The Worst Tragedies In Life Me As A Woman Went Through

Advisory: This post may be a bit long and if you appreciate hearing about the bad things that have occurred to others or you may need to find some support for read on my friends.

Some days are generally just harder than others. You can control yourself and show no outward signs of distress but internally there is a war. You do not always know why this war has erupted or why a certain thing has been triggered.

A lot of the time my trigger is the pregnancies I have lost. Something happens to you when you have gotten pregnant, been happy, so very happy, about it and then lost them. Forever are the memories of the physical pain that you felt when they were dying inside of you and when you almost died with them. The loss of energy, the sharp stabbing throbs from inside the womb letting you know you were literally feeling death inside you. Every time this happens in your brain, and it will over and over and over again, it brings tears to your eyes. 

I can remember my whaling when I knew. I just knew because I could feel it. I could feel my baby die. It is one of the worst things you could go through. I have been through a lot and I think it is why I have the serious triggers I do. I can tell you, but I will not describe it to you, I am still not ready, that I have been raped. I thought that was the worst thing to happen to me. I thought it had destroyed me for the longest time. I still to this day do not go out that much, or at least not alone because I do not trust many people. That affected me so deeply that I do not have many friends due to the circumstances of my abuse. I just simply do not trust many people. You should feel some honor if I have let you into my little circle of life I hold dear to me. I would only plead you don't destroy it. At any rate, losing those pregnancies was worse.

It may sound dumb to some people because they know women lose pregnancies all the time. Yet when you say women lose their babies all the time rather than they lose pregnancies it doesn't seem so cut and dry. It does not seem like oh she is simply 1 in 4 women. I LOST MY BABIES is what we want to cry out. It wasn't just a pregnancy it was our flesh and blood. It was our children we lost. Most of us never got to meet the children we lost. Regardless of your stand of whether life is sacred, if abortion is okay or not, if a fetus should have rights, when it happens to you, when you lose your pregnancy, no matter how far along you are you lost your child. I do not think I have ever written this thorough on the subject but I guess today is the day and I am not even sure why. Maybe because around this time two years in a row I had become pregnant. Maybe because I am sick of seeing women who lost their children, unborn or born babies, infants, toddlers, adult children whatever, as a statistic that stings every time. Or maybe it's a trigger from seeing so many murder and sexual abuse cases about children lately that it has triggered this. Or maybe, and this is definitely possible I see my two sisters with their children and sometimes it pulls those memories back to me.

Either way the triggers are there. Reminding you what you lost. I know there are many of us who lost our marriages or relationships along with those babies/children. Something was lost when that happened. At one point a bond was made for some of us. A tight bond with our lovers we never thought could be untied and then one day it fell to pieces. Losing the relationship is hard. It will never be easy especially if you were married and it takes time to repair yourself and for some of us longer because of circumstances in which it all ended. But you had already lost a part of yourself with those pregnancies and gained something new as well. Something changed internally, at least for me. Things I had thought were so important, so in my face, and so always there became nothing to me. I realized I had a dark tint on my eyes not letting me see the most vital things in life. So while to most I may seem like a very introverted loner, which I am totally, and I may even seem callous sometimes or shy, really things that are outside, like binge drinking or partying all the time or whatever thing I made more important than those things around me are now so futile and silly that I just let myself relax and take time to live. I gained an insight when I lost part of myself that not many people get or they do not accept. There is a way to be comfortable in the world without following everything everyone else does, or doing what you think you should be doing based on what has been spoon fed to you based on your society and culture. I even became more welcoming and satisfied with the way my appearance was. And I can tell you that was never true before. 

I can also tell you before losing those babies I was sometimes a wreck. Being raped can leave you feeling worthless about yourself. You may feel guilty for numerous reasons, disgusting, alone in a world filled with billions, suffering, and so so very blue. This can take over. It will destroy you if you do not get control of it. I would binge my way through life not giving any care for myself besides who I was around. I would drink until I couldn't remember. For the longest time I didn't, well I wouldn't talk about what happened to me or my response to it. I simply did not want anyone to know how vulnerable I was, or how vulnerable I made myself is really how I saw, and sometimes still do. Something clicked in my head though when I lost those pregnancies. Something told me that no matter what you are vulnerable and it is not a perfect thing but there is not much you can do. Your body will deceive you. It will hurt you and it will fail sometimes. Life will always do this to you. Because of this you need to realize what is truly important to you. Is it drinking all the time to rid yourself of your issues, or for some drugs? Is having a million and one friends truly important when you know that only a few are really going to be there always? Is it worth it to not love yourself? NO. It simply isn't. There are so many people who could read this and would be the ones to brush it off and not think twice about what they truly want in life. But I am not going to worry about them. They will either figure it out or simply will not.

