The Worst Tragedies In Life Me As A Woman Went Through

Advisory: This post may be a bit long and if you appreciate hearing about the bad things that have occurred to others or you may need to find some support for read on my friends.

Some days are generally just harder than others. You can control yourself and show no outward signs of distress but internally there is a war. You do not always know why this war has erupted or why a certain thing has been triggered.

A lot of the time my trigger is the pregnancies I have lost. Something happens to you when you have gotten pregnant, been happy, so very happy, about it and then lost them. Forever are the memories of the physical pain that you felt when they were dying inside of you and when you almost died with them. The loss of energy, the sharp stabbing throbs from inside the womb letting you know you were literally feeling death inside you. Every time this happens in your brain, and it will over and over and over again, it brings tears to your eyes. 

I can remember my whaling when I knew. I just knew because I could feel it. I could feel my baby die. It is one of the worst things you could go through. I have been through a lot and I think it is why I have the serious triggers I do. I can tell you, but I will not describe it to you, I am still not ready, that I have been raped. I thought that was the worst thing to happen to me. I thought it had destroyed me for the longest time. I still to this day do not go out that much, or at least not alone because I do not trust many people. That affected me so deeply that I do not have many friends due to the circumstances of my abuse. I just simply do not trust many people. You should feel some honor if I have let you into my little circle of life I hold dear to me. I would only plead you don't destroy it. At any rate, losing those pregnancies was worse.

It may sound dumb to some people because they know women lose pregnancies all the time. Yet when you say women lose their babies all the time rather than they lose pregnancies it doesn't seem so cut and dry. It does not seem like oh she is simply 1 in 4 women. I LOST MY BABIES is what we want to cry out. It wasn't just a pregnancy it was our flesh and blood. It was our children we lost. Most of us never got to meet the children we lost. Regardless of your stand of whether life is sacred, if abortion is okay or not, if a fetus should have rights, when it happens to you, when you lose your pregnancy, no matter how far along you are you lost your child. I do not think I have ever written this thorough on the subject but I guess today is the day and I am not even sure why. Maybe because around this time two years in a row I had become pregnant. Maybe because I am sick of seeing women who lost their children, unborn or born babies, infants, toddlers, adult children whatever, as a statistic that stings every time. Or maybe it's a trigger from seeing so many murder and sexual abuse cases about children lately that it has triggered this. Or maybe, and this is definitely possible I see my two sisters with their children and sometimes it pulls those memories back to me.

Either way the triggers are there. Reminding you what you lost. I know there are many of us who lost our marriages or relationships along with those babies/children. Something was lost when that happened. At one point a bond was made for some of us. A tight bond with our lovers we never thought could be untied and then one day it fell to pieces. Losing the relationship is hard. It will never be easy especially if you were married and it takes time to repair yourself and for some of us longer because of circumstances in which it all ended. But you had already lost a part of yourself with those pregnancies and gained something new as well. Something changed internally, at least for me. Things I had thought were so important, so in my face, and so always there became nothing to me. I realized I had a dark tint on my eyes not letting me see the most vital things in life. So while to most I may seem like a very introverted loner, which I am totally, and I may even seem callous sometimes or shy, really things that are outside, like binge drinking or partying all the time or whatever thing I made more important than those things around me are now so futile and silly that I just let myself relax and take time to live. I gained an insight when I lost part of myself that not many people get or they do not accept. There is a way to be comfortable in the world without following everything everyone else does, or doing what you think you should be doing based on what has been spoon fed to you based on your society and culture. I even became more welcoming and satisfied with the way my appearance was. And I can tell you that was never true before. 

I can also tell you before losing those babies I was sometimes a wreck. Being raped can leave you feeling worthless about yourself. You may feel guilty for numerous reasons, disgusting, alone in a world filled with billions, suffering, and so so very blue. This can take over. It will destroy you if you do not get control of it. I would binge my way through life not giving any care for myself besides who I was around. I would drink until I couldn't remember. For the longest time I didn't, well I wouldn't talk about what happened to me or my response to it. I simply did not want anyone to know how vulnerable I was, or how vulnerable I made myself is really how I saw, and sometimes still do. Something clicked in my head though when I lost those pregnancies. Something told me that no matter what you are vulnerable and it is not a perfect thing but there is not much you can do. Your body will deceive you. It will hurt you and it will fail sometimes. Life will always do this to you. Because of this you need to realize what is truly important to you. Is it drinking all the time to rid yourself of your issues, or for some drugs? Is having a million and one friends truly important when you know that only a few are really going to be there always? Is it worth it to not love yourself? NO. It simply isn't. There are so many people who could read this and would be the ones to brush it off and not think twice about what they truly want in life. But I am not going to worry about them. They will either figure it out or simply will not.

I can say this though- having people who show you love, care, kindness, affection, happiness, hilariousness, sincerity, and true friendship (which is definitely also in romantic relationships) is where it is at. We can have great jobs, enough money to eat the greatest foods and wear the best clothes and drive the nicest cares but if you don't have sincerely loving people to enjoy it with it is worth nothing. If you do not simply have sincere and honest people around you who would be there always then your life is missing the crucial piece. We all need to love ourselves thoroughly and it can be so hard, and even harder to realize making BIG mistakes can just be a part of life that makes you better if you are good, but having those around you who are willing to help you realize that, or help pick up those broken pieces, or be the loving humorous friend who is just the person that accepts you for who you are you will feel alone and lost. 

I do not know if life ever gets easier for anyone. I doubt it. Even if you are rich and can pay for your problems to be solved more will arise. Remembering what is truly good for you what is wonderful in life is a gift. The pain I have endured throughout my life has not been easy. It in fact has been extremely challenging and it has negatively affected me in many ways. I still have these days were life seems helpless and I am down from what I have lost, or imagining what my life would be like with the babies I lost, even without my ex husband, and what kind of person I would be without those loses and without the rape. Death has occurred a lot in my life as well and I always wonder what if when it comes to them and it drags me into weird places that can be so depressing it is like having your mind locked in a dark damp disgusting cellar. But then, when all those tragedies build up and make life feel terrible, or like I am terrible, I remember they all made me who I am today.

I am humble to those who have donated to me to get me through rough patches, who have been by my side even when I seemed off my rocker, and simply just accepted me as a flawed, bipolar maniac at times and still loved me. While I would wish those things on no one and I would choose never to have to feel death inside me, or my own death looming, or being sexually abused in such a nasty way, it has made me stronger. It has made me courageous, honest, loving, caring, empathetic, affectionate, intelligent, introverted in just the right way for me, a non-alcoholic, a person wiling to give attention when you call upon me. It has also made me weird. It has made me find it necessary to find humor in small things and be a goof whenever I feel. It has caused some negative things- I sometimes am a hermit and do not want to associate with too many people in one day because for me it can be devastatingly exhausting, it has made me prone to social anxiety and even working anxiety, and has made me scared to ever want to get pregnant again or fall in love so deeply I make myself supremely vulnerable. Those things though are workable. Those things people who know me can understand why I do them. But the good things all people don't have or aren't willing to be. I am someone who experiences manic and mania and can accept the crazy in people and I usually gravitate towards it but others cannot do that or refuse to try and understand how to be there for you when you get that way but I have it because of all those tragedies in my life. So even when you feel lost in this world, alone, depressed, even suicidal think about how those negative awful things have made you somehow better or wiser because they have. Tragedies give us something we didn't have before while taking away a small part of us with them and that's OKAY. 


If you really read this whole post I thank you for being so generous with your time and hope I educated you, helped you, or at least somehow entertained you for the few minutes you had to read. 

Lea

The Never Understood

Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs "CAN YOU PLEASE GIVE ME ONE BREAK AND FOR ONE SECOND JUST TRY AND UNDERSTAND". I want to say that to a lot of people that have been or are in my life. It is not a choice to be mentally ill. It is NOT a choice.  At the current moment I am going through a manic-depressive episode. It is not fun for me at all. You get a nagging nagging nagging in your head all day about all sorts of things that may seem minuscule to some or may seem dangerously dark. It's simply what happens when I go through these episodes. I have NO control over it. I can try and calm myself, try and find things to do to keep me from wanting to just die, try and find people that are willing to try and understand, try and get the people or person I want to be there for me to help me but that doesn't mean any of this ever works or that I can ever get anyone to just be there. How do you tell someone "I am trying to reach out to you, and I need you" and actually get them to want to be there. It is no offense to anyone else when I specifically want a certain person or persons but at the same time I cannot make those people be there for me. Some people do not get it or don't want to and I cannot make them.

How do you deal with something you do not understand or do not wish to understand? I do not know that you can. I wish everyone just could. Even if they felt what I felt for one minute then maybe it would give them greater insight. How I wish I could do that for some people. 

