The ups and downs

I hate it most when people say "isn't everyone bipolar, at least a little bit?" No and that is one of the stupidest things I have ever heard.

If by 'isn't everyone bipolar' you mean doesn't everyone have crazy episodes, you are even more a douchebag.

Guess what? Having Bipolar disorder is not fun to deal with, nor is it 'cool' to have, nor is it an excuse for some not mentally ill person to use when she/he goes loco on her/his bf or gf.

You want to know what it feels like to be bipolar? Well I will tell you how it makes me feel.

When I go through a manic episode I literally feel my blood pressure spiking (if I am getting angry). So much so I can pinpoint when RAGE mode is about to happen. Since I rapidly cycle through episodes I will try to lay it out for you

Perhaps I wake up a bit aggravated, this means little things are going to make me angry. Like the hot water not being hot enough. Then I go into some low weird sorrow episode where anything can set me off crying or hating life. This may seem absolutely ridiculous but this is how it really happens. I then may get very hyper, or hyper focused on some task. So hyper I can't stop chatting, or can't get off facebook bc no one is home to bother. When I realize, irrationally, that acting like this, and feeling facebook is my only option to connect, I again cycle into a sorrowful state. I sit and brew for a long time, like 4 hours or so. I start to irrationally conjure up all these things either my lover, or my family has done, and I start to boil. If someone is home with me they become my target. I know I need to calm the fuck down but I can't. I know I may even have a legitimate reason to be mad but am projecting it all onto one person instead of talking to the people who really angered me. The issue is that sometimes I don't want to recognize or care about what someone has done towards me that is hurtful because I don't want to feel crazy again. I don't want to feel like they are looking at me like I have the IQ of a ten year old so I keep it in. Well that back fires.

Instead it brews and brews and something unrelated to how they hurt me can remind my irrational self why I was hurt by them.

The RAGE ensues, or should I say erupts. I start feeling my body building up in anticipation. My nerves are going crazy, my mind is hyperfocused and on point. I am literally trying to calm myself internally, which never works, and then I burst. I throw things that are unbreakable now since I had broken so many expensive things before I had to learn to keep unbreakable around. I scream, or say vicious things, which I regret the second I say them, and I usually make myself walk away. I can't mentally handle it so I have to walk away or I will bury myself.

Once I walk away something strange happens. I feel the rage lift off and a deep depression weigh in. I start to cry and weep. I feel so trapped in my head because I cannot control it, and everything just starts coming out. All those hidden feelings, all the frustration from being bipolar,all the sadness associated with manic depression, and so forth. I sometimes cry for hours when this happens. But after awhile something else happens.
Sometimes it is sooner because my husband comes to talk with me and help me work through it, sometimes no one is home so it takes longer. But eventually I feel happy. So fucking happy. I don't have any clue why and no idea why I feel I should go run a few miles.

This may happen often, or only parts of this cycle take place -usually sorrow, anger, and hyper focusing. However, I tend to believe I don't need meds when really I do. I cannot explain in words how awful I can become and how depressed I get. Plus I start panicking big time when I am cycling. It's because I have time periods (anywhere from one week, to several) where I feel stable. But don't be fooled!

I am now back on meds because I couldn't deal with it anymore! But that's for another time.

Thanks for reading if anyone actually did!

Lea