The Worst Tragedies In Life Me As A Woman Went Through

Advisory: This post may be a bit long and if you appreciate hearing about the bad things that have occurred to others or you may need to find some support for read on my friends.

Some days are generally just harder than others. You can control yourself and show no outward signs of distress but internally there is a war. You do not always know why this war has erupted or why a certain thing has been triggered.

A lot of the time my trigger is the pregnancies I have lost. Something happens to you when you have gotten pregnant, been happy, so very happy, about it and then lost them. Forever are the memories of the physical pain that you felt when they were dying inside of you and when you almost died with them. The loss of energy, the sharp stabbing throbs from inside the womb letting you know you were literally feeling death inside you. Every time this happens in your brain, and it will over and over and over again, it brings tears to your eyes. 

I can remember my whaling when I knew. I just knew because I could feel it. I could feel my baby die. It is one of the worst things you could go through. I have been through a lot and I think it is why I have the serious triggers I do. I can tell you, but I will not describe it to you, I am still not ready, that I have been raped. I thought that was the worst thing to happen to me. I thought it had destroyed me for the longest time. I still to this day do not go out that much, or at least not alone because I do not trust many people. That affected me so deeply that I do not have many friends due to the circumstances of my abuse. I just simply do not trust many people. You should feel some honor if I have let you into my little circle of life I hold dear to me. I would only plead you don't destroy it. At any rate, losing those pregnancies was worse.

It may sound dumb to some people because they know women lose pregnancies all the time. Yet when you say women lose their babies all the time rather than they lose pregnancies it doesn't seem so cut and dry. It does not seem like oh she is simply 1 in 4 women. I LOST MY BABIES is what we want to cry out. It wasn't just a pregnancy it was our flesh and blood. It was our children we lost. Most of us never got to meet the children we lost. Regardless of your stand of whether life is sacred, if abortion is okay or not, if a fetus should have rights, when it happens to you, when you lose your pregnancy, no matter how far along you are you lost your child. I do not think I have ever written this thorough on the subject but I guess today is the day and I am not even sure why. Maybe because around this time two years in a row I had become pregnant. Maybe because I am sick of seeing women who lost their children, unborn or born babies, infants, toddlers, adult children whatever, as a statistic that stings every time. Or maybe it's a trigger from seeing so many murder and sexual abuse cases about children lately that it has triggered this. Or maybe, and this is definitely possible I see my two sisters with their children and sometimes it pulls those memories back to me.

Either way the triggers are there. Reminding you what you lost. I know there are many of us who lost our marriages or relationships along with those babies/children. Something was lost when that happened. At one point a bond was made for some of us. A tight bond with our lovers we never thought could be untied and then one day it fell to pieces. Losing the relationship is hard. It will never be easy especially if you were married and it takes time to repair yourself and for some of us longer because of circumstances in which it all ended. But you had already lost a part of yourself with those pregnancies and gained something new as well. Something changed internally, at least for me. Things I had thought were so important, so in my face, and so always there became nothing to me. I realized I had a dark tint on my eyes not letting me see the most vital things in life. So while to most I may seem like a very introverted loner, which I am totally, and I may even seem callous sometimes or shy, really things that are outside, like binge drinking or partying all the time or whatever thing I made more important than those things around me are now so futile and silly that I just let myself relax and take time to live. I gained an insight when I lost part of myself that not many people get or they do not accept. There is a way to be comfortable in the world without following everything everyone else does, or doing what you think you should be doing based on what has been spoon fed to you based on your society and culture. I even became more welcoming and satisfied with the way my appearance was. And I can tell you that was never true before. 

I can also tell you before losing those babies I was sometimes a wreck. Being raped can leave you feeling worthless about yourself. You may feel guilty for numerous reasons, disgusting, alone in a world filled with billions, suffering, and so so very blue. This can take over. It will destroy you if you do not get control of it. I would binge my way through life not giving any care for myself besides who I was around. I would drink until I couldn't remember. For the longest time I didn't, well I wouldn't talk about what happened to me or my response to it. I simply did not want anyone to know how vulnerable I was, or how vulnerable I made myself is really how I saw, and sometimes still do. Something clicked in my head though when I lost those pregnancies. Something told me that no matter what you are vulnerable and it is not a perfect thing but there is not much you can do. Your body will deceive you. It will hurt you and it will fail sometimes. Life will always do this to you. Because of this you need to realize what is truly important to you. Is it drinking all the time to rid yourself of your issues, or for some drugs? Is having a million and one friends truly important when you know that only a few are really going to be there always? Is it worth it to not love yourself? NO. It simply isn't. There are so many people who could read this and would be the ones to brush it off and not think twice about what they truly want in life. But I am not going to worry about them. They will either figure it out or simply will not.

I can say this though- having people who show you love, care, kindness, affection, happiness, hilariousness, sincerity, and true friendship (which is definitely also in romantic relationships) is where it is at. We can have great jobs, enough money to eat the greatest foods and wear the best clothes and drive the nicest cares but if you don't have sincerely loving people to enjoy it with it is worth nothing. If you do not simply have sincere and honest people around you who would be there always then your life is missing the crucial piece. We all need to love ourselves thoroughly and it can be so hard, and even harder to realize making BIG mistakes can just be a part of life that makes you better if you are good, but having those around you who are willing to help you realize that, or help pick up those broken pieces, or be the loving humorous friend who is just the person that accepts you for who you are you will feel alone and lost. 

I do not know if life ever gets easier for anyone. I doubt it. Even if you are rich and can pay for your problems to be solved more will arise. Remembering what is truly good for you what is wonderful in life is a gift. The pain I have endured throughout my life has not been easy. It in fact has been extremely challenging and it has negatively affected me in many ways. I still have these days were life seems helpless and I am down from what I have lost, or imagining what my life would be like with the babies I lost, even without my ex husband, and what kind of person I would be without those loses and without the rape. Death has occurred a lot in my life as well and I always wonder what if when it comes to them and it drags me into weird places that can be so depressing it is like having your mind locked in a dark damp disgusting cellar. But then, when all those tragedies build up and make life feel terrible, or like I am terrible, I remember they all made me who I am today.

I am humble to those who have donated to me to get me through rough patches, who have been by my side even when I seemed off my rocker, and simply just accepted me as a flawed, bipolar maniac at times and still loved me. While I would wish those things on no one and I would choose never to have to feel death inside me, or my own death looming, or being sexually abused in such a nasty way, it has made me stronger. It has made me courageous, honest, loving, caring, empathetic, affectionate, intelligent, introverted in just the right way for me, a non-alcoholic, a person wiling to give attention when you call upon me. It has also made me weird. It has made me find it necessary to find humor in small things and be a goof whenever I feel. It has caused some negative things- I sometimes am a hermit and do not want to associate with too many people in one day because for me it can be devastatingly exhausting, it has made me prone to social anxiety and even working anxiety, and has made me scared to ever want to get pregnant again or fall in love so deeply I make myself supremely vulnerable. Those things though are workable. Those things people who know me can understand why I do them. But the good things all people don't have or aren't willing to be. I am someone who experiences manic and mania and can accept the crazy in people and I usually gravitate towards it but others cannot do that or refuse to try and understand how to be there for you when you get that way but I have it because of all those tragedies in my life. So even when you feel lost in this world, alone, depressed, even suicidal think about how those negative awful things have made you somehow better or wiser because they have. Tragedies give us something we didn't have before while taking away a small part of us with them and that's OKAY. 


If you really read this whole post I thank you for being so generous with your time and hope I educated you, helped you, or at least somehow entertained you for the few minutes you had to read. 

Lea

The BIPOLAR bear is misunderstood. Can I say ANYTHING? I need help

Once in awhile, in the middle of the night, I wake up and do not know where I am. I simply think I have been awakened from some coma of life and now, just like that, everything changed just by opening my eyes. That is terrifying sometimes. Maybe it's because I do not know who I am so I do not know where I am in my own life. Can you imagine? Of course, well probably, because I assume that a lot of people feel this way. 

Is it hard being honest with yourself? I think so, at least sometimes. Maybe even most times. Look at the sky and the universe. How is my little existence even important. Especially when my species ruins everything, and I mean everything. Our emotions can be so out of control that we destroy things within a few measly words. How insane is that! So why does that happen? I don't get it. What difference does it even make? Why then should we say anything? If I say why I am upset to someone since I no longer am willing to keep my feelings inside and hide in some mask that says "I swear I am normal", why does that automatically mean that the person will be defensive? Now of course we are all that way, well most of us. It is our human nature. I get upset like that too. We are mad we hurt someone. So we find a way to make that person feel hurt because they just hurt us by their honesty and this is called the defense. 

Why can we not simply handle the fact that we upset someone? I mean even if they are upset and it seems so silly to us or not worth it, why do we get so upset? Because if the tables were turned we would be aggravated that they were getting upset with us for being defensive. So why do we even do it. Yeah human nature and all but don't we have a mind that we can use to calm ourselves and think rationally for one moment without assuming that person is trying to change us, or annoy us, or only get what they want, or the always "why can't they just get me" defense?

I would like to think so since I have met so many people that are so much calmer than me and not too much seems to get them defensive. Now do not get me wrong, there are times when someone is upset because they do not understand and so it does seem silly to us, or they are upset over something that seems ludicrous- like "Oh I went out with my friends and now your upset at me?" or "I didn't do this task exactly as you do it so now your mad and think i am an idiot?". That happens. But if we dig deeper do we see maybe why a person feels that way? 