When I am manic there are times when I can explode into a frustrated ball of madness, or times where I just get super upset and have a breakdown, and other times where I am just irritable or depressed. I am not always like this so I would hope those who love me could just be there for me when I get like this but again I cannot force anyone to do anything nor can I get them to understand. Sometimes I feel punished for these 'outbursts' and I do not feel that it is okay. I cannot help it. I cannot stop it. There is usually a trigger and that should be paid attention to not ignored and I never said anyone could not be mad that I get this way but a little empathy and compassion would not hurt. I cannot expect anyone to do anything ever. I couldn't even expect my ex-husband to 'deal' with me as he put it. He knew what and who I was and still wasn't willing to take a deeper look at the situation and try and understand. Some people aren't. I do not know that I can blame them for it either because who wants to deal with someone like me. I seem irrational to most people and my emotions can be so overpowering that most people just think 'oh she is overreacting'. But to me I'm not. To me that is how it works. That is how my brain works. I do not constantly question why so called 'normal' people (or people who aren't mentally ill) do not think my way. They just don't. 

I am always feeling judged. I always feel like people, even people I love, look at me and just think sometimes 'she is too much'. But too much what? I will never know how to explain what I go through. How my brain works or why I do or did what I did. It isn't really a possibility. Words are not enough. I can put words in tons of different orders and still I feel people do not understand. I do feel many other mentally ill people or bipolar people can understand but that is because they know what it is like to have a brain that literally works and is formed differently. There is evidence of that and evidence that in our genes and DNA we are different. Our emotional centers take over. If that takes over so much, so powerfully that what we see in reasoning normally is not the same at the time of the emotional override. I am not downgrading emotions here. They are useful resources for us. They help us build are moral values and ethical systems but that does not mean they cannot be destructive too. Our reasoning can be destructive. Over reasoning can be an awful thing. But when an emotional override happens (I am going to use those terms because it is probably the easiest way to explain this even though it doesn't really cover all) it's like a link in the chain has been broken. Something happens. Something detrimental happens. 

From personal experience I know that I can go from feeling great and happy to enraged within seconds. One trigger and then all the sudden everything in the world is on fire in my eyes. Nothing matters except getting the rage out. If I do not get it out it will linger and most likely turn worse or into something worse and more dangerous. How I get this rage out depends on the situation. In my past whoever was closest got hit with it, especially if they were the trigger. Through therapy I have worked to not do that. At least not as much as I used to or as harshly. I have learned to recognize this happening and to try and leave the situation or room. Sometimes I have to throw things (unbreakable things now), scream, rip something up, hit something (I have broken fingers and toes from this but it still helps) or let it gather until I collapse from the exhaustion it causes and cry. It seems weird and terrifying to others. It seems crazy. So try and imagine how I feel.

That is not the only thing that happens though. I can also be triggered into being dangerously upset or sad or depressed. When this happens I will snap and have a breakdown. It may be one that causes me to say hasty hostile things, irrational things, depressing things like "I want to just die" or "I wish no one had to deal with me ever again" etc. These moments are especially hard for me. I have no control. I have none. What can I do. I can walk out of the room or turn my phone off but that doesn't always work or sometimes I cannot push myself to do it. And if it is a depressive mood me being alone is probably not wise. I have sedated myself before. I have never admitted that out loud to anyone except my boyfriend. I couldn't take it. No one was there and I didn't care. I wanted to be gone from the world. I sedated myself and slept for days. I woke up here and there to go to the bathroom or get some water but that was it. When my ex-husband finally came around to asking me what was wrong or if I was feeling well I just said I was sick and he took me at my word. Which is fine. What else could he have done. But during these times I am needy. I need help. I need love. I need empathy. I need unconditional friendship. I need someone to be there without judging me. When I get like this it is harder to explain than the rage. I do not know where to even start!

Something happens maybe, or maybe I am just in a bad episode. Either way I start to feel this dread come over me. This violation of my happiness occurs. The darkness starts to roll in and fog all the good out of my mind so all I see is the sadness, or the bad, or the worthlessness of myself. It is horrifying to experience. I cannot speak for other mentally ill people but I know that a lot of time this makes me hate myself. I dwell on all those little things I have ever done, or all the bad things happening and cannot understand why I am even here. Why anyone wants to deal with me or be my friend. Why I even want to be here. That is how awful it feels. And I do not want some pity party. This is not a woe is me. This is just part of me that I am trying to explain. Sometimes I push during these times. Sometimes I push people away from me because I do not know why they even want to be around me or be my friend or love me because I think I am awful in those moments. There are also moments were I push because I consider killing myself. If I am going to I do not want anyone liking me because then they would be upset. Yes, I know this sounds crazy to a lot of you but it is just how it works for my brain sometimes. Of course I know I can push all I want but the people who really love me will still be there. When the darkness falls in my mind and all is consumed all I can see is the black. The detrimental black. I see things or notice things that most others probably would not or get bothered by things most people wouldn't get bothered by. When this happens a lot can set me off. A stressful moment, some bad news that probably isn't that bad, having something not go my way when I really wanted it to, having a feeling that someone I love is being distant (this may not really be the case but I see it that way which only aggravates the depression and makes me think "See I am not worth anything"), or I could feel that things are just crumbling around me when really they may not be. But if I get hit by something like that then I will have a break down of some sort. It may be that I just collapse crying, roll up in a fetal position and cry, stare at things that could kill me, freak out beyond recognition to where someone will have to forcefully embrace me to calm me, or I could fight with you. Not physically but vocally. I may start a fight over something that seems really dumb or over something out of our control but it just happens. I have no idea why. I will never be able to tell any of you why this is happening. The only thing I can do is apologize if I hurt your feelings because I said something nasty or something I didn't mean, or for making you feel like I am just a bundle of dread. I hate that. I am always worried I will be left behind because most reflect back on those bad moments where it is just bad. Where the mental illness is just dark and depressing. But that isn't all me. So when these things happen I just need understanding. That doesn't mean anyone has to actually totally understand what I go through it means I need that person to take a minute to realize that what is happening to me is not controllable and that I need to just calm down and whatever I say needs to be taken with a grain of salt. I don't mean most of it when I am fighting. Somethings I do because there are things that upset me and I will say them but other things are just me blowing out the steam. I always apologize or try and make up for it though. Always. 

There are some people who will tell me I have no reason to apologize for things I cannot control but I feel like I do. I shouldn't say those things and while I feel there isn't much control beyond where I have come to now in my life that I have hurt someone and need to make it right. If I am crying all day I do not apologize for that. Sometimes that needs to happen. If I am stuck in bed all day I do not apologize for being gloomy just as I would not expect a depressed person to apologize for being depressed. However, I do when I know I have overreacted in a way that hurt someone or upset them. Forgiveness is needed though and that is the understanding I am looking for in those moments. Trust me I punish myself quiet a bit for having those moments. I already feel awful about myself and when I cannot control my ridiculous temper or emotions it makes it even harder for me. So please, to all my friends and family, give me some slack sometimes (most of you do). When I ask for help please just help. When I need to just bitch and I raise my voice know I am not yelling at you but the world. When I say I want to be left alone it is not personal which is why I understand when others tell me they need to be alone. Usually though I do not want to be alone for long because I know it is not that healthy for me. It can make me worse so sometimes I need to be forced to be put into an environment with another person. Even if it's just watching movies with mom or Shawn or my little sister or calling my older sister. I just can't be left to my own devices for too long. Or it get's worse.

Getting help is sometimes hard too. I may want to see a therapist at this moment but actually getting to talk to one takes a long time. You need an intake interview and then eventually, after weeks, you may finally get to see someone who will actually listen and be someone you feel comfortable with. I have despised most of the therapists I have had accept one. However, she still didn't seem to take some of the things I said into consideration or was very unresponsive to the help I needed. So sometimes I just need a loved one there instead. Please never give up on me.

I need to bring up also that I have other episodes. I have mania sometimes. These modes can be hard to deal with too because I get wired and high on neurotransmitters and hormones. I am UP UP UP. I am through the roof with energy and I can stay up all night for days in a row. I want to just do stuff and can be aggressive, and sometimes hostile but I just need to GO. For many this can be quiet annoying. I sing a lot and I goof around too much and I have a hard time being serious. And if this high get's ruined I get agitated.  This kind of episode is harder to explain and hard to control. I have no real way of coming down. I have meds but as I said in the last post I stopped taking them because I was worse on them than off. I need to find activities during these times. Tons. Or I need to be socializing or working. But have faith that these episodes for me last a lot less longer than the manic-depressive ones.

