Yesterday was the day of my final hearing for divorce and my marriage was dissolved. While in the courtroom me and my now ex-husband were nice to each other; it's an awkward situation why make hard on yourself by not being nice? Afterwards he wanted to talk to me and I said that was fine. He wanted to get some things of his chest and me off mine. However, I did not expect the words that came out of his mouth.
He said "I just started not liking you", "I disliked you". I asked why?, what have I ever done to make you not like me?, I did everything I could for our marriage because that's what you're supposed to do. I would sit and cry for hours alone in my room because I felt so unhappy because you didn't want anything to do with me and all I ever did was try. He responded with he didn't know why he disliked me. He doesn't dislike me now but he did then. He told me he was purposely pulling away/pushing me away. I felt that this was just so bad because it felt as if he used me for my trip to the Marlboro Ranch. He said of course that that wasn't it he thought that would bring us closer. I don't know that I believe that because my birthday was right after that trip and he didn't care enough to plan anything for it. He bought me a gift and after I got really upset he bought me a card and roses but then when the next day came we got into a huge argument and that's the first time I heard the words "I can't give anymore of myself to you, I have nothing left" spoken to me. I said this stuff to him yesterday. I said you didn't care, you weren't the man I thought you were, last year you did everything to make my birthday go by happily instead of sadly (I hate my birthday because I shared it with my grandma and she passed, and I miss all my dead relatives on that day so I am usually quite upset on my birthday). I also said " You weren't giving anything so how could you not give anymore? I gave everything and all I kept fighting for was love and affection." He replied that he had supported me for a couple of years and couldn't do it anymore. He didn't dislike me because I was bipolar or because I was injured and have a lot of physical issues. But it certainly feels like that. He did used to care and he would help me but he stopped that awhile ago. I even asked about after the second pregnancy why he distanced himself and he said because I was mean about the way he reacted (He shut himself down and I felt like he abandoned me in pain and emotional turn down and all I asked was for him to talk to me and be there). I never restricted him but he felt that I did. He can feel anyway he wants but that doesn't mean that I did that. I never said don't go workout or ride or eat healthy. He even said he has the grey hair to prove how stressful it was and he was 'literally dying from hypertension". I replied that I lost my hair and was left to cry alone. Neglected because he 'didn't like me anymore". But you know what maybe he stopped working out because he felt guilt for 'not liking me anymore' and for the way he was treating me. Maybe that stressed him out because he knew it was wrong and a husband should be there for his wife. Maybe he needs to look internally to see the damage he did to himself. I wish he had been honest and just said he didn't want the relationship before we moved out in December. That would have made life easier. I am not going to talk about the rest of our conversation because that doesn't need to be public. But this part of it really stung.
Now it didn't sting because I am in love with him, it didn't sting because I wanted to keep the marriage because I didn't and don't. It stung because as an honest woman I put all my efforts into that relationship because I had made a commitment. I was not about to turn on my word regardless of if I was very unhappy the last several months of our marriage. I was willing to try because I gave my word. He wasn't. He left the relationship. He went into his own world and then started projecting things onto me (like his silver hair and hypertension). I didn't do those things to him. I may have fought and been emotional because I felt as a wife I was not getting the love or affection I deserved, but I didn't leave the relationship. He told me I had changed, but I explained that I only changed because he was gone and he was not there for me. He wasn't acting like who I thought I knew. That changes a woman because her emotions get all tangled because she doesn't understand what she could have possibly done besides give everything to deserve it.
So what's the point of this blog besides to vent a little?
I don't mean to make him look like a jerk, I am simply putting down what he gave me yesterday. I am not making this post to make myself look good and him bad. I just want people to know that by using a person, neglecting them, or 'leaving the relationship' while still in it, or by not being honest about how you feel you can crush the other person. You can make the other person feel so badly that they break like I did and go into a psychosis. You can hurt them so badly that they become extremely emotional and off the wall. He apologized yesterday and I believe it was sincere and that is all I wanted but I did not leave the conversation okay. I didn't feel closure really. I felt anger. I felt a lot of anger. I felt used for that trip I really do. I feel manipulated like he got me to move and then when we moved he reverted into this person I didn't know and our ship started to sink. I feel like it may have all been on purpose because he felt he would at some point end it. If you don't like who you are with do not torture them. Do not stay in the relationship because you will make them feel worthless, ugly, and perhaps suicidal like I was. Yes I am saying it flat out, there were days were I wondered if I would be better off just gone from the world. I couldn't be happy in my marriage, my husband didn't seem to care about me anymore, and nothing seemed right at all. But something happened when I packed my bags and then he said a divorce was in order. A pressure lifted off of me. I was hurt of course because who thinks that is fun, and who likes being unhappy in a relationship someone made a commitment to be in and then left it while still in it? No one. But a weight lifted. All the sudden I felt I didn't have to walk on eggshells with my mental illness, I didn't have to "not complain" about my body hurting (like saying 'man my hip is killing me everyday" and not wanting to say anything for fear it was 'unattractive' as I felt I was being a bit of a cripple). I no longer had to fight for something that was tearing us both down. Something that made me unhappy and clearly him unhappy. Something that wasn't meant to be. All the sudden I could be free from the stress of trying to save a severely damaged marriage that made me miserable.
