I haven't written down any feelings lately because I have been quite stable which is a wonderful thing. Now in the last several months I have gone through a lot, been betrayed a lot, gone through a surgery, and have become somewhat stable. It's a beautiful thing to be able to say that but I cannot lie and say everyday is a good day. I still have days where I contemplate why things happened the way they did, and I can become pretty depressed but my moods can change quickly given the right environment. When I am alone sometimes I become more maniac because I have too much time on my hands and I suddenly start analyzing things way too much. When that happens my mood goes down and sometimes it lasts a day or few. I become irritable or overly sensitive and sometimes slip into that dreaded mixed state.
Those are probably the worst (the manic depressive states). I don't want to do anything yet I cannot sleep at all or sleep very little. A few hours a night for several nights and that is awfully exhausting so then I get awfully irritable. Things that normally wouldn't bother me all the sudden become highly annoying or aggravating for no particular reason or the way people decide to talk to me really irks me. I don't like when men all the sudden believe they have this right to just ask me very personal questions, or say really sexual things to me or tell me what they would like to do with me. Like I am not dating you, I'm not interested nor have I even slightly insinuated that I am so stop doing that. It's disgusting and crude and disrespectful. I don't understand why people even do that! I have made no attempt to contact you or talk to you in that way and then all the sudden you feel the need to just blast me with these dirty texts or messages like come on. That's a definite NO in my book.
Now it doesn't matter if I am manic or not I don't like being talked to that way. I am a lady and like to be treated as such so unless I have a relationship with someone on some level then I don't want to hear that stuff because we will automatically become not friends. That stuff usually sends me into a little fit of anger though. When I am more stable I take it in better stride but that is just how my little world works. I get completely sensitive in a way that is not stable. Certain things can be said when I am not going through an episode and I won't be upset but when I am in an episode it becomes something that really hurts or upsets me. That can be horrible and unnerving. No one likes to feel that way. The worst part I think is when you become upset and the other person cannot understand why at all. You can tell someone all you want that you're bipolar, and even explain what that means, yet they still won't understand. I think I dislike more when someone thinks you are making a big deal out of being bipolar when HELLO it's a huge part of my life, of course it's a big deal. I mean I don't go around just blabbing about being bipolar but yes I will talk about it and other mental illnesses.
A guy once told me how I shouldn't write this blog and overreact when I am manic! What is that supposed to even mean? I am manic then I am overly emotional on some level! My blog, or your blog, is no ones business in respects of them telling me or you that it shouldn't be written. I'm not sorry you are not comfortable with it, or with yourself being bipolar or mentally ill, or believe it will be held against you (like you'd want to work at a job that stigmatizes you anyway). I'm not sorry about being open when I am manic, in mania or manic depressive. I will always be open because it would be highly dangerous for me not to be open about it. I have been there and it's not pretty. It's miserable. I am alone, and secluded in my brain which makes me more curious about things like dying. That is not okay. If someone can't accept me as a whole, cannot accept that I embrace who I am as a woman and a bipolar person then I don't want to be associated with you. It's that simple. There are so many people that don't have the courage to speak out and suffer horribly silently. I don't believe that is okay. The stigma can land people in horrible places. Many homeless people are mentally ill, cannot afford mental health care, meds etc. and it leaves them in an awful position being judged and on drugs or alcohol. I mean I used to use alcohol and that was not okay.
If everyone spoke up and explained to as many people as possible that would listen what it means to be mentally ill, what kind of care mentally ill people need, and what meds they do or don't need I feel there would be less stigma because it would be better understood. I believe people wouldn't ask me "Is bipolar disorder actual real?", "Isn't everyone a little bipolar?" so on because they would know. Maybe something should be taught about mental illness in high school but that's a dream that wouldn't come true in most cases. It takes a lot to keep me stable so I can only imagine what it is like for others, especially those without insurance (I've been there and it was rough). So while I enjoy being stable, I also know that I have to embrace myself and let people in when I am going through an episode because it helps me tremendously. But I have a lot of people around me that get it. Or get me. I hope one day more people have that too.
Lea