And then for most of the time you get me. I am still different. I am still very sensitive and emotional. I am still needy and I know no one in the world could possibly give me all I want because I want everything. But I do not know that is always a flaw. I feel when I love you in any form my neediness comes in hand. I am more generous than most because I want to be there for you. I want to be around people I love. Sometimes it is only a specific few or maybe just one person but that means I am there always for you for whatever. I may be sensitive but for me this gives me an edge most don't have. I can pick up on things most can't. I can find the small details that matter but are hard to find. I can see logic where some can't and I can find solutions where others may not see one. My emotional state is usually high but that makes me empathetic to others. I am humble and very generous. I will be there for you whenever you need me because I, emotionally, can understand what it is like to need help, or a shoulder to cry on, or a hug, or whatever. So being bipolar is not always bad. It makes me a perceptive, interesting, and loving person. If you can handle my episodes than you also get a kind friend on the more normal basis. I have made mistakes and will make more but that doesn't mean I won't make up for them. I am never going to be perfect or ideal. I will be that woman most think is just off her rocker but that is ok. I have accepted that this is me and I would only hope those who love me or are friends with me would be accepting too!

Now my last point. I need to get this off my chest. Someone young I know, and I am not naming them here because that is not my place, is not doing well mentally. She is having issues that are deep. I know those feelings and the hardship it causes on one's self esteem. I know that it hurts so badly that you will do anything to try and make it stop. Considering suicide is usually one of the key answers to this type of pain. I am fortunate enough to have convinced myself of ways to not do it or to talk myself out of it. I imagine my mother's face finding me dead. I cry every time I imagine it. I am literally tearing up right now. I know what it would do to her and I can't handle it. I know she is strong but that would devastate her. I have never been to the point, obviously, where my internal pain overrides this caring for my mother's devastation and I hope I never get there. I know my whole family would be upset but what always does it is seeing mom's face. This young lady I am talking about though, I do not think she has that. She does not have that thing yet to tell her NO this will do something you do not want to happen. I see the pain in her and I empathize so deeply. She has been committed now for fear she would kill herself or try. She has been doing self harm and doing inappropriate things. I honestly believe she is trying to say something without saying it but I do not know what exactly yet. Of course she wants to call for help but won't directly do it. It took me a long time to actually admit when I needed it. But I think there is something else. She is clearly feeling insecure which is shown by her actions and she is acting out of control for a reason. What she needs is understanding which she has by most-maybe not her peers but by her loved ones. However, without the correct hope she is going to push it too far one day. One day it could severely harm her. One day if she does not cooperate she could lose a lot of the things and people she has. So I feel since I can empathize deeply I need to find a way for her to reach to me. I do not know exactly how but I will find a way. This is affecting me deeply. I am already going through an episode but with this on top of it and my grandma's (who is no longer here) birthday being yesterday I feel dark. I feel lost. I feel alone. I am worried and stressed and I need to release it somehow. I need someone, someone specific. But I cannot control that that someone be there. I just wish I could take all her pain away so she could just enjoy her beautiful life. I wish I knew how to get her to realize that the feeling of self-loathing isn't always there and sometimes you get a break and realize you are worth it. If you can find the good in you, the things that make you special then you can get through your harder moments of believing you are not worth anything. I will find a way to show her this. I will. I cannot find her dead one day. I cannot get that call. I have to find a way.

Please pass awareness out about mentally ill people. Be understanding and try, even when it is hard, to empathize and give them a chance. It can be hard to tolerate. It can be difficult to deal with someone going through these things but never give up. That in itself can make that person fall from where they finally got to back to a worse time. I know it is hard and sometimes walking away from me or anyone like me seems like a better and easier bet but remember that those people are hurting. They have an internal pain that is hard to understand and is pretty uncontrollable. Of course there are ways to get better at dealing with it and we try, I believe most of us try really hard to cope and deal with it. I know I have worked extremely hard and always will. But bringing awareness to the problem is something everyone can do. Helping people get educated on what these mental illnesses do to people can bring the mentally ill more ease of access to help or at least to more helping friends and family. You can be aggravated at them, mad at them, upset with them, but just remember that they are not like you and never will be. They cannot control a lot of their feelings and it affects them deeply. Just spread some love.



Lea

The BIPOLAR bear is misunderstood. Can I say ANYTHING? I need help

Once in awhile, in the middle of the night, I wake up and do not know where I am. I simply think I have been awakened from some coma of life and now, just like that, everything changed just by opening my eyes. That is terrifying sometimes. Maybe it's because I do not know who I am so I do not know where I am in my own life. Can you imagine? Of course, well probably, because I assume that a lot of people feel this way. 

Is it hard being honest with yourself? I think so, at least sometimes. Maybe even most times. Look at the sky and the universe. How is my little existence even important. Especially when my species ruins everything, and I mean everything. Our emotions can be so out of control that we destroy things within a few measly words. How insane is that! So why does that happen? I don't get it. What difference does it even make? Why then should we say anything? If I say why I am upset to someone since I no longer am willing to keep my feelings inside and hide in some mask that says "I swear I am normal", why does that automatically mean that the person will be defensive? Now of course we are all that way, well most of us. It is our human nature. I get upset like that too. We are mad we hurt someone. So we find a way to make that person feel hurt because they just hurt us by their honesty and this is called the defense. 

Why can we not simply handle the fact that we upset someone? I mean even if they are upset and it seems so silly to us or not worth it, why do we get so upset? Because if the tables were turned we would be aggravated that they were getting upset with us for being defensive. So why do we even do it. Yeah human nature and all but don't we have a mind that we can use to calm ourselves and think rationally for one moment without assuming that person is trying to change us, or annoy us, or only get what they want, or the always "why can't they just get me" defense?

I would like to think so since I have met so many people that are so much calmer than me and not too much seems to get them defensive. Now do not get me wrong, there are times when someone is upset because they do not understand and so it does seem silly to us, or they are upset over something that seems ludicrous- like "Oh I went out with my friends and now your upset at me?" or "I didn't do this task exactly as you do it so now your mad and think i am an idiot?". That happens. But if we dig deeper do we see maybe why a person feels that way? 

Not communicating can be a trigger of course. That is usually always mine. I HATE IT when a person refuses to tell me anything. It drives me mad. If that person could say why they can't tell me at that moment i.e. "I am angry and I do NOT want to discuss this. I promise I will talk when the time is right", that would be okay. Not everyone is like me so other people have their triggers for the so called ludicrous upsets above. I always wonder what is in that person's past or what is going on a little deeper that they feel that way. I cannot say I am a saint and ask that question in the middle of one of those kinds of arguments, nor can I say I even ask myself "why do I REALLY feel this way" because I am just upset at that moment. 

We all have those moments right? But what do you do?

I have held so much stuff in in the past that I simply refuse to not be honest. I do not care how crazy it sounds, how annoying it may be, or whatever, because me getting it out is the only way my brain can then function on a 'normal' level. I also think that when someone states "I never complain about you, I just like who YOU are" they are just not being honest. There is always SOMETHING that is annoying to that person. Me being honest and outright is usually the case because I am not always elegant in the way I word things or how I present them or my timing. Especially my timing. I just say it. I say it. I do not need to think about it because if I do then I will probably end up just holding it in instead. That is NOT okay.

However, what sucks is that people want honesty, or at least they say so, or they say they care, but when you say what is hurting you, making you angry, sad, happy even then somehow it turns on you. What you just said can now hurt them. You are upset and now because of that they are now hurt in return. Like I said above this happens. I believe this reaction is due to not wanting to hurt someone you care about but you are then upset you upset them and that person made you know you upset them that it is time to flip it. This is the usual line of action here "Well if you don't like who I am why are you with me?" or "I am not you so I cannot be you" but that isn't what we are ever asking is it? Well maybe for some people I would think that is exactly what they are asking but most I think are not. I am not when I talk. I ask to work on things sure but that does not mean any of those responses. But it's hard. You do things, you say things, you act certain ways and sometimes others do not get it so you get defensive because to you it is like why the hell don't they just leave it be or accept it or get over it. It's not really that simple.

As I said above when the tables turn the one who was frustrated and defensive, who is now upset, is sitting there asking the defensive one "why can't you accept my feelings?" "why can't you try and understand me now?" but did you try to get them when it was reversed?

So is there anything anyone can EVER really say? When someone is upset because of something someone else did or did not do does that mean that they aren't considering the other person, or is it that they both need to consider each other. Stop saying you are trying to do this or you don't realize I am here too and I matter too because that can turn into a reverse where the upset one doesn't matter now because you don't want to hear it. 

So it seems like there is NEVER anything you can say unless that understanding that I just stated is there. But can it ever be? I don't know. All I know is I need communication. That's what I think a lot of people simply want. To know what is happening, why someone did this or that, why someone said this or that, why someone blah blah, you get it. I don't think that takes a lot to do but it seems pretty hard to do at the same time right? 

Forever I hid myself from people. I wouldn't communicate what aggravated me or what was going on in my brain and one day I would get dangerously close to wanting to leave this world. I would find a way to convince myself otherwise because I have people I love. I have things I love. Sometimes even then though it was hard to turn around. To just keep going. I do not know that anyone will ever truly understand how that felt for me. Or what that felt like specifically for me is what I should say. And I don't know that I could ever truly explain it either. Would it matter anyway? Would that suddenly give an epiphany to those who don't get to where, when I speak, they just understand? No. Probably not. 

