The Never Understood

Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs "CAN YOU PLEASE GIVE ME ONE BREAK AND FOR ONE SECOND JUST TRY AND UNDERSTAND". I want to say that to a lot of people that have been or are in my life. It is not a choice to be mentally ill. It is NOT a choice.  At the current moment I am going through a manic-depressive episode. It is not fun for me at all. You get a nagging nagging nagging in your head all day about all sorts of things that may seem minuscule to some or may seem dangerously dark. It's simply what happens when I go through these episodes. I have NO control over it. I can try and calm myself, try and find things to do to keep me from wanting to just die, try and find people that are willing to try and understand, try and get the people or person I want to be there for me to help me but that doesn't mean any of this ever works or that I can ever get anyone to just be there. How do you tell someone "I am trying to reach out to you, and I need you" and actually get them to want to be there. It is no offense to anyone else when I specifically want a certain person or persons but at the same time I cannot make those people be there for me. Some people do not get it or don't want to and I cannot make them.

How do you deal with something you do not understand or do not wish to understand? I do not know that you can. I wish everyone just could. Even if they felt what I felt for one minute then maybe it would give them greater insight. How I wish I could do that for some people. 

When I am manic there are times when I can explode into a frustrated ball of madness, or times where I just get super upset and have a breakdown, and other times where I am just irritable or depressed. I am not always like this so I would hope those who love me could just be there for me when I get like this but again I cannot force anyone to do anything nor can I get them to understand. Sometimes I feel punished for these 'outbursts' and I do not feel that it is okay. I cannot help it. I cannot stop it. There is usually a trigger and that should be paid attention to not ignored and I never said anyone could not be mad that I get this way but a little empathy and compassion would not hurt. I cannot expect anyone to do anything ever. I couldn't even expect my ex-husband to 'deal' with me as he put it. He knew what and who I was and still wasn't willing to take a deeper look at the situation and try and understand. Some people aren't. I do not know that I can blame them for it either because who wants to deal with someone like me. I seem irrational to most people and my emotions can be so overpowering that most people just think 'oh she is overreacting'. But to me I'm not. To me that is how it works. That is how my brain works. I do not constantly question why so called 'normal' people (or people who aren't mentally ill) do not think my way. They just don't. 

I am always feeling judged. I always feel like people, even people I love, look at me and just think sometimes 'she is too much'. But too much what? I will never know how to explain what I go through. How my brain works or why I do or did what I did. It isn't really a possibility. Words are not enough. I can put words in tons of different orders and still I feel people do not understand. I do feel many other mentally ill people or bipolar people can understand but that is because they know what it is like to have a brain that literally works and is formed differently. There is evidence of that and evidence that in our genes and DNA we are different. Our emotional centers take over. If that takes over so much, so powerfully that what we see in reasoning normally is not the same at the time of the emotional override. I am not downgrading emotions here. They are useful resources for us. They help us build are moral values and ethical systems but that does not mean they cannot be destructive too. Our reasoning can be destructive. Over reasoning can be an awful thing. But when an emotional override happens (I am going to use those terms because it is probably the easiest way to explain this even though it doesn't really cover all) it's like a link in the chain has been broken. Something happens. Something detrimental happens. 

From personal experience I know that I can go from feeling great and happy to enraged within seconds. One trigger and then all the sudden everything in the world is on fire in my eyes. Nothing matters except getting the rage out. If I do not get it out it will linger and most likely turn worse or into something worse and more dangerous. How I get this rage out depends on the situation. In my past whoever was closest got hit with it, especially if they were the trigger. Through therapy I have worked to not do that. At least not as much as I used to or as harshly. I have learned to recognize this happening and to try and leave the situation or room. Sometimes I have to throw things (unbreakable things now), scream, rip something up, hit something (I have broken fingers and toes from this but it still helps) or let it gather until I collapse from the exhaustion it causes and cry. It seems weird and terrifying to others. It seems crazy. So try and imagine how I feel.

That is not the only thing that happens though. I can also be triggered into being dangerously upset or sad or depressed. When this happens I will snap and have a breakdown. It may be one that causes me to say hasty hostile things, irrational things, depressing things like "I want to just die" or "I wish no one had to deal with me ever again" etc. These moments are especially hard for me. I have no control. I have none. What can I do. I can walk out of the room or turn my phone off but that doesn't always work or sometimes I cannot push myself to do it. And if it is a depressive mood me being alone is probably not wise. I have sedated myself before. I have never admitted that out loud to anyone except my boyfriend. I couldn't take it. No one was there and I didn't care. I wanted to be gone from the world. I sedated myself and slept for days. I woke up here and there to go to the bathroom or get some water but that was it. When my ex-husband finally came around to asking me what was wrong or if I was feeling well I just said I was sick and he took me at my word. Which is fine. What else could he have done. But during these times I am needy. I need help. I need love. I need empathy. I need unconditional friendship. I need someone to be there without judging me. When I get like this it is harder to explain than the rage. I do not know where to even start!

Something happens maybe, or maybe I am just in a bad episode. Either way I start to feel this dread come over me. This violation of my happiness occurs. The darkness starts to roll in and fog all the good out of my mind so all I see is the sadness, or the bad, or the worthlessness of myself. It is horrifying to experience. I cannot speak for other mentally ill people but I know that a lot of time this makes me hate myself. I dwell on all those little things I have ever done, or all the bad things happening and cannot understand why I am even here. Why anyone wants to deal with me or be my friend. Why I even want to be here. That is how awful it feels. And I do not want some pity party. This is not a woe is me. This is just part of me that I am trying to explain. Sometimes I push during these times. Sometimes I push people away from me because I do not know why they even want to be around me or be my friend or love me because I think I am awful in those moments. There are also moments were I push because I consider killing myself. If I am going to I do not want anyone liking me because then they would be upset. Yes, I know this sounds crazy to a lot of you but it is just how it works for my brain sometimes. Of course I know I can push all I want but the people who really love me will still be there. When the darkness falls in my mind and all is consumed all I can see is the black. The detrimental black. I see things or notice things that most others probably would not or get bothered by things most people wouldn't get bothered by. When this happens a lot can set me off. A stressful moment, some bad news that probably isn't that bad, having something not go my way when I really wanted it to, having a feeling that someone I love is being distant (this may not really be the case but I see it that way which only aggravates the depression and makes me think "See I am not worth anything"), or I could feel that things are just crumbling around me when really they may not be. But if I get hit by something like that then I will have a break down of some sort. It may be that I just collapse crying, roll up in a fetal position and cry, stare at things that could kill me, freak out beyond recognition to where someone will have to forcefully embrace me to calm me, or I could fight with you. Not physically but vocally. I may start a fight over something that seems really dumb or over something out of our control but it just happens. I have no idea why. I will never be able to tell any of you why this is happening. The only thing I can do is apologize if I hurt your feelings because I said something nasty or something I didn't mean, or for making you feel like I am just a bundle of dread. I hate that. I am always worried I will be left behind because most reflect back on those bad moments where it is just bad. Where the mental illness is just dark and depressing. But that isn't all me. So when these things happen I just need understanding. That doesn't mean anyone has to actually totally understand what I go through it means I need that person to take a minute to realize that what is happening to me is not controllable and that I need to just calm down and whatever I say needs to be taken with a grain of salt. I don't mean most of it when I am fighting. Somethings I do because there are things that upset me and I will say them but other things are just me blowing out the steam. I always apologize or try and make up for it though. Always. 

There are some people who will tell me I have no reason to apologize for things I cannot control but I feel like I do. I shouldn't say those things and while I feel there isn't much control beyond where I have come to now in my life that I have hurt someone and need to make it right. If I am crying all day I do not apologize for that. Sometimes that needs to happen. If I am stuck in bed all day I do not apologize for being gloomy just as I would not expect a depressed person to apologize for being depressed. However, I do when I know I have overreacted in a way that hurt someone or upset them. Forgiveness is needed though and that is the understanding I am looking for in those moments. Trust me I punish myself quiet a bit for having those moments. I already feel awful about myself and when I cannot control my ridiculous temper or emotions it makes it even harder for me. So please, to all my friends and family, give me some slack sometimes (most of you do). When I ask for help please just help. When I need to just bitch and I raise my voice know I am not yelling at you but the world. When I say I want to be left alone it is not personal which is why I understand when others tell me they need to be alone. Usually though I do not want to be alone for long because I know it is not that healthy for me. It can make me worse so sometimes I need to be forced to be put into an environment with another person. Even if it's just watching movies with mom or Shawn or my little sister or calling my older sister. I just can't be left to my own devices for too long. Or it get's worse.

Getting help is sometimes hard too. I may want to see a therapist at this moment but actually getting to talk to one takes a long time. You need an intake interview and then eventually, after weeks, you may finally get to see someone who will actually listen and be someone you feel comfortable with. I have despised most of the therapists I have had accept one. However, she still didn't seem to take some of the things I said into consideration or was very unresponsive to the help I needed. So sometimes I just need a loved one there instead. Please never give up on me.