Not communicating can be a trigger of course. That is usually always mine. I HATE IT when a person refuses to tell me anything. It drives me mad. If that person could say why they can't tell me at that moment i.e. "I am angry and I do NOT want to discuss this. I promise I will talk when the time is right", that would be okay. Not everyone is like me so other people have their triggers for the so called ludicrous upsets above. I always wonder what is in that person's past or what is going on a little deeper that they feel that way. I cannot say I am a saint and ask that question in the middle of one of those kinds of arguments, nor can I say I even ask myself "why do I REALLY feel this way" because I am just upset at that moment. 

We all have those moments right? But what do you do?

I have held so much stuff in in the past that I simply refuse to not be honest. I do not care how crazy it sounds, how annoying it may be, or whatever, because me getting it out is the only way my brain can then function on a 'normal' level. I also think that when someone states "I never complain about you, I just like who YOU are" they are just not being honest. There is always SOMETHING that is annoying to that person. Me being honest and outright is usually the case because I am not always elegant in the way I word things or how I present them or my timing. Especially my timing. I just say it. I say it. I do not need to think about it because if I do then I will probably end up just holding it in instead. That is NOT okay.

However, what sucks is that people want honesty, or at least they say so, or they say they care, but when you say what is hurting you, making you angry, sad, happy even then somehow it turns on you. What you just said can now hurt them. You are upset and now because of that they are now hurt in return. Like I said above this happens. I believe this reaction is due to not wanting to hurt someone you care about but you are then upset you upset them and that person made you know you upset them that it is time to flip it. This is the usual line of action here "Well if you don't like who I am why are you with me?" or "I am not you so I cannot be you" but that isn't what we are ever asking is it? Well maybe for some people I would think that is exactly what they are asking but most I think are not. I am not when I talk. I ask to work on things sure but that does not mean any of those responses. But it's hard. You do things, you say things, you act certain ways and sometimes others do not get it so you get defensive because to you it is like why the hell don't they just leave it be or accept it or get over it. It's not really that simple.

As I said above when the tables turn the one who was frustrated and defensive, who is now upset, is sitting there asking the defensive one "why can't you accept my feelings?" "why can't you try and understand me now?" but did you try to get them when it was reversed?

So is there anything anyone can EVER really say? When someone is upset because of something someone else did or did not do does that mean that they aren't considering the other person, or is it that they both need to consider each other. Stop saying you are trying to do this or you don't realize I am here too and I matter too because that can turn into a reverse where the upset one doesn't matter now because you don't want to hear it. 

So it seems like there is NEVER anything you can say unless that understanding that I just stated is there. But can it ever be? I don't know. All I know is I need communication. That's what I think a lot of people simply want. To know what is happening, why someone did this or that, why someone said this or that, why someone blah blah, you get it. I don't think that takes a lot to do but it seems pretty hard to do at the same time right? 

Forever I hid myself from people. I wouldn't communicate what aggravated me or what was going on in my brain and one day I would get dangerously close to wanting to leave this world. I would find a way to convince myself otherwise because I have people I love. I have things I love. Sometimes even then though it was hard to turn around. To just keep going. I do not know that anyone will ever truly understand how that felt for me. Or what that felt like specifically for me is what I should say. And I don't know that I could ever truly explain it either. Would it matter anyway? Would that suddenly give an epiphany to those who don't get to where, when I speak, they just understand? No. Probably not. 

Now it's truth time for me.

When I say how upset I am or why, or both, I feel constantly that whoever I am talking to, be it my closest family and friends, or distant friends, that I am being judged. CONSTANTLY. My emotional scale varies and I am different thanks to being bipolar. When I feel I FEEL. When I get upset it may not seem right to anyone else how upset I am so I am being judged. I know that I can be looked at like I am CRAZY but I don't believe that is fair. I cannot help the way I feel nor will I hide it anymore. I am this. I simply want to be able to say "this is what is happening inside me, will you communicate with me please so we can get through this so this stops tearing me up inside?" It can be so hard for me to talk in the first place because of this feeling of judgement. I don't know that the people I talk to actually are doing that but I have been judged so harshly and told so many nasty things for trying to be honest that it is ingrained in me. 

Every time I want to say "look this hurt me" I constantly remember how certain someones have looked at me, spoken to me, treated me, when I needed to talk, to be calmed, to be loved, and what I got in return was non-acceptance. I constantly am aware of my flaws. I am NOT perfect. I am NOT close. I am AWFUL sometimes. I can fly off the handle. I can become so angry I break things, and not just typical I have a reason to be angry angry but more like this small thing just happened. It set me off. Now I am raging for barely anything and I have no idea how to stop it. However, I have worked very hard, and I mean very hard, to deal with this. I have had help to train myself to leave the room when this happens. To go let it out with tears or by throwing unbreakable things, or paint, or write. But I have not learned yet to cope with the fact that I get judged sometimes when I speak the truth. This happens with a lot of people. I can be in a class and someone says something so outrageous and ignorant (to me at least) that I argue (argue in the non-fighting way like a philosopher should) but I can get very weird looks because I get so passionate. I'm being judged. Right there. In a class where I am SUPPOSED to argue. 

When you have dealt with people who you thought loved you on some level who have made you feel that you shutting up and being hidden is better and you overcome that, telling how you feel is difficult. Anyone who feels judged ever can, I am sure, attest to that. 

I do not think I have ever truly kept myself open to my own self. When I got divorced I said "I will move past this and it will be okay". I even thought quickly I was okay. I wasn't. And I think this is the first time I have said that to anyone. I am STILL mad. I do not love him. I do not want to have anything to do with him. So much so that I keep getting a hold of his mom to pick the rest of my stuff up and then I never show. I do not want any reminder because I was so hurt. This affects me still. I still have trust issues. I trust many people but that does not mean it is easy. He was not the only one to break my trust. My father broke my trust and I will never forget it. He is dead now. We actually got to talk before he died but I won't ever forget the dagger to my back. I have also abused my trust from others. I cannot deny that. I hurt my sister very badly once and I won't ever forget that moronic move in my life. That still affects me. That still makes me feel guilty. But what is disgusting to me is there are people who are not like me. Who don't feel that kind of remorse for doing something so distrustful and distasteful. They do not care. They cannot even admit it sometimes that they mislead you or betrayed you. Now that sucks a lot. I need honesty. I need communication. I literally need it because otherwise the trust I am trying to recover won't ever be built if I do not have that. And it is not the people's around me fault. It's not. However, I believe that when you love and care that you can do those things for people to help them. To get through things. To help them deal with things that are hard to move past.

I did not want to love the person I am with that is how scared I am of trusting someone. I did not. I avoided him and I tried to not like him and it was impossible for me. Now I cannot imagine him being gone. And maybe, maybe not, he will always be here, or maybe he won't like dealing with me and he simply won't. I don't know.  But I know I let myself trust him. And it wasn't him it was me who had to let myself do that. Now no one has to understand that and some may interpret it like "well if you can't then blah blah" but that is on ME. It is on me to allow the trust to be built. I went through a lot and I need to learn to build trust. I need help though and I cannot deny that. I need always to be honest. And I am. Sometimes probably too frankly but that is how I am. I am socially inept sometimes and I do not know the right way to do it. But I am working on it. And I will always need it in return. I need it with him, my mom, my sisters, my aunt, my friends, etc. I will never lie down and let myself drown again. FOR ANYONE. NEVER. I know though that those people won't let me. I also am not delusional and know if they don't want to deal with it, or deal with me, they don't have to. They can ignore me. Or just leave me be. But I would hope, and feel I know them to the point they wouldn't. 

But I need to tell them something. It's important. And I do not need you judging me.
I am NOT on my meds. I have not been on them in months. They made me foggy, forgetful, unmotivated, and felt like they were hurting me more than helping. I have to take so much stuff to keep my body in check already that those meds made it too much. I wanted to learn to deal with myself. I wanted to learn to always be honest. To deal with me overreacting sometimes. To being overly depressed sometimes. I wanted to feel again. I just did. Those meds were good when I went through what I did last year. I was scared to go off of them because everyone will tell you not to and you always need them. But I want to feel. Those meds stopped me. I didn't need to be honest, I didn't need to hide, because those meds took all of it away. ALL OF IT and not in a good way. Things started to seem so pointless to me. They seemed awful, boring, and dull. I was getting angry because of this. They did a reverse on me. But I withdrew from them and all the sudden there was life, not a dull background mundane non-existence. I am sorry if this makes me more emotional and perhaps harder to deal with but I need to feel things. I need to see things in my perspective not some drugs perspective. I need to be able to read and remember. Learn and enjoy. Love and feel it. 

If you don't want to handle me being emotional I never asked you to do it against your will. If you don't want to listen to me I never asked you to do it against your will.
If you don't want to hang in there with me while I go through whatever I am going through you do not have to. But just let me know that.

I am bipolar. I am a carousel of emotions. I am up and down and down and up. I see things differently than a lot of people. I feel things in a different way that seems crazy to others. I think it is why sometimes I can be so intelligent and diligent. Or why I can see details others don't. Why I can see plot holes, or holes in lies. I think it is why I can be so honest about how I am feeling. Because I need to. I think it is why I can be artistic in different ways or see the beauty in things that others don't see. Why I can see several perspectives at once. Why I can be understanding because of seeing those perspectives and then flip and get upset the next second. I also do not need it to be an excuse. I simply am what I am. I have worked on many things about myself that I did not like, that others did not like, that were ruining my life and I am always okay with that. I need work. Who doesn't? But I am willing, I just need help.

I am very upset with some people to this day even though it is in the past. It is not easy to deal with certain things in the capacity that I did. There have been things that I think that most people would think I am crazy for. What they did, without consideration for anyone else, or maybe they did but glazed over it, was not okay. What they did changed me. Changed my perspective. Changed how I cope. It was that hard for me. Knowing what I went through with certain people and how viciously they turned on me burnt my core. And now I have to deal with the repercussions of those actions and the people around me do to because of its affect on me.  

