The BIPOLAR bear is misunderstood. Can I say ANYTHING? I need help

Once in awhile, in the middle of the night, I wake up and do not know where I am. I simply think I have been awakened from some coma of life and now, just like that, everything changed just by opening my eyes. That is terrifying sometimes. Maybe it's because I do not know who I am so I do not know where I am in my own life. Can you imagine? Of course, well probably, because I assume that a lot of people feel this way. 

Is it hard being honest with yourself? I think so, at least sometimes. Maybe even most times. Look at the sky and the universe. How is my little existence even important. Especially when my species ruins everything, and I mean everything. Our emotions can be so out of control that we destroy things within a few measly words. How insane is that! So why does that happen? I don't get it. What difference does it even make? Why then should we say anything? If I say why I am upset to someone since I no longer am willing to keep my feelings inside and hide in some mask that says "I swear I am normal", why does that automatically mean that the person will be defensive? Now of course we are all that way, well most of us. It is our human nature. I get upset like that too. We are mad we hurt someone. So we find a way to make that person feel hurt because they just hurt us by their honesty and this is called the defense. 

Why can we not simply handle the fact that we upset someone? I mean even if they are upset and it seems so silly to us or not worth it, why do we get so upset? Because if the tables were turned we would be aggravated that they were getting upset with us for being defensive. So why do we even do it. Yeah human nature and all but don't we have a mind that we can use to calm ourselves and think rationally for one moment without assuming that person is trying to change us, or annoy us, or only get what they want, or the always "why can't they just get me" defense?

I would like to think so since I have met so many people that are so much calmer than me and not too much seems to get them defensive. Now do not get me wrong, there are times when someone is upset because they do not understand and so it does seem silly to us, or they are upset over something that seems ludicrous- like "Oh I went out with my friends and now your upset at me?" or "I didn't do this task exactly as you do it so now your mad and think i am an idiot?". That happens. But if we dig deeper do we see maybe why a person feels that way? 

Not communicating can be a trigger of course. That is usually always mine. I HATE IT when a person refuses to tell me anything. It drives me mad. If that person could say why they can't tell me at that moment i.e. "I am angry and I do NOT want to discuss this. I promise I will talk when the time is right", that would be okay. Not everyone is like me so other people have their triggers for the so called ludicrous upsets above. I always wonder what is in that person's past or what is going on a little deeper that they feel that way. I cannot say I am a saint and ask that question in the middle of one of those kinds of arguments, nor can I say I even ask myself "why do I REALLY feel this way" because I am just upset at that moment. 

We all have those moments right? But what do you do?

I have held so much stuff in in the past that I simply refuse to not be honest. I do not care how crazy it sounds, how annoying it may be, or whatever, because me getting it out is the only way my brain can then function on a 'normal' level. I also think that when someone states "I never complain about you, I just like who YOU are" they are just not being honest. There is always SOMETHING that is annoying to that person. Me being honest and outright is usually the case because I am not always elegant in the way I word things or how I present them or my timing. Especially my timing. I just say it. I say it. I do not need to think about it because if I do then I will probably end up just holding it in instead. That is NOT okay.

However, what sucks is that people want honesty, or at least they say so, or they say they care, but when you say what is hurting you, making you angry, sad, happy even then somehow it turns on you. What you just said can now hurt them. You are upset and now because of that they are now hurt in return. Like I said above this happens. I believe this reaction is due to not wanting to hurt someone you care about but you are then upset you upset them and that person made you know you upset them that it is time to flip it. This is the usual line of action here "Well if you don't like who I am why are you with me?" or "I am not you so I cannot be you" but that isn't what we are ever asking is it? Well maybe for some people I would think that is exactly what they are asking but most I think are not. I am not when I talk. I ask to work on things sure but that does not mean any of those responses. But it's hard. You do things, you say things, you act certain ways and sometimes others do not get it so you get defensive because to you it is like why the hell don't they just leave it be or accept it or get over it. It's not really that simple.

