Humiliation and Panic

I had to write four papers in the last few weeks, and needless to say it was a daunting task. I had won a trip to the Marlboro Ranch so that was scheduled very inconveniently during the time I needed these papers done. Little did I know that two of my professors would extend the due date. Guess which papers I had written a month before the original due date to have time for the others? You got it, the two that got extended dates. I am an Honors student I can handle a few papers, long or short but something happened to me.

I got stuck in my manic rut. This time it was different. I started cycling through different episodes and could not gain control over my feelings. I felt lost, overwhelmed, and insecure leading to a very sorrowful depressed unmotivated state. It was so debilitating that over spring break I didn't even touch my research or my papers. This is not normal for me. Even in the past when I would go through rapid cycling I still felt motivation to do well academically. Well this lack of motivation caused panic to ensue at an almost constant rate which led to an utterly awful and rushed paper for Biomedical Ethics (my favorite).

Thankfully I have peers that help me edit but this paper is a turd compared to my normal writing skills. Obviously here this is no where near my academic writing but nonetheless I am mortified.

Now having been put back on my meds after a complete break down I am calmest but still feeling sick about the draft I turned in. It is astonishing how a mental illness can diminish your analytical and cognitive skills. You think you are organized and have it together just to come to the realization that you do not. You are overwhelmed and have dug yourself a deep hole. You have decided to not take care of your mental illness because you stereotypically think "Oh I'm good I can control this on my own. I am super rational now and don't need any flipping meds that just tranquilize me!"

You eventually come to realize-once you notice a downturn in your productivity, skill set, and everyday attitude toward the 'innocents'- that you are far from good and far from being able to take care of it alone. Support helps but for me without the meds I feel just nuts. Rolling up and down a hill continuously and destroying things that get in my way. Angry at people who aren't bad people (like getting angry at your husband because deep down you are mad at the world). Sometimes the feelings are correct but a lot of times they are just not.

It can feel mortifying to realize you are acting super irrational when you believe you are thinking logically-and this hurts more when you study gosh dang logic and philosophy! I was open with my professor and apologized for the atrocity I turned in. I did reedit it but who knows if it is even close to my normal work. I had to tell her. It was not an excuse I will fully accept my grade but I felt an apology was in order as I slacked off during break (not because I was drinking and partying and granted it was because of mental sickness).

I do still astonish myself sometimes though because I have a hard time sticking to a job, a budget, a therapy, and so on, but I have stuck to school and researching on my own. I have no clue if I will mentally be able to handle a career or having to be at work most of the week, but with support I can do better.

To be honest, J did slack off a bit more than usual at school attendance wise. Usually I try and make every class and this semester the monster in my head hit, and along with that physical issues. So here I lay with degenerating cartilage and what sometimes feels like a degenerative frontal lobe trying to do what I can. Driving to school, even sitting in a long class, going into some store where I could probably get a job, and panicking really does disable me. Panic and your day may just feel ruined. Panic and be going through a manic or mania stage and guess what, all hell breaks loose inside that brain. You can't get it together. Happiness may be off the table that day(s), and sorrow comes a tumbling on down. It make you feel useless bc wherever you go you start fearing, and wherever you go you may start feeling the affects of mental illness. It makes for a situation where all you want is to go lay down at home. Many times I have fallen victim to it and have just laid in bed all day. This is not normal, and it is not Okay. So please tell anyone who says 'everyone is bipolar' to read this post, shoot email me, IDC, but make sure you realize that bipolar and panic disorders are not 'fake', are not ways to get drugs (JI mean if you really want go ahead get some tranquilizers for bipolar and tell me how ya like it!), nor is it something one should try to handle on their own. Sometimes we need help, sometime we need support.

Thank you

Lea