How do you not let those things affect you? I don't think you can. I don't. No one knows everything about me. Not one single person in the world knows everything about me. No one knows everything that has ever happened to me good or bad (especially bad). NO ONE. I would hope NO ONE would ask me to tell them all. I would hope, however, through their love and understanding they would help me as I would for them.  That they would not need to ask why but would say okay. They have done this when I needed it. They never asked me questions twice if I did not want to answer. I am alone sometimes though. I am so very alone. I think I hate most when I want one specific person to be there and they can't or won't. It could be anyone that I feel I need but then they aren't there. Or they don't know what to do or they don't want to be there. I am too much for some people I suppose. Or maybe my honesty or my past hurts are too much, I am not sure. I would like to think I am generous and kind, and I am always here, but I can be weird. I can station myself in my room for days, or weeks, only wanting contact with certain people. But I am there even in those moments when someone needs me. I am good with people usually except when I am upset. That's when things get so flustered and then people get defensive, unresponsive, confused, or are simply there and help. 

How am I to do this? How am I to figure out all of this, all of my tiny life, all of my happiness and failures? What am I supposed to do? If I cannot be upset or ask for help or ask for someone to talk to, and if I am accused of not accepting someone because I am upset then doesn't that mean they can't accept me as I am because I do get upset and am honest? I am not all just that. I am also happy plenty of the time. I like to believe I try and have fun and have interesting arguments and conversations with whomever wants to talk philosophically or otherwise. I feel I am loving, very much so. I would sell everything I ever owned if it would help my family if they needed it. I would be there broke helping out whoever if they needed me to take care of them. I will listen and love and care. Maybe too much. Maybe that is part of what I am and maybe that comes with being bipolar. Lots of things come with being bipolar. One thing it doesn't come with though is a handbook for those around you to learn to understand you. Or a handbook on why I may react a certain way. I mean there are those damn medical books that make you think they know all this stuff. Have you ever read one? I feel most of them are full of SHIT. I feel that most of them make it seem like most of us bipolar bears need super medication forever because without it we are out of control!!!!! Or because a doctor thinks he knows a mind so well that he can be an authority on yours specifically even though he has talked to you once. The trying to be simple over complicated deductions about what bipolar is, how to react when we get upset, how to do this and that, what to expect. Perhaps, because stereotypes are there for a reason right? But I would say perhaps not because none of us are alike. Not that alike anyway. I have one book about it that I am slightly okay with and loaned out. But I don't think you can ever explain it. I don't know that you can ever say to someone I think or feel differently in a capacity where they won't look at you like "duh everyone does". When I say I see and feel differently I mean it. Not just as an individual but as something else. 

I am sure people with other mental illnesses can attest to is. We can say all we want we understand what PTSD is, or read a book that says 'what to expect', 'how to deal', 'what to do with a loved one when they have an attack', but I, a person without PTSD, will never know what it is like regardless of how many books or times I try and get it. I won't. Because they see and feel and remember differently than me. They work differently. And to them I work differently. 

I feel it is time to conclude my long novel here. I am not done. But who wants to read this much these days? Barely anyone. I do. But no one is me. So I guess I want to ask for you to help me understand and help me cope, please. 

Lea

Alone in a world full of people

As of late I have been extremely manic depressive. It is taking a toll on me emotionally. It drains me. I lay in dark clouds all day that storm upon me in a way that it feels it will never stop. Although it really won't ever go away in a sense. I will always get episodes that drag me deep into the caves of sadness and anger. I have to be honest- while I am in this state I think about my ex husband. How good we were for the first year and a half. I wonder where that went and why it dissolved. Of course I have my notions of why it did and sometimes I dwell on that. I sometimes just have these memories of hint telling me he didn't like me anymore for no apparent reason, or him getting so angry at me, or him just not wanting me anymore. It still hurts. I think of how happy I was on our wedding day and how it means nothing anymore. I loved him and I meant every vow I made and now I feel more cynical about relationships because it doesn't matter how much you love someone or how hard you try to make things better, how many times you ask for more intimacy outside of the bedroom, or that you made vows of love and the other has felt that they only meant theirs when they liked me. I don't understand it. Maybe people will tell I just need to get over it but it's a loss. When someone is gone from your life either by dying or by leaving you grieve. When I am manic depressive the grief comes on strong. But not just because of what happened between me and him.

Sometimes the notion that I will never find someone who will love me whole heartedly, who will care about me and my feelings from the beginning of our relationship, who wants to be around me and finds me to be beautiful in all aspects, someone who will come running to my house when I am trapped inside my dark storm, and who will always appreciate the efforts I put into showing my care, my interest, my kindness for them. The notion that I won't ever find something like that at all devours my heart. I have always been someone who gives love to people. (NO that doesn't mean me showing I am in love with someone). More like I am open with my heart and my kindness. I love to give love to others. I love being in love when I am with someone who brings those feelings to me. I give love to my friends, my family, and even strangers who I show love to by helping when I don't have to. I have felt wonderful love in return. I have been in love a couple times and it is devastating when that love gets lost but I know the heart ache will eventually go away. I let myself give love, and love because it is a comfort that makes many people feel good. I don't need to meet a Mr. Perfect, nor do I need a relationship right now but I fear to a fiery extent that I may never find that person. I do not want to end up alone with no kids and no one loving me truly. I have no doubt my ex loved as truly as I loved him but it vanished. I can't tell you where it went or to whom it went but it was lost.

Mayhaps I will never find a person who cares as much as I do when I am into someone. Could be I never find someone who wants to love with open arms. The world is full of people; my world is full of family and friends that give love to me as well. Yet I feel I am alone in the world. It is hard to put that into perspective for those who don't feel as I do because of my illness. It is different from what the average person feels. Manic depression is nothing to play with. These times are deeply disturbing to me. I am extremely sensitive normally but in these episodes I am even more fragile. When I feel used, or as if someone isn't looking at me with sincere interest I am deeply disturbed and this brings me full circle to my landless in this world. Friends can make me feel this way as well because some people only care about themselves. They make a short attempt to ask you how you are doing and when you tell them I am just awful they shortly ask why yet then don't care to help me through but move on to their own simple issues or repetitive banter about whoa is me. Now when someone is having serious issues, they are severely depressed I do not bring up my small miniscule problems because I care about that person enough to listen, do my best to help, and show genuine concern for how that person is feeling. When a friends doesn't return that it is clear to me that I do not mean as much to them as them to me.

So even if I don't find a healthy relationship in the future I fear I won't always find the genuine friends when I need them most. I have been crying a lot, have been distraught, and have been restless because my mind won't stop but the only people to notice or care to find out how I am doing are my mom, sister, and my friend Chuck. My mom and sister talk to me everyday and I know my mom will do anything to bring me up even if it is just to leave me be while I dive into a book. Chuck texts me everyday with no avail because he knows that I not only have physical issues but mental ones too and he wants to make sure I don't get too far deep into the dark hole. I know if I needed him to comfort me he would come straight over. That's really meaningful to me. He has a wife and kids yet still cares enough to be that kind. I show these people the same respect and love because they mean so much to me. I appreciate them so dearly and what they do to help me. There are others who just seem not to really care. A person I care for does not show me the same kindness and it hurts. It hurts to know that there are only a couple people who are interested in truly knowing how I am and who are willing to come to my aid when I am really to dangerously close to the edge.  I keep my distance usually from those that do not have due interest in me and I do in them because I feel used, passively used.

I know my older sister has a lot on her plate but I know she would also come to my side if I needed her. I know that about a couple people. They wouldn't come to my aid and then start dribbling about some meager thing because they know that at that moment I need them to care, and they know in return I would do the same for them. I like when people show appreciation for kindness and love.

But even with those handful of people I still feel lost in this world, in this universe, in my own head. I feel so very much alone at times. It doesn't matter if my mom, aunt, sisters or whomever is there I fear my downfall episodes. I am nonexistent in this world filled with so many people. I am lost in a swarm of Americans who feel so entitled that they forget to help others or to not be so rude and unkindly. I live in a place where my mental illness is sometimes seen as fake, or a joke, or something one can just get over. I live in a place where I may never find someone who get's it, or wants to get it, or who is concerned enough to come comfort me. To others my mental illness and my physical ailments may be some kind of turn off but I believe that is unfair. I just wish that one day I can find something that is a beautiful relationship that blossoms like lilies in the sun. Where I feel safe and understood and cared for. Where there is appreciation, affection, want, desire, and a love for who I am and what I give to that person. I can no longer let myself deal with someone who neglects me on an emotional level, or on a physical level (not just sex but true intimacy shown through touch and closeness outside the bedroom). I am low on trust lately because I don't believe I can trust someone who could be something different under their shell. I don't know if this will eventually lift but I feel it now. I need someone willing to want me, willing to accept that I want to talk with them on a daily basis when I am interested and who return that feeling, someone that truly looks at me in a light where I am a gem to behold in more ways than outside beauty. I return this when I am interested.