Do not let something go on if you are not happy. I am at fault there too because I was super unhappy as months passed and he pushed away but I kept trying. It's all I had so I kept trying. However, if you can't like yourself you can't like who your with, and maybe he started disliking himself so he started disliking me. I have no clue but don't do that to a person you once loved or do love. Just be honest. Don't make them feel used, or manipulated by the actions you take because even if that isn't your intention that's what it feels like. Let them go.
Now the last month and a half I have grown my hair back, lost weight, felt happy and stable like I said in my last blog. But there are several reasons why and now I will be honest and say what they are. I have been elusive about the matter.
First, my family. My mom has been my rock ever since I was a child and she still is. No matter what we go through she is there picking me up or me trying to pick her up. She has made me feel so loved that even just writing this is making me tear up. She has let me cry on her shoulder, talk as much shit as I want or don't want, has listened, and has talked to me and made me feel better. Everyday she gives me a hug and a kiss at least once and tells me she loves me all day long. She takes care of me right now and I don't have the words to thank her properly.
Second, I have my sisters. Lauren I now live with and if you knew her you'd know how funny she can be and how kind and caring she is. She has talked shit with me because that's what you do when you leave a relationship and you're angry lol. She has vowed to help me with my surgery making my life easier and she doesn't have to do that. She has taken me out shopping so we can have fun couponing and it was a great distraction. She always has a story to tell and it brings me up. She too always hugs me or gives me a kiss and we always say I love you to each other. My older sister Tiffany has also been there. She has helped me through the process, took me to the divorce hearing, talked me back up from a collapse in tears, and has supported me. She too always says she loves me. She is also helping me with the surgery and is taking me to it and I know if I need her I can call her and she will be right there if possible. My littlest sister Emily is just adorable. While I haven't seen her too often over the last month and a half she did something so sweet that I will never forget. For doing so well in school and getting her grades up I gave her my old camera that started my love for photography. She loves photography too and is very good at it and she is only 12. When I took it to her she read the letter I gave her before opening the present. She threw it down, started crying and hugged me in a way that I will never forget. That moment I will never forget. EVER. She showed appreciation on a level out of this world for an old camera. She made me feel appreciated in that instant. She hugged for a few minutes and didn't want to let go. She showed me what love she had for me and what appreciation looked like. My nephew Ben was also quite funny but I won't put what he said here. He always shows his love for me and that brings me up too. He is a funny little man and I am thankful he is in my life.
My friend Tina and numerous others have also been there for me to push me back up into a place where I know people truly care about me. Even my friend Fran, who I have not met but chats me up online has been there for me. That is something I am eternally grateful for. Also, since I have edited this three times as my mind plays tricks on me, let me thank my Aunt carol because not only did she buy one expensive cab ride home from me to help me out, she is constantly sending me uplifting texts, and comments on my Facebook and they really do mean a lot to me. I love you!
So my advice for those who are unhappy in their relationship, if it seems the pieces will never make sense, if happiness is not readily available for either of you, if you have lost what you thought there was, then it wasn't meant to be and let it go. I should have let go sooner, and he should have let go sooner. We should have waited to see if marriage was really something that was right for me and Nathan, and if we had we would have not gone through what we have in the last several months. To be in an unhappy relationship is unhealthy. If you leave a relationship and don't feel a severe loss, you don't feel like you lost love because you have been so unhappy then you know that relationship is not for you and you don't ever need to be a part of it again. Sure you may be upset, it's natural, and you may be sad that things went the way they did, but know that it wasn't meant to be and that is okay. Like me and my mother have. Like me and my sisters and nephew have, and like me and my friends have. Don't be fooled into thinking because you made a commitment that you have to stay apart of it if the other one is pushing you and you know it's because they aren't in love with you, and they aren't right for you.
Love is something that evil shouldn't be able to take away.
Lea
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