As I said above when the tables turn the one who was frustrated and defensive, who is now upset, is sitting there asking the defensive one "why can't you accept my feelings?" "why can't you try and understand me now?" but did you try to get them when it was reversed?

So is there anything anyone can EVER really say? When someone is upset because of something someone else did or did not do does that mean that they aren't considering the other person, or is it that they both need to consider each other. Stop saying you are trying to do this or you don't realize I am here too and I matter too because that can turn into a reverse where the upset one doesn't matter now because you don't want to hear it. 

So it seems like there is NEVER anything you can say unless that understanding that I just stated is there. But can it ever be? I don't know. All I know is I need communication. That's what I think a lot of people simply want. To know what is happening, why someone did this or that, why someone said this or that, why someone blah blah, you get it. I don't think that takes a lot to do but it seems pretty hard to do at the same time right? 

Forever I hid myself from people. I wouldn't communicate what aggravated me or what was going on in my brain and one day I would get dangerously close to wanting to leave this world. I would find a way to convince myself otherwise because I have people I love. I have things I love. Sometimes even then though it was hard to turn around. To just keep going. I do not know that anyone will ever truly understand how that felt for me. Or what that felt like specifically for me is what I should say. And I don't know that I could ever truly explain it either. Would it matter anyway? Would that suddenly give an epiphany to those who don't get to where, when I speak, they just understand? No. Probably not. 

Now it's truth time for me.

When I say how upset I am or why, or both, I feel constantly that whoever I am talking to, be it my closest family and friends, or distant friends, that I am being judged. CONSTANTLY. My emotional scale varies and I am different thanks to being bipolar. When I feel I FEEL. When I get upset it may not seem right to anyone else how upset I am so I am being judged. I know that I can be looked at like I am CRAZY but I don't believe that is fair. I cannot help the way I feel nor will I hide it anymore. I am this. I simply want to be able to say "this is what is happening inside me, will you communicate with me please so we can get through this so this stops tearing me up inside?" It can be so hard for me to talk in the first place because of this feeling of judgement. I don't know that the people I talk to actually are doing that but I have been judged so harshly and told so many nasty things for trying to be honest that it is ingrained in me. 

Every time I want to say "look this hurt me" I constantly remember how certain someones have looked at me, spoken to me, treated me, when I needed to talk, to be calmed, to be loved, and what I got in return was non-acceptance. I constantly am aware of my flaws. I am NOT perfect. I am NOT close. I am AWFUL sometimes. I can fly off the handle. I can become so angry I break things, and not just typical I have a reason to be angry angry but more like this small thing just happened. It set me off. Now I am raging for barely anything and I have no idea how to stop it. However, I have worked very hard, and I mean very hard, to deal with this. I have had help to train myself to leave the room when this happens. To go let it out with tears or by throwing unbreakable things, or paint, or write. But I have not learned yet to cope with the fact that I get judged sometimes when I speak the truth. This happens with a lot of people. I can be in a class and someone says something so outrageous and ignorant (to me at least) that I argue (argue in the non-fighting way like a philosopher should) but I can get very weird looks because I get so passionate. I'm being judged. Right there. In a class where I am SUPPOSED to argue. 

When you have dealt with people who you thought loved you on some level who have made you feel that you shutting up and being hidden is better and you overcome that, telling how you feel is difficult. Anyone who feels judged ever can, I am sure, attest to that. 

I do not think I have ever truly kept myself open to my own self. When I got divorced I said "I will move past this and it will be okay". I even thought quickly I was okay. I wasn't. And I think this is the first time I have said that to anyone. I am STILL mad. I do not love him. I do not want to have anything to do with him. So much so that I keep getting a hold of his mom to pick the rest of my stuff up and then I never show. I do not want any reminder because I was so hurt. This affects me still. I still have trust issues. I trust many people but that does not mean it is easy. He was not the only one to break my trust. My father broke my trust and I will never forget it. He is dead now. We actually got to talk before he died but I won't ever forget the dagger to my back. I have also abused my trust from others. I cannot deny that. I hurt my sister very badly once and I won't ever forget that moronic move in my life. That still affects me. That still makes me feel guilty. But what is disgusting to me is there are people who are not like me. Who don't feel that kind of remorse for doing something so distrustful and distasteful. They do not care. They cannot even admit it sometimes that they mislead you or betrayed you. Now that sucks a lot. I need honesty. I need communication. I literally need it because otherwise the trust I am trying to recover won't ever be built if I do not have that. And it is not the people's around me fault. It's not. However, I believe that when you love and care that you can do those things for people to help them. To get through things. To help them deal with things that are hard to move past.