Now it's truth time for me.

When I say how upset I am or why, or both, I feel constantly that whoever I am talking to, be it my closest family and friends, or distant friends, that I am being judged. CONSTANTLY. My emotional scale varies and I am different thanks to being bipolar. When I feel I FEEL. When I get upset it may not seem right to anyone else how upset I am so I am being judged. I know that I can be looked at like I am CRAZY but I don't believe that is fair. I cannot help the way I feel nor will I hide it anymore. I am this. I simply want to be able to say "this is what is happening inside me, will you communicate with me please so we can get through this so this stops tearing me up inside?" It can be so hard for me to talk in the first place because of this feeling of judgement. I don't know that the people I talk to actually are doing that but I have been judged so harshly and told so many nasty things for trying to be honest that it is ingrained in me. 

Every time I want to say "look this hurt me" I constantly remember how certain someones have looked at me, spoken to me, treated me, when I needed to talk, to be calmed, to be loved, and what I got in return was non-acceptance. I constantly am aware of my flaws. I am NOT perfect. I am NOT close. I am AWFUL sometimes. I can fly off the handle. I can become so angry I break things, and not just typical I have a reason to be angry angry but more like this small thing just happened. It set me off. Now I am raging for barely anything and I have no idea how to stop it. However, I have worked very hard, and I mean very hard, to deal with this. I have had help to train myself to leave the room when this happens. To go let it out with tears or by throwing unbreakable things, or paint, or write. But I have not learned yet to cope with the fact that I get judged sometimes when I speak the truth. This happens with a lot of people. I can be in a class and someone says something so outrageous and ignorant (to me at least) that I argue (argue in the non-fighting way like a philosopher should) but I can get very weird looks because I get so passionate. I'm being judged. Right there. In a class where I am SUPPOSED to argue. 

When you have dealt with people who you thought loved you on some level who have made you feel that you shutting up and being hidden is better and you overcome that, telling how you feel is difficult. Anyone who feels judged ever can, I am sure, attest to that. 

I do not think I have ever truly kept myself open to my own self. When I got divorced I said "I will move past this and it will be okay". I even thought quickly I was okay. I wasn't. And I think this is the first time I have said that to anyone. I am STILL mad. I do not love him. I do not want to have anything to do with him. So much so that I keep getting a hold of his mom to pick the rest of my stuff up and then I never show. I do not want any reminder because I was so hurt. This affects me still. I still have trust issues. I trust many people but that does not mean it is easy. He was not the only one to break my trust. My father broke my trust and I will never forget it. He is dead now. We actually got to talk before he died but I won't ever forget the dagger to my back. I have also abused my trust from others. I cannot deny that. I hurt my sister very badly once and I won't ever forget that moronic move in my life. That still affects me. That still makes me feel guilty. But what is disgusting to me is there are people who are not like me. Who don't feel that kind of remorse for doing something so distrustful and distasteful. They do not care. They cannot even admit it sometimes that they mislead you or betrayed you. Now that sucks a lot. I need honesty. I need communication. I literally need it because otherwise the trust I am trying to recover won't ever be built if I do not have that. And it is not the people's around me fault. It's not. However, I believe that when you love and care that you can do those things for people to help them. To get through things. To help them deal with things that are hard to move past.

I did not want to love the person I am with that is how scared I am of trusting someone. I did not. I avoided him and I tried to not like him and it was impossible for me. Now I cannot imagine him being gone. And maybe, maybe not, he will always be here, or maybe he won't like dealing with me and he simply won't. I don't know.  But I know I let myself trust him. And it wasn't him it was me who had to let myself do that. Now no one has to understand that and some may interpret it like "well if you can't then blah blah" but that is on ME. It is on me to allow the trust to be built. I went through a lot and I need to learn to build trust. I need help though and I cannot deny that. I need always to be honest. And I am. Sometimes probably too frankly but that is how I am. I am socially inept sometimes and I do not know the right way to do it. But I am working on it. And I will always need it in return. I need it with him, my mom, my sisters, my aunt, my friends, etc. I will never lie down and let myself drown again. FOR ANYONE. NEVER. I know though that those people won't let me. I also am not delusional and know if they don't want to deal with it, or deal with me, they don't have to. They can ignore me. Or just leave me be. But I would hope, and feel I know them to the point they wouldn't. 

But I need to tell them something. It's important. And I do not need you judging me.
I am NOT on my meds. I have not been on them in months. They made me foggy, forgetful, unmotivated, and felt like they were hurting me more than helping. I have to take so much stuff to keep my body in check already that those meds made it too much. I wanted to learn to deal with myself. I wanted to learn to always be honest. To deal with me overreacting sometimes. To being overly depressed sometimes. I wanted to feel again. I just did. Those meds were good when I went through what I did last year. I was scared to go off of them because everyone will tell you not to and you always need them. But I want to feel. Those meds stopped me. I didn't need to be honest, I didn't need to hide, because those meds took all of it away. ALL OF IT and not in a good way. Things started to seem so pointless to me. They seemed awful, boring, and dull. I was getting angry because of this. They did a reverse on me. But I withdrew from them and all the sudden there was life, not a dull background mundane non-existence. I am sorry if this makes me more emotional and perhaps harder to deal with but I need to feel things. I need to see things in my perspective not some drugs perspective. I need to be able to read and remember. Learn and enjoy. Love and feel it. 

If you don't want to handle me being emotional I never asked you to do it against your will. If you don't want to listen to me I never asked you to do it against your will.
If you don't want to hang in there with me while I go through whatever I am going through you do not have to. But just let me know that.

I am bipolar. I am a carousel of emotions. I am up and down and down and up. I see things differently than a lot of people. I feel things in a different way that seems crazy to others. I think it is why sometimes I can be so intelligent and diligent. Or why I can see details others don't. Why I can see plot holes, or holes in lies. I think it is why I can be so honest about how I am feeling. Because I need to. I think it is why I can be artistic in different ways or see the beauty in things that others don't see. Why I can see several perspectives at once. Why I can be understanding because of seeing those perspectives and then flip and get upset the next second. I also do not need it to be an excuse. I simply am what I am. I have worked on many things about myself that I did not like, that others did not like, that were ruining my life and I am always okay with that. I need work. Who doesn't? But I am willing, I just need help.

I am very upset with some people to this day even though it is in the past. It is not easy to deal with certain things in the capacity that I did. There have been things that I think that most people would think I am crazy for. What they did, without consideration for anyone else, or maybe they did but glazed over it, was not okay. What they did changed me. Changed my perspective. Changed how I cope. It was that hard for me. Knowing what I went through with certain people and how viciously they turned on me burnt my core. And now I have to deal with the repercussions of those actions and the people around me do to because of its affect on me.  

How do you not let those things affect you? I don't think you can. I don't. No one knows everything about me. Not one single person in the world knows everything about me. No one knows everything that has ever happened to me good or bad (especially bad). NO ONE. I would hope NO ONE would ask me to tell them all. I would hope, however, through their love and understanding they would help me as I would for them.  That they would not need to ask why but would say okay. They have done this when I needed it. They never asked me questions twice if I did not want to answer. I am alone sometimes though. I am so very alone. I think I hate most when I want one specific person to be there and they can't or won't. It could be anyone that I feel I need but then they aren't there. Or they don't know what to do or they don't want to be there. I am too much for some people I suppose. Or maybe my honesty or my past hurts are too much, I am not sure. I would like to think I am generous and kind, and I am always here, but I can be weird. I can station myself in my room for days, or weeks, only wanting contact with certain people. But I am there even in those moments when someone needs me. I am good with people usually except when I am upset. That's when things get so flustered and then people get defensive, unresponsive, confused, or are simply there and help. 

How am I to do this? How am I to figure out all of this, all of my tiny life, all of my happiness and failures? What am I supposed to do? If I cannot be upset or ask for help or ask for someone to talk to, and if I am accused of not accepting someone because I am upset then doesn't that mean they can't accept me as I am because I do get upset and am honest? I am not all just that. I am also happy plenty of the time. I like to believe I try and have fun and have interesting arguments and conversations with whomever wants to talk philosophically or otherwise. I feel I am loving, very much so. I would sell everything I ever owned if it would help my family if they needed it. I would be there broke helping out whoever if they needed me to take care of them. I will listen and love and care. Maybe too much. Maybe that is part of what I am and maybe that comes with being bipolar. Lots of things come with being bipolar. One thing it doesn't come with though is a handbook for those around you to learn to understand you. Or a handbook on why I may react a certain way. I mean there are those damn medical books that make you think they know all this stuff. Have you ever read one? I feel most of them are full of SHIT. I feel that most of them make it seem like most of us bipolar bears need super medication forever because without it we are out of control!!!!! Or because a doctor thinks he knows a mind so well that he can be an authority on yours specifically even though he has talked to you once. The trying to be simple over complicated deductions about what bipolar is, how to react when we get upset, how to do this and that, what to expect. Perhaps, because stereotypes are there for a reason right? But I would say perhaps not because none of us are alike. Not that alike anyway. I have one book about it that I am slightly okay with and loaned out. But I don't think you can ever explain it. I don't know that you can ever say to someone I think or feel differently in a capacity where they won't look at you like "duh everyone does". When I say I see and feel differently I mean it. Not just as an individual but as something else. 