I need to bring up also that I have other episodes. I have mania sometimes. These modes can be hard to deal with too because I get wired and high on neurotransmitters and hormones. I am UP UP UP. I am through the roof with energy and I can stay up all night for days in a row. I want to just do stuff and can be aggressive, and sometimes hostile but I just need to GO. For many this can be quiet annoying. I sing a lot and I goof around too much and I have a hard time being serious. And if this high get's ruined I get agitated.  This kind of episode is harder to explain and hard to control. I have no real way of coming down. I have meds but as I said in the last post I stopped taking them because I was worse on them than off. I need to find activities during these times. Tons. Or I need to be socializing or working. But have faith that these episodes for me last a lot less longer than the manic-depressive ones.

And then for most of the time you get me. I am still different. I am still very sensitive and emotional. I am still needy and I know no one in the world could possibly give me all I want because I want everything. But I do not know that is always a flaw. I feel when I love you in any form my neediness comes in hand. I am more generous than most because I want to be there for you. I want to be around people I love. Sometimes it is only a specific few or maybe just one person but that means I am there always for you for whatever. I may be sensitive but for me this gives me an edge most don't have. I can pick up on things most can't. I can find the small details that matter but are hard to find. I can see logic where some can't and I can find solutions where others may not see one. My emotional state is usually high but that makes me empathetic to others. I am humble and very generous. I will be there for you whenever you need me because I, emotionally, can understand what it is like to need help, or a shoulder to cry on, or a hug, or whatever. So being bipolar is not always bad. It makes me a perceptive, interesting, and loving person. If you can handle my episodes than you also get a kind friend on the more normal basis. I have made mistakes and will make more but that doesn't mean I won't make up for them. I am never going to be perfect or ideal. I will be that woman most think is just off her rocker but that is ok. I have accepted that this is me and I would only hope those who love me or are friends with me would be accepting too!

Now my last point. I need to get this off my chest. Someone young I know, and I am not naming them here because that is not my place, is not doing well mentally. She is having issues that are deep. I know those feelings and the hardship it causes on one's self esteem. I know that it hurts so badly that you will do anything to try and make it stop. Considering suicide is usually one of the key answers to this type of pain. I am fortunate enough to have convinced myself of ways to not do it or to talk myself out of it. I imagine my mother's face finding me dead. I cry every time I imagine it. I am literally tearing up right now. I know what it would do to her and I can't handle it. I know she is strong but that would devastate her. I have never been to the point, obviously, where my internal pain overrides this caring for my mother's devastation and I hope I never get there. I know my whole family would be upset but what always does it is seeing mom's face. This young lady I am talking about though, I do not think she has that. She does not have that thing yet to tell her NO this will do something you do not want to happen. I see the pain in her and I empathize so deeply. She has been committed now for fear she would kill herself or try. She has been doing self harm and doing inappropriate things. I honestly believe she is trying to say something without saying it but I do not know what exactly yet. Of course she wants to call for help but won't directly do it. It took me a long time to actually admit when I needed it. But I think there is something else. She is clearly feeling insecure which is shown by her actions and she is acting out of control for a reason. What she needs is understanding which she has by most-maybe not her peers but by her loved ones. However, without the correct hope she is going to push it too far one day. One day it could severely harm her. One day if she does not cooperate she could lose a lot of the things and people she has. So I feel since I can empathize deeply I need to find a way for her to reach to me. I do not know exactly how but I will find a way. This is affecting me deeply. I am already going through an episode but with this on top of it and my grandma's (who is no longer here) birthday being yesterday I feel dark. I feel lost. I feel alone. I am worried and stressed and I need to release it somehow. I need someone, someone specific. But I cannot control that that someone be there. I just wish I could take all her pain away so she could just enjoy her beautiful life. I wish I knew how to get her to realize that the feeling of self-loathing isn't always there and sometimes you get a break and realize you are worth it. If you can find the good in you, the things that make you special then you can get through your harder moments of believing you are not worth anything. I will find a way to show her this. I will. I cannot find her dead one day. I cannot get that call. I have to find a way.

Please pass awareness out about mentally ill people. Be understanding and try, even when it is hard, to empathize and give them a chance. It can be hard to tolerate. It can be difficult to deal with someone going through these things but never give up. That in itself can make that person fall from where they finally got to back to a worse time. I know it is hard and sometimes walking away from me or anyone like me seems like a better and easier bet but remember that those people are hurting. They have an internal pain that is hard to understand and is pretty uncontrollable. Of course there are ways to get better at dealing with it and we try, I believe most of us try really hard to cope and deal with it. I know I have worked extremely hard and always will. But bringing awareness to the problem is something everyone can do. Helping people get educated on what these mental illnesses do to people can bring the mentally ill more ease of access to help or at least to more helping friends and family. You can be aggravated at them, mad at them, upset with them, but just remember that they are not like you and never will be. They cannot control a lot of their feelings and it affects them deeply. Just spread some love.



Lea

Bipolar happy about divorce and Setting things straight

My final hearing for dissolution is on the 16th. I am good with getting the dissolution as I don't want to be with somebody like what my husband turned out to be. I find it sad that he blamed me for his weight gain, stress, sleep apnea and high BP. It really isn't my fault he sat on his ass all day playing video games. I guess him saying that really got under my skin because not only could he not respect me enough to not cheat, then not even tell me the truth even though I had 100% proof, but now he is blaming ME for his actions. I'm sorry but I know when people break up they try to make themselves look like they did nothing wrong and blame the other for all these things they probably didn't cause so I am not surprised he is saying it is my fault since he is super self absorbed and cannot take responsibility for his own actions.

I never force fed him the candy, chips, and whatever else he ate. Nor did I tell him not to workout or go get healthy. Actually me and his mom tried to get him off the video games so he could get off his ass and all he did was yell at us. Then of course he now is saying how I didn't 'allow' him to watch dragon ball z and didn't let him play video games. I find this quite hilarious since we used to argue because he never paid much attention to me but would sit in front of that TV and play video games all day, and while I was busy doing house work or homework he was watching his anime shows so I have no clue how that equates to me not 'allowing' him to do those things. Clearly he is a person that needs to get attention and sympathy for something that isn't actually true. It's quite pathetic that he cannot take responsibility for his own actions, and then lies on top of that accusing me of not allowing him to do things he constantly did to the point where he neglected me because he was in front of that TV all damn day unless he was going early to school to 'study' or doing his homework which he had ME help him with and edit his papers yet I was such a horrible person right.

He told me he thought I exaggerated my mental illness-which is bull shit because there are plenty of days where I wish I could feel normal. He told me how I needed to work out, and do more squats so my butt didn't sag! That one hurt. He also downplayed what was going on with my hip. He would tell me how I need to get over the pain, would send me links to stories about how pain can be all in your head, and would say I shouldn't get surgery. Well guess what? My femoral neck is not curved like it should be; it is straight and rigid with new bone growth and on top of that I have natural dysplasia (shallow socket) so I guess that was all in my head right. So I guess it really burns my britches that he said that stuff and tried telling me how I was doing it all wrong and needed to work out. Yet I did at night. I didn't do much no but I did squats, I stretched and I did do crunches right before I went to bed. I workout more now because I am so close to surgery that I need my muscles to be nice and strong. I also have been riding because I figured my bone needs to be reshaped anyway and the tear is going to be fixed so why not get out there and ride flatland bmx. I am strong yet I don't think he ever saw that in me. I may have married him for the wrong reason- because we had lost a pregnancy together- but the man I married did care, helped me get up and understood I had a mental illness and accepted it. The man I am getting a divorce from is someone I don't even know. He is selfish, lacked any empathy for me, seemed to be instigating me so not only could he hold my temper ( my bipolar temper) against me but I think also he wanted to either make me distance myself from him or he wanted to distance himself from me because he was no longer very nice to me.