However, this darkness looming above me, through me, has caught me in a struggle. I am lost and scarred. I am frightened by the prospect that no one will give me genuine care, kindness and love that will last beyond a few years. I have been burnt by cheaters who were apparently exclusive who said they loved me. I never want to feel that devastation again because here I sit crying just thinking about how badly the dagger in my back feels. How lonely it is to be lost in your mind wondering where things went wrong or if I have done something wrong. I have a nice life. I have a loving family, and loving friends. I do well at school, and have enjoyment from learning. I am not going hungry, and I have shelter, food, and water. I have help. I have free medical care and meds for my mental and physical ailments. But that doesn't stop my bipolar brain from sinking so low it reaches the center of the earth. I am so alone that sometimes I sleep on the couch to feel as if I have something comforting me because my bed feels so empty. Empty in a way like no one understands but the blame is more on me because I hide my sorrow, grief, anger, loneliness behind fake smiles. I lay all day on a couch reading. I have to thank the authors of my favorite books because they take me into another world. A world where my doom does not exist. My sorrow does not exist in the tales of old times. My manic, mania, manic depression is hidden behind words upon paper while my mind envisions a whole new world where while I create a bond with the characters my depression is not there to find. My world does not seem that wonderful at times because my brain is disposed to making me feel like I am but little to nothing. I wish it was easy to return from these gloomy places or to be able to say I am stronger than my mental illness but being bipolar I cannot always control these episodes. I haven't been sleeping much at night but during the day I feel my eyes growing heavy and my heart crying. I fell the lack of motivation for my life sometimes but I can at least overcome that and force myself to do what I need to do. I feel the sorrow that I have no one to come over and just hold me without any expectation for sex because they just want to make sure I am okay. I miss that. I miss knowing that I have someone to call upon to just come hold me tight without a need to say anything and who doesn't care if I just cry into their chest because I can't shake the dread that is my dark clouds. That is why I love to read. In those tales I can be the character who has that. I can forget for hours that I don't have that companion in my life. Of course my sisters or my mother or even my friend would hold me but it isn't quite the same because sometimes you just want to be held intimately or cuddled up with someone who feels deeply for you and your ache. I am alone in a world full of people. I do not exist beyond my small world to anyone. How could I. I don't know how many people walk by me and don't notice a tear washing down my face, or who don't even acknowledge I am alive. But not all people are like me. I look at the people around me, and when I see some stranger upset I ask how they are or why they are upset with sincere compassion not just to ask.

I don't need a relationship right now. I am not writing this for that purpose. I am writing this because my depression has made me feel that no one would want me because I am this. I am a bit broken, a bit out there, a nerdy mentally ill woman who desires compassion, passion, desire, love, respect, kindness, magnanimity and curiousness. Who will ever understand my curiously of death while not thinking of me as some poor depressed pathetic person. I am someone who is intelligent, creative, dutiful, kind, and so on. Yet I feel that my fake smiles will go on for eternity. I do not want anyone to feel pity for me. I do not want people thinking I am writing this because I feel badly for myself like the whoa is me person. I am writing this for me to even see what my mind and heart are feeling, and to hopefully find out or show someone else that maybe we aren't alone in a world of people.

Whose hand will grasp mine with care? Whose will hold me with genuine affection? Who will comfort me one day when I am low like this? These things I don't know and I am scarred I will never find out. Perhaps I should get used to holding myself tight, wrapped in books and blankets, contemplating why loneliness can hurt as much as a dagger in the back. I may need my fake smiles for eternity until I no longer need to wonder about death because it comes upon me when I am sleeping, or driving, or who knows what. I will not be scared of something I don't know... death... because my curiosity of it tells me it won't matter if there is nothing or something afterwards because either way it has to be better than falling into these episodes of the deepest hurt or the highest high that creates a crazy wild streak that I hate.


Sorry for the novel I am sure most people won't care enough to even read to this point which proves my loneliness in a world of people.


Lea

Letting your vulnerability get in your way

It seems that every time I turn around someone is making me feel taken advantage of. I feel like I won't be able to trust someone for a long time (relationship wise). We all make mistakes that is true but sometimes when you have made the mistake a couple times you feel kind of stupid. You think someone actually cares, actually loves you, and then you realize that that's not really the reality of the situation. When those kinds of things happen and you feel like you've been duped or stabbed in the back you start to look at yourself. You wonder "What have I really done wrong?" or you wonder "Why do I let these kinds of things keep happening to me?". I feel that whenever I am vulnerable I let someone in and then it's just another mistake, my heart gets torn down and my trust violated. Quite honestly I feel abused. Not in a physical way but more emotionally. People I think I can trust turn out to be dishonest, or not trustworthy. They aren't loyal or genuine. Part of me feels that over the last few months my thinking processes have been fogged because of the bipolar and because of how unstable I was. Being open and sensitive left me vulnerable and I made a big mistake in thinking that the one person I thought would be most genuine wouldn't hurt me but he did. It just sucks. You bring me up but then squash me right back down and frankly I feel very used.

I know I am emotional but I don't ask much of the people I trust and care for. For instance, I ask that you don't betray my trust, stay loyal to our relationship whether it me a filial one, just a friendship, or an intimate relationship. I ask that if I want to chat and your busy to tell me that rather than ignore my call or text because I find that quite rude. I ask that you just respect me and I will respect you and when I am vulnerable or in a manic state or manic depressive state that you be genuine, trustworthy, and kind rather than be a façade of kind and then turn around and hurt me.

I have made these mistakes before where I put my trust in someone I really care for and/or love and I get crapped on. It feels horrible and I am really sick of it. I know I am an emotional person but I also know I am kind, supportive, genuine and trustworthy so when I don't get that in return and just feel I am getting hurt repeatedly over and over again it makes me wonder about myself. It's like I give trust too easily, and while I do think about my decisions it seems I don't always realize I am being manipulated, taken advantage of, or just being told the caring is real and then it seems it isn't at all. I don't appreciate people making assumptions about my past, hold me living my life against me like I wasn't supposed to live, holding my mental illness against me like I can just make it stop, or making me feel like because I have physical/mental issues that that means I am not worthwhile.

I was finally starting to feel good about myself, about my life and how it has turned for the better and then my trust got betrayed yet again. I feel stupid yes, but I also thought I could trust the person and it seems that was wrong. I put myself out there, I am open about who I am and how I feel and I am a very passionate person and that seems to either work wonders for my life or work to make me hurt all over again. It seems as of late I cannot win, I cannot have what I want in life, or I can't just be me and be accepted. But if those people can't accept me, cannot appreciate the person I am, and make up things about me or how I act than I don't want them in my life. I am not really stupid, yes sometimes I make stupid mistakes but I am clearly learning from them. Perhaps slowly but still I am.

You put yourself out there because you care, we all want love and friendship and intimacy, but sometimes those who we think are good for us really aren't. I am pretty stable but I have been swung into a manic episode. Not a full force manic episode but one nonetheless. It makes me want to be alone with my face in a book or simply around my family (which includes my closest friends like my friend Tina). I don't want to make the same mistakes. I don't want to be in a relationship for awhile because I need to work on me. I was just enjoying being happy and then apparently that was too much even though I didn't ask for anything serious. Just like my ex husband who said he couldn't give anymore even though I just asked for love and affection. So I guess before anyone gets too close to me again, in a way that they could easily hurt me, I need to really look at myself and figure out what I truly want. I am in the process of getting over being hurt deeply a few times and it feels like I am grieving for a loss and I am. I don't mind having friends come over, or going out to have a nice time, but I would prefer to have my wall up for awhile and be safely kept to myself.

Relationships aren't easy but sometimes we meet people who just can't be in one. Who can't be an adult or mature in the relationship and it's funny because I know I can overreact sometimes or be overly passionate, or want love so badly from the one I am with, but I as a mature woman respect what a relationship is. It's between two people and its give and take and compromise and understanding but not all people can handle relationships because they are unstable, or aren't emotionally mature, or aren't ready to be committed to being in a relationship that isn't always 50/50, that's not as easy as the movies make it seems, and not ready to deal with the hard things that can happen in life.

Being with me, having time with my family is the best way to keep my episodes to a minimum at this moment. I am taking my meds like I should, venting when I am extremely upset, writing this as a therapy, and realizing who I am and what I want and can't stand. Long term I only know this for when I am ready for a relationship- I want a nerd like me, that knows how a relationship requires attention and love and understanding, who can be a book worm with me, and me on my level intelligence wise and academically (that's not supposed to be an insult to anyone I just want my mind enriched). But until I am actually ready to bring my guard down I am completely okay with making sure I can make myself stable and keeping it that way while I am vulnerable from the loss I have had and the betrayal I have felt.

Never think you need someone else to make you feel whole. If you feel that way than mentally you aren't prepared for a committed relationship or even one that isn't as serious. Don't let yourself be manipulated or taken advantage of while you are feeling vulnerable. Just work on making yourself happy and understanding yourself first.

Thanks for reading my rant.

Lea

A stinger of disike, but a lot of love to make up for it.

Yesterday was the day of my final hearing for divorce and my marriage was dissolved. While in the courtroom me and my now ex-husband were nice to each other; it's an awkward situation why make hard on yourself by not being nice? Afterwards he wanted to talk to me and I said that was fine. He wanted to get some things of his chest and me off mine. However, I did not expect the words that came out of his mouth.