I am sure people with other mental illnesses can attest to is. We can say all we want we understand what PTSD is, or read a book that says 'what to expect', 'how to deal', 'what to do with a loved one when they have an attack', but I, a person without PTSD, will never know what it is like regardless of how many books or times I try and get it. I won't. Because they see and feel and remember differently than me. They work differently. And to them I work differently. 

I feel it is time to conclude my long novel here. I am not done. But who wants to read this much these days? Barely anyone. I do. But no one is me. So I guess I want to ask for you to help me understand and help me cope, please. 

Lea

What a Mind

I have not wrote a blog post in awhile. I don't really know why, perhaps because I have been happier or maybe I just didn't feel like telling the world how I was doing. I met someone wonderful and amazing who keeps my spirits up (for the most part, but that isn't his fault). I fell in love with him and I feel so safe with him. I have told him things I hadn't even told my ex husband or really anyone for that matter. Matters that only my family really knew. It is nice feeling like someone is there with you and has your back; someone that says I love you back and his words actually sound like they mean it.

However, even though I feel happy I still have this internal struggle. I don't think anyone really gets it unless they are mentally ill, or have had a serious trauma. How could they? I don't know what it is like to be shot because I have never been shot so I cannot expect people to understand my brain or emotions. I have had this thought on my mind about how I had wrote this one blog post denouncing the love I had for my ex husband, it was just to make him angry and once I knew he saw it I erased it. Who does that? I guess that shows how hurt I was that I felt the need to hurt him back. I don't know why I thought about that but I did. Maybe because I still feel hurt. I don't have to be still into him for it to still hurt. I think what hurts more is I keep thinking about the pregnancies I lost. Like to a point where it feels like I am in those moments all over again. And why won't it stop? It doesn't make any sense for me to keep thinking about that for no reason. Maybe I fear I will never have any children and it's because I see my lovely little sister going through her own pregnancy, which is wonderful and I am over the moon that it is going so well for her. Either way it is still stuck in my head. I feel the lump in my throat when I think about it. The seize in my head from the pain it causes me. I don't want to end up that woman without kids even though that's what she wanted since she was a young girl. I am not in any rush. I have a lot of schooling ahead of me and I am in no position to have a child right now anyway, but I'm not ready. However, that nagging feeling is still always back there taunting me. Never leaving me alone and I have no idea how to make it stop. I don't like being so emotional and not wanting to talk about it with anyone. No one can make it better, and nothing but time can tell me if it will ever even be possible. It's such a sickening thought. What I think is even worse is when I think of what would have happened if those pregnancies went to term? Would my ex have kept liking me, would I have even kept liking him? Probably not.

So what do you do? What do you do when something tragic won't leave your brain no matter how much you try and distract yourself? It just gnaws at you. If it's not bad enough already being overly emotional, even on meds, then you have that fighting inside your brain. It's deafening. Not to mention the stress that I feel I am under. I have to ace my finals and I have to ace the GRE which I don't feel ready for but have to take Dec. 30th. Hoping to get into a prestigious part of CSU that is very competitive.   How do you get it together? Well I don't think that ever actually happens. You are always in this state where things can go better, or you could be doing something better or you could be blah blah. Is this what life is? Just some constant waiting game that is always ongoing and once one thing is achieved a million other things still need to be. Never feeling ready for a lot of things or maybe just not motivated to. I always tell myself I will get the things most important to me done but that doesn't always happen.

I try to tell myself that I am stronger when I am not. I try to convince myself that the constant nagging in my head will one day stop, even though it probably never will until I'm jumping out of a plane to my death. I guess that's the 'beauty' in life. Never knowing what will happen; never being ready; never understanding fully; never having no cares at all; being afraid of a thousand things. Without it life wouldn't be interesting. Without making mistakes living would be boring. Without loss you may not learn to truly love. Without loss you may not ever find out the things that you may really enjoy. Without trying or letting yourself experience things, huge or tiny, you won't ever know if you truly wanted it or didn't want it. How could you if you never take the steps towards those terrifying things.

Life isn't really bad. What happens can be bad but your life isn't out to get you. Chance is. I will never be able to stop it. I will never understand why awful things happen to me or why wonderful things happen. But being afraid is okay as long as it doesn't stop my life.

Letting your vulnerability get in your way

It seems that every time I turn around someone is making me feel taken advantage of. I feel like I won't be able to trust someone for a long time (relationship wise). We all make mistakes that is true but sometimes when you have made the mistake a couple times you feel kind of stupid. You think someone actually cares, actually loves you, and then you realize that that's not really the reality of the situation. When those kinds of things happen and you feel like you've been duped or stabbed in the back you start to look at yourself. You wonder "What have I really done wrong?" or you wonder "Why do I let these kinds of things keep happening to me?". I feel that whenever I am vulnerable I let someone in and then it's just another mistake, my heart gets torn down and my trust violated. Quite honestly I feel abused. Not in a physical way but more emotionally. People I think I can trust turn out to be dishonest, or not trustworthy. They aren't loyal or genuine. Part of me feels that over the last few months my thinking processes have been fogged because of the bipolar and because of how unstable I was. Being open and sensitive left me vulnerable and I made a big mistake in thinking that the one person I thought would be most genuine wouldn't hurt me but he did. It just sucks. You bring me up but then squash me right back down and frankly I feel very used.

I know I am emotional but I don't ask much of the people I trust and care for. For instance, I ask that you don't betray my trust, stay loyal to our relationship whether it me a filial one, just a friendship, or an intimate relationship. I ask that if I want to chat and your busy to tell me that rather than ignore my call or text because I find that quite rude. I ask that you just respect me and I will respect you and when I am vulnerable or in a manic state or manic depressive state that you be genuine, trustworthy, and kind rather than be a façade of kind and then turn around and hurt me.

I have made these mistakes before where I put my trust in someone I really care for and/or love and I get crapped on. It feels horrible and I am really sick of it. I know I am an emotional person but I also know I am kind, supportive, genuine and trustworthy so when I don't get that in return and just feel I am getting hurt repeatedly over and over again it makes me wonder about myself. It's like I give trust too easily, and while I do think about my decisions it seems I don't always realize I am being manipulated, taken advantage of, or just being told the caring is real and then it seems it isn't at all. I don't appreciate people making assumptions about my past, hold me living my life against me like I wasn't supposed to live, holding my mental illness against me like I can just make it stop, or making me feel like because I have physical/mental issues that that means I am not worthwhile.

I was finally starting to feel good about myself, about my life and how it has turned for the better and then my trust got betrayed yet again. I feel stupid yes, but I also thought I could trust the person and it seems that was wrong. I put myself out there, I am open about who I am and how I feel and I am a very passionate person and that seems to either work wonders for my life or work to make me hurt all over again. It seems as of late I cannot win, I cannot have what I want in life, or I can't just be me and be accepted. But if those people can't accept me, cannot appreciate the person I am, and make up things about me or how I act than I don't want them in my life. I am not really stupid, yes sometimes I make stupid mistakes but I am clearly learning from them. Perhaps slowly but still I am.

You put yourself out there because you care, we all want love and friendship and intimacy, but sometimes those who we think are good for us really aren't. I am pretty stable but I have been swung into a manic episode. Not a full force manic episode but one nonetheless. It makes me want to be alone with my face in a book or simply around my family (which includes my closest friends like my friend Tina). I don't want to make the same mistakes. I don't want to be in a relationship for awhile because I need to work on me. I was just enjoying being happy and then apparently that was too much even though I didn't ask for anything serious. Just like my ex husband who said he couldn't give anymore even though I just asked for love and affection. So I guess before anyone gets too close to me again, in a way that they could easily hurt me, I need to really look at myself and figure out what I truly want. I am in the process of getting over being hurt deeply a few times and it feels like I am grieving for a loss and I am. I don't mind having friends come over, or going out to have a nice time, but I would prefer to have my wall up for awhile and be safely kept to myself.

Relationships aren't easy but sometimes we meet people who just can't be in one. Who can't be an adult or mature in the relationship and it's funny because I know I can overreact sometimes or be overly passionate, or want love so badly from the one I am with, but I as a mature woman respect what a relationship is. It's between two people and its give and take and compromise and understanding but not all people can handle relationships because they are unstable, or aren't emotionally mature, or aren't ready to be committed to being in a relationship that isn't always 50/50, that's not as easy as the movies make it seems, and not ready to deal with the hard things that can happen in life.

