A Free Write By A Bipolar Woman

As many know I am going through a dissolution (divorce), and atop that my brother in laws mom is dying. It's just really all sad. I have thought through a lot and realized that who I was married to isn't who I thought he was nor was he something good for me. I will now attempt to free write my thoughts publicly uninhibited. It is not to insult anyone it is just to get what I am feeling out.

My 'husband' used to want tattoos on our wedding ring fingers and I did not like that idea. But one day he told me he wouldn't ever do that. First sign.
He reverted back to someone I did not know when he was at his Mother's house. He was a stranger to me. Definitely not the one I married. Second sign.
We bonded because I had gotten pregnant when we first got together and I honestly don't think we would have lasted if that had not happened. Part of me knew that when we got married but as my perspective on life had changed, his did not. At least not that I could tell.
I felt hurt at first when I realized he must have been with someone else. All the dots started to connect. Him fighting with me telling me he couldn't do it anymore (he always said if he was going to or did cheat he would leave me) so clearly that was sign three. Then he did it again. Sign four.
I at first was very sad about our departure from one each others' life because I had become accustomed to it but then I realized he wasn't what I wanted I felt calm and peaceful. He didn't understand me, he never cared to post about me (which seems dumb but when you love someone you usually include them in statuses here and there or post pictures of them saying look at my beautiful wife, husband, boyfriend, so on). He would want me to look at sites that told me about his issues (his hiatal hernia, or his acid reflux or whatever it may be) but yet when I wanted him to discuss with me what I went through physically and mentally it was really a no go. He never knew me. He never ever really knew me. How could he? I obviously did not know him either because I didn't think he was the person he turned out to be. Excited to get rid of me, and as I think about it I am actual okay with that. Since we had started sleeping in separate beds because our beds were apparently too small even though when we first dated we slept in a queen, and since we barely cuddled, barely made out, really never passionately kissed for a long time, and even our intimacy was gone, it only feels like I am losing a kind of friend, or a roommate. How could it feel any differently? When you are neglected and argue about attention and affection you start to become very unhappy and lonely even in a house with your supposed significant other. Getting mad at me for disliking him playing too much on a PS3 or PS4, and giving me an ultimatum - if you can't deal with it then maybe we shouldn't be together- like I am dating a teenager- you start to not feel loved, cared for , understood, or important enough.

I feel through the mistakes I have made with most of my past boyfriends that I have punished myself and become broken like a dog whose trained to kill. I will stay loyal until the end because that is my integrity. I will try to make things work, even if I do yell or become very upset for being neglected, I will still try and better myself in the hopes that the other will do the same. However, when the other does not do those things, or it only changes for a week or so you should know something is off. I felt alone. There were plenty of days I sat in 'my' room and cried for hours without him even noticing because he was too busy on his games. There were plenty of time I thought dying may be more suitable for someone like me that felt like nothing. Philosophically I do not mind being nothing in the grand scheme of things as the universe is infinite and I am but a wee dot in the picture. But when you feel like nothing in your life, when you feel like you mean nothing, when you feel like other things are more important than you, and you are no longer a priority and that makes you feel pretty worthless and  you should know that something has gone miserably wrong in your relationship. It is not healthy to feel that way, nor should you feel that way. I did everything I could because I did take vows. Even if I was unhappy I did take vows and I am a lady of my word. Through thick and thin I would have tried. Yet when what happened happened those vows were torn. Those vows were made void.