I can say this though- having people who show you love, care, kindness, affection, happiness, hilariousness, sincerity, and true friendship (which is definitely also in romantic relationships) is where it is at. We can have great jobs, enough money to eat the greatest foods and wear the best clothes and drive the nicest cares but if you don't have sincerely loving people to enjoy it with it is worth nothing. If you do not simply have sincere and honest people around you who would be there always then your life is missing the crucial piece. We all need to love ourselves thoroughly and it can be so hard, and even harder to realize making BIG mistakes can just be a part of life that makes you better if you are good, but having those around you who are willing to help you realize that, or help pick up those broken pieces, or be the loving humorous friend who is just the person that accepts you for who you are you will feel alone and lost. 

I do not know if life ever gets easier for anyone. I doubt it. Even if you are rich and can pay for your problems to be solved more will arise. Remembering what is truly good for you what is wonderful in life is a gift. The pain I have endured throughout my life has not been easy. It in fact has been extremely challenging and it has negatively affected me in many ways. I still have these days were life seems helpless and I am down from what I have lost, or imagining what my life would be like with the babies I lost, even without my ex husband, and what kind of person I would be without those loses and without the rape. Death has occurred a lot in my life as well and I always wonder what if when it comes to them and it drags me into weird places that can be so depressing it is like having your mind locked in a dark damp disgusting cellar. But then, when all those tragedies build up and make life feel terrible, or like I am terrible, I remember they all made me who I am today.

I am humble to those who have donated to me to get me through rough patches, who have been by my side even when I seemed off my rocker, and simply just accepted me as a flawed, bipolar maniac at times and still loved me. While I would wish those things on no one and I would choose never to have to feel death inside me, or my own death looming, or being sexually abused in such a nasty way, it has made me stronger. It has made me courageous, honest, loving, caring, empathetic, affectionate, intelligent, introverted in just the right way for me, a non-alcoholic, a person wiling to give attention when you call upon me. It has also made me weird. It has made me find it necessary to find humor in small things and be a goof whenever I feel. It has caused some negative things- I sometimes am a hermit and do not want to associate with too many people in one day because for me it can be devastatingly exhausting, it has made me prone to social anxiety and even working anxiety, and has made me scared to ever want to get pregnant again or fall in love so deeply I make myself supremely vulnerable. Those things though are workable. Those things people who know me can understand why I do them. But the good things all people don't have or aren't willing to be. I am someone who experiences manic and mania and can accept the crazy in people and I usually gravitate towards it but others cannot do that or refuse to try and understand how to be there for you when you get that way but I have it because of all those tragedies in my life. So even when you feel lost in this world, alone, depressed, even suicidal think about how those negative awful things have made you somehow better or wiser because they have. Tragedies give us something we didn't have before while taking away a small part of us with them and that's OKAY. 


If you really read this whole post I thank you for being so generous with your time and hope I educated you, helped you, or at least somehow entertained you for the few minutes you had to read. 

Lea

The Never Understood

Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs "CAN YOU PLEASE GIVE ME ONE BREAK AND FOR ONE SECOND JUST TRY AND UNDERSTAND". I want to say that to a lot of people that have been or are in my life. It is not a choice to be mentally ill. It is NOT a choice.  At the current moment I am going through a manic-depressive episode. It is not fun for me at all. You get a nagging nagging nagging in your head all day about all sorts of things that may seem minuscule to some or may seem dangerously dark. It's simply what happens when I go through these episodes. I have NO control over it. I can try and calm myself, try and find things to do to keep me from wanting to just die, try and find people that are willing to try and understand, try and get the people or person I want to be there for me to help me but that doesn't mean any of this ever works or that I can ever get anyone to just be there. How do you tell someone "I am trying to reach out to you, and I need you" and actually get them to want to be there. It is no offense to anyone else when I specifically want a certain person or persons but at the same time I cannot make those people be there for me. Some people do not get it or don't want to and I cannot make them.

How do you deal with something you do not understand or do not wish to understand? I do not know that you can. I wish everyone just could. Even if they felt what I felt for one minute then maybe it would give them greater insight. How I wish I could do that for some people. 