I did not want to love the person I am with that is how scared I am of trusting someone. I did not. I avoided him and I tried to not like him and it was impossible for me. Now I cannot imagine him being gone. And maybe, maybe not, he will always be here, or maybe he won't like dealing with me and he simply won't. I don't know.  But I know I let myself trust him. And it wasn't him it was me who had to let myself do that. Now no one has to understand that and some may interpret it like "well if you can't then blah blah" but that is on ME. It is on me to allow the trust to be built. I went through a lot and I need to learn to build trust. I need help though and I cannot deny that. I need always to be honest. And I am. Sometimes probably too frankly but that is how I am. I am socially inept sometimes and I do not know the right way to do it. But I am working on it. And I will always need it in return. I need it with him, my mom, my sisters, my aunt, my friends, etc. I will never lie down and let myself drown again. FOR ANYONE. NEVER. I know though that those people won't let me. I also am not delusional and know if they don't want to deal with it, or deal with me, they don't have to. They can ignore me. Or just leave me be. But I would hope, and feel I know them to the point they wouldn't. 

But I need to tell them something. It's important. And I do not need you judging me.
I am NOT on my meds. I have not been on them in months. They made me foggy, forgetful, unmotivated, and felt like they were hurting me more than helping. I have to take so much stuff to keep my body in check already that those meds made it too much. I wanted to learn to deal with myself. I wanted to learn to always be honest. To deal with me overreacting sometimes. To being overly depressed sometimes. I wanted to feel again. I just did. Those meds were good when I went through what I did last year. I was scared to go off of them because everyone will tell you not to and you always need them. But I want to feel. Those meds stopped me. I didn't need to be honest, I didn't need to hide, because those meds took all of it away. ALL OF IT and not in a good way. Things started to seem so pointless to me. They seemed awful, boring, and dull. I was getting angry because of this. They did a reverse on me. But I withdrew from them and all the sudden there was life, not a dull background mundane non-existence. I am sorry if this makes me more emotional and perhaps harder to deal with but I need to feel things. I need to see things in my perspective not some drugs perspective. I need to be able to read and remember. Learn and enjoy. Love and feel it. 

If you don't want to handle me being emotional I never asked you to do it against your will. If you don't want to listen to me I never asked you to do it against your will.
If you don't want to hang in there with me while I go through whatever I am going through you do not have to. But just let me know that.

I am bipolar. I am a carousel of emotions. I am up and down and down and up. I see things differently than a lot of people. I feel things in a different way that seems crazy to others. I think it is why sometimes I can be so intelligent and diligent. Or why I can see details others don't. Why I can see plot holes, or holes in lies. I think it is why I can be so honest about how I am feeling. Because I need to. I think it is why I can be artistic in different ways or see the beauty in things that others don't see. Why I can see several perspectives at once. Why I can be understanding because of seeing those perspectives and then flip and get upset the next second. I also do not need it to be an excuse. I simply am what I am. I have worked on many things about myself that I did not like, that others did not like, that were ruining my life and I am always okay with that. I need work. Who doesn't? But I am willing, I just need help.

I am very upset with some people to this day even though it is in the past. It is not easy to deal with certain things in the capacity that I did. There have been things that I think that most people would think I am crazy for. What they did, without consideration for anyone else, or maybe they did but glazed over it, was not okay. What they did changed me. Changed my perspective. Changed how I cope. It was that hard for me. Knowing what I went through with certain people and how viciously they turned on me burnt my core. And now I have to deal with the repercussions of those actions and the people around me do to because of its affect on me.  