Here I am going to talk about what I did wrong and take responsibility for MY actions without blaming HIM for them because I am a mature adult. I did not get back on my meds which was a bad decision because that made me feel a lot more, made me feel manipulated, made me get angry very quickly because I was irritable, and I ended up fighting with him because I felt he never gave me enough attention (I felt very neglected and alone). Yes I can be a pain in the butt because I can become very irritable, depressed, hyper, or angry. I know those things about myself and I was honest from the second we started dating. I felt so neglected that I went through a psychosis that led me to be even more paranoid about feeling manipulated, I got upset very easily, and yes I would yell. I would let him know that him playing all day on his Xbox affected me very negatively, and no I didn't always do it in a nice way because sometimes I would get so frustrated I would just yell. When my birthday came around this year sure he bought me a $75 dollar ukulele but he didn't even buy me a card until two days later when I had flipped out. I took myself out for dinner. He never did take me out to eat. He then convinced me to stay at home rather than drive through the snow to go to Sephora because I wanted to treat myself if no one else was going to (him). He said we would go the next day after my family birthday party. When we were leaving I asked if we could go and he was like 'I don't really feel like it I want to go home" but I brought up our previous conversation so he gave in. While there I picked myself up makeup and he decided to pay for some eye shadow saying " girls like makeup that should make you happy." WOW right. It amazed me how dense he was about the whole thing. On my actual birthday he had stated how he had dropped the ball and felt really bad yet got mad when I was really upset because he still had planned nothing even though he knew I was hurt so fuck yeah I yelled. It was like he waited to go on the trip I won and then was trying to instigate me to leave or something. When I got super upset about my birthday that was the first time he said I can't give anymore- How could he not give anymore if he was putting nothing into our relationship? If I asked for more attention he got livid, if I asked him to play less video games he freaked out, he maybe spent a few hours a week actually being close, but mainly it felt like he was using me to help him with his homework. It made me feel worthless to the point I slipped into that psychosis ( which is when he told me he thought I exaggerated my illness).
These last several month have been horrible and while I may have gotten into arguments because he instigated me, or ignored my needs, he is the one who made himself the way he was not me. He gained weight by sitting on his ass for more than 12 hours a day playing games which caused sleep apnea because the more weight you have on you the more likely you are to have sleep apnea. He got sleep apnea from gaining weight which caused his high blood pressure. I had nothing to do with that. He stuffed his face with whatever he wanted - I didn't force feed. He can go tell people I "verbally abused" him because I know the truth. He can't handle being told you are wrong, you are neglecting your responsibilities of being a husband, being told you are selfish and all you care about is yourself, being told that you are being an asshole because you are yelling at me for childish bs, or that you are a coward and a self absurd douche when I found out you cheated so if that's what you want to call verbal abuse go ahead and make people feel pity for you because it's pathetic.

I am not sad about the divorce because I felt so alone. I felt so stressed. I felt so neglected by the person who made vows to always be there and then said his vows weren't as serious because I changed, when really he reverted back to being a teenager who couldn't understand what a marriage meant. This is why I am happy - because I now get to have better things come my way. People who actually care for me. People who give me love and affection. People who I can trust. I am not being told I am either lazy because I have limitations, or that I need to workout more or make sure to do more squats so my ass isn't saggy. I get told how beautiful I am without anyone prompting. I don't get told "you don't get pretty for me" (meaning I hadn't put on makeup because apparently that is when I am pretty). I get told I am beautiful without my makeup on. I am free from feeling secluded. I am not getting my mental illness hung over my head and my physical conditions are not being downplayed or treated like they are in my head because my family and friends care enough to go to the doctors with me, to see what is actually happening to me and how I am doing. I know I was never truly in love with Nathan because what we had was based of a bond we made from losing a pregnancy and he became so distant that I started not recognizing him. I don't think he was truly in love with me either because when you are you accept all the flaws and perfection of a person. You accept their mental illness and if you can't you don't ask them to marry you and then all the sudden say you can't take it because vows are through thick and thin. He didn't truly love me. I heard when he first hung out with me he was acting like I was a 'trophy fuck' because I rode bmx and was pretty and whatever else so I think when I couldn't ride, nor be a baby maker, all the sudden I wasn't attractive. That isn't true love. I stuck through it even when I was unhappy because I did marry him. Even if he was the wrong man or not the man I wanted to marry or be married to I made vows. I guess these things have been bubbling under my skin and I just needed to vent. I over him because he is obviously not someone I want, nor do I find him attractive at all anymore, nor do I want to be with him because he isn't the one for me, plus he is a cheater. However, that does not mean what he says and rumors he makes don't affect me. They do. They do affect me because he can't even respect me enough to stop the games and stop being self absorbed and just wanting sympathy and empathy and pity for shit that isn't true. So that is why I wrote this. Because I get to say my side too. I get to have feelings now without having someone hold it over me. I get to feel love now from people who actually love me so I feel empowered enough to vent the last of it out no matter what anyone thinks. In other posts I didn't say everything because for some reason I didn't feel like I could or like it was my right to do before divorce but now I do because he is spitting out lies so I get to spit out the truth. Truth that actually acknowledges that I am taking responsibility for my wrong actions.


I have felt so much love from all the people around me. SO much so that it is more than I had felt from my marriage in months. I feel pretty again. I feel like no one is trying to treat me like I am dumb and they know I am extremely intelligent. No one is trying to say some bs to me that is stupid and not true like he did thinking I was an idiot. Sorry to say it but I'm smarter than you Nathan and always will be. I don't have people negating me constantly because they respect my intelligence and are not so narcissistic  that they have to be right just to be right- meaning they accept new information and don't tell me I am wrong and then spew out bs that is false, and then the second some other person sides with me finally decide to say I am right. That doesn't happen anymore because the ones that love me know I am smart and don't talk down to me or act like I am an idiot. My dear friend held me and I had forgotten what it felt like to feel such love and kindness that I cried for awhile. I no longer am neglected. I have people all around me that know me, accept me, understand me, understand my ailments and who give me love and can hold me or console me. I feel free. I feel like an empowered woman again. I feel strong. I feel like I get to shine in my spotlight now and show the world what I am made of instead of feeling so depressed I don't want to leave the house. I am motivated now and I am determined. I know what I want. I know exactly what I want. I am going to get what I want and need. I can thank Nathan for this- Thank you for being so neglectful, so selfish, and so disrespectful because it got me out of an unhappy and unhealthy situation and me into a much much better and brighter situation. Thanks for being an asshole and cheating because it solidified just how much we shouldn't be together and just how selfish you are. Our divorce is in two weeks away and I can't wait. Thank you for saying you wanted a divorce because it made my life so much better and brought me back onto the path I have wanted to be on for a long time now. I wanted it for awhile but held to my integrity. So thank you for that. I kept my integrity and you lost out on a wonderful, patient, generous, kind, beautiful, and strong woman. A woman who has so much love in her life now because she isn't secluded, or feeling secluded, that I feel only disrespected because of how you were and what you did, but now heart broken, not sad about losing you, and not upset about the divorce.

Get free from Insecurity-Dissolution from neglect

Unfortunately most time when you are breaking up with someone or divorcing someone rumors are spread and usually by the guilty party. I heard my soon to be ex-husband told his friends I cheated, which is the furthest thing from the truth! His friend ran into my eldest sister and said oh I heard she fooled around behind his back, so of course my loving sister set him straight and his friend said that it makes more sense that Nathan would cheat on me! That's his friend saying this so clearly we know my ex has a bad reputation. You know when we first started dating I heard he had a wondering eye and was a player but he had me fooled. I honestly believe that sometimes when you are not medicated you can't see through the BS. Also we got pregnant by accident two months into our relationship and lost the baby so of course we bonded. However, I feel after the second lost pregnancy he changed and became that guy I didn't know. He became more distant and was never on the same page.

I know that I never loved him like an in-love wife should after we were married and we lost that pregnancy and he started acting distant. I couldn't. I felt abandoned in a rough situation. You know we always want to seem like an angel in our past relationships but I am not going to lie. I had my break downs as a mentally ill person were I would get really really angry and we would fight. I don't and never will deny that. I really cannot control it like most non mentally ill people think. I cycle rapidly and sometimes my mind goes to distant places and turns on me. Yet he knew I was mentally ill and took vows that he would be there through it all. I had wished that we would have waited to get married after he started being more and more distant. We would have our days where it seemed like he was who I first met but then it would change back to the distancing. It made me very insecure. Before I found out the bad news on May 6th this year we hadn't had sex in two months. Now I know it's because he had found something else (someone else) to play with. I had asked if he was seeing someone else and he lied to me. I don't miss him much to be honest because he felt like a roommate more than a husband. He put a status up blaming me for his weight gain, stress, gray hairs, and high blood pressure. I am not the cause of those things. He sat for hours upon hours playing video games and snacking on bad food and once when I told him that he wasn't eating great he of course wanted to deny it, and then blamed it on me for making meals that made him fat. You know I ate it and didn't gain much weight over the last two years (I gained 5 pounds from being injured and from pregnancies) but I portioned my food I cannot help if he ate badly that is his choice not mine. I didn't make him sit on his ass all day and play video games I actually tried encouraging him to do other things or to take me out to have fun and he was always negative about it.

We would get in arguments because I felt extremely neglected because most of his extra time went to playing video games. Now I know why. He didn't care to have me anymore so instead of being a husband he distanced himself and become what he was. A person that took no responsibility for what was happening to him, clearly since he blasted to the world it was my fault. He also blamed his mom because she would by snacks that weren't healthy. She never forced it down his throat he just ate it. He stopped working out because of bad acid reflux and that is not my fault. If he was stressed it was because HE was unhappy and didn't have the courage to just tell me that he didn't want to be married anymore. I knew the last few months he didn't because of the way he was acting and talking to me. He made me feel like I didn't matter anymore and only his problems were important. I showed I cared when he was not feeling well. I bought things to try to help him feel better, or help him study better for his tests and it seems to have gone unnoticed. As for his gray hair, I didn't make that happen. He was clearly unhappy and didn't take his vows seriously, messed around behind my back, and kept HIMSELF in a relationship he didn't want to commit to plus HE was having trouble in school not me. So any of those things could cause him stress.

