What a Mind

I have not wrote a blog post in awhile. I don't really know why, perhaps because I have been happier or maybe I just didn't feel like telling the world how I was doing. I met someone wonderful and amazing who keeps my spirits up (for the most part, but that isn't his fault). I fell in love with him and I feel so safe with him. I have told him things I hadn't even told my ex husband or really anyone for that matter. Matters that only my family really knew. It is nice feeling like someone is there with you and has your back; someone that says I love you back and his words actually sound like they mean it.

However, even though I feel happy I still have this internal struggle. I don't think anyone really gets it unless they are mentally ill, or have had a serious trauma. How could they? I don't know what it is like to be shot because I have never been shot so I cannot expect people to understand my brain or emotions. I have had this thought on my mind about how I had wrote this one blog post denouncing the love I had for my ex husband, it was just to make him angry and once I knew he saw it I erased it. Who does that? I guess that shows how hurt I was that I felt the need to hurt him back. I don't know why I thought about that but I did. Maybe because I still feel hurt. I don't have to be still into him for it to still hurt. I think what hurts more is I keep thinking about the pregnancies I lost. Like to a point where it feels like I am in those moments all over again. And why won't it stop? It doesn't make any sense for me to keep thinking about that for no reason. Maybe I fear I will never have any children and it's because I see my lovely little sister going through her own pregnancy, which is wonderful and I am over the moon that it is going so well for her. Either way it is still stuck in my head. I feel the lump in my throat when I think about it. The seize in my head from the pain it causes me. I don't want to end up that woman without kids even though that's what she wanted since she was a young girl. I am not in any rush. I have a lot of schooling ahead of me and I am in no position to have a child right now anyway, but I'm not ready. However, that nagging feeling is still always back there taunting me. Never leaving me alone and I have no idea how to make it stop. I don't like being so emotional and not wanting to talk about it with anyone. No one can make it better, and nothing but time can tell me if it will ever even be possible. It's such a sickening thought. What I think is even worse is when I think of what would have happened if those pregnancies went to term? Would my ex have kept liking me, would I have even kept liking him? Probably not.

So what do you do? What do you do when something tragic won't leave your brain no matter how much you try and distract yourself? It just gnaws at you. If it's not bad enough already being overly emotional, even on meds, then you have that fighting inside your brain. It's deafening. Not to mention the stress that I feel I am under. I have to ace my finals and I have to ace the GRE which I don't feel ready for but have to take Dec. 30th. Hoping to get into a prestigious part of CSU that is very competitive.   How do you get it together? Well I don't think that ever actually happens. You are always in this state where things can go better, or you could be doing something better or you could be blah blah. Is this what life is? Just some constant waiting game that is always ongoing and once one thing is achieved a million other things still need to be. Never feeling ready for a lot of things or maybe just not motivated to. I always tell myself I will get the things most important to me done but that doesn't always happen.

I try to tell myself that I am stronger when I am not. I try to convince myself that the constant nagging in my head will one day stop, even though it probably never will until I'm jumping out of a plane to my death. I guess that's the 'beauty' in life. Never knowing what will happen; never being ready; never understanding fully; never having no cares at all; being afraid of a thousand things. Without it life wouldn't be interesting. Without making mistakes living would be boring. Without loss you may not learn to truly love. Without loss you may not ever find out the things that you may really enjoy. Without trying or letting yourself experience things, huge or tiny, you won't ever know if you truly wanted it or didn't want it. How could you if you never take the steps towards those terrifying things.

Life isn't really bad. What happens can be bad but your life isn't out to get you. Chance is. I will never be able to stop it. I will never understand why awful things happen to me or why wonderful things happen. But being afraid is okay as long as it doesn't stop my life.