The Stigma

Often times those who have mental illnesses are stigmatized. Even those with physical disabilities are often stigmatized. It is not fair, it does not feel good, and it certainly is not right. With mental illness people cannot physically see what is wrong so it becomes almost a joke to some people because if they cannot see it it just is not real to them. I have said this in previous posts that people will ask if bipolar disorder or anxiety disorder is even a real thing. To those that suffer from those issues it is more real than a lot of things. Everything can become broken in seconds for you. The oppression from anxiety is so overwhelming that sometimes during a panic attack the thought of death seems more satisfying. When you are going through a panic attack you are overtaken by irrational ideas/ thoughts that at a better moment you know are not reasonable. When you have compulsions people do not understand why; they simply think you are some weirdo. There is a lot of stigma behind OCD because most of the time people think of persons who are germ-o--phoebes or clean freaks, and other times they think you have some irrational idea behind your compulsions (I admit I thought that for the longest time until I was told I had compulsions). I have a compulsion that drives me to constantly look over websites on certain information I hear about, or read twenty different articles about one topic because I feel the need to know it, actually know it and that means looking at things repeatedly.
Bipolar disorder has been so mislabeled by some movies that there is just a huge stereotype on what being bipolar actually means. I once watched that ridiculous movie "running with scissors" (I believe that was the name of it), and it was quite wrong. It was almost insulting. I am sure there are people out there that were represented by that movie, but speaking as someone who has severe bipolar disorder with rapid cycling episodes I can tell you that that movie did not do what I go through justice. Shoot I sometimes have a hard time explaining what I go through.

I bring all this up because today in my book club we discussed the book "Metamorphosis" and most people felt that Gregor turning into a 'vermin' was an analogy for mental illness. Indeed the author did deal with insomnia and his father abusing him so this was obviously a source for his book. This book never explains why Gregor turned into an insect, nor what it was really supposed to represent. There was only one person in the class that associated the change as just how life goes, you change day to day. It made me realize that depending on life circumstances you may view this book differently. As someone dealing with mental illness and having felt the stigma I genuinely believe the metamorphosis represented that. It did not need to tell me why he just morphed into a new creature, I already knew. When I first started becoming angry, and then angrier, and then depressed and then more depressed, I could recognize I was changing in behavior and mental thoughts, but I did not full out come out and say 'Oh god I am becoming some raging monster' and when my panic attacks started I realized that something was off but I didn't know really what. Again I did not come out going 'Oh my god I am becoming hysterical for no reason'. I just dealt with it and went on living how I lived but adjustments due to my changing mind were made quietly and I did not have any need to stop and really analyze it until I became older and it affected me more. But it still wasn't a dead stop in the road revelation about me being mentally ill. In the book Gregory recognizes he has transformed but doesn't care he just wants to go to work. He doesn't think him taking shape as a 'vermin' will impede him in anyway, he can go on being a traveling salesman. That's how most of us feel I am sure. We just feel OK I am different or I have some issues but I am just going to keep on keeping on.

However, as the book progresses you realize that his sister, who could not even look at him even when she was trying to take care of him in his new form, started to feel he was just a burden, and so did his parents. Before he was treated well but before he was also the bread winner. Now they had to do all the work--- Gee Gregor what were you thinking! His father even throws apples at him and impales his back so badly that it causes him some paralysis. No one ever took the apple out of his back and this apple stayed there for months. Hmmm metaphor for stabbing a person in the back? Perhaps. In the end his sister and parents say  that they just cannot take him anymore, he is just a burden, and they have to get rid of him. They had wished he would just understand that and leave on his own accord.

I am not saying all families are like this or even that most are I am just trying to point out that those with issues, especially issues that affect one's daily like and prevent them from doing what they'd like or what they need to do (work, go to school etch.), make people look at you differently. I had a conversation with a girl once, no names given for this, and she believed that most of the people on disability and welfare and food stamps were just lazy people. This is a stigma that runs hot in the United States. There is a HUGE debate on whether our welfare systems are good, or if they just let the 'lazy be lazy'. Now this absolutely disgusts me when people say this kind of stuff. I would like to say that many of those people probably have a mental illness or physical disability that makes them unable to work or to live a normal life. Yes there are always people who abuse the system, that is not a new concept, and yes many people who use welfare systems are not disabled but strictly need help in a time of need. But to just outright denounce all of the people on a welfare system meant to help people establish themselves in a country that is super capitalistic is just ignorant and distasteful.