Yes we started arguing a lot the last several months of our relationship because it felt like he was not there nor did he care. I am very emotional at points in time and it hurt me to be not worth his time when he was married to me and he made that choice. The only reason I was kind or kept trying to work on things was because I had integrity and had known I had made vows even though I wished I hadn't when I realized our marriage was only because of a short lived bond over a pregnancy. My mom has the theory that my lack of ability to carry pregnancies become unattractive and that is one of the reasons he had no want for me anymore. That's fine. I don't want to be with someone who cannot accept who I am. I did a lot. I did my duties as a roommate and wife. I paid for a lot. We did not go on many dates and sometimes when we did it would just be Dutch (which was a lot).

I guess I am hurt because I feel that while I still tried to be a good person, even if I did have flaws, he didn't care and made that clear and is not airing dirty laundry that is very personal and shouldn't be told to the whole world. If I didn't already get disrespected enough by him being dishonest, and being neglectful during our marriage I now get disrespected by him telling lies. You know how about you just say it didn't work out and we weren't happy if you cannot man up for what you did. I feel insecure because I felt worthless in that relationship. Some blame should be on me for not being completely honest about how unhappy I was and how I really didn't want to keep that marriage because it wasn't healthy nor happy. I guess I felt that if I did that I failed somehow but now I know that it wouldn't have been that. It would have been me standing up for what I wanted and deserved. I don't deserve to stay in a neglectful unhappy marriage where my husband feels like a roommate and has become some self absorbed stranger who cared overtly more about anything having to do with him than with me.

I feel that he is incapable of really taking responsibility for much of his actions. He chose not to ride, workout, be in the marriage, be honest, get off the video games, respect me as a person he at least once kind of loved and as someone who wanted something else. I feel he had manipulated me in the past which started arguments with my mom and sister and I was not medicated and became vulnerable because I would be paranoid or easily made to feel everyone was against me. I truly believe he took advantage of that and knew what he was doing. He would have conversations with me and make me feel like I was always the one that was doing something wrong by being mentally ill, and the things he would say about me not working out were not okay. He wouldn't take the time to understand how serious my hip issue was and kept on about how I needed to workout. I have a feeling he wanted me to be much thinner and that's the only reason he said that kind of stuff. You don't tell people things like that when they are very injured, can't help it, and feel a lot of pain with too much exercise or walking and I have a hard time figuring out how much is too much and what is a trigger for my hip. My back is all sorts of messed up and he has no clue about that either. No one will truly understand what I feel everyday. It is extremely uncomfortable and painful. I found out that my hip has a tear because I was born with dysplasia of the hip- the femoral neck has a rigid and straight neck to the femoral head which causes pain, tenderness, tendonitis, inflamed bursitis, and will cause tears to happen. I also have a shallow socket which explains why my hip easily slides out of socket. Now who would really tell someone in that situation the pain is all in your head, or you need to learn to just deal with it, and you need to workout way more even though I have serious limitations now. It just gets worse (my hip and back). I will need a major surgery that will reshape my bone and fix tears in my hip and clear out debris. Yet he wanted me to be overly concerned about his acid reflux and hiatal hernia which honestly can be taken care of with the right medicine. I cared that he was feeling pain from it, but I get acid reflux from my meds and I don't make a big deal about it. I don't make a big deal about my hip and whine all day and I put up with a lot of not caring and being 'over it' from him. He used to help me up, he used to give me his arm so I could sit up and he stopped doing that awhile ago. Sometimes he would push me up by the butt but that actually hurt my hip but he would have no idea since he didn't understand where my pain was or anything about it.

I guess I need to get this all out because I am aggregated not just at him but at myself. How dare I let myself deal with that BS. I should have stood up and said this is not okay, we are not okay, you are unwilling to work on things, you cannot stand me arguing because I want affection, this is no longer a marriage but a living around each other situation where I feel under appreciated for all I have done. I should have spoke the truth a long time ago about something I have now spoke up about to someone, but I didn't. I don't think right when I am going through episodes and depression, and I can thank Nathan for making me go get help when all I wished for was death, and a want to have died with my baby. But we were not good. He was never the one I should have married. He was never THE ONE. He was never someone I was deeply in love with because he was not and is not the love of my life. He just isn't. He can't be. We did have a bond after that first pregnancy but that shouldn't have led me to marry him but it did. I felt a lot of pain mentally and physically and I don't know if I thought that marriage was a good way to get through it, or that it would all work out but I should have known. When we were coming up to the wedding date I kept feeling if we hadn't gotten pregnant we wouldn't have lasted. I should have been honest with myself and others a long time ago and I am woman-ing up and saying that that was my mistake.

Further, I have felt so worthless because of how he didn't want to give me affection, respect, love, or really understanding. I have felt so down about myself because of certain things he had said, things he didn't do, and things he just didn't want to do, making it a chore to touch me, getting irritated and saying he hated that I would bother him to rub my back when he only wanted to caress my back for a minute (who says that?), that now it is taking me some time to feel like myself again. I felt that I was inhibited and didn't act like who I am at the core anymore because I felt so worthless. It felt like him not caring meant that I didn't have any value to him. Him getting so mad over me getting upset at how much time he spent sitting in that dang chair playing those games while I was going through some serious shit showed me what meant more to him- himself and his wants. Now it is easy to say goodbye. It is easy to accept this divorce. It is getting easy to accept love that feels so foreign to me, friends taking me out to feel special, my family showing they have my back and supporting me, and all the appreciation I have for it shows how little I was feeling it for the last year and a half. I shouldn't have dealt with that. It's not all on him I should have been honest and told him I didn't want it anymore but I was too proud because I had made those damn vows and didn't want to feel a loss in integrity. But that's just me. I am that kind of person. I stay true to my word. I am kind. I am beautiful even if I am five pounds heavier, I am extremely intelligent and cannot be fooled by dumb lies and while I had been underappreciated and manipulated now I am becoming empowered again. I feel insecure at times but now thanks to all his neglect and dislike and feeling of me not being worth much I feel like I know what I want and it ain't him. It never was. He made it easy to let go. But I am rebuilding myself one step at a time. I will prosper. And Karma will be in my favor.

Thanks for reading my novel.

Lea

A Free Write By A Bipolar Woman

As many know I am going through a dissolution (divorce), and atop that my brother in laws mom is dying. It's just really all sad. I have thought through a lot and realized that who I was married to isn't who I thought he was nor was he something good for me. I will now attempt to free write my thoughts publicly uninhibited. It is not to insult anyone it is just to get what I am feeling out.

My 'husband' used to want tattoos on our wedding ring fingers and I did not like that idea. But one day he told me he wouldn't ever do that. First sign.
He reverted back to someone I did not know when he was at his Mother's house. He was a stranger to me. Definitely not the one I married. Second sign.
We bonded because I had gotten pregnant when we first got together and I honestly don't think we would have lasted if that had not happened. Part of me knew that when we got married but as my perspective on life had changed, his did not. At least not that I could tell.
I felt hurt at first when I realized he must have been with someone else. All the dots started to connect. Him fighting with me telling me he couldn't do it anymore (he always said if he was going to or did cheat he would leave me) so clearly that was sign three. Then he did it again. Sign four.
I at first was very sad about our departure from one each others' life because I had become accustomed to it but then I realized he wasn't what I wanted I felt calm and peaceful. He didn't understand me, he never cared to post about me (which seems dumb but when you love someone you usually include them in statuses here and there or post pictures of them saying look at my beautiful wife, husband, boyfriend, so on). He would want me to look at sites that told me about his issues (his hiatal hernia, or his acid reflux or whatever it may be) but yet when I wanted him to discuss with me what I went through physically and mentally it was really a no go. He never knew me. He never ever really knew me. How could he? I obviously did not know him either because I didn't think he was the person he turned out to be. Excited to get rid of me, and as I think about it I am actual okay with that. Since we had started sleeping in separate beds because our beds were apparently too small even though when we first dated we slept in a queen, and since we barely cuddled, barely made out, really never passionately kissed for a long time, and even our intimacy was gone, it only feels like I am losing a kind of friend, or a roommate. How could it feel any differently? When you are neglected and argue about attention and affection you start to become very unhappy and lonely even in a house with your supposed significant other. Getting mad at me for disliking him playing too much on a PS3 or PS4, and giving me an ultimatum - if you can't deal with it then maybe we shouldn't be together- like I am dating a teenager- you start to not feel loved, cared for , understood, or important enough.