He said "I just started not liking you", "I disliked you". I asked why?, what have I ever done to make you not like me?, I did everything I could for our marriage because that's what you're supposed to do. I would sit and cry for hours alone in my room because I felt so unhappy because you didn't want anything to do with me and all I ever did was try. He responded with he didn't know why he disliked me. He doesn't dislike me now but he did then. He told me he was purposely pulling away/pushing me away. I felt that this was just so bad because it felt as if he used me for my trip to the Marlboro Ranch. He said of course that that wasn't it he thought that would bring us closer. I don't know that I believe that because my birthday was right after that trip and he didn't care enough to plan anything for it. He bought me a gift and after I got really upset he bought me a card and roses but then when the next day came we got into a huge argument and that's the first time I heard the words "I can't give anymore of myself to you, I have nothing left" spoken to me. I said this stuff to him yesterday. I said you didn't care, you weren't the man I thought you were, last year you did everything to make my birthday go by happily instead of sadly (I hate my birthday because I shared it with my grandma and she passed, and I miss all my dead relatives on that day so I am usually quite upset on my birthday). I also said " You weren't giving anything so how could you not give anymore? I gave everything and all I kept fighting for was love and affection." He replied that he had supported me for a couple of years and couldn't do it anymore. He didn't dislike me because I was bipolar or because I was injured and have a lot of physical issues. But it certainly feels like that. He did used to care and he would help me but he stopped that awhile ago. I even asked about after the second pregnancy why he distanced himself and he said because I was mean about the way he reacted (He shut himself down and I felt like he abandoned me in pain and emotional turn down and all I asked was for him to talk to me and be there). I never restricted him but he felt that I did. He can feel anyway he wants but that doesn't mean that I did that. I never said don't go workout or ride or eat healthy. He even said he has the grey hair to prove how stressful it was and he was 'literally dying from hypertension". I replied that I lost my hair and was left to cry alone. Neglected because he 'didn't like me anymore". But you know what maybe he stopped working out because he felt guilt for 'not liking me anymore' and for the way he was treating me. Maybe that stressed him out because he knew it was wrong and a husband should be there for his wife. Maybe he needs to look internally to see the damage he did to himself. I wish he had been honest and just said he didn't want the relationship before we moved out in December. That would have made life easier. I am not going to talk about the rest of our conversation because that doesn't need to be public. But this part of it really stung.

Now it didn't sting because I am in love with him, it didn't sting because I wanted to keep the marriage because I didn't and don't. It stung because as an honest woman I put all my efforts into that relationship because I had made a commitment. I was not about to turn on my word regardless of if I was very unhappy the last several months of our marriage. I was willing to try because I gave my word. He wasn't. He left the relationship. He went into his own world and then started projecting things onto me (like his silver hair and hypertension). I didn't do those things to him. I may have fought and been emotional because I felt as a wife I was not getting the love or affection I deserved, but I didn't leave the relationship. He told me I had changed, but I explained that I only changed because he was gone and he was not there for me. He wasn't acting like who I thought I knew. That changes a woman because her emotions get all tangled because she doesn't understand what she could have possibly done besides give everything to deserve it.

So what's the point of this blog besides to vent a little?
I don't mean to make him look like a jerk, I am simply putting down what he gave me yesterday. I am not making this post to make myself look good and him bad. I just want people to know that by using a person, neglecting them, or 'leaving the relationship' while still in it, or by not being honest about how you feel you can crush the other person. You can make the other person feel so badly that they break like I did and go into a psychosis. You can hurt them so badly that they become extremely emotional and off the wall. He apologized yesterday and I believe it was sincere and that is all I wanted but I did not leave the conversation okay. I didn't feel closure really. I felt anger. I felt a lot of anger. I felt used for that trip I really do. I feel manipulated like he got me to move and then when we moved he reverted into this person I didn't know and our ship started to sink. I feel like it may have all been on purpose because he felt he would at some point end it. If you don't like who you are with do not torture them. Do not stay in the relationship because you will make them feel worthless, ugly, and perhaps suicidal like I was. Yes I am saying it flat out, there were days were I wondered if I would be better off just gone from the world. I couldn't be happy in my marriage, my husband didn't seem to care about me anymore, and nothing seemed right at all. But something happened when I packed my bags and then he said a divorce was in order. A pressure lifted off of me. I was hurt of course because who thinks that is fun, and who likes being unhappy in a relationship someone made a commitment to be in and then left it while still in it? No one. But a weight lifted. All the sudden I felt I didn't have to walk on eggshells with my mental illness, I didn't have to "not complain" about my body hurting (like saying 'man my hip is killing me everyday" and not wanting to say anything for fear it was 'unattractive' as I felt I was being a bit of a cripple). I no longer had to fight for something that was tearing us both down. Something that made me unhappy and clearly him unhappy. Something that wasn't meant to be. All the sudden I could be free from the stress of trying to save a severely damaged marriage that made me miserable.

Do not let something go on if you are not happy. I am at fault there too because I was super unhappy as months passed and he pushed away but I kept trying. It's all I had so I kept trying. However, if you can't like yourself you can't like who your with, and maybe he started disliking himself so he started disliking me. I have no clue but don't do that to a person you once loved or do love. Just be honest. Don't make them feel used, or manipulated by the actions you take because even if that isn't your intention that's what it feels like. Let them go.

Now the last month and a half I have grown my hair back, lost weight, felt happy and stable like I said in my last blog. But there are several reasons why and now I will be honest and say what they are. I have been elusive about the matter.

First, my family. My mom has been my rock ever since I was a child and she still is. No matter what we go through she is there picking me up or me trying to pick her up. She has made me feel so loved that even just writing this is making me tear up. She has let me cry on her shoulder, talk as much shit as I want or don't want, has listened, and has talked to me and made me feel better. Everyday she gives me a hug and a kiss at least once and tells me she loves me all day long. She takes care of me right now and I don't have the words to thank her properly.

Second, I have my sisters. Lauren I now live with and if you knew her you'd know how funny she can be and how kind and caring she is. She has talked shit with me because that's what you do when you leave a relationship and you're angry lol. She has vowed to help me with my surgery making my life easier and she doesn't have to do that. She has taken me out shopping so we can have fun couponing and it was a great distraction. She always has a story to tell and it brings me up. She too always hugs me or gives me a kiss and we always say I love you to each other. My older sister Tiffany has also been there. She has helped me through the process, took me to the divorce hearing, talked me back up from a collapse in tears, and has supported me. She too always says she loves me. She is also helping me with the surgery and is taking me to it and I know if I need her I can call her and she will be right there if possible. My littlest sister Emily is just adorable. While I haven't seen her too often over the last month and a half she did something so sweet that I will never forget. For doing so well in school and getting her grades up I gave her my old camera that started my love for photography. She loves photography too and is very good at it and she is only 12. When I took it to her she read the letter I gave her before opening the present. She threw it down, started crying and hugged me in a way that I will never forget. That moment I will never forget. EVER. She showed appreciation on a level out of this world for an old camera. She made me feel appreciated in that instant. She hugged for a few minutes and didn't want to let go. She showed me what love she had for me and what appreciation looked like. My nephew Ben was also quite funny but I won't put what he said here. He always shows his love for me and that brings me up too. He is a funny little man and I am thankful he is in my life.
My friend Tina and numerous others have also been there for me to push me back up into a place where I know people truly care about me. Even my friend Fran, who I have not met but chats me up online has been there for me. That is something I am eternally grateful for. Also, since I have edited this three times as my mind plays tricks on me, let me thank my Aunt carol because not only did she buy one expensive cab ride home from me to help me out, she is constantly sending me uplifting texts, and comments on my Facebook and they really do mean a lot to me. I love you!


So my advice for those who are unhappy in their relationship, if it seems the pieces will never make sense, if happiness is not readily available for either of you, if you have lost what you thought there was, then it wasn't meant to be and let it go. I should have let go sooner, and he should have let go sooner. We should have waited to see if marriage was really something that was right for me and Nathan, and if we had we would have not gone through what we have in the last several months. To be in an unhappy relationship is unhealthy. If you leave a relationship and don't feel a severe loss, you don't feel like you lost love because you have been so unhappy then you know that relationship is not for you and you don't ever need to be a part of it again. Sure you may be upset, it's natural, and you may be sad that things went the way they did, but know that it wasn't meant to be and that is okay. Like me and my mother have. Like me and my sisters and nephew have, and like me and my friends have. Don't be fooled into thinking because you made a commitment that you have to stay apart of it if the other one is pushing you and you know it's because they aren't in love with you, and they aren't right for you.


Love is something that evil shouldn't be able to take away.

Lea

A Free Write By A Bipolar Woman

As many know I am going through a dissolution (divorce), and atop that my brother in laws mom is dying. It's just really all sad. I have thought through a lot and realized that who I was married to isn't who I thought he was nor was he something good for me. I will now attempt to free write my thoughts publicly uninhibited. It is not to insult anyone it is just to get what I am feeling out.

My 'husband' used to want tattoos on our wedding ring fingers and I did not like that idea. But one day he told me he wouldn't ever do that. First sign.
He reverted back to someone I did not know when he was at his Mother's house. He was a stranger to me. Definitely not the one I married. Second sign.
We bonded because I had gotten pregnant when we first got together and I honestly don't think we would have lasted if that had not happened. Part of me knew that when we got married but as my perspective on life had changed, his did not. At least not that I could tell.
I felt hurt at first when I realized he must have been with someone else. All the dots started to connect. Him fighting with me telling me he couldn't do it anymore (he always said if he was going to or did cheat he would leave me) so clearly that was sign three. Then he did it again. Sign four.
I at first was very sad about our departure from one each others' life because I had become accustomed to it but then I realized he wasn't what I wanted I felt calm and peaceful. He didn't understand me, he never cared to post about me (which seems dumb but when you love someone you usually include them in statuses here and there or post pictures of them saying look at my beautiful wife, husband, boyfriend, so on). He would want me to look at sites that told me about his issues (his hiatal hernia, or his acid reflux or whatever it may be) but yet when I wanted him to discuss with me what I went through physically and mentally it was really a no go. He never knew me. He never ever really knew me. How could he? I obviously did not know him either because I didn't think he was the person he turned out to be. Excited to get rid of me, and as I think about it I am actual okay with that. Since we had started sleeping in separate beds because our beds were apparently too small even though when we first dated we slept in a queen, and since we barely cuddled, barely made out, really never passionately kissed for a long time, and even our intimacy was gone, it only feels like I am losing a kind of friend, or a roommate. How could it feel any differently? When you are neglected and argue about attention and affection you start to become very unhappy and lonely even in a house with your supposed significant other. Getting mad at me for disliking him playing too much on a PS3 or PS4, and giving me an ultimatum - if you can't deal with it then maybe we shouldn't be together- like I am dating a teenager- you start to not feel loved, cared for , understood, or important enough.