When I am manic there are times when I can explode into a frustrated ball of madness, or times where I just get super upset and have a breakdown, and other times where I am just irritable or depressed. I am not always like this so I would hope those who love me could just be there for me when I get like this but again I cannot force anyone to do anything nor can I get them to understand. Sometimes I feel punished for these 'outbursts' and I do not feel that it is okay. I cannot help it. I cannot stop it. There is usually a trigger and that should be paid attention to not ignored and I never said anyone could not be mad that I get this way but a little empathy and compassion would not hurt. I cannot expect anyone to do anything ever. I couldn't even expect my ex-husband to 'deal' with me as he put it. He knew what and who I was and still wasn't willing to take a deeper look at the situation and try and understand. Some people aren't. I do not know that I can blame them for it either because who wants to deal with someone like me. I seem irrational to most people and my emotions can be so overpowering that most people just think 'oh she is overreacting'. But to me I'm not. To me that is how it works. That is how my brain works. I do not constantly question why so called 'normal' people (or people who aren't mentally ill) do not think my way. They just don't. 

I am always feeling judged. I always feel like people, even people I love, look at me and just think sometimes 'she is too much'. But too much what? I will never know how to explain what I go through. How my brain works or why I do or did what I did. It isn't really a possibility. Words are not enough. I can put words in tons of different orders and still I feel people do not understand. I do feel many other mentally ill people or bipolar people can understand but that is because they know what it is like to have a brain that literally works and is formed differently. There is evidence of that and evidence that in our genes and DNA we are different. Our emotional centers take over. If that takes over so much, so powerfully that what we see in reasoning normally is not the same at the time of the emotional override. I am not downgrading emotions here. They are useful resources for us. They help us build are moral values and ethical systems but that does not mean they cannot be destructive too. Our reasoning can be destructive. Over reasoning can be an awful thing. But when an emotional override happens (I am going to use those terms because it is probably the easiest way to explain this even though it doesn't really cover all) it's like a link in the chain has been broken. Something happens. Something detrimental happens. 

From personal experience I know that I can go from feeling great and happy to enraged within seconds. One trigger and then all the sudden everything in the world is on fire in my eyes. Nothing matters except getting the rage out. If I do not get it out it will linger and most likely turn worse or into something worse and more dangerous. How I get this rage out depends on the situation. In my past whoever was closest got hit with it, especially if they were the trigger. Through therapy I have worked to not do that. At least not as much as I used to or as harshly. I have learned to recognize this happening and to try and leave the situation or room. Sometimes I have to throw things (unbreakable things now), scream, rip something up, hit something (I have broken fingers and toes from this but it still helps) or let it gather until I collapse from the exhaustion it causes and cry. It seems weird and terrifying to others. It seems crazy. So try and imagine how I feel.

That is not the only thing that happens though. I can also be triggered into being dangerously upset or sad or depressed. When this happens I will snap and have a breakdown. It may be one that causes me to say hasty hostile things, irrational things, depressing things like "I want to just die" or "I wish no one had to deal with me ever again" etc. These moments are especially hard for me. I have no control. I have none. What can I do. I can walk out of the room or turn my phone off but that doesn't always work or sometimes I cannot push myself to do it. And if it is a depressive mood me being alone is probably not wise. I have sedated myself before. I have never admitted that out loud to anyone except my boyfriend. I couldn't take it. No one was there and I didn't care. I wanted to be gone from the world. I sedated myself and slept for days. I woke up here and there to go to the bathroom or get some water but that was it. When my ex-husband finally came around to asking me what was wrong or if I was feeling well I just said I was sick and he took me at my word. Which is fine. What else could he have done. But during these times I am needy. I need help. I need love. I need empathy. I need unconditional friendship. I need someone to be there without judging me. When I get like this it is harder to explain than the rage. I do not know where to even start!

