Get free from Insecurity-Dissolution from neglect

Unfortunately most time when you are breaking up with someone or divorcing someone rumors are spread and usually by the guilty party. I heard my soon to be ex-husband told his friends I cheated, which is the furthest thing from the truth! His friend ran into my eldest sister and said oh I heard she fooled around behind his back, so of course my loving sister set him straight and his friend said that it makes more sense that Nathan would cheat on me! That's his friend saying this so clearly we know my ex has a bad reputation. You know when we first started dating I heard he had a wondering eye and was a player but he had me fooled. I honestly believe that sometimes when you are not medicated you can't see through the BS. Also we got pregnant by accident two months into our relationship and lost the baby so of course we bonded. However, I feel after the second lost pregnancy he changed and became that guy I didn't know. He became more distant and was never on the same page.

I know that I never loved him like an in-love wife should after we were married and we lost that pregnancy and he started acting distant. I couldn't. I felt abandoned in a rough situation. You know we always want to seem like an angel in our past relationships but I am not going to lie. I had my break downs as a mentally ill person were I would get really really angry and we would fight. I don't and never will deny that. I really cannot control it like most non mentally ill people think. I cycle rapidly and sometimes my mind goes to distant places and turns on me. Yet he knew I was mentally ill and took vows that he would be there through it all. I had wished that we would have waited to get married after he started being more and more distant. We would have our days where it seemed like he was who I first met but then it would change back to the distancing. It made me very insecure. Before I found out the bad news on May 6th this year we hadn't had sex in two months. Now I know it's because he had found something else (someone else) to play with. I had asked if he was seeing someone else and he lied to me. I don't miss him much to be honest because he felt like a roommate more than a husband. He put a status up blaming me for his weight gain, stress, gray hairs, and high blood pressure. I am not the cause of those things. He sat for hours upon hours playing video games and snacking on bad food and once when I told him that he wasn't eating great he of course wanted to deny it, and then blamed it on me for making meals that made him fat. You know I ate it and didn't gain much weight over the last two years (I gained 5 pounds from being injured and from pregnancies) but I portioned my food I cannot help if he ate badly that is his choice not mine. I didn't make him sit on his ass all day and play video games I actually tried encouraging him to do other things or to take me out to have fun and he was always negative about it.

We would get in arguments because I felt extremely neglected because most of his extra time went to playing video games. Now I know why. He didn't care to have me anymore so instead of being a husband he distanced himself and become what he was. A person that took no responsibility for what was happening to him, clearly since he blasted to the world it was my fault. He also blamed his mom because she would by snacks that weren't healthy. She never forced it down his throat he just ate it. He stopped working out because of bad acid reflux and that is not my fault. If he was stressed it was because HE was unhappy and didn't have the courage to just tell me that he didn't want to be married anymore. I knew the last few months he didn't because of the way he was acting and talking to me. He made me feel like I didn't matter anymore and only his problems were important. I showed I cared when he was not feeling well. I bought things to try to help him feel better, or help him study better for his tests and it seems to have gone unnoticed. As for his gray hair, I didn't make that happen. He was clearly unhappy and didn't take his vows seriously, messed around behind my back, and kept HIMSELF in a relationship he didn't want to commit to plus HE was having trouble in school not me. So any of those things could cause him stress.

Yes we started arguing a lot the last several months of our relationship because it felt like he was not there nor did he care. I am very emotional at points in time and it hurt me to be not worth his time when he was married to me and he made that choice. The only reason I was kind or kept trying to work on things was because I had integrity and had known I had made vows even though I wished I hadn't when I realized our marriage was only because of a short lived bond over a pregnancy. My mom has the theory that my lack of ability to carry pregnancies become unattractive and that is one of the reasons he had no want for me anymore. That's fine. I don't want to be with someone who cannot accept who I am. I did a lot. I did my duties as a roommate and wife. I paid for a lot. We did not go on many dates and sometimes when we did it would just be Dutch (which was a lot).

I guess I am hurt because I feel that while I still tried to be a good person, even if I did have flaws, he didn't care and made that clear and is not airing dirty laundry that is very personal and shouldn't be told to the whole world. If I didn't already get disrespected enough by him being dishonest, and being neglectful during our marriage I now get disrespected by him telling lies. You know how about you just say it didn't work out and we weren't happy if you cannot man up for what you did. I feel insecure because I felt worthless in that relationship. Some blame should be on me for not being completely honest about how unhappy I was and how I really didn't want to keep that marriage because it wasn't healthy nor happy. I guess I felt that if I did that I failed somehow but now I know that it wouldn't have been that. It would have been me standing up for what I wanted and deserved. I don't deserve to stay in a neglectful unhappy marriage where my husband feels like a roommate and has become some self absorbed stranger who cared overtly more about anything having to do with him than with me.