I feel through the mistakes I have made with most of my past boyfriends that I have punished myself and become broken like a dog whose trained to kill. I will stay loyal until the end because that is my integrity. I will try to make things work, even if I do yell or become very upset for being neglected, I will still try and better myself in the hopes that the other will do the same. However, when the other does not do those things, or it only changes for a week or so you should know something is off. I felt alone. There were plenty of days I sat in 'my' room and cried for hours without him even noticing because he was too busy on his games. There were plenty of time I thought dying may be more suitable for someone like me that felt like nothing. Philosophically I do not mind being nothing in the grand scheme of things as the universe is infinite and I am but a wee dot in the picture. But when you feel like nothing in your life, when you feel like you mean nothing, when you feel like other things are more important than you, and you are no longer a priority and that makes you feel pretty worthless and  you should know that something has gone miserably wrong in your relationship. It is not healthy to feel that way, nor should you feel that way. I did everything I could because I did take vows. Even if I was unhappy I did take vows and I am a lady of my word. Through thick and thin I would have tried. Yet when what happened happened those vows were torn. Those vows were made void.

We were not meant to be and that's okay. I'm okay with that now. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because I will find my happiness without him. I will find my love without him. I will find someone who has always understood me and will always understand me, and who will be okay with who I am. Nathan said he wanted us both to get healthy-whatever that means- I know he was no longer in love with me and I had already kind of accepted that. How could I have not known. When you don't go out anymore, or you start going Dutch all the time, or you don't feel a caressing hand touch you out of joy of being by you, there is a problem. Our relationship was no longer healthy. I was very unhappy and denied it to myself because of the vows I took. I know now I made my vows to the wrong person. We made vows to one another because we bonded over a pregnancy. There is no way we couldn't have. But facing the reality of things, that is why he was in love. I feel now that because I may never be able to carry my own child, because I may not be able to give someone a family of their own DNA that he was unattached. It's funny because he wouldn't really recognize things I would do to try and look nice yet in the last few days I have been complimented on the smallest of things. Like my nails look nice, or my eye shadow is really pretty (thanks Lauren) and so on. He once said "you don't get pretty for me but you do for when you go to school" he is referring to me putting on eye shadow and all that fun stuff. But I put that stuff on all the time. But that statement made me realize something that I never said to him- that was an insult. That mean that I couldn't be at home without being all done up and mean I was getting pretty. I should have someone who thinks I am beautiful and 'getting pretty' if all I do is blow dry my hair. It's clear he was no longer attracted to me. We went on a vacation and we were not intimate that was a big sign. I feel worn by negligence because all I wanted was affection. Perhaps I have rewritten what I wrote in past blog posts but I feel this all needed to come out. I wish I had a time machine and I could go back. I also now think I understand more why I lost my pregnancies. If I had had those pregnancies go full term I would be in a huge mess right now bc it be harder to separate. It be harder to let go. Right now it's actually quite easy.

It's easy because we weren't meant to be. It's easy because we didn't sleep in the same bed so I don't feel alone sleeping by myself. It's easy because I have people that understand me around me reassuring me I am a beautiful, strong, loyal, kind person who deserves to be truly happy. Nathan was not happy either. Which also makes it easy to let go. He can find his happiness with someone else tomorrow and I would be okay because I do not need something so unhealthy in my life. He may have initiated the divorce but I was not actually going to work on anything if he had been honest with me anyway. I would have asked for one. I only said I would so I could get the respect of being told the truth. But I don't even need that. I don't need that because I am stronger than that. I don't need to waste the breath talking about it There are more important things in my life. He may go his way and I go mine. I am hurt only because of the fact that I gave my everything to someone I was 'trying' to keep loving, to someone who didn't love me like a wife. Goodbye to that mess. Goodbye to an unhappy marriage. Goodbye to a façade. I am okay. I am fine. So no reason to ever worry for me. I don't need anything in my life not worth living for. And that is how I felt. Lastly I would like to point out something my sister pointed out- When I went through my psychosis I didn't go to the psych ward because I was worried about school. I didn't want to miss classes and do poorly. What's wrong with that? I was married and I refused to go to the psych ward not because of my husband but because of school. My husband wasn't that understanding through that phase. He didn't turn in internally to maybe see what he may have been doing to my mental state by ignoring my needs. That said it all right there. When my sister said that I felt soon our relationship would come to a fork in the road and we each would walk our own path. May he find someone who he can actually love because it wasn't me Goodbye to that part of my life. Tomorrow I am filing for dissolution and I'm okay with it. I really am. I feel happy right now. I feel stable. Things are good right now besides losing my sister's mother in law. She I will miss dearly. She I will cry for. She I respected. She was tough. She was wonderful She loved her family and her husband so very much. That I will miss. I only hope when she passes in a couple days it is not painful. While her family and extended family will feel pain because we will miss her, she will never be forgotten. Not ever. She will always be loved.

I truly feel now that I had to make the mistakes in relationship choices that I have to make myself grow. To make myself into someone better, stronger, smarter, wiser, and someone who has a better perspective on what love really is. What I really want. I will grow beautifully, and I have. I have realized what makes me trigger an episode, I know what I don't want, and I know the reason for why things were in the past and now they are making sense for the future. I am thankful for my life and for further experience in life so I know what actually means something and what really doesn't.

Thank you for reading my novel of a blog again. Soon enough I will be writing about different things. At this moment this is on my mind. Soon it will be all over though.

Lea

Self Medicating; Mental Illness and Defining Who You Are.

There was a time that I had no idea who I was. Obviously I knew I was Lea, I was a decent person, and I was pretty intelligent. However, I didn't know who I was because everything felt like it was crumbling, I felt I needed attention because I thought it helped me cope with what I was going through, and I always was trying to figure out my morals, my goals, my view on life. When I found out I was Bipolar I didn't really know what to think. It made a lot of sense. I would want to be in a relationship because it made me feel more secure but then I would incidentally feel overwhelmed by the relationship, feel that I didn't know how to deal with my boyfriend when we argued, and I always felt that they were judging me because I would get so down or angry or even hyper. I remember having my ex storm out because I became so hyper-focused on a project I was doing I didn't notice him trying to talk to me. I honestly didn't even notice him leave. Granted he was pretty douchey but I didn't know how to deal with that situation. It seemed really stupid to me and immature, but I felt myself losing patience, getting angry, and being disgusted. I flipped out thinking wow how immature can you be, why would I even tolerate with this? Is it really that hard to believe I was so focused I didn't notice you standing behind me like a creep? I cannot help that this happens to me, nor is it that out of the ordinary as far as I know. The anger I felt was out of the ordinary as he really ticked me off by being so not understanding. He didn't understand much about me. He didn't realize why I would get overly upset by remarks made towards me, why I would get offended so deeply by rape "jokes", why I would get so angry at intolerant people, and why I got so offended or upset by jokes that poked at people with mental disorders. I get upset by a lot and I cannot control that. Somethings I get upset at I understand- people making jokes about rape, molestation, mental illness, pokes at people with bipolar disorder so on. I would also get very aggressive when someone I was dating would tell me to just fuck off, or get control of myself, or instigate me so badly I would rage out. It didn't feel very fair that I would get picked on by someone that was supposed to understand me. It felt awful when I would find something they did very disturbing, annoying, or just wrong and they wouldn't understand that me getting upset as I did was not because I wanted to be that upset. It makes you feel like an outsider and question if you have a right to be upset, and this led me to stay in relationships longer than I should have, to the point that it would exacerbate my issues.

When I found out I was bipolar it had made sense because I had issues with spending money (too much spending), I self sabotaged because of my impulses to do what at that exact moment felt correct (which was usually out of anger or depression or lack of caring), and I had a problem dealing with others. I just could not deal with a lot of people because I felt they just didn't understand anything, or that they were just so ignorant I didn't want to be associated with them. Most importantly I didn't like many people because I had alway felt stigmatized without understanding why. Finding out you have bouts of crying often, having a serious boiling point that caused rage, having a significant amount of pent up anger, having the feeling you should do whatever you feel like doing (which can be dangerous), and having the lowest of low depressions that made me lethargic and feel so demotivated I would skip work or quit jobs made me feel "At least I know why. At least I can understand that part of me now, and hopefully I can get it in check."

However, a big problem with being bipolar is the impulse that can be risky. I would get on meds and be doing so well. I would be able to be calm, stay pretty laid back and only have manic and mania episodes every once in awhile rather than daily, and I could get along with more people (although, I still disliked a lot of people). Yet, once I felt like I was at a good stable point I would get off my meds. For about a month, maybe two, I would still be okay and then there would come a time when it all came crumbling back down. I am not going to lie, there was a point in my younger twenties where I drank too much (around 21-22 maybe 23). I didn't drink daily, and I didn't drink during the day (like that really matters), but at night, because I have always been more of a night owl) I would drink and I would do this a few times a week. No big deal right? Most young twenty something adults drink a few nights a week until they get it out of their systems. My drinking was not like that. I drank to self medicate. I would drink because it usually brought my moods to a neutral, at least that's what I thought. It did not though. Sure sometime I would be what we call "happy drunk" but it actually made me much more hostile. I didn't really notice or I just ignored it. I didn't want to ever become an alcoholic like my dad, and that thought really scared me. But I didn't do drugs. It just wasn't part of my thought process, so I drank thinking it would move me away from the feeling of being "crazy". Being bipolar does NOT mean you are crazy but you certainly may feel that way when it is happening to you.