Something happens maybe, or maybe I am just in a bad episode. Either way I start to feel this dread come over me. This violation of my happiness occurs. The darkness starts to roll in and fog all the good out of my mind so all I see is the sadness, or the bad, or the worthlessness of myself. It is horrifying to experience. I cannot speak for other mentally ill people but I know that a lot of time this makes me hate myself. I dwell on all those little things I have ever done, or all the bad things happening and cannot understand why I am even here. Why anyone wants to deal with me or be my friend. Why I even want to be here. That is how awful it feels. And I do not want some pity party. This is not a woe is me. This is just part of me that I am trying to explain. Sometimes I push during these times. Sometimes I push people away from me because I do not know why they even want to be around me or be my friend or love me because I think I am awful in those moments. There are also moments were I push because I consider killing myself. If I am going to I do not want anyone liking me because then they would be upset. Yes, I know this sounds crazy to a lot of you but it is just how it works for my brain sometimes. Of course I know I can push all I want but the people who really love me will still be there. When the darkness falls in my mind and all is consumed all I can see is the black. The detrimental black. I see things or notice things that most others probably would not or get bothered by things most people wouldn't get bothered by. When this happens a lot can set me off. A stressful moment, some bad news that probably isn't that bad, having something not go my way when I really wanted it to, having a feeling that someone I love is being distant (this may not really be the case but I see it that way which only aggravates the depression and makes me think "See I am not worth anything"), or I could feel that things are just crumbling around me when really they may not be. But if I get hit by something like that then I will have a break down of some sort. It may be that I just collapse crying, roll up in a fetal position and cry, stare at things that could kill me, freak out beyond recognition to where someone will have to forcefully embrace me to calm me, or I could fight with you. Not physically but vocally. I may start a fight over something that seems really dumb or over something out of our control but it just happens. I have no idea why. I will never be able to tell any of you why this is happening. The only thing I can do is apologize if I hurt your feelings because I said something nasty or something I didn't mean, or for making you feel like I am just a bundle of dread. I hate that. I am always worried I will be left behind because most reflect back on those bad moments where it is just bad. Where the mental illness is just dark and depressing. But that isn't all me. So when these things happen I just need understanding. That doesn't mean anyone has to actually totally understand what I go through it means I need that person to take a minute to realize that what is happening to me is not controllable and that I need to just calm down and whatever I say needs to be taken with a grain of salt. I don't mean most of it when I am fighting. Somethings I do because there are things that upset me and I will say them but other things are just me blowing out the steam. I always apologize or try and make up for it though. Always. 

There are some people who will tell me I have no reason to apologize for things I cannot control but I feel like I do. I shouldn't say those things and while I feel there isn't much control beyond where I have come to now in my life that I have hurt someone and need to make it right. If I am crying all day I do not apologize for that. Sometimes that needs to happen. If I am stuck in bed all day I do not apologize for being gloomy just as I would not expect a depressed person to apologize for being depressed. However, I do when I know I have overreacted in a way that hurt someone or upset them. Forgiveness is needed though and that is the understanding I am looking for in those moments. Trust me I punish myself quiet a bit for having those moments. I already feel awful about myself and when I cannot control my ridiculous temper or emotions it makes it even harder for me. So please, to all my friends and family, give me some slack sometimes (most of you do). When I ask for help please just help. When I need to just bitch and I raise my voice know I am not yelling at you but the world. When I say I want to be left alone it is not personal which is why I understand when others tell me they need to be alone. Usually though I do not want to be alone for long because I know it is not that healthy for me. It can make me worse so sometimes I need to be forced to be put into an environment with another person. Even if it's just watching movies with mom or Shawn or my little sister or calling my older sister. I just can't be left to my own devices for too long. Or it get's worse.

Getting help is sometimes hard too. I may want to see a therapist at this moment but actually getting to talk to one takes a long time. You need an intake interview and then eventually, after weeks, you may finally get to see someone who will actually listen and be someone you feel comfortable with. I have despised most of the therapists I have had accept one. However, she still didn't seem to take some of the things I said into consideration or was very unresponsive to the help I needed. So sometimes I just need a loved one there instead. Please never give up on me.

I need to bring up also that I have other episodes. I have mania sometimes. These modes can be hard to deal with too because I get wired and high on neurotransmitters and hormones. I am UP UP UP. I am through the roof with energy and I can stay up all night for days in a row. I want to just do stuff and can be aggressive, and sometimes hostile but I just need to GO. For many this can be quiet annoying. I sing a lot and I goof around too much and I have a hard time being serious. And if this high get's ruined I get agitated.  This kind of episode is harder to explain and hard to control. I have no real way of coming down. I have meds but as I said in the last post I stopped taking them because I was worse on them than off. I need to find activities during these times. Tons. Or I need to be socializing or working. But have faith that these episodes for me last a lot less longer than the manic-depressive ones.

And then for most of the time you get me. I am still different. I am still very sensitive and emotional. I am still needy and I know no one in the world could possibly give me all I want because I want everything. But I do not know that is always a flaw. I feel when I love you in any form my neediness comes in hand. I am more generous than most because I want to be there for you. I want to be around people I love. Sometimes it is only a specific few or maybe just one person but that means I am there always for you for whatever. I may be sensitive but for me this gives me an edge most don't have. I can pick up on things most can't. I can find the small details that matter but are hard to find. I can see logic where some can't and I can find solutions where others may not see one. My emotional state is usually high but that makes me empathetic to others. I am humble and very generous. I will be there for you whenever you need me because I, emotionally, can understand what it is like to need help, or a shoulder to cry on, or a hug, or whatever. So being bipolar is not always bad. It makes me a perceptive, interesting, and loving person. If you can handle my episodes than you also get a kind friend on the more normal basis. I have made mistakes and will make more but that doesn't mean I won't make up for them. I am never going to be perfect or ideal. I will be that woman most think is just off her rocker but that is ok. I have accepted that this is me and I would only hope those who love me or are friends with me would be accepting too!

