My final hearing for dissolution is on the 16th. I am good with getting the dissolution as I don't want to be with somebody like what my husband turned out to be. I find it sad that he blamed me for his weight gain, stress, sleep apnea and high BP. It really isn't my fault he sat on his ass all day playing video games. I guess him saying that really got under my skin because not only could he not respect me enough to not cheat, then not even tell me the truth even though I had 100% proof, but now he is blaming ME for his actions. I'm sorry but I know when people break up they try to make themselves look like they did nothing wrong and blame the other for all these things they probably didn't cause so I am not surprised he is saying it is my fault since he is super self absorbed and cannot take responsibility for his own actions.
I never force fed him the candy, chips, and whatever else he ate. Nor did I tell him not to workout or go get healthy. Actually me and his mom tried to get him off the video games so he could get off his ass and all he did was yell at us. Then of course he now is saying how I didn't 'allow' him to watch dragon ball z and didn't let him play video games. I find this quite hilarious since we used to argue because he never paid much attention to me but would sit in front of that TV and play video games all day, and while I was busy doing house work or homework he was watching his anime shows so I have no clue how that equates to me not 'allowing' him to do those things. Clearly he is a person that needs to get attention and sympathy for something that isn't actually true. It's quite pathetic that he cannot take responsibility for his own actions, and then lies on top of that accusing me of not allowing him to do things he constantly did to the point where he neglected me because he was in front of that TV all damn day unless he was going early to school to 'study' or doing his homework which he had ME help him with and edit his papers yet I was such a horrible person right.
He told me he thought I exaggerated my mental illness-which is bull shit because there are plenty of days where I wish I could feel normal. He told me how I needed to work out, and do more squats so my butt didn't sag! That one hurt. He also downplayed what was going on with my hip. He would tell me how I need to get over the pain, would send me links to stories about how pain can be all in your head, and would say I shouldn't get surgery. Well guess what? My femoral neck is not curved like it should be; it is straight and rigid with new bone growth and on top of that I have natural dysplasia (shallow socket) so I guess that was all in my head right. So I guess it really burns my britches that he said that stuff and tried telling me how I was doing it all wrong and needed to work out. Yet I did at night. I didn't do much no but I did squats, I stretched and I did do crunches right before I went to bed. I workout more now because I am so close to surgery that I need my muscles to be nice and strong. I also have been riding because I figured my bone needs to be reshaped anyway and the tear is going to be fixed so why not get out there and ride flatland bmx. I am strong yet I don't think he ever saw that in me. I may have married him for the wrong reason- because we had lost a pregnancy together- but the man I married did care, helped me get up and understood I had a mental illness and accepted it. The man I am getting a divorce from is someone I don't even know. He is selfish, lacked any empathy for me, seemed to be instigating me so not only could he hold my temper ( my bipolar temper) against me but I think also he wanted to either make me distance myself from him or he wanted to distance himself from me because he was no longer very nice to me.
Here I am going to talk about what I did wrong and take responsibility for MY actions without blaming HIM for them because I am a mature adult. I did not get back on my meds which was a bad decision because that made me feel a lot more, made me feel manipulated, made me get angry very quickly because I was irritable, and I ended up fighting with him because I felt he never gave me enough attention (I felt very neglected and alone). Yes I can be a pain in the butt because I can become very irritable, depressed, hyper, or angry. I know those things about myself and I was honest from the second we started dating. I felt so neglected that I went through a psychosis that led me to be even more paranoid about feeling manipulated, I got upset very easily, and yes I would yell. I would let him know that him playing all day on his Xbox affected me very negatively, and no I didn't always do it in a nice way because sometimes I would get so frustrated I would just yell. When my birthday came around this year sure he bought me a $75 dollar ukulele but he didn't even buy me a card until two days later when I had flipped out. I took myself out for dinner. He never did take me out to eat. He then convinced me to stay at home rather than drive through the snow to go to Sephora because I wanted to treat myself if no one else was going to (him). He said we would go the next day after my family birthday party. When we were leaving I asked if we could go and he was like 'I don't really feel like it I want to go home" but I brought up our previous conversation so he gave in. While there I picked myself up makeup and he decided to pay for some eye shadow saying " girls like makeup that should make you happy." WOW right. It amazed me how dense he was about the whole thing. On my actual birthday he had stated how he had dropped the ball and felt really bad yet got mad when I was really upset because he still had planned nothing even though he knew I was hurt so fuck yeah I yelled. It was like he waited to go on the trip I won and then was trying to instigate me to leave or something. When I got super upset about my birthday that was the first time he said I can't give anymore- How could he not give anymore if he was putting nothing into our relationship? If I asked for more attention he got livid, if I asked him to play less video games he freaked out, he maybe spent a few hours a week actually being close, but mainly it felt like he was using me to help him with his homework. It made me feel worthless to the point I slipped into that psychosis ( which is when he told me he thought I exaggerated my illness).