I feel that he is incapable of really taking responsibility for much of his actions. He chose not to ride, workout, be in the marriage, be honest, get off the video games, respect me as a person he at least once kind of loved and as someone who wanted something else. I feel he had manipulated me in the past which started arguments with my mom and sister and I was not medicated and became vulnerable because I would be paranoid or easily made to feel everyone was against me. I truly believe he took advantage of that and knew what he was doing. He would have conversations with me and make me feel like I was always the one that was doing something wrong by being mentally ill, and the things he would say about me not working out were not okay. He wouldn't take the time to understand how serious my hip issue was and kept on about how I needed to workout. I have a feeling he wanted me to be much thinner and that's the only reason he said that kind of stuff. You don't tell people things like that when they are very injured, can't help it, and feel a lot of pain with too much exercise or walking and I have a hard time figuring out how much is too much and what is a trigger for my hip. My back is all sorts of messed up and he has no clue about that either. No one will truly understand what I feel everyday. It is extremely uncomfortable and painful. I found out that my hip has a tear because I was born with dysplasia of the hip- the femoral neck has a rigid and straight neck to the femoral head which causes pain, tenderness, tendonitis, inflamed bursitis, and will cause tears to happen. I also have a shallow socket which explains why my hip easily slides out of socket. Now who would really tell someone in that situation the pain is all in your head, or you need to learn to just deal with it, and you need to workout way more even though I have serious limitations now. It just gets worse (my hip and back). I will need a major surgery that will reshape my bone and fix tears in my hip and clear out debris. Yet he wanted me to be overly concerned about his acid reflux and hiatal hernia which honestly can be taken care of with the right medicine. I cared that he was feeling pain from it, but I get acid reflux from my meds and I don't make a big deal about it. I don't make a big deal about my hip and whine all day and I put up with a lot of not caring and being 'over it' from him. He used to help me up, he used to give me his arm so I could sit up and he stopped doing that awhile ago. Sometimes he would push me up by the butt but that actually hurt my hip but he would have no idea since he didn't understand where my pain was or anything about it.

I guess I need to get this all out because I am aggregated not just at him but at myself. How dare I let myself deal with that BS. I should have stood up and said this is not okay, we are not okay, you are unwilling to work on things, you cannot stand me arguing because I want affection, this is no longer a marriage but a living around each other situation where I feel under appreciated for all I have done. I should have spoke the truth a long time ago about something I have now spoke up about to someone, but I didn't. I don't think right when I am going through episodes and depression, and I can thank Nathan for making me go get help when all I wished for was death, and a want to have died with my baby. But we were not good. He was never the one I should have married. He was never THE ONE. He was never someone I was deeply in love with because he was not and is not the love of my life. He just isn't. He can't be. We did have a bond after that first pregnancy but that shouldn't have led me to marry him but it did. I felt a lot of pain mentally and physically and I don't know if I thought that marriage was a good way to get through it, or that it would all work out but I should have known. When we were coming up to the wedding date I kept feeling if we hadn't gotten pregnant we wouldn't have lasted. I should have been honest with myself and others a long time ago and I am woman-ing up and saying that that was my mistake.

Further, I have felt so worthless because of how he didn't want to give me affection, respect, love, or really understanding. I have felt so down about myself because of certain things he had said, things he didn't do, and things he just didn't want to do, making it a chore to touch me, getting irritated and saying he hated that I would bother him to rub my back when he only wanted to caress my back for a minute (who says that?), that now it is taking me some time to feel like myself again. I felt that I was inhibited and didn't act like who I am at the core anymore because I felt so worthless. It felt like him not caring meant that I didn't have any value to him. Him getting so mad over me getting upset at how much time he spent sitting in that dang chair playing those games while I was going through some serious shit showed me what meant more to him- himself and his wants. Now it is easy to say goodbye. It is easy to accept this divorce. It is getting easy to accept love that feels so foreign to me, friends taking me out to feel special, my family showing they have my back and supporting me, and all the appreciation I have for it shows how little I was feeling it for the last year and a half. I shouldn't have dealt with that. It's not all on him I should have been honest and told him I didn't want it anymore but I was too proud because I had made those damn vows and didn't want to feel a loss in integrity. But that's just me. I am that kind of person. I stay true to my word. I am kind. I am beautiful even if I am five pounds heavier, I am extremely intelligent and cannot be fooled by dumb lies and while I had been underappreciated and manipulated now I am becoming empowered again. I feel insecure at times but now thanks to all his neglect and dislike and feeling of me not being worth much I feel like I know what I want and it ain't him. It never was. He made it easy to let go. But I am rebuilding myself one step at a time. I will prosper. And Karma will be in my favor.

Thanks for reading my novel.

Lea