Being with me, having time with my family is the best way to keep my episodes to a minimum at this moment. I am taking my meds like I should, venting when I am extremely upset, writing this as a therapy, and realizing who I am and what I want and can't stand. Long term I only know this for when I am ready for a relationship- I want a nerd like me, that knows how a relationship requires attention and love and understanding, who can be a book worm with me, and me on my level intelligence wise and academically (that's not supposed to be an insult to anyone I just want my mind enriched). But until I am actually ready to bring my guard down I am completely okay with making sure I can make myself stable and keeping it that way while I am vulnerable from the loss I have had and the betrayal I have felt.

Never think you need someone else to make you feel whole. If you feel that way than mentally you aren't prepared for a committed relationship or even one that isn't as serious. Don't let yourself be manipulated or taken advantage of while you are feeling vulnerable. Just work on making yourself happy and understanding yourself first.

Thanks for reading my rant.

Lea

A stinger of disike, but a lot of love to make up for it.

Yesterday was the day of my final hearing for divorce and my marriage was dissolved. While in the courtroom me and my now ex-husband were nice to each other; it's an awkward situation why make hard on yourself by not being nice? Afterwards he wanted to talk to me and I said that was fine. He wanted to get some things of his chest and me off mine. However, I did not expect the words that came out of his mouth.

He said "I just started not liking you", "I disliked you". I asked why?, what have I ever done to make you not like me?, I did everything I could for our marriage because that's what you're supposed to do. I would sit and cry for hours alone in my room because I felt so unhappy because you didn't want anything to do with me and all I ever did was try. He responded with he didn't know why he disliked me. He doesn't dislike me now but he did then. He told me he was purposely pulling away/pushing me away. I felt that this was just so bad because it felt as if he used me for my trip to the Marlboro Ranch. He said of course that that wasn't it he thought that would bring us closer. I don't know that I believe that because my birthday was right after that trip and he didn't care enough to plan anything for it. He bought me a gift and after I got really upset he bought me a card and roses but then when the next day came we got into a huge argument and that's the first time I heard the words "I can't give anymore of myself to you, I have nothing left" spoken to me. I said this stuff to him yesterday. I said you didn't care, you weren't the man I thought you were, last year you did everything to make my birthday go by happily instead of sadly (I hate my birthday because I shared it with my grandma and she passed, and I miss all my dead relatives on that day so I am usually quite upset on my birthday). I also said " You weren't giving anything so how could you not give anymore? I gave everything and all I kept fighting for was love and affection." He replied that he had supported me for a couple of years and couldn't do it anymore. He didn't dislike me because I was bipolar or because I was injured and have a lot of physical issues. But it certainly feels like that. He did used to care and he would help me but he stopped that awhile ago. I even asked about after the second pregnancy why he distanced himself and he said because I was mean about the way he reacted (He shut himself down and I felt like he abandoned me in pain and emotional turn down and all I asked was for him to talk to me and be there). I never restricted him but he felt that I did. He can feel anyway he wants but that doesn't mean that I did that. I never said don't go workout or ride or eat healthy. He even said he has the grey hair to prove how stressful it was and he was 'literally dying from hypertension". I replied that I lost my hair and was left to cry alone. Neglected because he 'didn't like me anymore". But you know what maybe he stopped working out because he felt guilt for 'not liking me anymore' and for the way he was treating me. Maybe that stressed him out because he knew it was wrong and a husband should be there for his wife. Maybe he needs to look internally to see the damage he did to himself. I wish he had been honest and just said he didn't want the relationship before we moved out in December. That would have made life easier. I am not going to talk about the rest of our conversation because that doesn't need to be public. But this part of it really stung.

Now it didn't sting because I am in love with him, it didn't sting because I wanted to keep the marriage because I didn't and don't. It stung because as an honest woman I put all my efforts into that relationship because I had made a commitment. I was not about to turn on my word regardless of if I was very unhappy the last several months of our marriage. I was willing to try because I gave my word. He wasn't. He left the relationship. He went into his own world and then started projecting things onto me (like his silver hair and hypertension). I didn't do those things to him. I may have fought and been emotional because I felt as a wife I was not getting the love or affection I deserved, but I didn't leave the relationship. He told me I had changed, but I explained that I only changed because he was gone and he was not there for me. He wasn't acting like who I thought I knew. That changes a woman because her emotions get all tangled because she doesn't understand what she could have possibly done besides give everything to deserve it.

So what's the point of this blog besides to vent a little?
I don't mean to make him look like a jerk, I am simply putting down what he gave me yesterday. I am not making this post to make myself look good and him bad. I just want people to know that by using a person, neglecting them, or 'leaving the relationship' while still in it, or by not being honest about how you feel you can crush the other person. You can make the other person feel so badly that they break like I did and go into a psychosis. You can hurt them so badly that they become extremely emotional and off the wall. He apologized yesterday and I believe it was sincere and that is all I wanted but I did not leave the conversation okay. I didn't feel closure really. I felt anger. I felt a lot of anger. I felt used for that trip I really do. I feel manipulated like he got me to move and then when we moved he reverted into this person I didn't know and our ship started to sink. I feel like it may have all been on purpose because he felt he would at some point end it. If you don't like who you are with do not torture them. Do not stay in the relationship because you will make them feel worthless, ugly, and perhaps suicidal like I was. Yes I am saying it flat out, there were days were I wondered if I would be better off just gone from the world. I couldn't be happy in my marriage, my husband didn't seem to care about me anymore, and nothing seemed right at all. But something happened when I packed my bags and then he said a divorce was in order. A pressure lifted off of me. I was hurt of course because who thinks that is fun, and who likes being unhappy in a relationship someone made a commitment to be in and then left it while still in it? No one. But a weight lifted. All the sudden I felt I didn't have to walk on eggshells with my mental illness, I didn't have to "not complain" about my body hurting (like saying 'man my hip is killing me everyday" and not wanting to say anything for fear it was 'unattractive' as I felt I was being a bit of a cripple). I no longer had to fight for something that was tearing us both down. Something that made me unhappy and clearly him unhappy. Something that wasn't meant to be. All the sudden I could be free from the stress of trying to save a severely damaged marriage that made me miserable.

Do not let something go on if you are not happy. I am at fault there too because I was super unhappy as months passed and he pushed away but I kept trying. It's all I had so I kept trying. However, if you can't like yourself you can't like who your with, and maybe he started disliking himself so he started disliking me. I have no clue but don't do that to a person you once loved or do love. Just be honest. Don't make them feel used, or manipulated by the actions you take because even if that isn't your intention that's what it feels like. Let them go.

Now the last month and a half I have grown my hair back, lost weight, felt happy and stable like I said in my last blog. But there are several reasons why and now I will be honest and say what they are. I have been elusive about the matter.

First, my family. My mom has been my rock ever since I was a child and she still is. No matter what we go through she is there picking me up or me trying to pick her up. She has made me feel so loved that even just writing this is making me tear up. She has let me cry on her shoulder, talk as much shit as I want or don't want, has listened, and has talked to me and made me feel better. Everyday she gives me a hug and a kiss at least once and tells me she loves me all day long. She takes care of me right now and I don't have the words to thank her properly.

Second, I have my sisters. Lauren I now live with and if you knew her you'd know how funny she can be and how kind and caring she is. She has talked shit with me because that's what you do when you leave a relationship and you're angry lol. She has vowed to help me with my surgery making my life easier and she doesn't have to do that. She has taken me out shopping so we can have fun couponing and it was a great distraction. She always has a story to tell and it brings me up. She too always hugs me or gives me a kiss and we always say I love you to each other. My older sister Tiffany has also been there. She has helped me through the process, took me to the divorce hearing, talked me back up from a collapse in tears, and has supported me. She too always says she loves me. She is also helping me with the surgery and is taking me to it and I know if I need her I can call her and she will be right there if possible. My littlest sister Emily is just adorable. While I haven't seen her too often over the last month and a half she did something so sweet that I will never forget. For doing so well in school and getting her grades up I gave her my old camera that started my love for photography. She loves photography too and is very good at it and she is only 12. When I took it to her she read the letter I gave her before opening the present. She threw it down, started crying and hugged me in a way that I will never forget. That moment I will never forget. EVER. She showed appreciation on a level out of this world for an old camera. She made me feel appreciated in that instant. She hugged for a few minutes and didn't want to let go. She showed me what love she had for me and what appreciation looked like. My nephew Ben was also quite funny but I won't put what he said here. He always shows his love for me and that brings me up too. He is a funny little man and I am thankful he is in my life.
My friend Tina and numerous others have also been there for me to push me back up into a place where I know people truly care about me. Even my friend Fran, who I have not met but chats me up online has been there for me. That is something I am eternally grateful for. Also, since I have edited this three times as my mind plays tricks on me, let me thank my Aunt carol because not only did she buy one expensive cab ride home from me to help me out, she is constantly sending me uplifting texts, and comments on my Facebook and they really do mean a lot to me. I love you!