We were not meant to be and that's okay. I'm okay with that now. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because I will find my happiness without him. I will find my love without him. I will find someone who has always understood me and will always understand me, and who will be okay with who I am. Nathan said he wanted us both to get healthy-whatever that means- I know he was no longer in love with me and I had already kind of accepted that. How could I have not known. When you don't go out anymore, or you start going Dutch all the time, or you don't feel a caressing hand touch you out of joy of being by you, there is a problem. Our relationship was no longer healthy. I was very unhappy and denied it to myself because of the vows I took. I know now I made my vows to the wrong person. We made vows to one another because we bonded over a pregnancy. There is no way we couldn't have. But facing the reality of things, that is why he was in love. I feel now that because I may never be able to carry my own child, because I may not be able to give someone a family of their own DNA that he was unattached. It's funny because he wouldn't really recognize things I would do to try and look nice yet in the last few days I have been complimented on the smallest of things. Like my nails look nice, or my eye shadow is really pretty (thanks Lauren) and so on. He once said "you don't get pretty for me but you do for when you go to school" he is referring to me putting on eye shadow and all that fun stuff. But I put that stuff on all the time. But that statement made me realize something that I never said to him- that was an insult. That mean that I couldn't be at home without being all done up and mean I was getting pretty. I should have someone who thinks I am beautiful and 'getting pretty' if all I do is blow dry my hair. It's clear he was no longer attracted to me. We went on a vacation and we were not intimate that was a big sign. I feel worn by negligence because all I wanted was affection. Perhaps I have rewritten what I wrote in past blog posts but I feel this all needed to come out. I wish I had a time machine and I could go back. I also now think I understand more why I lost my pregnancies. If I had had those pregnancies go full term I would be in a huge mess right now bc it be harder to separate. It be harder to let go. Right now it's actually quite easy.

It's easy because we weren't meant to be. It's easy because we didn't sleep in the same bed so I don't feel alone sleeping by myself. It's easy because I have people that understand me around me reassuring me I am a beautiful, strong, loyal, kind person who deserves to be truly happy. Nathan was not happy either. Which also makes it easy to let go. He can find his happiness with someone else tomorrow and I would be okay because I do not need something so unhealthy in my life. He may have initiated the divorce but I was not actually going to work on anything if he had been honest with me anyway. I would have asked for one. I only said I would so I could get the respect of being told the truth. But I don't even need that. I don't need that because I am stronger than that. I don't need to waste the breath talking about it There are more important things in my life. He may go his way and I go mine. I am hurt only because of the fact that I gave my everything to someone I was 'trying' to keep loving, to someone who didn't love me like a wife. Goodbye to that mess. Goodbye to an unhappy marriage. Goodbye to a façade. I am okay. I am fine. So no reason to ever worry for me. I don't need anything in my life not worth living for. And that is how I felt. Lastly I would like to point out something my sister pointed out- When I went through my psychosis I didn't go to the psych ward because I was worried about school. I didn't want to miss classes and do poorly. What's wrong with that? I was married and I refused to go to the psych ward not because of my husband but because of school. My husband wasn't that understanding through that phase. He didn't turn in internally to maybe see what he may have been doing to my mental state by ignoring my needs. That said it all right there. When my sister said that I felt soon our relationship would come to a fork in the road and we each would walk our own path. May he find someone who he can actually love because it wasn't me Goodbye to that part of my life. Tomorrow I am filing for dissolution and I'm okay with it. I really am. I feel happy right now. I feel stable. Things are good right now besides losing my sister's mother in law. She I will miss dearly. She I will cry for. She I respected. She was tough. She was wonderful She loved her family and her husband so very much. That I will miss. I only hope when she passes in a couple days it is not painful. While her family and extended family will feel pain because we will miss her, she will never be forgotten. Not ever. She will always be loved.

I truly feel now that I had to make the mistakes in relationship choices that I have to make myself grow. To make myself into someone better, stronger, smarter, wiser, and someone who has a better perspective on what love really is. What I really want. I will grow beautifully, and I have. I have realized what makes me trigger an episode, I know what I don't want, and I know the reason for why things were in the past and now they are making sense for the future. I am thankful for my life and for further experience in life so I know what actually means something and what really doesn't.

Thank you for reading my novel of a blog again. Soon enough I will be writing about different things. At this moment this is on my mind. Soon it will be all over though.

Lea