I feel through the mistakes I have made with most of my past boyfriends that I have punished myself and become broken like a dog whose trained to kill. I will stay loyal until the end because that is my integrity. I will try to make things work, even if I do yell or become very upset for being neglected, I will still try and better myself in the hopes that the other will do the same. However, when the other does not do those things, or it only changes for a week or so you should know something is off. I felt alone. There were plenty of days I sat in 'my' room and cried for hours without him even noticing because he was too busy on his games. There were plenty of time I thought dying may be more suitable for someone like me that felt like nothing. Philosophically I do not mind being nothing in the grand scheme of things as the universe is infinite and I am but a wee dot in the picture. But when you feel like nothing in your life, when you feel like you mean nothing, when you feel like other things are more important than you, and you are no longer a priority and that makes you feel pretty worthless and  you should know that something has gone miserably wrong in your relationship. It is not healthy to feel that way, nor should you feel that way. I did everything I could because I did take vows. Even if I was unhappy I did take vows and I am a lady of my word. Through thick and thin I would have tried. Yet when what happened happened those vows were torn. Those vows were made void.

We were not meant to be and that's okay. I'm okay with that now. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because I will find my happiness without him. I will find my love without him. I will find someone who has always understood me and will always understand me, and who will be okay with who I am. Nathan said he wanted us both to get healthy-whatever that means- I know he was no longer in love with me and I had already kind of accepted that. How could I have not known. When you don't go out anymore, or you start going Dutch all the time, or you don't feel a caressing hand touch you out of joy of being by you, there is a problem. Our relationship was no longer healthy. I was very unhappy and denied it to myself because of the vows I took. I know now I made my vows to the wrong person. We made vows to one another because we bonded over a pregnancy. There is no way we couldn't have. But facing the reality of things, that is why he was in love. I feel now that because I may never be able to carry my own child, because I may not be able to give someone a family of their own DNA that he was unattached. It's funny because he wouldn't really recognize things I would do to try and look nice yet in the last few days I have been complimented on the smallest of things. Like my nails look nice, or my eye shadow is really pretty (thanks Lauren) and so on. He once said "you don't get pretty for me but you do for when you go to school" he is referring to me putting on eye shadow and all that fun stuff. But I put that stuff on all the time. But that statement made me realize something that I never said to him- that was an insult. That mean that I couldn't be at home without being all done up and mean I was getting pretty. I should have someone who thinks I am beautiful and 'getting pretty' if all I do is blow dry my hair. It's clear he was no longer attracted to me. We went on a vacation and we were not intimate that was a big sign. I feel worn by negligence because all I wanted was affection. Perhaps I have rewritten what I wrote in past blog posts but I feel this all needed to come out. I wish I had a time machine and I could go back. I also now think I understand more why I lost my pregnancies. If I had had those pregnancies go full term I would be in a huge mess right now bc it be harder to separate. It be harder to let go. Right now it's actually quite easy.

It's easy because we weren't meant to be. It's easy because we didn't sleep in the same bed so I don't feel alone sleeping by myself. It's easy because I have people that understand me around me reassuring me I am a beautiful, strong, loyal, kind person who deserves to be truly happy. Nathan was not happy either. Which also makes it easy to let go. He can find his happiness with someone else tomorrow and I would be okay because I do not need something so unhealthy in my life. He may have initiated the divorce but I was not actually going to work on anything if he had been honest with me anyway. I would have asked for one. I only said I would so I could get the respect of being told the truth. But I don't even need that. I don't need that because I am stronger than that. I don't need to waste the breath talking about it There are more important things in my life. He may go his way and I go mine. I am hurt only because of the fact that I gave my everything to someone I was 'trying' to keep loving, to someone who didn't love me like a wife. Goodbye to that mess. Goodbye to an unhappy marriage. Goodbye to a façade. I am okay. I am fine. So no reason to ever worry for me. I don't need anything in my life not worth living for. And that is how I felt. Lastly I would like to point out something my sister pointed out- When I went through my psychosis I didn't go to the psych ward because I was worried about school. I didn't want to miss classes and do poorly. What's wrong with that? I was married and I refused to go to the psych ward not because of my husband but because of school. My husband wasn't that understanding through that phase. He didn't turn in internally to maybe see what he may have been doing to my mental state by ignoring my needs. That said it all right there. When my sister said that I felt soon our relationship would come to a fork in the road and we each would walk our own path. May he find someone who he can actually love because it wasn't me Goodbye to that part of my life. Tomorrow I am filing for dissolution and I'm okay with it. I really am. I feel happy right now. I feel stable. Things are good right now besides losing my sister's mother in law. She I will miss dearly. She I will cry for. She I respected. She was tough. She was wonderful She loved her family and her husband so very much. That I will miss. I only hope when she passes in a couple days it is not painful. While her family and extended family will feel pain because we will miss her, she will never be forgotten. Not ever. She will always be loved.

I truly feel now that I had to make the mistakes in relationship choices that I have to make myself grow. To make myself into someone better, stronger, smarter, wiser, and someone who has a better perspective on what love really is. What I really want. I will grow beautifully, and I have. I have realized what makes me trigger an episode, I know what I don't want, and I know the reason for why things were in the past and now they are making sense for the future. I am thankful for my life and for further experience in life so I know what actually means something and what really doesn't.

Thank you for reading my novel of a blog again. Soon enough I will be writing about different things. At this moment this is on my mind. Soon it will be all over though.

Lea

Divorce of a Bipolar Wife

All I ever did was try and give my love. If it was through encouragement, generosity, at least trying to understand, and giving my love. All I asked for in return was love, affection, understanding of my issues, and an appropriate amount of attention/intimacy. Did me and my husband fight? Of course we did. I feel that is part of the territory of giving a shit. Frankly, for two years we were perfectly good. We lived together alone while yes I did most if not all of the house work usually, and then took care of food and feeding the pets as well. I would get bad manic episodes especially when I was not on my meds but that is something I cannot help. I cannot help that sometimes I feel lost in this big bad world. Or that sometimes I feel in like I am in solitary confinement because those around me will never truly know what it is like to have bipolar. I accept my flaws and am quite up front about them. Here's a small list

1) I can be very high on life during mania and that means I am frisky, I spend money (but never to the point of not keeping enough to pay bills) and I am easily agitated but will calm down after a few moments alone.

2) When I am manic I can be a handful because I am extremely aggregated, and not doing something I find is important makes me very upset. During these times I cry quite a bit, or will be very quiet because I have nothing to say because I am in my own head.

3) I need attention. I don't ask for attention 24/7 but as a sensitive person I need attention from those I love. Perhaps this is not a flaw but some apparently think so. I liked to be hugged, kissed, cuddled, and caressed and I am very upfront about this.

4) When I get angry I don't get normal angry I get raging angry. Everything feels like it is on my shoulders, or I feel too alone, or I feel no one get's it. This is part of my illness that I cannot help.

5) I can become so depressed death is on my mind constantly . To date I have never tried to commit suicide but those thoughts have crossed my mind when I feel I am being attacked for being mentally ill. It makes me feel like I am nothing and like no one will ever understand or just don't want to. These moments are the hardest for me. Especially if they are a mixed episode. I am agitated, irrational, depressed, and I need attention. I just do. I need someone to just hug me and let me cry in their arms. That does the trick. If I am yelling and you yell back it will only make things worse. I you just hold me and tell me it's ok everything is ok, I love you I calm down. My mom used to do it and so did a couple of my ex's and it just did he trick.

These above things are part of me. I cannot in anyway control them on my own. I need medication to help me or I need someone who can be very understanding. If you cannot do that, if you do not take the time to look up and research what it really means to me bipolar then you shouldn't even bother with me because it clearly won't work. I am also a very generous person. I do everything I can for those I love and for strangers (I give to the homeless whenever I possibly can no matter how broke I am). I am very intelligent so I do not like to be treated like an idiot- that will really piss me off and you will get rage mode from me.

I have physical issues I cannot control. I have degenerative arthritis, arthropothy, a bulging disk, a pinched sciatic nerve, and a tear in my hip. This may mean I need help lifting things, walking at times, getting up (which can at time be very hard for me now). I need and cherish understanding. I know have illnesses is not sexy but I cannot help it. I don't need someone telling me to go workout, to tone up, or whatever. I will do what I please and would never let myself become a weak withering little lady. I am still strong but I just have issues.

My marriage to me was my life for the last year and a half. I never imagined that I would be getting a divorce so shortly after my marriage began. I meant my vows when I made them. I truly did. I did not ever intend to let things get in the way of my relationship. Sadly, the last several months have been awful for both sides I'm sure. The second we moved to his mom's we slept in separate rooms which was a red flag to me. I do not want to sleep without my significant other by my side. The difference between us was I don't care how small the bed is I want to be close to whomever I am with. If that is a flaw so be it. When we moved there it was like he reverted back to when he was younger and living there. We pretty much lived around each other. To be quite honest I did not want to move. I didn't. I love being around my family and I liked that we were around each other a lot more. Him sleeping in a separate room, a separate bed and us saying my room or your room was not okay with me. It made me feel alone. Very very alone. Yes of course I would snap and get angry because the second we moved there we lost all our intimacy all of our relationship had turned into something it hadn't been before. When you lose all intimacy then yes you do get very 'needy' because you are not getting what a normal person would find is an appropriate amount of attention.