These last several month have been horrible and while I may have gotten into arguments because he instigated me, or ignored my needs, he is the one who made himself the way he was not me. He gained weight by sitting on his ass for more than 12 hours a day playing games which caused sleep apnea because the more weight you have on you the more likely you are to have sleep apnea. He got sleep apnea from gaining weight which caused his high blood pressure. I had nothing to do with that. He stuffed his face with whatever he wanted - I didn't force feed. He can go tell people I "verbally abused" him because I know the truth. He can't handle being told you are wrong, you are neglecting your responsibilities of being a husband, being told you are selfish and all you care about is yourself, being told that you are being an asshole because you are yelling at me for childish bs, or that you are a coward and a self absurd douche when I found out you cheated so if that's what you want to call verbal abuse go ahead and make people feel pity for you because it's pathetic.
I am not sad about the divorce because I felt so alone. I felt so stressed. I felt so neglected by the person who made vows to always be there and then said his vows weren't as serious because I changed, when really he reverted back to being a teenager who couldn't understand what a marriage meant. This is why I am happy - because I now get to have better things come my way. People who actually care for me. People who give me love and affection. People who I can trust. I am not being told I am either lazy because I have limitations, or that I need to workout more or make sure to do more squats so my ass isn't saggy. I get told how beautiful I am without anyone prompting. I don't get told "you don't get pretty for me" (meaning I hadn't put on makeup because apparently that is when I am pretty). I get told I am beautiful without my makeup on. I am free from feeling secluded. I am not getting my mental illness hung over my head and my physical conditions are not being downplayed or treated like they are in my head because my family and friends care enough to go to the doctors with me, to see what is actually happening to me and how I am doing. I know I was never truly in love with Nathan because what we had was based of a bond we made from losing a pregnancy and he became so distant that I started not recognizing him. I don't think he was truly in love with me either because when you are you accept all the flaws and perfection of a person. You accept their mental illness and if you can't you don't ask them to marry you and then all the sudden say you can't take it because vows are through thick and thin. He didn't truly love me. I heard when he first hung out with me he was acting like I was a 'trophy fuck' because I rode bmx and was pretty and whatever else so I think when I couldn't ride, nor be a baby maker, all the sudden I wasn't attractive. That isn't true love. I stuck through it even when I was unhappy because I did marry him. Even if he was the wrong man or not the man I wanted to marry or be married to I made vows. I guess these things have been bubbling under my skin and I just needed to vent. I over him because he is obviously not someone I want, nor do I find him attractive at all anymore, nor do I want to be with him because he isn't the one for me, plus he is a cheater. However, that does not mean what he says and rumors he makes don't affect me. They do. They do affect me because he can't even respect me enough to stop the games and stop being self absorbed and just wanting sympathy and empathy and pity for shit that isn't true. So that is why I wrote this. Because I get to say my side too. I get to have feelings now without having someone hold it over me. I get to feel love now from people who actually love me so I feel empowered enough to vent the last of it out no matter what anyone thinks. In other posts I didn't say everything because for some reason I didn't feel like I could or like it was my right to do before divorce but now I do because he is spitting out lies so I get to spit out the truth. Truth that actually acknowledges that I am taking responsibility for my wrong actions.
I have felt so much love from all the people around me. SO much so that it is more than I had felt from my marriage in months. I feel pretty again. I feel like no one is trying to treat me like I am dumb and they know I am extremely intelligent. No one is trying to say some bs to me that is stupid and not true like he did thinking I was an idiot. Sorry to say it but I'm smarter than you Nathan and always will be. I don't have people negating me constantly because they respect my intelligence and are not so narcissistic that they have to be right just to be right- meaning they accept new information and don't tell me I am wrong and then spew out bs that is false, and then the second some other person sides with me finally decide to say I am right. That doesn't happen anymore because the ones that love me know I am smart and don't talk down to me or act like I am an idiot. My dear friend held me and I had forgotten what it felt like to feel such love and kindness that I cried for awhile. I no longer am neglected. I have people all around me that know me, accept me, understand me, understand my ailments and who give me love and can hold me or console me. I feel free. I feel like an empowered woman again. I feel strong. I feel like I get to shine in my spotlight now and show the world what I am made of instead of feeling so depressed I don't want to leave the house. I am motivated now and I am determined. I know what I want. I know exactly what I want. I am going to get what I want and need. I can thank Nathan for this- Thank you for being so neglectful, so selfish, and so disrespectful because it got me out of an unhappy and unhealthy situation and me into a much much better and brighter situation. Thanks for being an asshole and cheating because it solidified just how much we shouldn't be together and just how selfish you are. Our divorce is in two weeks away and I can't wait. Thank you for saying you wanted a divorce because it made my life so much better and brought me back onto the path I have wanted to be on for a long time now. I wanted it for awhile but held to my integrity. So thank you for that. I kept my integrity and you lost out on a wonderful, patient, generous, kind, beautiful, and strong woman. A woman who has so much love in her life now because she isn't secluded, or feeling secluded, that I feel only disrespected because of how you were and what you did, but now heart broken, not sad about losing you, and not upset about the divorce.
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