How do you not let those things affect you? I don't think you can. I don't. No one knows everything about me. Not one single person in the world knows everything about me. No one knows everything that has ever happened to me good or bad (especially bad). NO ONE. I would hope NO ONE would ask me to tell them all. I would hope, however, through their love and understanding they would help me as I would for them.  That they would not need to ask why but would say okay. They have done this when I needed it. They never asked me questions twice if I did not want to answer. I am alone sometimes though. I am so very alone. I think I hate most when I want one specific person to be there and they can't or won't. It could be anyone that I feel I need but then they aren't there. Or they don't know what to do or they don't want to be there. I am too much for some people I suppose. Or maybe my honesty or my past hurts are too much, I am not sure. I would like to think I am generous and kind, and I am always here, but I can be weird. I can station myself in my room for days, or weeks, only wanting contact with certain people. But I am there even in those moments when someone needs me. I am good with people usually except when I am upset. That's when things get so flustered and then people get defensive, unresponsive, confused, or are simply there and help. 

How am I to do this? How am I to figure out all of this, all of my tiny life, all of my happiness and failures? What am I supposed to do? If I cannot be upset or ask for help or ask for someone to talk to, and if I am accused of not accepting someone because I am upset then doesn't that mean they can't accept me as I am because I do get upset and am honest? I am not all just that. I am also happy plenty of the time. I like to believe I try and have fun and have interesting arguments and conversations with whomever wants to talk philosophically or otherwise. I feel I am loving, very much so. I would sell everything I ever owned if it would help my family if they needed it. I would be there broke helping out whoever if they needed me to take care of them. I will listen and love and care. Maybe too much. Maybe that is part of what I am and maybe that comes with being bipolar. Lots of things come with being bipolar. One thing it doesn't come with though is a handbook for those around you to learn to understand you. Or a handbook on why I may react a certain way. I mean there are those damn medical books that make you think they know all this stuff. Have you ever read one? I feel most of them are full of SHIT. I feel that most of them make it seem like most of us bipolar bears need super medication forever because without it we are out of control!!!!! Or because a doctor thinks he knows a mind so well that he can be an authority on yours specifically even though he has talked to you once. The trying to be simple over complicated deductions about what bipolar is, how to react when we get upset, how to do this and that, what to expect. Perhaps, because stereotypes are there for a reason right? But I would say perhaps not because none of us are alike. Not that alike anyway. I have one book about it that I am slightly okay with and loaned out. But I don't think you can ever explain it. I don't know that you can ever say to someone I think or feel differently in a capacity where they won't look at you like "duh everyone does". When I say I see and feel differently I mean it. Not just as an individual but as something else. 

I am sure people with other mental illnesses can attest to is. We can say all we want we understand what PTSD is, or read a book that says 'what to expect', 'how to deal', 'what to do with a loved one when they have an attack', but I, a person without PTSD, will never know what it is like regardless of how many books or times I try and get it. I won't. Because they see and feel and remember differently than me. They work differently. And to them I work differently. 

I feel it is time to conclude my long novel here. I am not done. But who wants to read this much these days? Barely anyone. I do. But no one is me. So I guess I want to ask for you to help me understand and help me cope, please. 

Lea

An Unknown Psychosis

Sorry I have not written in awhile, I have just been so disturbed by my thoughts lately, and atop that I have been busy studying for finals. I did finally see my psychiatric Nurse Practitioner who decided to up my Klonopin (for which I am eternally grateful for because I was having a bad time with anxiety), she put me back on Lamictal, and now I am to take 600mg of Seroquel a day. I hate that I have to use medicines  to help me get back on track but what's a girl to do when she cannot control her mood disorder? I am mentally ill and I needed help getting back to a neutral state.