I fought for it. I did. I wanted the love back, I wanted the attention and affection back. It was gone. It was lost somewhere. We didn't do anything for our anniversary, he last minute got me a card and rose for valentines and for my birthday I took myself to dinner. That didn't seem fair. So yes I was furious. I won't deny that. I feel I had every right to feel that way. I don't care about the gifts I care if you remember that I hate my birthday and so you make sure to distract me because it's what I would do for you. I would do anything for you if you needed it that is how love is for me. I will help you through horrible times and stick around to help even if your an ass because I can be that way too. I will do to you what I need for myself. But when you start pulling away there is not much a girl can do. Every attempt is turned down, every snuggle fest is forgotten. Cute texts are sent between each other and the second you get home there is nothing. None of those cute texts come true anymore. Kisses don't linger anymore no matter how much one wants it. Hugs become a rare occurrence. You get told "you broke them" like you are some sort of drill sergeant. You feel that the other cannot even get through his/her own thoughts of pride to see why you acted or reacted the way you did.

You see someone sitting there all day in fantasy land playing video games and you start to realize that that game gets more attention than you and what happens then? You get mad. You get hurt. You get upset. I played a lot of video games when we lost our first pregnancy but I was also very loving at the same time. However, when you come home to someone who doesn't barely talk to you because he/she is busy with a game, doesn't realize you are crying upstairs in your room for long periods of time you start to realize the other has no clue what they are doing to you. They cannot possibly realize why you are so upset and enraged. They call you the crazy one. You clean, you cook, you take care of business and there is a lack of appreciation. There is no way to get it in their heads that you are not being inappropriate with reactions, that you are being true to what the marriage you signed up for was. Then you realize that there is no caring left from the other side. He/she thinks you just are super different without realizing they changed and it simply made you upset.

The worst part is when you get so distraught from losing the relationship you had that you end up in a psychosis. You hear things, you see things. Things seem so manipulative. Your brain is no longer really yours. It has become its own entity and you are just a passenger in the your own body. Then when no understanding is to be seen you get told you are exaggerating your illness so you can act crazy. No. NO. I would love to not be feeling so crazy. I would love for someone to be there holding my hand throughout the ordeal not the controller. It is not fun to see yourself as someone else during a psychosis. The person in the mirror is not you. This doesn't always last a long time. Mine was maybe a couple weeks and then I got on meds asap. If your significant other goes through this it is because something in their life made them snap. You should look at your significant other, the relationship, and look inward to see if you had something to do wit hit. Pride is hard to get past but in a relationship you need to know that realizing you may have caused an issue or been neglectful then just realize it. It won't be a problem if you can realize it and work with your significant other to become stronger because of it. Do not just give them an ultimatum - deal with the game play or leave. That's not fair. I know marriages are never ever 50/50, sometimes you put more in than the other and sometimes they need to put more in than you but you never leave them hanging. You don't make them feel you are a chore. I listen. I care. I am kind. I am sick and I need affection. That's that and I have always been honest about it. I don't care what others think. People always take their families side or their friend's side and that's okay. I am grown up enough to know that. But during a time when you are going through a dissolution and being told you 'broke' them, when really neglect broke you is hard to deal with. How can you explain to someone that won't hear you that a psychosis comes due to strenuous difficulties that make you snap and that that cause is something that could have been fixed with affection. They don't get. They never probably will if they are too dense to get that you are the same you just had a bad episode. I didn't cause grey hairs all you had to do was love me. I didn't fight like crazy with him everyday. I was actually doing quite well the last few weeks now on my meds. It's funny because you get on your meds, you start stabilizing, and then all the sudden you are too much because you have proof of infidelity. It doesn't matter then though because that truth doesn't come out. A childish game of whose wrong and whose right happens. You cannot admit when you were bad and they can't either. Yet I can. I know I argued for the love I deserved. I know I was unhappy in that living situation because I was nowhere near my husband even when I sat right next to him. I know that bothered me beyond belief and I know I would yell when I would come to a snapping point. Sometimes others have a hard time seeing what they did, how they treated you, or how selfish they could be. I know that I asked for attention and it was not just because I wanted love it was because I wanted to feel cared for or feel like I meant something more than just 'this tucking crazy cunt". I am sorry if my arguments when shit was awful where 'crazy' but to me they weren't they felt appropriate. Maybe I flew off the handle because of my illness but that is only because when you mix a feeling of neglect with a feeling of manic you get the shit hitting the fan. But even when I apologize things need to start being worked on and if they are stagnant they go nowhere. It was stagnant. I did everything I could to get better and not fly off the handle- I got on my meds by my own free will, I started this very blog for therapeutic reasons, and I started drawing and writing to take my illness out on the paper. I gave understanding and even dealt with noting having much attention but that wasn't enough. Apparently being fine for weeks was not enough. Well so be it. I cried my tears. I have moved my stuff. I have yelled and I have talked and I have signed the papers. What can I say? When it is time to end a marriage you would have fought for under different circumstances, which you did fight for anyway, and when the other gives up when things get shaky the only answer is yes we can get a divorce.

Then you turn inward. You find yourself again. You find those friends who were the forbidden before who will help you. You remember what it is like to feel loved because you have friends and family surrounding you with care. You eventually will move past the pain, the hurt, and feeling of betrayal. You learn from your mistakes and may make new ones, but you keep going. He is not my life force. He hasn't been for a long time now as he hasn't been with me with me, just around me. I am not his life force. I don't think I ever really was. I knew what marriage was and I don't think he did. He is younger so that makes senses. The settings of our life changed and he reverted into some stranger. Funny he says he doesn't recognize me, but maybe that is because he has changed and the person he has become doesn't know me anymore only knows himself. That's okay. It's all okay. I can move on. I can now find someone who will take the time to understand what I go through, what I have went through, when I need support and will appreciate all my love, kindness, and generosity even if I am a little crazy. They will learn to just embrace that fact and love me for me. Won't blame me for them being overweight and stressed because really you cause yourself to be that way. No one makes you feel anything. You make yourself feel it. If you can't love who you are, you can't love someone else and that makes YOU feel something because of YOURSELF at that tine. He needs time to grow and mature. I need someone who is already there.

That is my peace. Thank you for reading my novel of a post.

Lea

Self Medicating; Mental Illness and Defining Who You Are.

There was a time that I had no idea who I was. Obviously I knew I was Lea, I was a decent person, and I was pretty intelligent. However, I didn't know who I was because everything felt like it was crumbling, I felt I needed attention because I thought it helped me cope with what I was going through, and I always was trying to figure out my morals, my goals, my view on life. When I found out I was Bipolar I didn't really know what to think. It made a lot of sense. I would want to be in a relationship because it made me feel more secure but then I would incidentally feel overwhelmed by the relationship, feel that I didn't know how to deal with my boyfriend when we argued, and I always felt that they were judging me because I would get so down or angry or even hyper. I remember having my ex storm out because I became so hyper-focused on a project I was doing I didn't notice him trying to talk to me. I honestly didn't even notice him leave. Granted he was pretty douchey but I didn't know how to deal with that situation. It seemed really stupid to me and immature, but I felt myself losing patience, getting angry, and being disgusted. I flipped out thinking wow how immature can you be, why would I even tolerate with this? Is it really that hard to believe I was so focused I didn't notice you standing behind me like a creep? I cannot help that this happens to me, nor is it that out of the ordinary as far as I know. The anger I felt was out of the ordinary as he really ticked me off by being so not understanding. He didn't understand much about me. He didn't realize why I would get overly upset by remarks made towards me, why I would get offended so deeply by rape "jokes", why I would get so angry at intolerant people, and why I got so offended or upset by jokes that poked at people with mental disorders. I get upset by a lot and I cannot control that. Somethings I get upset at I understand- people making jokes about rape, molestation, mental illness, pokes at people with bipolar disorder so on. I would also get very aggressive when someone I was dating would tell me to just fuck off, or get control of myself, or instigate me so badly I would rage out. It didn't feel very fair that I would get picked on by someone that was supposed to understand me. It felt awful when I would find something they did very disturbing, annoying, or just wrong and they wouldn't understand that me getting upset as I did was not because I wanted to be that upset. It makes you feel like an outsider and question if you have a right to be upset, and this led me to stay in relationships longer than I should have, to the point that it would exacerbate my issues.

When I found out I was bipolar it had made sense because I had issues with spending money (too much spending), I self sabotaged because of my impulses to do what at that exact moment felt correct (which was usually out of anger or depression or lack of caring), and I had a problem dealing with others. I just could not deal with a lot of people because I felt they just didn't understand anything, or that they were just so ignorant I didn't want to be associated with them. Most importantly I didn't like many people because I had alway felt stigmatized without understanding why. Finding out you have bouts of crying often, having a serious boiling point that caused rage, having a significant amount of pent up anger, having the feeling you should do whatever you feel like doing (which can be dangerous), and having the lowest of low depressions that made me lethargic and feel so demotivated I would skip work or quit jobs made me feel "At least I know why. At least I can understand that part of me now, and hopefully I can get it in check."