So my advice for those who are unhappy in their relationship, if it seems the pieces will never make sense, if happiness is not readily available for either of you, if you have lost what you thought there was, then it wasn't meant to be and let it go. I should have let go sooner, and he should have let go sooner. We should have waited to see if marriage was really something that was right for me and Nathan, and if we had we would have not gone through what we have in the last several months. To be in an unhappy relationship is unhealthy. If you leave a relationship and don't feel a severe loss, you don't feel like you lost love because you have been so unhappy then you know that relationship is not for you and you don't ever need to be a part of it again. Sure you may be upset, it's natural, and you may be sad that things went the way they did, but know that it wasn't meant to be and that is okay. Like me and my mother have. Like me and my sisters and nephew have, and like me and my friends have. Don't be fooled into thinking because you made a commitment that you have to stay apart of it if the other one is pushing you and you know it's because they aren't in love with you, and they aren't right for you.


Love is something that evil shouldn't be able to take away.

Lea

Terrifying Feelings of Surgery

In about six days and ten hours I will be getting a pretty serious surgery. This is the procedure that is documented to happen on my PT script: Scope/Labral Debridement/ Labral Repair/ Femoral Osteochondroplasty/ Psoas Lengthening/ Capsular Repair/ Capsular Plication / and Microfracture.

What this all means is I will have my labrum in my hip socket repaired and anchored. They will clear out all extra debris. They will suture the ligaments around my femoral neck, while also reshaping my femoral neck. Then Microfracture. This is pretty terrifying as this means they will drill lots of little whole into my bone so that stem cells will reproduce and grow new cartilage in my socket. Now this is kind of scary since I have heard it is quite painful to heal from. All this will be quite painful to heal from. My hip has been hurting me so badly this last year that I am actually excited for this surgery to occur because I can't take the pain anymore. It's awful. Not only was I left not being able to do all the things I wanted, I started having limited range of motion. No not because I didn't work out enough but because my femoral neck grew new bone and so when I try to raise my leg the next bone gets in my way. It's quite awful to be frank. I have been doing what I can to strengthen my leg more so the healing is easier on me. I will be wearing the bionic woman brace which will be so fun! Plus the rebound crutches.

With all the stress from the divorce and moving into my mom's again I started smoking a lot more. So I have actually been utilizing my E Cigs to help me cut down because no one, not even me, is smoking in the house after my surgery because it is such a big procedure that I don't want any chance of infection. Emotionally I have been up and down and I have finally become more stable. My anxiety is still on high alert but I think that for obvious reasons that is not surprising. It's difficult thinking about walking into a court house in 3 days and a wake up to get a divorce and then three days later will be in an operating room. I'm just grateful the divorce is before the surgery.

I believe I was so stressed inside my marriage that I lost some of my hair. I say this because it was noticeably thinner, my skin was duller, and I just was becoming more and more unhappy from lack of a lot of things. Now it's crazy my hair has actually become a bit thicker which was pointed out to me. My skin is finally looking better, and I have lost weight. Well that may be from the extra workouts and the couple attempts at riding before my surgery. I ride flatland and I just haven't been riding because the pain is a lot of times overwhelming so I decided forget it I might as well ride a few times before surgery because full recovery is six months. Then I will have three months of non stop physical therapy and who knows if it will go longer. That depends on my lovely hip which has dysplasia. Wish I had known that a year ago but I cannot say every radiologists does a great job.

My life is changing in crazy ways and sometimes it all makes sense. Even though some of it is bad it led to me realizing what I want and don't want. Plus I will finally get this hip taken care of and that's a blessing in itself. The pain physically from the hip and the back, and sciatica, mixed with bipolar emotions, anxiety, stress, and then of course the feeling of neglect do not mix well together. It's weird because at one point in my marriage my soon to be ex seemed to care that I was hurting and would help me, and then that stopped. I don't know that he lacked complete care but he even said "I'm going to stop coddling you" which I thought was strange. I don't think it is coddling when I am legitimately hurt and in pain and need help sometimes. Shit I almost fell flat on my face today when my lovely hip gave out on me. That was fun. I guess I don't get why people stop either believing your pain is legitimate or why they think it's good to let you just struggle to do stuff. I suppose it just got tiring for him but my family has not grown tired. My little sister is actually working all nights for a week so she can help me which is awfully nice of her. I have good friends that have been here for me through all the stress and bringing me back up, and I have my wonderful family. My days aren't sad anymore. It's a nice feeling. I don't feel like I have to walk on eggshells because I am a little crazy and some people just can't deal, even when they knew I am who I am.

I know I am all over the place with this blog post. I just guess I have a lot of different feelings at once I want to release. I don't understand the world sometimes but things start falling into place and then everything all the sudden makes sense. All I want is an apology. I know I can be a pain, I know I need to be medicated, I know I need a lot of help physically sometimes or I just get worn out from pain. I know those things about myself. But I also know that I still show care and I still show love, and kindness. I don't just leave that behind me. I don't just give up even if I really want to. I know I wasn't the only one unhappy. Maybe his unhappiness rubbed off on my unhappiness and then it fell apart. But to be quite frank I'm not even mad. I don't actually mind at all because that was not the type of relationship I want to be in or anyone should be in because all was lost. There was nothing. It was a separation within a household. Two people - one fighting for things to be OK because I'm just that way and the other well whatever. Now in a few days it will be over. That part of my life will be gone. It won't feel so weird anymore maybe because it will be legally done.

My life has changed dramatically in the last couple months. I have gone from extremely low, to the point where there were times I contemplated killing myself, to a state of shock, to a place where I felt safe and taken care of, and then finally stability. STABILITY. Something I haven't seen in a long time. I feel confident in myself once more. I feel happy to wake up and not feel pressure to be perfect or not be 'crazy' when all I ever was was me trying to feel happy, trying to feel better. I love waking up in a house where people don't give up on me and help me. Where people tell me they love me with sincere genuine love. Where I get hugged and complimented and told you're a good person, a kind person, a beautiful person. I get helped up again when I can't get up. I get help up stairs or down stairs and I get understanding when I need to be on a couch all day because my entire leg is on fire and my hip feels like it's crumbling beneath me. I haven't felt the way I feel now in a very very long time. I just haven't and there's no point in lying. I haven't been in my room crying for long periods of times or needing to take a shower so no one can hear me cry. No staring at myself and not recognizing myself anymore. I feel alive. I feel well. My issues will always be with me. ALWAYS because I have mental issues and physical issues but I am around people with a very deep understanding of that, of me, and what I go through. My mom said to me today that it doesn't matter if I need a painful procedure because I'm tough as hell. I walk around and get shit done even though I am always feeling pain. I may need a nap because it's exhausting but I get up and do what I need to do. Last year I worked on this hip, and stood for long hours on this back and some nights would leave in tears once I reached my car because the pain was horrible. But I had shit to do and bills to pay and I did what I had to do. I got through it. I get through it. So even if this surgery is painful, even if it does take me several months to have an almost normal hip, I am tough. My mom watches my struggle everyday and she told me today "you're tough as hell you can get through it no problem if you can get through everyday with that pain". That is encouragement at it's finest.

I just want to thank everyone who is there for me. Everyone who is helping me. Who is going to be helping me get through my surgery and recovery. I love all of you so very much. I couldn't be happier right now, and maybe some people think that's fucked up but it's not. He asked for a divorce and it turned my health and life around to a stable, happy, comfortable, encouraging, supportive and loving new leaf. So I will report back after surgery since I will have a lot of time on my hands.

Thanks for reading.

Lea

Bipolar happy about divorce and Setting things straight

My final hearing for dissolution is on the 16th. I am good with getting the dissolution as I don't want to be with somebody like what my husband turned out to be. I find it sad that he blamed me for his weight gain, stress, sleep apnea and high BP. It really isn't my fault he sat on his ass all day playing video games. I guess him saying that really got under my skin because not only could he not respect me enough to not cheat, then not even tell me the truth even though I had 100% proof, but now he is blaming ME for his actions. I'm sorry but I know when people break up they try to make themselves look like they did nothing wrong and blame the other for all these things they probably didn't cause so I am not surprised he is saying it is my fault since he is super self absorbed and cannot take responsibility for his own actions.