There is this lady on my Facebook that has been bothering me a bit. She keeps posting that Bipolar meds are addicting and that I should just pray to Jesus. Then I posted a picture, which I will upload here, that I drew and she told me I needed Jesus. Now look, I have no problem if anyone believes in the Abrahamic religious traditions. I find they give many people hope that they would not be able to get without a notion of God but with that said do NOT push your values on me. I believe in a different type of creation story than you. I do not believe Jesus was the 'son' of God. I believe he was a man that was probably mentally ill, that really thought he was a prophet, and who despite the mental illness was probably a fairly nice guy and wanted to help all those who were suffering, make a kinder world. I don't say that to offend anyone it is just my view. I have studied the Abrahamic traditions for a few years now, I know which letters in the New Testament are forgeries of Paul, while also knowing all the other letters except for one are also anonymous letters ascribed apostolic names. It is not hard to date these gospels and letters as many of them use symbolic rhetoric to discuss the happenings of those times. Like Revelation is about the temple fall. I am detouring here. My point is this, there is a gospel that even says Jesus' mom and sisters said he must have lost his mind, so is it that hard to believe he was one of us. One of those people who heard things because of psychosis, which was unknown then, and had developed some sort of mental illness. I do not think so. He still applied morals to his life and others so who cares. It's up to you to believe in God if you want, and Jesus, but for me I do not need that. Bipolar medications are not addicting as a recreational drug is accept for Klonopin. I am a creative person who plays instruments, draws, and writes- sometimes very disturbing things, but that is not a reason to tell me to 'seek Jesus as he will save you'.

No one is saving me! I am saving me. I am saving me by taking my meds. I have a bipolar psychotic break and guess what - there was no Jesus there helping. I was hearing things, seeing weird shadows, hearing people screaming, and I needed my meds. I used to be ashamed of talking about it because who wants to tell people - "Yeah I hear voices and shit" um no one. Well I have come to realize the more open I am the more support I get from my family and friends, and online friends. My courage to speak out may help others to find support within their networks.

Going through a psychosis is not fun, it is not easy, and it is not controllable no matter how much you pray.  Usually you don't know what is happening. But I kept drawing pictures of myself with my head cracked down the middle like an egg with stuff flying out from it. I looked at my written journal, my handwriting was different, what I was writing was out there, and I was using pictures to help me tell myself I was losing my own mind. At least that's what it felt like. I didn't feel like me I felt like some other person and I was just trapped there in my brain handcuffed to a chair unable to control the steering wheel. It caused fights with my husband, who also didn't know what was happening to me, it caused me to think about death ( I know I have said this before but I want to describe everything), not just 'what if I kill myself' but curious thoughts on what would happen if I took too many pills and died, what would that be like, what would it be like to start dying and what would happen to me when I did take my last breath?  It was hard coping with everything and I felt completely overwhelmed. It didn't matter if I had anyone to talk to because my brain would switch into a different direction and all the sudden the nice talk I just had seemed to be a manipulative talk trying to get me to bend to a person's will. I was getting angry and then angrier, and then rage. I couldn't handle it. That's why I was so impatient about when I got to see my doctor because I was screaming in my own head "HELP ME, I'M LOST" but no one could hear me. How could they. The irrational side was full force. Then I lost the bird which was so saddening to me bc I loved him so much. Then finally something switched, like a trigger. All the sudden things seemed to be in focus but I was in and still kind of am a deep deep depression. I feel like I am finally coming up for air but I still am a bit lost.