However, a big problem with being bipolar is the impulse that can be risky. I would get on meds and be doing so well. I would be able to be calm, stay pretty laid back and only have manic and mania episodes every once in awhile rather than daily, and I could get along with more people (although, I still disliked a lot of people). Yet, once I felt like I was at a good stable point I would get off my meds. For about a month, maybe two, I would still be okay and then there would come a time when it all came crumbling back down. I am not going to lie, there was a point in my younger twenties where I drank too much (around 21-22 maybe 23). I didn't drink daily, and I didn't drink during the day (like that really matters), but at night, because I have always been more of a night owl) I would drink and I would do this a few times a week. No big deal right? Most young twenty something adults drink a few nights a week until they get it out of their systems. My drinking was not like that. I drank to self medicate. I would drink because it usually brought my moods to a neutral, at least that's what I thought. It did not though. Sure sometime I would be what we call "happy drunk" but it actually made me much more hostile. I didn't really notice or I just ignored it. I didn't want to ever become an alcoholic like my dad, and that thought really scared me. But I didn't do drugs. It just wasn't part of my thought process, so I drank thinking it would move me away from the feeling of being "crazy". Being bipolar does NOT mean you are crazy but you certainly may feel that way when it is happening to you.


Eventually I realized that this was not okay. That drinking was making things worse when I was drunk. I am already impulsive at times so add drinking to that and it turns out to be a bad conclusion. Fighting as a grown adult is stupid, especially physical fighting. Getting in arguments with people you are in relationships with becomes a bigger issue than it was, and causing issues for other people. Additionally, I constantly pulled houdinis. This means that I would go out with friends and my sister and at some point I would get either very agitated by someone at the bar, or agitated in general for unknown reasons. When this occurred I would leave. I wouldn't tell anyone I was leaving and I would just disappear. Now this may not seem that bad but when you are downtown at 1 or 2 in the morning it becomes dangerous as there are a lot of creeps out. It also isn't safe to go disappearing when you are so drunk you can't see so well and you are walking around the city not really knowing where you are going to end up. I usually ended up in my bed alone, but there were times where some stranger would pull up and ask if I need a ride. Thinking I was invincible I would take the ride. I indeed ended up at home alone BUT WHO DOES THAT? I could have been in a lot of trouble or done something really stupid and regrettable. I always have to thank my lucky stars that I was lucky and never had anything bad happen to me. There is a story though that really shook me out of the drinking to self medicate.

I got very drunk at a bar and got into an argument with a co-worker who was there. I got a ride to another bar where my now ex was. I was so angry my friend behind the bar gave me the bottle of vodka (bad idea). I ended up being very wasted to the point that I started a fight with my ex. I don't remember any of this, the story I am telling is a story from those that were there. I went outside and started a fight with him, and embarrassingly I tried to hit him, and trip him (which I am not known to be violent at this point anymore towards people in a physical manner). I apparently then start screaming because he is bear hugging me trying to get me to calm down. A car with two girls pull up and I jumped into the passenger's lap and told her I was scared of what he was going to (I was screaming this). He actually did throw something at me and tried to pull me out of the car. This gave them the impression that he was trying to harm me. They drove me by my house, about a block away and I ran out (dropping my migraine meds and my phone in their car and accidentally grabbing the one girls purse.... oops). I passed out on someone lawn and was not responsive to anyone so I was rushed to the ER. I was so angry when I woke up out of this daze that it literally (and you can ask my ex or my mom) took 4 male nurses to hold me down. I had so much rage strength that they asked me if I had taken PCP. I started yelling at them that they were f*cking idiots and to check my blood for PCP. When they drug analysis showed no signs of any drugs they were not very pleasant towards me. I assume it was either because my rage strength was so great that it messed with them mentally because they needed several people to hold me down, and/or it was because I had been that vicious without drugs that it was more offensive that I wasn't on a mind altering drug. I ended up having my mom give the passenger her purse back in exchange for my phone and meds. The girl said she didn't have the meds and I am sure she thought they had some recreational use because they said "for pain", but they were drugs that dilated your blood vessels, so yea have fun with that. In the end, after three days of the worst hangover ever I realized how awful I was when I binged to escape my reality of having a manic mind.

I did date a guy who drank frequently and I would drink more often than usual when I was with him, but I usually did my trick of getting a drink and pretending to take a sip and when I brought my hand down would dump the shot on the floor (sorry bar owners). I did this because of how he reacted if I didn't want to partake in drinking or didn't want to go out. Like I said I ended up staying in bad relationships. Usually I only really drank two maybe three drinks, and only once in awhile did I let loose and drink more. However, this was not a good thing. I could have easily slipped back into that mentality I had had previously. This guy was a piece of work. He was overbearing, controlling, so insecure it was aggravating, nasty towards me, and I believe he intentionally instigated me to become super agro so he could turn the argument around on me. This didn't work because my rage was no thing you want to mess with. In the end I broke it off with him because I couldn't deal with his neediness or his manipulative games (like saying I am gonna leave you if you don't do x or if you do y.. he would do this often and throw shit all around the room and try leaving when he was sauced and I would have to sit in-front of the door for hours until he gave up. It was such a disgusting relationship I couldn't stand one more minute of it and when he said ok well I'm leaving I said okay bye, with the encouragement of someone I thought was a friend but that's another story. I was actually engaged to this guy and had months before asked him to slow it down and he flipped out on me like any alcoholic would. So we broke up a week before we were to be married and I couldn't have been happier. He of course spread the rumor that I cheated on him, which I did NOT but I didn't really care because I was away from him. He made my challenge with bipolar disorder more difficult).

Now I of course have done a lot of impulsive things like getting into relationships without thinking about it, breaking up with people very quickly and coldly, and deciding I need to do x right now, or I need to go buy x this second. I had not so much control over what I wanted, or what I thought I wanted.

I dealt with this kind of stuff for a long time. I would go into severe depressions that led to a corrupt state of mind. I would get so depressed I couldn't eat, sleep, think straight. It would cause me to be very aggressive, and in my much younger years I was violent but as I got older and learned to cope at least a little bit that kind of behavior subsided. I couldn't imagine myself doing that kind of harm unless I was defending myself.

At anyrate, when I got away from that relationship I slowly was able to get away from the bar scene. Yes I had a couple nights of getting drunk because I was trying to deal with the craziness of the situation, but I did stop drinking except for a glass of wine with dinner every once in awhile. I am to the point now that I don't drink nearly ever and to the extent that a half of a drink will get me a little tipsy.  My point is a lot of bipolar people and anxiety ridden people will self medicate and submit to awful relationships. When this happens you have to get out of the relationship because it will affect how well you deal with your disorder, and because it will cause you to self medicate more, and this can lead to dependency.

I had to come to the point in my life that I felt I was smothered, I didn't know who I was, and I didn't have the ability to cope to realize what I was doing to myself was wrong. I had neglected my intelligence and went back to college, I would stop a relationship that didn't make me happy or matter to me and I found the love of my life. Finding someone that can help you cope and can support you through your episodes is someone you want to be with. If being in a relationship is not something you want, which I did feel that way around 20 and 21, then that is fine too but you have to learn to deal with yourself. Actually even when you are in a relationship you have to learn to deal with yourself, support yourself, and instead of making yourself feel helpless or lost you need to find ways to make you feel better and encouraged.

Finding ways to deal with mental illness can be very tricky because there are times where it gets so out of hand you have no idea who you are. That usually means you are off your meds lol. Usually when I am on my meds I know when I am going overboard, or I can recognize something that has started to make me angry shouldn't be. Not everyone needs meds, some are very capable at dealing with their mental illness but for severe cases like mine it is damn near impossible. I cannot ever control the panic attacks or when they come, and I have a very difficult time bringing myself down to earth when I have surpassed the rage mode or manic depression level. The anxiety will stress you the hell out and can affect your entire day which is why I usually suggest some sort of medicine whether it be a modern medicine or an herbal supplement like valerian root (which smells like farts and you usually need two at least to combat a panic attack), these will calm you so that you don't lose focus all day. I know that when I start to panic all I focus on all day is how I was panicking, what if the panic attack comes back, and so forth. I have accepted this as part of my being and embarrassed it by letting people know that I get these attacks and sometimes I need support because they overwhelm me. Communication goes a long way. So don't be scared to admit your issues, and don't be scared to ask for help, tell your professor I need an extention I am having some issues mentally (they usually do make exceptions for you), and tell your family so that they can understand and help. This also allows them to realize why sometimes you may act out or seem overboard but by knowing what's going on they will realize you aren't trying to burn bridges.

I have come to realize who I am. I am a beautiful young woman (I used to see myself as a complete wreck of a person), I am an intelligent being (I had times were I thought I was just so dumb because I couldn't control myself and didn't know why), I have a very amazing mind that does have a compulsion but one that makes me want to learn things fully and thoroughly and if I don't read all the information I want I feel like I can't focus, I am stronger than I think (I always felt weak because of my mental illness but really it is just a part of me that I can make use of rather than look at it negatively), I love wisdom, ethics, helping the needy (which helps with my deep depressions), giving love to others because it makes all parties feel nice, I am very empathetic towards animals to the point where I will cry if I see one being harmed, I am a person that loves music as a form of therapy, I am a person that is so passionate that I get very involved in my projects, and I am not a push over. Now maybe this all sounds narcissistic but it is a coping mechanism to see the positives in yourself, and describing who you are. I know I want to help others, I want to defend those that are left behind, and those that are stigmatized (mentally ill, certain races so on). These things give me perspective on what I want to do. By having this perspective I can the courage to not just impulsively stop because things get overwhelming, which I used to do frequently. You have to come to realize that you are smart, and amazing, and special. That your mind is different but that doesn't mean it has hindered you. By having encouraging goals and thought about who YOU are teaches you ways to deal with life while being mentally ill. And here you can find support from me and maybe some good advice.

I know this was another long one so if you made it down to this point thank you. I hope this helped you in viewing life through a different perspective. Please feel free to leave comments or ask for advice or whatever.

Thanks

Lea Silva