The Never Understood

Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs "CAN YOU PLEASE GIVE ME ONE BREAK AND FOR ONE SECOND JUST TRY AND UNDERSTAND". I want to say that to a lot of people that have been or are in my life. It is not a choice to be mentally ill. It is NOT a choice.  At the current moment I am going through a manic-depressive episode. It is not fun for me at all. You get a nagging nagging nagging in your head all day about all sorts of things that may seem minuscule to some or may seem dangerously dark. It's simply what happens when I go through these episodes. I have NO control over it. I can try and calm myself, try and find things to do to keep me from wanting to just die, try and find people that are willing to try and understand, try and get the people or person I want to be there for me to help me but that doesn't mean any of this ever works or that I can ever get anyone to just be there. How do you tell someone "I am trying to reach out to you, and I need you" and actually get them to want to be there. It is no offense to anyone else when I specifically want a certain person or persons but at the same time I cannot make those people be there for me. Some people do not get it or don't want to and I cannot make them.

How do you deal with something you do not understand or do not wish to understand? I do not know that you can. I wish everyone just could. Even if they felt what I felt for one minute then maybe it would give them greater insight. How I wish I could do that for some people. 

When I am manic there are times when I can explode into a frustrated ball of madness, or times where I just get super upset and have a breakdown, and other times where I am just irritable or depressed. I am not always like this so I would hope those who love me could just be there for me when I get like this but again I cannot force anyone to do anything nor can I get them to understand. Sometimes I feel punished for these 'outbursts' and I do not feel that it is okay. I cannot help it. I cannot stop it. There is usually a trigger and that should be paid attention to not ignored and I never said anyone could not be mad that I get this way but a little empathy and compassion would not hurt. I cannot expect anyone to do anything ever. I couldn't even expect my ex-husband to 'deal' with me as he put it. He knew what and who I was and still wasn't willing to take a deeper look at the situation and try and understand. Some people aren't. I do not know that I can blame them for it either because who wants to deal with someone like me. I seem irrational to most people and my emotions can be so overpowering that most people just think 'oh she is overreacting'. But to me I'm not. To me that is how it works. That is how my brain works. I do not constantly question why so called 'normal' people (or people who aren't mentally ill) do not think my way. They just don't. 

I am always feeling judged. I always feel like people, even people I love, look at me and just think sometimes 'she is too much'. But too much what? I will never know how to explain what I go through. How my brain works or why I do or did what I did. It isn't really a possibility. Words are not enough. I can put words in tons of different orders and still I feel people do not understand. I do feel many other mentally ill people or bipolar people can understand but that is because they know what it is like to have a brain that literally works and is formed differently. There is evidence of that and evidence that in our genes and DNA we are different. Our emotional centers take over. If that takes over so much, so powerfully that what we see in reasoning normally is not the same at the time of the emotional override. I am not downgrading emotions here. They are useful resources for us. They help us build are moral values and ethical systems but that does not mean they cannot be destructive too. Our reasoning can be destructive. Over reasoning can be an awful thing. But when an emotional override happens (I am going to use those terms because it is probably the easiest way to explain this even though it doesn't really cover all) it's like a link in the chain has been broken. Something happens. Something detrimental happens. 

From personal experience I know that I can go from feeling great and happy to enraged within seconds. One trigger and then all the sudden everything in the world is on fire in my eyes. Nothing matters except getting the rage out. If I do not get it out it will linger and most likely turn worse or into something worse and more dangerous. How I get this rage out depends on the situation. In my past whoever was closest got hit with it, especially if they were the trigger. Through therapy I have worked to not do that. At least not as much as I used to or as harshly. I have learned to recognize this happening and to try and leave the situation or room. Sometimes I have to throw things (unbreakable things now), scream, rip something up, hit something (I have broken fingers and toes from this but it still helps) or let it gather until I collapse from the exhaustion it causes and cry. It seems weird and terrifying to others. It seems crazy. So try and imagine how I feel.

That is not the only thing that happens though. I can also be triggered into being dangerously upset or sad or depressed. When this happens I will snap and have a breakdown. It may be one that causes me to say hasty hostile things, irrational things, depressing things like "I want to just die" or "I wish no one had to deal with me ever again" etc. These moments are especially hard for me. I have no control. I have none. What can I do. I can walk out of the room or turn my phone off but that doesn't always work or sometimes I cannot push myself to do it. And if it is a depressive mood me being alone is probably not wise. I have sedated myself before. I have never admitted that out loud to anyone except my boyfriend. I couldn't take it. No one was there and I didn't care. I wanted to be gone from the world. I sedated myself and slept for days. I woke up here and there to go to the bathroom or get some water but that was it. When my ex-husband finally came around to asking me what was wrong or if I was feeling well I just said I was sick and he took me at my word. Which is fine. What else could he have done. But during these times I am needy. I need help. I need love. I need empathy. I need unconditional friendship. I need someone to be there without judging me. When I get like this it is harder to explain than the rage. I do not know where to even start!