I never force fed him the candy, chips, and whatever else he ate. Nor did I tell him not to workout or go get healthy. Actually me and his mom tried to get him off the video games so he could get off his ass and all he did was yell at us. Then of course he now is saying how I didn't 'allow' him to watch dragon ball z and didn't let him play video games. I find this quite hilarious since we used to argue because he never paid much attention to me but would sit in front of that TV and play video games all day, and while I was busy doing house work or homework he was watching his anime shows so I have no clue how that equates to me not 'allowing' him to do those things. Clearly he is a person that needs to get attention and sympathy for something that isn't actually true. It's quite pathetic that he cannot take responsibility for his own actions, and then lies on top of that accusing me of not allowing him to do things he constantly did to the point where he neglected me because he was in front of that TV all damn day unless he was going early to school to 'study' or doing his homework which he had ME help him with and edit his papers yet I was such a horrible person right.

He told me he thought I exaggerated my mental illness-which is bull shit because there are plenty of days where I wish I could feel normal. He told me how I needed to work out, and do more squats so my butt didn't sag! That one hurt. He also downplayed what was going on with my hip. He would tell me how I need to get over the pain, would send me links to stories about how pain can be all in your head, and would say I shouldn't get surgery. Well guess what? My femoral neck is not curved like it should be; it is straight and rigid with new bone growth and on top of that I have natural dysplasia (shallow socket) so I guess that was all in my head right. So I guess it really burns my britches that he said that stuff and tried telling me how I was doing it all wrong and needed to work out. Yet I did at night. I didn't do much no but I did squats, I stretched and I did do crunches right before I went to bed. I workout more now because I am so close to surgery that I need my muscles to be nice and strong. I also have been riding because I figured my bone needs to be reshaped anyway and the tear is going to be fixed so why not get out there and ride flatland bmx. I am strong yet I don't think he ever saw that in me. I may have married him for the wrong reason- because we had lost a pregnancy together- but the man I married did care, helped me get up and understood I had a mental illness and accepted it. The man I am getting a divorce from is someone I don't even know. He is selfish, lacked any empathy for me, seemed to be instigating me so not only could he hold my temper ( my bipolar temper) against me but I think also he wanted to either make me distance myself from him or he wanted to distance himself from me because he was no longer very nice to me.

Here I am going to talk about what I did wrong and take responsibility for MY actions without blaming HIM for them because I am a mature adult. I did not get back on my meds which was a bad decision because that made me feel a lot more, made me feel manipulated, made me get angry very quickly because I was irritable, and I ended up fighting with him because I felt he never gave me enough attention (I felt very neglected and alone). Yes I can be a pain in the butt because I can become very irritable, depressed, hyper, or angry. I know those things about myself and I was honest from the second we started dating. I felt so neglected that I went through a psychosis that led me to be even more paranoid about feeling manipulated, I got upset very easily, and yes I would yell. I would let him know that him playing all day on his Xbox affected me very negatively, and no I didn't always do it in a nice way because sometimes I would get so frustrated I would just yell. When my birthday came around this year sure he bought me a $75 dollar ukulele but he didn't even buy me a card until two days later when I had flipped out. I took myself out for dinner. He never did take me out to eat. He then convinced me to stay at home rather than drive through the snow to go to Sephora because I wanted to treat myself if no one else was going to (him). He said we would go the next day after my family birthday party. When we were leaving I asked if we could go and he was like 'I don't really feel like it I want to go home" but I brought up our previous conversation so he gave in. While there I picked myself up makeup and he decided to pay for some eye shadow saying " girls like makeup that should make you happy." WOW right. It amazed me how dense he was about the whole thing. On my actual birthday he had stated how he had dropped the ball and felt really bad yet got mad when I was really upset because he still had planned nothing even though he knew I was hurt so fuck yeah I yelled. It was like he waited to go on the trip I won and then was trying to instigate me to leave or something. When I got super upset about my birthday that was the first time he said I can't give anymore- How could he not give anymore if he was putting nothing into our relationship? If I asked for more attention he got livid, if I asked him to play less video games he freaked out, he maybe spent a few hours a week actually being close, but mainly it felt like he was using me to help him with his homework. It made me feel worthless to the point I slipped into that psychosis ( which is when he told me he thought I exaggerated my illness).
These last several month have been horrible and while I may have gotten into arguments because he instigated me, or ignored my needs, he is the one who made himself the way he was not me. He gained weight by sitting on his ass for more than 12 hours a day playing games which caused sleep apnea because the more weight you have on you the more likely you are to have sleep apnea. He got sleep apnea from gaining weight which caused his high blood pressure. I had nothing to do with that. He stuffed his face with whatever he wanted - I didn't force feed. He can go tell people I "verbally abused" him because I know the truth. He can't handle being told you are wrong, you are neglecting your responsibilities of being a husband, being told you are selfish and all you care about is yourself, being told that you are being an asshole because you are yelling at me for childish bs, or that you are a coward and a self absurd douche when I found out you cheated so if that's what you want to call verbal abuse go ahead and make people feel pity for you because it's pathetic.

I am not sad about the divorce because I felt so alone. I felt so stressed. I felt so neglected by the person who made vows to always be there and then said his vows weren't as serious because I changed, when really he reverted back to being a teenager who couldn't understand what a marriage meant. This is why I am happy - because I now get to have better things come my way. People who actually care for me. People who give me love and affection. People who I can trust. I am not being told I am either lazy because I have limitations, or that I need to workout more or make sure to do more squats so my ass isn't saggy. I get told how beautiful I am without anyone prompting. I don't get told "you don't get pretty for me" (meaning I hadn't put on makeup because apparently that is when I am pretty). I get told I am beautiful without my makeup on. I am free from feeling secluded. I am not getting my mental illness hung over my head and my physical conditions are not being downplayed or treated like they are in my head because my family and friends care enough to go to the doctors with me, to see what is actually happening to me and how I am doing. I know I was never truly in love with Nathan because what we had was based of a bond we made from losing a pregnancy and he became so distant that I started not recognizing him. I don't think he was truly in love with me either because when you are you accept all the flaws and perfection of a person. You accept their mental illness and if you can't you don't ask them to marry you and then all the sudden say you can't take it because vows are through thick and thin. He didn't truly love me. I heard when he first hung out with me he was acting like I was a 'trophy fuck' because I rode bmx and was pretty and whatever else so I think when I couldn't ride, nor be a baby maker, all the sudden I wasn't attractive. That isn't true love. I stuck through it even when I was unhappy because I did marry him. Even if he was the wrong man or not the man I wanted to marry or be married to I made vows. I guess these things have been bubbling under my skin and I just needed to vent. I over him because he is obviously not someone I want, nor do I find him attractive at all anymore, nor do I want to be with him because he isn't the one for me, plus he is a cheater. However, that does not mean what he says and rumors he makes don't affect me. They do. They do affect me because he can't even respect me enough to stop the games and stop being self absorbed and just wanting sympathy and empathy and pity for shit that isn't true. So that is why I wrote this. Because I get to say my side too. I get to have feelings now without having someone hold it over me. I get to feel love now from people who actually love me so I feel empowered enough to vent the last of it out no matter what anyone thinks. In other posts I didn't say everything because for some reason I didn't feel like I could or like it was my right to do before divorce but now I do because he is spitting out lies so I get to spit out the truth. Truth that actually acknowledges that I am taking responsibility for my wrong actions.


I have felt so much love from all the people around me. SO much so that it is more than I had felt from my marriage in months. I feel pretty again. I feel like no one is trying to treat me like I am dumb and they know I am extremely intelligent. No one is trying to say some bs to me that is stupid and not true like he did thinking I was an idiot. Sorry to say it but I'm smarter than you Nathan and always will be. I don't have people negating me constantly because they respect my intelligence and are not so narcissistic  that they have to be right just to be right- meaning they accept new information and don't tell me I am wrong and then spew out bs that is false, and then the second some other person sides with me finally decide to say I am right. That doesn't happen anymore because the ones that love me know I am smart and don't talk down to me or act like I am an idiot. My dear friend held me and I had forgotten what it felt like to feel such love and kindness that I cried for awhile. I no longer am neglected. I have people all around me that know me, accept me, understand me, understand my ailments and who give me love and can hold me or console me. I feel free. I feel like an empowered woman again. I feel strong. I feel like I get to shine in my spotlight now and show the world what I am made of instead of feeling so depressed I don't want to leave the house. I am motivated now and I am determined. I know what I want. I know exactly what I want. I am going to get what I want and need. I can thank Nathan for this- Thank you for being so neglectful, so selfish, and so disrespectful because it got me out of an unhappy and unhealthy situation and me into a much much better and brighter situation. Thanks for being an asshole and cheating because it solidified just how much we shouldn't be together and just how selfish you are. Our divorce is in two weeks away and I can't wait. Thank you for saying you wanted a divorce because it made my life so much better and brought me back onto the path I have wanted to be on for a long time now. I wanted it for awhile but held to my integrity. So thank you for that. I kept my integrity and you lost out on a wonderful, patient, generous, kind, beautiful, and strong woman. A woman who has so much love in her life now because she isn't secluded, or feeling secluded, that I feel only disrespected because of how you were and what you did, but now heart broken, not sad about losing you, and not upset about the divorce.