Now my last point. I need to get this off my chest. Someone young I know, and I am not naming them here because that is not my place, is not doing well mentally. She is having issues that are deep. I know those feelings and the hardship it causes on one's self esteem. I know that it hurts so badly that you will do anything to try and make it stop. Considering suicide is usually one of the key answers to this type of pain. I am fortunate enough to have convinced myself of ways to not do it or to talk myself out of it. I imagine my mother's face finding me dead. I cry every time I imagine it. I am literally tearing up right now. I know what it would do to her and I can't handle it. I know she is strong but that would devastate her. I have never been to the point, obviously, where my internal pain overrides this caring for my mother's devastation and I hope I never get there. I know my whole family would be upset but what always does it is seeing mom's face. This young lady I am talking about though, I do not think she has that. She does not have that thing yet to tell her NO this will do something you do not want to happen. I see the pain in her and I empathize so deeply. She has been committed now for fear she would kill herself or try. She has been doing self harm and doing inappropriate things. I honestly believe she is trying to say something without saying it but I do not know what exactly yet. Of course she wants to call for help but won't directly do it. It took me a long time to actually admit when I needed it. But I think there is something else. She is clearly feeling insecure which is shown by her actions and she is acting out of control for a reason. What she needs is understanding which she has by most-maybe not her peers but by her loved ones. However, without the correct hope she is going to push it too far one day. One day it could severely harm her. One day if she does not cooperate she could lose a lot of the things and people she has. So I feel since I can empathize deeply I need to find a way for her to reach to me. I do not know exactly how but I will find a way. This is affecting me deeply. I am already going through an episode but with this on top of it and my grandma's (who is no longer here) birthday being yesterday I feel dark. I feel lost. I feel alone. I am worried and stressed and I need to release it somehow. I need someone, someone specific. But I cannot control that that someone be there. I just wish I could take all her pain away so she could just enjoy her beautiful life. I wish I knew how to get her to realize that the feeling of self-loathing isn't always there and sometimes you get a break and realize you are worth it. If you can find the good in you, the things that make you special then you can get through your harder moments of believing you are not worth anything. I will find a way to show her this. I will. I cannot find her dead one day. I cannot get that call. I have to find a way.

Please pass awareness out about mentally ill people. Be understanding and try, even when it is hard, to empathize and give them a chance. It can be hard to tolerate. It can be difficult to deal with someone going through these things but never give up. That in itself can make that person fall from where they finally got to back to a worse time. I know it is hard and sometimes walking away from me or anyone like me seems like a better and easier bet but remember that those people are hurting. They have an internal pain that is hard to understand and is pretty uncontrollable. Of course there are ways to get better at dealing with it and we try, I believe most of us try really hard to cope and deal with it. I know I have worked extremely hard and always will. But bringing awareness to the problem is something everyone can do. Helping people get educated on what these mental illnesses do to people can bring the mentally ill more ease of access to help or at least to more helping friends and family. You can be aggravated at them, mad at them, upset with them, but just remember that they are not like you and never will be. They cannot control a lot of their feelings and it affects them deeply. Just spread some love.



Lea

The BIPOLAR bear is misunderstood. Can I say ANYTHING? I need help

Once in awhile, in the middle of the night, I wake up and do not know where I am. I simply think I have been awakened from some coma of life and now, just like that, everything changed just by opening my eyes. That is terrifying sometimes. Maybe it's because I do not know who I am so I do not know where I am in my own life. Can you imagine? Of course, well probably, because I assume that a lot of people feel this way. 

Is it hard being honest with yourself? I think so, at least sometimes. Maybe even most times. Look at the sky and the universe. How is my little existence even important. Especially when my species ruins everything, and I mean everything. Our emotions can be so out of control that we destroy things within a few measly words. How insane is that! So why does that happen? I don't get it. What difference does it even make? Why then should we say anything? If I say why I am upset to someone since I no longer am willing to keep my feelings inside and hide in some mask that says "I swear I am normal", why does that automatically mean that the person will be defensive? Now of course we are all that way, well most of us. It is our human nature. I get upset like that too. We are mad we hurt someone. So we find a way to make that person feel hurt because they just hurt us by their honesty and this is called the defense. 

Why can we not simply handle the fact that we upset someone? I mean even if they are upset and it seems so silly to us or not worth it, why do we get so upset? Because if the tables were turned we would be aggravated that they were getting upset with us for being defensive. So why do we even do it. Yeah human nature and all but don't we have a mind that we can use to calm ourselves and think rationally for one moment without assuming that person is trying to change us, or annoy us, or only get what they want, or the always "why can't they just get me" defense?