Something happens maybe, or maybe I am just in a bad episode. Either way I start to feel this dread come over me. This violation of my happiness occurs. The darkness starts to roll in and fog all the good out of my mind so all I see is the sadness, or the bad, or the worthlessness of myself. It is horrifying to experience. I cannot speak for other mentally ill people but I know that a lot of time this makes me hate myself. I dwell on all those little things I have ever done, or all the bad things happening and cannot understand why I am even here. Why anyone wants to deal with me or be my friend. Why I even want to be here. That is how awful it feels. And I do not want some pity party. This is not a woe is me. This is just part of me that I am trying to explain. Sometimes I push during these times. Sometimes I push people away from me because I do not know why they even want to be around me or be my friend or love me because I think I am awful in those moments. There are also moments were I push because I consider killing myself. If I am going to I do not want anyone liking me because then they would be upset. Yes, I know this sounds crazy to a lot of you but it is just how it works for my brain sometimes. Of course I know I can push all I want but the people who really love me will still be there. When the darkness falls in my mind and all is consumed all I can see is the black. The detrimental black. I see things or notice things that most others probably would not or get bothered by things most people wouldn't get bothered by. When this happens a lot can set me off. A stressful moment, some bad news that probably isn't that bad, having something not go my way when I really wanted it to, having a feeling that someone I love is being distant (this may not really be the case but I see it that way which only aggravates the depression and makes me think "See I am not worth anything"), or I could feel that things are just crumbling around me when really they may not be. But if I get hit by something like that then I will have a break down of some sort. It may be that I just collapse crying, roll up in a fetal position and cry, stare at things that could kill me, freak out beyond recognition to where someone will have to forcefully embrace me to calm me, or I could fight with you. Not physically but vocally. I may start a fight over something that seems really dumb or over something out of our control but it just happens. I have no idea why. I will never be able to tell any of you why this is happening. The only thing I can do is apologize if I hurt your feelings because I said something nasty or something I didn't mean, or for making you feel like I am just a bundle of dread. I hate that. I am always worried I will be left behind because most reflect back on those bad moments where it is just bad. Where the mental illness is just dark and depressing. But that isn't all me. So when these things happen I just need understanding. That doesn't mean anyone has to actually totally understand what I go through it means I need that person to take a minute to realize that what is happening to me is not controllable and that I need to just calm down and whatever I say needs to be taken with a grain of salt. I don't mean most of it when I am fighting. Somethings I do because there are things that upset me and I will say them but other things are just me blowing out the steam. I always apologize or try and make up for it though. Always. 

There are some people who will tell me I have no reason to apologize for things I cannot control but I feel like I do. I shouldn't say those things and while I feel there isn't much control beyond where I have come to now in my life that I have hurt someone and need to make it right. If I am crying all day I do not apologize for that. Sometimes that needs to happen. If I am stuck in bed all day I do not apologize for being gloomy just as I would not expect a depressed person to apologize for being depressed. However, I do when I know I have overreacted in a way that hurt someone or upset them. Forgiveness is needed though and that is the understanding I am looking for in those moments. Trust me I punish myself quiet a bit for having those moments. I already feel awful about myself and when I cannot control my ridiculous temper or emotions it makes it even harder for me. So please, to all my friends and family, give me some slack sometimes (most of you do). When I ask for help please just help. When I need to just bitch and I raise my voice know I am not yelling at you but the world. When I say I want to be left alone it is not personal which is why I understand when others tell me they need to be alone. Usually though I do not want to be alone for long because I know it is not that healthy for me. It can make me worse so sometimes I need to be forced to be put into an environment with another person. Even if it's just watching movies with mom or Shawn or my little sister or calling my older sister. I just can't be left to my own devices for too long. Or it get's worse.

Getting help is sometimes hard too. I may want to see a therapist at this moment but actually getting to talk to one takes a long time. You need an intake interview and then eventually, after weeks, you may finally get to see someone who will actually listen and be someone you feel comfortable with. I have despised most of the therapists I have had accept one. However, she still didn't seem to take some of the things I said into consideration or was very unresponsive to the help I needed. So sometimes I just need a loved one there instead. Please never give up on me.