Eventually I realized that this was not okay. That drinking was making things worse when I was drunk. I am already impulsive at times so add drinking to that and it turns out to be a bad conclusion. Fighting as a grown adult is stupid, especially physical fighting. Getting in arguments with people you are in relationships with becomes a bigger issue than it was, and causing issues for other people. Additionally, I constantly pulled houdinis. This means that I would go out with friends and my sister and at some point I would get either very agitated by someone at the bar, or agitated in general for unknown reasons. When this occurred I would leave. I wouldn't tell anyone I was leaving and I would just disappear. Now this may not seem that bad but when you are downtown at 1 or 2 in the morning it becomes dangerous as there are a lot of creeps out. It also isn't safe to go disappearing when you are so drunk you can't see so well and you are walking around the city not really knowing where you are going to end up. I usually ended up in my bed alone, but there were times where some stranger would pull up and ask if I need a ride. Thinking I was invincible I would take the ride. I indeed ended up at home alone BUT WHO DOES THAT? I could have been in a lot of trouble or done something really stupid and regrettable. I always have to thank my lucky stars that I was lucky and never had anything bad happen to me. There is a story though that really shook me out of the drinking to self medicate.

I got very drunk at a bar and got into an argument with a co-worker who was there. I got a ride to another bar where my now ex was. I was so angry my friend behind the bar gave me the bottle of vodka (bad idea). I ended up being very wasted to the point that I started a fight with my ex. I don't remember any of this, the story I am telling is a story from those that were there. I went outside and started a fight with him, and embarrassingly I tried to hit him, and trip him (which I am not known to be violent at this point anymore towards people in a physical manner). I apparently then start screaming because he is bear hugging me trying to get me to calm down. A car with two girls pull up and I jumped into the passenger's lap and told her I was scared of what he was going to (I was screaming this). He actually did throw something at me and tried to pull me out of the car. This gave them the impression that he was trying to harm me. They drove me by my house, about a block away and I ran out (dropping my migraine meds and my phone in their car and accidentally grabbing the one girls purse.... oops). I passed out on someone lawn and was not responsive to anyone so I was rushed to the ER. I was so angry when I woke up out of this daze that it literally (and you can ask my ex or my mom) took 4 male nurses to hold me down. I had so much rage strength that they asked me if I had taken PCP. I started yelling at them that they were f*cking idiots and to check my blood for PCP. When they drug analysis showed no signs of any drugs they were not very pleasant towards me. I assume it was either because my rage strength was so great that it messed with them mentally because they needed several people to hold me down, and/or it was because I had been that vicious without drugs that it was more offensive that I wasn't on a mind altering drug. I ended up having my mom give the passenger her purse back in exchange for my phone and meds. The girl said she didn't have the meds and I am sure she thought they had some recreational use because they said "for pain", but they were drugs that dilated your blood vessels, so yea have fun with that. In the end, after three days of the worst hangover ever I realized how awful I was when I binged to escape my reality of having a manic mind.

I did date a guy who drank frequently and I would drink more often than usual when I was with him, but I usually did my trick of getting a drink and pretending to take a sip and when I brought my hand down would dump the shot on the floor (sorry bar owners). I did this because of how he reacted if I didn't want to partake in drinking or didn't want to go out. Like I said I ended up staying in bad relationships. Usually I only really drank two maybe three drinks, and only once in awhile did I let loose and drink more. However, this was not a good thing. I could have easily slipped back into that mentality I had had previously. This guy was a piece of work. He was overbearing, controlling, so insecure it was aggravating, nasty towards me, and I believe he intentionally instigated me to become super agro so he could turn the argument around on me. This didn't work because my rage was no thing you want to mess with. In the end I broke it off with him because I couldn't deal with his neediness or his manipulative games (like saying I am gonna leave you if you don't do x or if you do y.. he would do this often and throw shit all around the room and try leaving when he was sauced and I would have to sit in-front of the door for hours until he gave up. It was such a disgusting relationship I couldn't stand one more minute of it and when he said ok well I'm leaving I said okay bye, with the encouragement of someone I thought was a friend but that's another story. I was actually engaged to this guy and had months before asked him to slow it down and he flipped out on me like any alcoholic would. So we broke up a week before we were to be married and I couldn't have been happier. He of course spread the rumor that I cheated on him, which I did NOT but I didn't really care because I was away from him. He made my challenge with bipolar disorder more difficult).

Now I of course have done a lot of impulsive things like getting into relationships without thinking about it, breaking up with people very quickly and coldly, and deciding I need to do x right now, or I need to go buy x this second. I had not so much control over what I wanted, or what I thought I wanted.

I dealt with this kind of stuff for a long time. I would go into severe depressions that led to a corrupt state of mind. I would get so depressed I couldn't eat, sleep, think straight. It would cause me to be very aggressive, and in my much younger years I was violent but as I got older and learned to cope at least a little bit that kind of behavior subsided. I couldn't imagine myself doing that kind of harm unless I was defending myself.

At anyrate, when I got away from that relationship I slowly was able to get away from the bar scene. Yes I had a couple nights of getting drunk because I was trying to deal with the craziness of the situation, but I did stop drinking except for a glass of wine with dinner every once in awhile. I am to the point now that I don't drink nearly ever and to the extent that a half of a drink will get me a little tipsy.  My point is a lot of bipolar people and anxiety ridden people will self medicate and submit to awful relationships. When this happens you have to get out of the relationship because it will affect how well you deal with your disorder, and because it will cause you to self medicate more, and this can lead to dependency.

I had to come to the point in my life that I felt I was smothered, I didn't know who I was, and I didn't have the ability to cope to realize what I was doing to myself was wrong. I had neglected my intelligence and went back to college, I would stop a relationship that didn't make me happy or matter to me and I found the love of my life. Finding someone that can help you cope and can support you through your episodes is someone you want to be with. If being in a relationship is not something you want, which I did feel that way around 20 and 21, then that is fine too but you have to learn to deal with yourself. Actually even when you are in a relationship you have to learn to deal with yourself, support yourself, and instead of making yourself feel helpless or lost you need to find ways to make you feel better and encouraged.

Finding ways to deal with mental illness can be very tricky because there are times where it gets so out of hand you have no idea who you are. That usually means you are off your meds lol. Usually when I am on my meds I know when I am going overboard, or I can recognize something that has started to make me angry shouldn't be. Not everyone needs meds, some are very capable at dealing with their mental illness but for severe cases like mine it is damn near impossible. I cannot ever control the panic attacks or when they come, and I have a very difficult time bringing myself down to earth when I have surpassed the rage mode or manic depression level. The anxiety will stress you the hell out and can affect your entire day which is why I usually suggest some sort of medicine whether it be a modern medicine or an herbal supplement like valerian root (which smells like farts and you usually need two at least to combat a panic attack), these will calm you so that you don't lose focus all day. I know that when I start to panic all I focus on all day is how I was panicking, what if the panic attack comes back, and so forth. I have accepted this as part of my being and embarrassed it by letting people know that I get these attacks and sometimes I need support because they overwhelm me. Communication goes a long way. So don't be scared to admit your issues, and don't be scared to ask for help, tell your professor I need an extention I am having some issues mentally (they usually do make exceptions for you), and tell your family so that they can understand and help. This also allows them to realize why sometimes you may act out or seem overboard but by knowing what's going on they will realize you aren't trying to burn bridges.

I have come to realize who I am. I am a beautiful young woman (I used to see myself as a complete wreck of a person), I am an intelligent being (I had times were I thought I was just so dumb because I couldn't control myself and didn't know why), I have a very amazing mind that does have a compulsion but one that makes me want to learn things fully and thoroughly and if I don't read all the information I want I feel like I can't focus, I am stronger than I think (I always felt weak because of my mental illness but really it is just a part of me that I can make use of rather than look at it negatively), I love wisdom, ethics, helping the needy (which helps with my deep depressions), giving love to others because it makes all parties feel nice, I am very empathetic towards animals to the point where I will cry if I see one being harmed, I am a person that loves music as a form of therapy, I am a person that is so passionate that I get very involved in my projects, and I am not a push over. Now maybe this all sounds narcissistic but it is a coping mechanism to see the positives in yourself, and describing who you are. I know I want to help others, I want to defend those that are left behind, and those that are stigmatized (mentally ill, certain races so on). These things give me perspective on what I want to do. By having this perspective I can the courage to not just impulsively stop because things get overwhelming, which I used to do frequently. You have to come to realize that you are smart, and amazing, and special. That your mind is different but that doesn't mean it has hindered you. By having encouraging goals and thought about who YOU are teaches you ways to deal with life while being mentally ill. And here you can find support from me and maybe some good advice.