I felt extremely uncomfortable talking to the NP about my hearing things and seeing things because my dear uncle (who passed away when I was 10 or 11) was schizophrenic and had an alter ego named ping pong. Ping pong was mean and did not give a crap. I would change the change and I would get yelled at even though he was 'sleeping' (Cleary he was faking sleeping probably spying thinking we were against him at some points). He used alcohol as self medication, and I would be called to coax him into taking his meds (which probably where ineffective due to his alcohol use). So I was worried I got the schizophrenic gene when I started to hear things. It's very unsettling. I am not saying that anyone with schizophrenia is bad, but I didn't want the downward spiral my uncle had. His schizophrenic break was fast and rapidly made him lose his senses. I was feeling that was going to be me. However, while reluctant to tell the NP I did. She informed me that all sorts of mental illness have their own psychotic breaks that cause psychosis. This means a bipolar person can go into a psychosis and have symptoms that are common to schizophrenics, and psychopaths and sociopaths can have breaks where they go on a harmful violent spree, or start hearing things or seeing things, or start becoming more moody quickly and so forth. That news didn't make me that relieved because I feel as I get older it is harder to manage the bipolar disorder and I get weirder, scarier symptoms. How terrifying is it to hear screams!!!! But I am feeling better so that is an upside. I guess I have to come to terms with the fact that I have a severe form of bipolar and I may have psychotic breaks (thankfully not violent ones) and I will have to hope my family and friends can understand what that does to me and how it will affect them but that they need to let it roll off and take those moments of psychosis with a grain of salt. It's not me really. I mean it is but it's my mind turning into almost a different mind. I am not in there controlling it really. I will have my moments of control but I will also more than likely say horrible or disturbing things, or feel awful and extremely agitated or easily upset. It's almost like helping a baby lol. I need a support system to help me through those times. A system of love and compassion that can deal with it even if they are too having a hard time. Perhaps both working together to get through each others issues.

I say all this because I want people out there to know there is someone like you. Someone who was scared of what those voices meant, what it meant to live with some seriously disturbing thoughts and to become irrational very quickly and have no way to even tell the person in front of you "THIS IS NOT ME, I AM NOT LIKE THIS MIND THAT HAS TAKEN OVER!!!!"

There is an upside though!! From my own experiences with my mental health/illness, and other bipolar folks, and from some research I have done bipolar persons are much more creative and have a way of being able to connect events and dots quicker than the average Joe. A lot of very amazing people were bipolar and on that brink of death and curiosity, and psychotic breaks who gave us wonderful pieces of art, wonderful scientific knowledge, wonderful books, new ways to accomplish logical algorithms, new ways of thinking philosophically, and beautiful wonderful music that makes life more mysterious and intriguing. I wish that everyone for a day could experience what we feel on our worst days and then experience how vivid things become for us when we hit mania, how easy it is to connect the dots to make a more rational conception of happenings, and a brain that can create the most wonderful of things. Being mentally ill does not have to be a bad thing. It doesn't have be stigmatized and it doesn't have to mean someone is crazy or stupid. In fact it usually means the exact opposite, that they are very intelligent, perhaps yes a bit crazy but that can be used for beautiful things. Not all mentally ill people abuse substances to self medicate, and even if they do it's not because they want to be out of this world it is because they truly believe it will help them, even if it is making things worse. So when you look in the mirror and don't recognize yourself because of the illness remember that you will come back, and resurface. You are still you. Your mind is still in there it's just locked up a bit. Some neuron is firing wrong but eventually things will go back to your 'normal' (your usual mental health/illness state that you are more accustomed to and mower accustomed to handling). You are all beautiful and great in some way. You all have good in you and no matter how hostile you may become, or 'crazy', or paranoid or whatever- you are still a sentient person with values, and good. You can help others, you can tell your story, you can make your art and you can have all the same abilities as others but maybe in a different way sometimes. Embrace who you are!


Lea Silva

Of course there is Neurons included. I don't know that I will have to explain this to most bipolar people and mentally ill. I explained it to my husband and I will do my best to describe it here. There is a face in the picture with a very distorted nose and a disproportioned eyes, nose, and mouth. That's how I feel often when my mind feels like it is not my own. I have a face in another area (this smaller one to the right) which represents my struggle with myself, and the fact that for me then t=0 (time equals zero). I feel I have lost in in many respects and the lower portion is a synapses eating my rationality. There is a shield which represents the psychosis because it was not allowing a proper ability to think straight. The chest with a broken key, and there are some words that represent the things I heard during my psychosis like "lea wake up" "lea hurry up" things of that nature. That's all I am gonna say because I feel it's an abstract and the rest you can try and interpret for yourself to see if you get anything out of it. It's purpose is to be a mess and crazy.