I need to bring up also that I have other episodes. I have mania sometimes. These modes can be hard to deal with too because I get wired and high on neurotransmitters and hormones. I am UP UP UP. I am through the roof with energy and I can stay up all night for days in a row. I want to just do stuff and can be aggressive, and sometimes hostile but I just need to GO. For many this can be quiet annoying. I sing a lot and I goof around too much and I have a hard time being serious. And if this high get's ruined I get agitated.  This kind of episode is harder to explain and hard to control. I have no real way of coming down. I have meds but as I said in the last post I stopped taking them because I was worse on them than off. I need to find activities during these times. Tons. Or I need to be socializing or working. But have faith that these episodes for me last a lot less longer than the manic-depressive ones.

And then for most of the time you get me. I am still different. I am still very sensitive and emotional. I am still needy and I know no one in the world could possibly give me all I want because I want everything. But I do not know that is always a flaw. I feel when I love you in any form my neediness comes in hand. I am more generous than most because I want to be there for you. I want to be around people I love. Sometimes it is only a specific few or maybe just one person but that means I am there always for you for whatever. I may be sensitive but for me this gives me an edge most don't have. I can pick up on things most can't. I can find the small details that matter but are hard to find. I can see logic where some can't and I can find solutions where others may not see one. My emotional state is usually high but that makes me empathetic to others. I am humble and very generous. I will be there for you whenever you need me because I, emotionally, can understand what it is like to need help, or a shoulder to cry on, or a hug, or whatever. So being bipolar is not always bad. It makes me a perceptive, interesting, and loving person. If you can handle my episodes than you also get a kind friend on the more normal basis. I have made mistakes and will make more but that doesn't mean I won't make up for them. I am never going to be perfect or ideal. I will be that woman most think is just off her rocker but that is ok. I have accepted that this is me and I would only hope those who love me or are friends with me would be accepting too!

Now my last point. I need to get this off my chest. Someone young I know, and I am not naming them here because that is not my place, is not doing well mentally. She is having issues that are deep. I know those feelings and the hardship it causes on one's self esteem. I know that it hurts so badly that you will do anything to try and make it stop. Considering suicide is usually one of the key answers to this type of pain. I am fortunate enough to have convinced myself of ways to not do it or to talk myself out of it. I imagine my mother's face finding me dead. I cry every time I imagine it. I am literally tearing up right now. I know what it would do to her and I can't handle it. I know she is strong but that would devastate her. I have never been to the point, obviously, where my internal pain overrides this caring for my mother's devastation and I hope I never get there. I know my whole family would be upset but what always does it is seeing mom's face. This young lady I am talking about though, I do not think she has that. She does not have that thing yet to tell her NO this will do something you do not want to happen. I see the pain in her and I empathize so deeply. She has been committed now for fear she would kill herself or try. She has been doing self harm and doing inappropriate things. I honestly believe she is trying to say something without saying it but I do not know what exactly yet. Of course she wants to call for help but won't directly do it. It took me a long time to actually admit when I needed it. But I think there is something else. She is clearly feeling insecure which is shown by her actions and she is acting out of control for a reason. What she needs is understanding which she has by most-maybe not her peers but by her loved ones. However, without the correct hope she is going to push it too far one day. One day it could severely harm her. One day if she does not cooperate she could lose a lot of the things and people she has. So I feel since I can empathize deeply I need to find a way for her to reach to me. I do not know exactly how but I will find a way. This is affecting me deeply. I am already going through an episode but with this on top of it and my grandma's (who is no longer here) birthday being yesterday I feel dark. I feel lost. I feel alone. I am worried and stressed and I need to release it somehow. I need someone, someone specific. But I cannot control that that someone be there. I just wish I could take all her pain away so she could just enjoy her beautiful life. I wish I knew how to get her to realize that the feeling of self-loathing isn't always there and sometimes you get a break and realize you are worth it. If you can find the good in you, the things that make you special then you can get through your harder moments of believing you are not worth anything. I will find a way to show her this. I will. I cannot find her dead one day. I cannot get that call. I have to find a way.

Please pass awareness out about mentally ill people. Be understanding and try, even when it is hard, to empathize and give them a chance. It can be hard to tolerate. It can be difficult to deal with someone going through these things but never give up. That in itself can make that person fall from where they finally got to back to a worse time. I know it is hard and sometimes walking away from me or anyone like me seems like a better and easier bet but remember that those people are hurting. They have an internal pain that is hard to understand and is pretty uncontrollable. Of course there are ways to get better at dealing with it and we try, I believe most of us try really hard to cope and deal with it. I know I have worked extremely hard and always will. But bringing awareness to the problem is something everyone can do. Helping people get educated on what these mental illnesses do to people can bring the mentally ill more ease of access to help or at least to more helping friends and family. You can be aggravated at them, mad at them, upset with them, but just remember that they are not like you and never will be. They cannot control a lot of their feelings and it affects them deeply. Just spread some love.



Lea