I know this was another long one so if you made it down to this point thank you. I hope this helped you in viewing life through a different perspective. Please feel free to leave comments or ask for advice or whatever.

Thanks

Lea Silva

Insider's Perspective Part Two

I left off my conversation in the last post on how I had to endure a second ectopic pregnancy, and how two months prior I took myself of my meds. The second pregnancy was not as far along as the first, and I had high hopes for this pregnancy. Although I had been spotting but I didn't think much of it. When I went to the ob/gyn I found out my numbers were really low, my hcg was at 90.Because I am high risk they checked my levels every other day because they should double. Well they never did double, they just stayed at 90. We though I may be miscarrying because of the bleeding (remember the first time I had bled internally) but the day my next appointment was to see the doctor I started to feel very ill, faint, started to feel very bad cramping, and the memory of the first pregnancy was haunting me. I waited for the appointment rather than going to the ER which worked out well because my doctor did an ultrasound and found the pregnancy right at the end of my tube by the ovary. He told me to go to the ER right away and he would be there shortly to do the surgery. This time my tube was salvageable. He made sure to clear out any scare tissue and a few months later he pushed dye through the tube and since it passed through it means I still have at least some possibility to get pregnant.

Losing this pregnancy sent me into another deep manic episode. This time it wasn't nearly as bad, probably because I had endured this loss before but it made me feel helpless like I will never be able to have kids on my own without some scientific technology to help, or without adoption.

Now many people would recommend a surrogate who could carry my egg fertilized by my husband's sperm but I absolutely refuse to do that. This is probably my bipolar, and ocd side coming out. If I even think about another woman being able to carry my baby to full term it ignites an anger and sadness in me that I don't normally encounter. Just typing it is making me agitated. So why is that, what is going through my mind? Well I feel that a strong amount of jealousy would wash over me because this person can actually carry pregnancies and feel MY baby growing and moving. I would feel deep resentment towards that person because they got to feel the baby, feel it hiccup, kick, roll, and so forth and I would sit on the side lines wishing I knew what it felt like to have my baby inside me, not her. Maybe that seems selfish or ridiculous because it is a very good option for those who cannot get pregnant but to me I know I would be whirling down the dark staircase.  I would despise the world, and my body and not find any enjoyment because of it. That is simply the way my brain works. Plus I would be even more angered if I got the crazy person that believed since they carried MY EGG and my husbands sperm that it is somehow still also her child. You know why people feel that way even though it isn't there biological child? Because they bonded with the baby through the pregnancy, and thus is why I cannot bear to think about it. I wouldn't get that bond someone else would. Weirdly adoption I would encourage more because while it may not be my biological child it is a child I want and I want to love, a child who was abandoned or given up because the mother knew it be better off. Yes someone still got to feel the pregnancy but I didn't have to sit by and watch it, and it wasn't my egg and sperm that I couldn't carry, it would be a baby that needed a loving home that was already created. There are so many babies that need homes that adopting, rather than using a surrogate, seems much more harmonious with how I deal with things mentally.

Back to the main point- Last summer is when I lost the second pregnancy, and this time video games were not really there to help. I certainly read a lot, and wrote a lot in journals scattered here and there, but I mostly laid on the couch not wanting to do a damn thing. I was so depressed again and I didn't want to have to talk to people about it, or really acknowledge or deal with it. I would snap at little things, small comments made that were meant to be jokes I took deadly serious. It was awful. Sometimes I would just sit and cry, and while it was partly due to losing the pregnancy it was also partly due to the fear of others dying because of all the people I had lost over the last couple years, and then partly because I didn't know how to cope with my mental illness but wasn't willing to admit it. That same year, on January 3,2013 my uncle Ron, who was like a dad to me and had always been there, had died in front of our house, in his car, due to a heart attack. So over the summer I obsessed a bit over the concept of death and what life actually meant.

It made me so curious about what death actually is and how much someone, even my fetuses, felt pain when they died. Did they realize what was happening, at least instinctually? Does their energy just disburse or is it more than that? I know scientifically matter just re-disburses so we could have some of President Washington's atoms inside us, but I think the question of whether something happens to you at death or not is always on a person's mind when someone close dies, even if they say they are atheist I am sure they still sometimes wonder if they are wrong, or if science just hasn't realized what takes place.

These kinds of thoughts running through your mind all the time drag you down into a lethargic, haunting place. It really is quite hard to get back up the ladder, and even harder to deal with little annoyances. I do not know how many times I was super snippy and short during telephone calls or regular conversations. I just didn't want to talk to very many people. I felt left alone by everyone except my husband Nathan. Yea my best friend would try and get me to hangout but I felt like everyone forgot that I was still trying to cope with life. It's like this- If something bad happens to you, and let's assume you are NOT mentally ill, it takes some time to cope but you move one. If something bad happens to me it drowns my brain in depression, anger, grief, annoyance, and very little happiness or enjoyment. Then think of those around you- sure they recognize something bad has happened to you and may even realize that you have a hard time coping due to mental illness but after a couple days, maybe a week or two, they don't think about it much, if at all, anymore. They coped faster because it didn't happen to them, or did not affect them like it does for the mentally ill. This is very aggregating because they forget that you may still be fragile about certain subjects, or make jokes that aren't very funny to you because somehow they remind you of how awful things have been, the dark cloud around you, or the bad event(s) that have happened. Worse still they may also make you feel guilt or bad because you are more distant or don't want to talk for long periods of time, or because you can be very irritable, but guess what? That's just how it is with bipolar people sometimes. You may think well she looks happy and active today, (maybe for a few days), but you don't realize that we cycle through episode so one week, month, maybe just even one day we are manic, and the next day, week, month we are going through mania (hyper, sometimes aggressive, shopping a lot or doing things that aren't that safe or that rational), and then all the sudden we may stabilize for a period of time.
 
Panicking all the time is embarrassing too. The losses in my life have caused me to panic about losing others when I think about how x will die someday, or I panic driving because if I lose control someone could die, or in social places because I fear being around these people and them judging me or getting on my nerves, or prying too much etch. It can be humiliating when you start to shake with anxiety, or start sweating, or even crying and there isn't much you can do besides find a bathroom to be alone in, go home, wait it out, or take an anti-anxiety med if you can. When I lose someone close I tend to have more panic attacks, and when I lost the pregnancies sometime I would panic seeing small babies because I would start thinking how I may never have kids, and what if Nathan would leave over that (he wouldn't but that doesn't stop the panicking).

So it can be difficult and frustrating because others don't understand why you are so inverted, irritable, crying for 'no reason', or just not able to be social or diplomatic. When traumas happen we tend to fold inward and our brains just don't want to deal with other people's stuff because it is having a hard enough time coping with it's own stuff. Being patient may be off the table too. It becomes overwhelming especially when people expect you to do certain things, or act certain ways, or 'get over it already'. I tend to not have very many friends because of this. It can be extremely taxing to have to leave the house and be 'friendly' when you are exhausted from being maniacally depressed and agro.

For all of you out there with bipolar disorder and panic disorder all I can recommend is to try and stay on your meds, be honest when you are feeling manic or mania, and I tend to put things around rooms that are unbreakable so if I get too upset or too angry I can throw them and they won't shatter. For panicking I suggest keeping a rubber band on your gear shift in your car, and one in your purse, wallet or on your wrist. When I start to panic snapping the rubber band against something or my skin can sometimes help bring me back to reality, or at least make the panic attack have slower onset. I have come to realize I don't have control over my moods or my anxiety and I have to accept me for me. I have to be honest with people that it affects and I have to talk about it or I become too overwhelmed. I need meds to control it but I also know I have a tendency to think "I'm fine, I don't need these" or "these meds don't do anything". I realize how wrong I am once I get off them and the cycles starts again about a couple weeks to a month later. I should know better because even on my meds I still go through episodes and panic attacks, just not as bad.
For those who don't have this mental illness, or one at all, take these words seriously. My blog is not a joke and it may seem scattered but that's just the way it comes out. Support is needed when a person is being tried by his/her disorders. Joking, or insinuating that they can just stop feeling that way or acting that way is hurtful and harmful. Just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it cannot be real. I know it may seem hard to accept these things because they aren't seen, you cannot just take an x-ray of the mind and say oh they are bipolar. It's mental and I think a lot of people equate that to meaning "it's all in your head and not real so just find a way to stop". It's just not that easy and a lot of neuronreceptors are in play. But I should stop here because this has turned into a book. I suppose it makes up for not writing a post yesterday! Thanks for reading, please pass it on for mental illness awareness.