I would like to think so since I have met so many people that are so much calmer than me and not too much seems to get them defensive. Now do not get me wrong, there are times when someone is upset because they do not understand and so it does seem silly to us, or they are upset over something that seems ludicrous- like "Oh I went out with my friends and now your upset at me?" or "I didn't do this task exactly as you do it so now your mad and think i am an idiot?". That happens. But if we dig deeper do we see maybe why a person feels that way? 

Not communicating can be a trigger of course. That is usually always mine. I HATE IT when a person refuses to tell me anything. It drives me mad. If that person could say why they can't tell me at that moment i.e. "I am angry and I do NOT want to discuss this. I promise I will talk when the time is right", that would be okay. Not everyone is like me so other people have their triggers for the so called ludicrous upsets above. I always wonder what is in that person's past or what is going on a little deeper that they feel that way. I cannot say I am a saint and ask that question in the middle of one of those kinds of arguments, nor can I say I even ask myself "why do I REALLY feel this way" because I am just upset at that moment. 

We all have those moments right? But what do you do?

I have held so much stuff in in the past that I simply refuse to not be honest. I do not care how crazy it sounds, how annoying it may be, or whatever, because me getting it out is the only way my brain can then function on a 'normal' level. I also think that when someone states "I never complain about you, I just like who YOU are" they are just not being honest. There is always SOMETHING that is annoying to that person. Me being honest and outright is usually the case because I am not always elegant in the way I word things or how I present them or my timing. Especially my timing. I just say it. I say it. I do not need to think about it because if I do then I will probably end up just holding it in instead. That is NOT okay.

However, what sucks is that people want honesty, or at least they say so, or they say they care, but when you say what is hurting you, making you angry, sad, happy even then somehow it turns on you. What you just said can now hurt them. You are upset and now because of that they are now hurt in return. Like I said above this happens. I believe this reaction is due to not wanting to hurt someone you care about but you are then upset you upset them and that person made you know you upset them that it is time to flip it. This is the usual line of action here "Well if you don't like who I am why are you with me?" or "I am not you so I cannot be you" but that isn't what we are ever asking is it? Well maybe for some people I would think that is exactly what they are asking but most I think are not. I am not when I talk. I ask to work on things sure but that does not mean any of those responses. But it's hard. You do things, you say things, you act certain ways and sometimes others do not get it so you get defensive because to you it is like why the hell don't they just leave it be or accept it or get over it. It's not really that simple.

As I said above when the tables turn the one who was frustrated and defensive, who is now upset, is sitting there asking the defensive one "why can't you accept my feelings?" "why can't you try and understand me now?" but did you try to get them when it was reversed?

So is there anything anyone can EVER really say? When someone is upset because of something someone else did or did not do does that mean that they aren't considering the other person, or is it that they both need to consider each other. Stop saying you are trying to do this or you don't realize I am here too and I matter too because that can turn into a reverse where the upset one doesn't matter now because you don't want to hear it. 

So it seems like there is NEVER anything you can say unless that understanding that I just stated is there. But can it ever be? I don't know. All I know is I need communication. That's what I think a lot of people simply want. To know what is happening, why someone did this or that, why someone said this or that, why someone blah blah, you get it. I don't think that takes a lot to do but it seems pretty hard to do at the same time right? 

Forever I hid myself from people. I wouldn't communicate what aggravated me or what was going on in my brain and one day I would get dangerously close to wanting to leave this world. I would find a way to convince myself otherwise because I have people I love. I have things I love. Sometimes even then though it was hard to turn around. To just keep going. I do not know that anyone will ever truly understand how that felt for me. Or what that felt like specifically for me is what I should say. And I don't know that I could ever truly explain it either. Would it matter anyway? Would that suddenly give an epiphany to those who don't get to where, when I speak, they just understand? No. Probably not. 

Now it's truth time for me.

When I say how upset I am or why, or both, I feel constantly that whoever I am talking to, be it my closest family and friends, or distant friends, that I am being judged. CONSTANTLY. My emotional scale varies and I am different thanks to being bipolar. When I feel I FEEL. When I get upset it may not seem right to anyone else how upset I am so I am being judged. I know that I can be looked at like I am CRAZY but I don't believe that is fair. I cannot help the way I feel nor will I hide it anymore. I am this. I simply want to be able to say "this is what is happening inside me, will you communicate with me please so we can get through this so this stops tearing me up inside?" It can be so hard for me to talk in the first place because of this feeling of judgement. I don't know that the people I talk to actually are doing that but I have been judged so harshly and told so many nasty things for trying to be honest that it is ingrained in me. 