Most of our homeless here in the US are mentally ill, and they cannot get proper health care so they do self medicate. Or they get the meds that are so sedating they no longer feel anything and so they of course go out and find a way to feel something. Now a lot of these people could be severely mentally ill and no one who think those people are lazy would notice the daily struggle of those people. I hate the arguments like "well I did it all on my own, got a loan and blah blah" or 'well I worked three jobs and managed just barely to stay afloat without using any government help". Okay well that's good for you but that's not how life works for other people. Before I was treated and diagnosed I had a very bad habit of quitting jobs. I couldn't take them or they would bother me or make me depressed and I would just quit. See ya later. Even with school sometimes I need to take a day off of classes because I am having a hard time dealing that day. That doesn't make me lazy, nor does it make me a person that uses others. It makes me someone that is mentally ill and struggling. If you were poor and able to keep afloat working minimum wage jobs without the use of government help well good for you, but it's okay to ask for help, that is why those systems were built. I think pride is one of the reasons many actually don't take advantage of systems that help you get assistance, or free health coverage, or whatever. But all those kinds of sayings put a stigma on the homeless man sitting in front of the gas station who does not know what is really happening, or does but doesn't know how to fix it because his mind works differently. It puts a stigma on people like me, someone who is pretty productive but has serious lapses in her mental well-being, and that yes will use assistance and free health benefits because I literally cannot work three jobs mentally or physically, nor can I deal with not having medical treatment.

When people hear me speak so adamantly about mental illness some get sick of it, or don't care, or think it is ridiculous, and others actually take something away from it. I speak allowed because I am sick of being treated like I am less than. Doctors have been known to speak in a way that makes me think they believe I am incompetent or have the intelligence of a 15 year old. No not any doctor I see now but there was one in particular and I ended up cussing him out and storming out. People have heard I am mentally ill, or even very close people has used it to try and attack me. Being looked at like you are 'dumb' because you deal with something so exhausting and daunting is quite frustrating. And more people need to learn how to cope themselves with having a child that is mentally ill, a wife or husband that is mentally ill (or has a break and becomes severely mentally ill), and general people need to have more awareness about what we go through. Our day is not like your day- we think differently, react differently, analyze differently, become affected by words and acts differently. My view on life is much different than those I know who are not dealing with mental disorders. My outlook can be very dark sometimes but other times it is more like an obstacle course that I am planning. I get overwhelmed easily but I use it to teach me. I can become very frustrated and agitated but it's not something I intentionally do. I become stricken with panic and start flipping out but I don't need anyone pointing or staring or making fun of me, I need someone to comfort me and tell me it's okay. A simple hug that gives a person security during a panic attack goes a long way. I am not less than just because my brain is different than yours. My intelligence may even be much higher than yours so that stigma is just a sad way to say I don't know anything about mental illness so instead of asking what that means I make fun of you or get scared by it, or sickened by it because 'you're different'.

I am bringing this all up because it hurts. Today I felt a ping of it and it felt that me even saying I deal with bipolar disorder made some people feel uncomfortable. Is it that big of a deal? You don't have to deal with me being bipolar, and you certainly don't need to feel uncomfortable that I am open about my issues. I am a person just like you. I am a very open person that feels hiding behind a mask will no longer suffice and introducing myself to the world as I really am is much more appropriate and freeing. For the longest time only a few people knew I had panic attacks, and even fewer knew I was bipolar, unless someone else told other people. I don't know that I was embarrassed but I know at one point I did not want to believe it. I saw my uncle struggle with mental illness and I didn't want to become that way. Not knowing what was real, and feeling disoriented. I eventually came to realize that my mental illness is different than his and while I may still endure some things that he did, my experience will be different. I do in fact deal with bouts of feeling disconnected and disoriented from the world. But rather than letting it scare me like I was I have come to find a way to cope. I let it happen and take everything in as a dream, or as an observer watching myself. It can still be frightening and it is due to my extreme anxiety but it is part of who I am. I am no longer scared of how this will turn out as I age. If I start to become paranoid, or hear things or see things that aren't there well I will just deal with it. I will go on living just as Gregor did. Even if the closes treat me like a burden (which I cannot believe they ever would) I would just keep going, doing what I could and making it matter to me. I have come to the conclusion that there are some things you just can't change and those things make you who you are; they can either make you into a spectacular, unique, mindful, and creatively articulate person, or can leave you in a state of mind that is not particularly nice, that makes you feel like you are drowning beneath your mind, and no matter what your abilities are becoming oppressed. By accepting yourself you can use the different way your mind works for new purposes. Creatively writing about your experiences, blogging, using it to make beautiful art, to write wonderful philosophy, to capture photos of things most don't spot, or simply becoming a very compassionate and kind person. Do not let anything stigmatize you. A person who discriminates or tries to make you feel uncomfortable for who you are, or stigmatizes mental illness is a person who lacks understanding, and knowledge.

Thank you for reading my vent of the day. Another novel I know. Please feel free to comment and add your stories.

Lea Silva