Lea Silva

Diagnosis, and the 'Episodes'

There are millions of people out there suffering from some sort of mental illness be it depression, some sort of anxiety, OCD, schizophrenia, sociopath, psychopathy, PTSD, ADHD, Bipolar disorder, and so forth. Do you ever wonder what those people must be feeling? I certainly do. Are they feeling like I felt in my teens when I had no idea why I acted the way I did. I was told by friends and some family members that it was because my dad wasn't there, or because my father had had a temper but I knew that could not be it. I felt lost in a big world with a brain I didn't understand. When bad things came my way, no matter how big or small, it changed the way I felt instantly. I thought I was broken, something was wrong with me. I broke phones, glasses, pans, windows, my wrist, toes (from kicking things), hurt others with my vicious words, and struggled. I still struggle daily but at least now I know why and that makes it a little easier. I have learned to cope with having mental illness, and I have learned to be humble and apologize. I will never be able to stop myself from fixating on one thing that hurt me, or feel so hurt I fall deep down, and I won't be the typical average 'non-mentally ill' person (whatever that may mean). I will always struggle to hold my tongue, focus my mind on not raging or getting angry, and my greatest fear is I will never learn to cope with dealing with work everyday. I have a hard time coping with school 4 days a week, so I fear not being able to do what I want in life (unless I find a way to do it at home). I am going to present here a tale from my life that affected me forever. An event that affected me and caused my 'episodes' to start. While I am positive bipolar disorder is just in my genetic code because I have done therapy for this specific part of my life several times, I do believe this set me off earlier than if this hadn't happened. I am opening up on something I HATE talking about so please no harsh commenting, and at the end of this post you will understand why I telling you this. So here goes it.

As a young girl I was raped. I was 12 and he was 24. My friends and me went to a friend of a friends house and I had my first 40 (big mistake kids to think you are ready for that when you are not). In the end I was left passed out in some strangers bedroom. I awoke to a man, who was much bigger and stronger than me, maybe 6 Ft or so, on top of me. I looked around panicking, not knowing what I should do. Do I yell? If I yell he might hit me. Do I try and run? No he will probably hit me. And that's the answer I just kept coming to. My 12 year old body was drunk, and was so trapped and afraid of what was about to happen. Trying with all my might to get up from under him and I just felt paralyzed. Holding my one wrist he ended up getting the clothes off below the waist and here I am frozen in terror. I felt so horrified. I remember tears coming down the side of my face silently. I could muster up only the courage to say this "I'm a virgin please don't hurt me". The sick bastard smiled at that. I won't ever forget that look. EVER. My wrist was released but I had no power. My tiny short body was stuck under this disgusting piece of s**t. I wanted to die. I tried pushing him off me but realized the more I fight the more he will fight and I just waited. I waited to be set free. When I was I b lined my way out of that house. Dazed and not really knowing what just happened, what I should do, and where exactly I was I just started walking.

The worst part was I didn't want to say anything because I felt humiliated. I felt like nothing. I felt that what was special about me wasn't special anymore. I didn't know what to tell my friends, and I definitely did not know what to tell my mom. I simply said I lost my virginity to friends and mindlessly answered questions and the whole time I was doing this the image of me dying was in my mind. The image of me, at 12, dying was all I saw. I was so mortified I feared telling my friends the truth. I don't really know why but that's how I felt. My mom figured it out. I asked 'Do tampons break your hymen?" She immediately knew something was wrong. She asked me "Did you have sex?" I swallowed my vomit and said 'kind of'. She was starting to get the point. When I told her he was 24, told her my friends got me drunk, told her 'no I don't know if he wore a condom because I was not awake when he got atop me', she flipped like any mom would and took me to the police station.

I tell this story because this is what I thought caused all my issues. I'm sure it caused a lot, and I am sure it slowly formed my panic disorder, and my rage that usually is worse with men  but I do not believe it is what caused me to be bipolar, it only made my episodes worse. I look at my younger sister who is 12 and think about how tiny she is. She is strong, but she is tiny. She is a child. She is so innocent. Her skin has not met time yet and her body has not even taken shape yet. I am 28 and I look at her and see a baby. How any 'man' could look at a young child like that and watch them get drunk and then rape them is far past my ability to understand.

When I first saw a psychologist he asked me if I had every been abused in anyway and I shortly said yes, I was raped. I refused to talk about it because it always would throw me into an 'episode' as my mother would say. He backed off the subject and discussed how abuse affects the mentally ill, how holding it in exacerbates it, and how to try and combat my rage. Note: I went to a doctor finally because I was raging out on everyone so I needed help.

I had come to realize that I CANNOT let that disgusting worthless pos take me down. I may always have to deal with bipolar disorder and panic disorder, but I can get some control by not letting his actions control my outlook.

It took me a long time to realize that even though I can be absolutely nuts sometimes, that I do not deserve bad treatment, that I don't have to turn a blind eye to a douchebag boyfriend cheating, and that even with my crazy moments my mind is wonderful and I can offer something to this world because of my experiences. I can tell my story and hope it helps others. I know that what happened to me is awful but by working through it I helped my coping skills. Much more has happened to me since then that was not pleasant but it gave me perspective.

I sometimes do wonder though how would I be if that hadn't happened to me? Would I have lived differently? Would I have chosen the path I did as a teen? Would I have had such a bad bipolar break and panic disorder?

I answer these questions as such:

If that had not happened to me I may have lived a life without actual knowledge or understanding of what people are capable of. We all hear these stories and all see news videos of gruesome events but most of us think that will never happen to me, or we see it, recognize it, but have this strange habit of not really thinking of it as real. I dealt with this in reality so I have an inside perspective. I have more empathy for victims of all sorts of crimes, which makes me try and be moral and kind. However, my knowledge of this kind of abuse led me to realize how awful this world can be. Because I can empathize so much when people are mistreated I feel deeply. This deep feeling is ignited by bipolar disorder and I drown into a manic state. So deep I won't leave the house or I will go MIA and not talk to anyone but my mom and husband. So maybe if this hadn't happened my manic stages wouldn't be so severe, but I learned I have to find silver linings or I will become very sorrowful. So I am able to see the world in a different way than most; I see the world without blinders and that makes it easier for me to connect the dots in life.
This awful experience caused me to delve deep into my academics as a young teen. However, even though I was offered several full ride scholarships I turned them down. I was not ready. I had too much going on in my head and I had no clue what I would even go for. I ended up taking a couple classes here and there at the community college and hated it so I stopped. I worked under the table and learned a lot about what really happens in this world and not just what media wants us to think, or what materialistic people see. The world can be disgusting, greedy, addicted, and dirty but can also be moving, kind, and beautiful. Through this stage in life I could not control my illness. I would have 'episodes' all the time. I didn't like staying at one job for too long, hated working on a specific schedule, and hated having a boss. I couldn't cope with it. I was so dysfunctional. The psychiatrist put me on Abilify and Cymbalta which just put me into a sedative state, while the Cymbalta caused another manic episode. I soon learned I needed out of my real life lifestyle. I needed to get away from the guy I was dating who made me go crazy, and I needed to let my intelligent mind work.
I went back to university with a scholarship (6 or so years after high school I still got the scholarship). I have been to so many doctors trying to help me mentally and physically and I had seen the discrimination first hand.

I'm sure I am not the only tattooed bipolar person that has been drug tested with no reason to even suspect abuse (I never failed any of them). I also felt I was sometimes treated poorly or condescendingly because I was bipolar. One doctor refused to listen to me about how sick I was feeling and he insisted it was anxiety and a mania stage. I of course flipped out and he of course dickishly said "see it's just your bipolar disorder". The next day I had emergency surgery to get my appendix removed because it was about to burst. So my intentions are to advocate for patients via ethical systems. I am sick of feeling like I need to keep things hidden, or like I will be stigmatized or discriminated against just because I need specific meds. I don't want anyone to deal with all of the BS I have dealt with. I want to advocate for the mentally ill, especially when it comes to bipolar disorder as so many people have asked "oh come on are you really bipolar? I think that is just an excuse. Bipolar disorder isn't real is it?" That always hurts and reminds me why I like staying inside. But as my panic disorder progresses and I cope with rapid cycling bipolar I find myself more determined to tell people all about my experiences. It may take forever but if this helps one person it is worth it. If one person can learn what it feels like to deal with this it will be worth it. Every experience that drives my anxiety or throws me into an 'episode' gives me more perspective. Learning to deal with doctors is important too. So while I have here written a novel, it was to show that while many find it hard to express their problems, experiences, or how they were abused and how that affects them, that letting it out is helpful. It is calming. I find some peace from my minds antics when I write and I find sanctuary in books and others' writings about their experience. I am here to support anyone that needs it. I am writing to help myself and hopefully others. I am here to show those who think its not real, or an excuse, that it is more complex than they can imagine. And I want to write this so those that have someone who deals with bipolar disorder and/or panic disorder can maybe get an inside look on how we think, our process in thought, how we link things together, and perhaps then understand why certain things put together can make us snap. I wrote my long story today to shed some light on how I process when I am manic, to see how far I have come (or maybe not lol), and to recognize what is on my mind that I didn't realize was even causing my depression today.

I know this was long so thank you for reading this if you made it down to here
Pass the links to the posts along to those who may not understand bipolar or panic disorder but need to, or to those who are having a hard time coping. I am more than happy to try and give advice. Thanks

Lea Silva