Every time I want to say "look this hurt me" I constantly remember how certain someones have looked at me, spoken to me, treated me, when I needed to talk, to be calmed, to be loved, and what I got in return was non-acceptance. I constantly am aware of my flaws. I am NOT perfect. I am NOT close. I am AWFUL sometimes. I can fly off the handle. I can become so angry I break things, and not just typical I have a reason to be angry angry but more like this small thing just happened. It set me off. Now I am raging for barely anything and I have no idea how to stop it. However, I have worked very hard, and I mean very hard, to deal with this. I have had help to train myself to leave the room when this happens. To go let it out with tears or by throwing unbreakable things, or paint, or write. But I have not learned yet to cope with the fact that I get judged sometimes when I speak the truth. This happens with a lot of people. I can be in a class and someone says something so outrageous and ignorant (to me at least) that I argue (argue in the non-fighting way like a philosopher should) but I can get very weird looks because I get so passionate. I'm being judged. Right there. In a class where I am SUPPOSED to argue. 

When you have dealt with people who you thought loved you on some level who have made you feel that you shutting up and being hidden is better and you overcome that, telling how you feel is difficult. Anyone who feels judged ever can, I am sure, attest to that. 

I do not think I have ever truly kept myself open to my own self. When I got divorced I said "I will move past this and it will be okay". I even thought quickly I was okay. I wasn't. And I think this is the first time I have said that to anyone. I am STILL mad. I do not love him. I do not want to have anything to do with him. So much so that I keep getting a hold of his mom to pick the rest of my stuff up and then I never show. I do not want any reminder because I was so hurt. This affects me still. I still have trust issues. I trust many people but that does not mean it is easy. He was not the only one to break my trust. My father broke my trust and I will never forget it. He is dead now. We actually got to talk before he died but I won't ever forget the dagger to my back. I have also abused my trust from others. I cannot deny that. I hurt my sister very badly once and I won't ever forget that moronic move in my life. That still affects me. That still makes me feel guilty. But what is disgusting to me is there are people who are not like me. Who don't feel that kind of remorse for doing something so distrustful and distasteful. They do not care. They cannot even admit it sometimes that they mislead you or betrayed you. Now that sucks a lot. I need honesty. I need communication. I literally need it because otherwise the trust I am trying to recover won't ever be built if I do not have that. And it is not the people's around me fault. It's not. However, I believe that when you love and care that you can do those things for people to help them. To get through things. To help them deal with things that are hard to move past.

I did not want to love the person I am with that is how scared I am of trusting someone. I did not. I avoided him and I tried to not like him and it was impossible for me. Now I cannot imagine him being gone. And maybe, maybe not, he will always be here, or maybe he won't like dealing with me and he simply won't. I don't know.  But I know I let myself trust him. And it wasn't him it was me who had to let myself do that. Now no one has to understand that and some may interpret it like "well if you can't then blah blah" but that is on ME. It is on me to allow the trust to be built. I went through a lot and I need to learn to build trust. I need help though and I cannot deny that. I need always to be honest. And I am. Sometimes probably too frankly but that is how I am. I am socially inept sometimes and I do not know the right way to do it. But I am working on it. And I will always need it in return. I need it with him, my mom, my sisters, my aunt, my friends, etc. I will never lie down and let myself drown again. FOR ANYONE. NEVER. I know though that those people won't let me. I also am not delusional and know if they don't want to deal with it, or deal with me, they don't have to. They can ignore me. Or just leave me be. But I would hope, and feel I know them to the point they wouldn't. 

But I need to tell them something. It's important. And I do not need you judging me.
I am NOT on my meds. I have not been on them in months. They made me foggy, forgetful, unmotivated, and felt like they were hurting me more than helping. I have to take so much stuff to keep my body in check already that those meds made it too much. I wanted to learn to deal with myself. I wanted to learn to always be honest. To deal with me overreacting sometimes. To being overly depressed sometimes. I wanted to feel again. I just did. Those meds were good when I went through what I did last year. I was scared to go off of them because everyone will tell you not to and you always need them. But I want to feel. Those meds stopped me. I didn't need to be honest, I didn't need to hide, because those meds took all of it away. ALL OF IT and not in a good way. Things started to seem so pointless to me. They seemed awful, boring, and dull. I was getting angry because of this. They did a reverse on me. But I withdrew from them and all the sudden there was life, not a dull background mundane non-existence. I am sorry if this makes me more emotional and perhaps harder to deal with but I need to feel things. I need to see things in my perspective not some drugs perspective. I need to be able to read and remember. Learn and enjoy. Love and feel it. 

If you don't want to handle me being emotional I never asked you to do it against your will. If you don't want to listen to me I never asked you to do it against your will.
If you don't want to hang in there with me while I go through whatever I am going through you do not have to. But just let me know that.

I am bipolar. I am a carousel of emotions. I am up and down and down and up. I see things differently than a lot of people. I feel things in a different way that seems crazy to others. I think it is why sometimes I can be so intelligent and diligent. Or why I can see details others don't. Why I can see plot holes, or holes in lies. I think it is why I can be so honest about how I am feeling. Because I need to. I think it is why I can be artistic in different ways or see the beauty in things that others don't see. Why I can see several perspectives at once. Why I can be understanding because of seeing those perspectives and then flip and get upset the next second. I also do not need it to be an excuse. I simply am what I am. I have worked on many things about myself that I did not like, that others did not like, that were ruining my life and I am always okay with that. I need work. Who doesn't? But I am willing, I just need help.

I am very upset with some people to this day even though it is in the past. It is not easy to deal with certain things in the capacity that I did. There have been things that I think that most people would think I am crazy for. What they did, without consideration for anyone else, or maybe they did but glazed over it, was not okay. What they did changed me. Changed my perspective. Changed how I cope. It was that hard for me. Knowing what I went through with certain people and how viciously they turned on me burnt my core. And now I have to deal with the repercussions of those actions and the people around me do to because of its affect on me.  

How do you not let those things affect you? I don't think you can. I don't. No one knows everything about me. Not one single person in the world knows everything about me. No one knows everything that has ever happened to me good or bad (especially bad). NO ONE. I would hope NO ONE would ask me to tell them all. I would hope, however, through their love and understanding they would help me as I would for them.  That they would not need to ask why but would say okay. They have done this when I needed it. They never asked me questions twice if I did not want to answer. I am alone sometimes though. I am so very alone. I think I hate most when I want one specific person to be there and they can't or won't. It could be anyone that I feel I need but then they aren't there. Or they don't know what to do or they don't want to be there. I am too much for some people I suppose. Or maybe my honesty or my past hurts are too much, I am not sure. I would like to think I am generous and kind, and I am always here, but I can be weird. I can station myself in my room for days, or weeks, only wanting contact with certain people. But I am there even in those moments when someone needs me. I am good with people usually except when I am upset. That's when things get so flustered and then people get defensive, unresponsive, confused, or are simply there and help. 

How am I to do this? How am I to figure out all of this, all of my tiny life, all of my happiness and failures? What am I supposed to do? If I cannot be upset or ask for help or ask for someone to talk to, and if I am accused of not accepting someone because I am upset then doesn't that mean they can't accept me as I am because I do get upset and am honest? I am not all just that. I am also happy plenty of the time. I like to believe I try and have fun and have interesting arguments and conversations with whomever wants to talk philosophically or otherwise. I feel I am loving, very much so. I would sell everything I ever owned if it would help my family if they needed it. I would be there broke helping out whoever if they needed me to take care of them. I will listen and love and care. Maybe too much. Maybe that is part of what I am and maybe that comes with being bipolar. Lots of things come with being bipolar. One thing it doesn't come with though is a handbook for those around you to learn to understand you. Or a handbook on why I may react a certain way. I mean there are those damn medical books that make you think they know all this stuff. Have you ever read one? I feel most of them are full of SHIT. I feel that most of them make it seem like most of us bipolar bears need super medication forever because without it we are out of control!!!!! Or because a doctor thinks he knows a mind so well that he can be an authority on yours specifically even though he has talked to you once. The trying to be simple over complicated deductions about what bipolar is, how to react when we get upset, how to do this and that, what to expect. Perhaps, because stereotypes are there for a reason right? But I would say perhaps not because none of us are alike. Not that alike anyway. I have one book about it that I am slightly okay with and loaned out. But I don't think you can ever explain it. I don't know that you can ever say to someone I think or feel differently in a capacity where they won't look at you like "duh everyone does". When I say I see and feel differently I mean it. Not just as an individual but as something else. 

I am sure people with other mental illnesses can attest to is. We can say all we want we understand what PTSD is, or read a book that says 'what to expect', 'how to deal', 'what to do with a loved one when they have an attack', but I, a person without PTSD, will never know what it is like regardless of how many books or times I try and get it. I won't. Because they see and feel and remember differently than me. They work differently. And to them I work differently. 

I feel it is time to conclude my long novel here. I am not done. But who wants to read this much these days? Barely anyone. I do. But no one is me. So I guess I want to ask for you to help me understand and help me cope, please. 

Lea