The Never Understood

Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs "CAN YOU PLEASE GIVE ME ONE BREAK AND FOR ONE SECOND JUST TRY AND UNDERSTAND". I want to say that to a lot of people that have been or are in my life. It is not a choice to be mentally ill. It is NOT a choice.  At the current moment I am going through a manic-depressive episode. It is not fun for me at all. You get a nagging nagging nagging in your head all day about all sorts of things that may seem minuscule to some or may seem dangerously dark. It's simply what happens when I go through these episodes. I have NO control over it. I can try and calm myself, try and find things to do to keep me from wanting to just die, try and find people that are willing to try and understand, try and get the people or person I want to be there for me to help me but that doesn't mean any of this ever works or that I can ever get anyone to just be there. How do you tell someone "I am trying to reach out to you, and I need you" and actually get them to want to be there. It is no offense to anyone else when I specifically want a certain person or persons but at the same time I cannot make those people be there for me. Some people do not get it or don't want to and I cannot make them.

How do you deal with something you do not understand or do not wish to understand? I do not know that you can. I wish everyone just could. Even if they felt what I felt for one minute then maybe it would give them greater insight. How I wish I could do that for some people. 

When I am manic there are times when I can explode into a frustrated ball of madness, or times where I just get super upset and have a breakdown, and other times where I am just irritable or depressed. I am not always like this so I would hope those who love me could just be there for me when I get like this but again I cannot force anyone to do anything nor can I get them to understand. Sometimes I feel punished for these 'outbursts' and I do not feel that it is okay. I cannot help it. I cannot stop it. There is usually a trigger and that should be paid attention to not ignored and I never said anyone could not be mad that I get this way but a little empathy and compassion would not hurt. I cannot expect anyone to do anything ever. I couldn't even expect my ex-husband to 'deal' with me as he put it. He knew what and who I was and still wasn't willing to take a deeper look at the situation and try and understand. Some people aren't. I do not know that I can blame them for it either because who wants to deal with someone like me. I seem irrational to most people and my emotions can be so overpowering that most people just think 'oh she is overreacting'. But to me I'm not. To me that is how it works. That is how my brain works. I do not constantly question why so called 'normal' people (or people who aren't mentally ill) do not think my way. They just don't. 

I am always feeling judged. I always feel like people, even people I love, look at me and just think sometimes 'she is too much'. But too much what? I will never know how to explain what I go through. How my brain works or why I do or did what I did. It isn't really a possibility. Words are not enough. I can put words in tons of different orders and still I feel people do not understand. I do feel many other mentally ill people or bipolar people can understand but that is because they know what it is like to have a brain that literally works and is formed differently. There is evidence of that and evidence that in our genes and DNA we are different. Our emotional centers take over. If that takes over so much, so powerfully that what we see in reasoning normally is not the same at the time of the emotional override. I am not downgrading emotions here. They are useful resources for us. They help us build are moral values and ethical systems but that does not mean they cannot be destructive too. Our reasoning can be destructive. Over reasoning can be an awful thing. But when an emotional override happens (I am going to use those terms because it is probably the easiest way to explain this even though it doesn't really cover all) it's like a link in the chain has been broken. Something happens. Something detrimental happens. 

From personal experience I know that I can go from feeling great and happy to enraged within seconds. One trigger and then all the sudden everything in the world is on fire in my eyes. Nothing matters except getting the rage out. If I do not get it out it will linger and most likely turn worse or into something worse and more dangerous. How I get this rage out depends on the situation. In my past whoever was closest got hit with it, especially if they were the trigger. Through therapy I have worked to not do that. At least not as much as I used to or as harshly. I have learned to recognize this happening and to try and leave the situation or room. Sometimes I have to throw things (unbreakable things now), scream, rip something up, hit something (I have broken fingers and toes from this but it still helps) or let it gather until I collapse from the exhaustion it causes and cry. It seems weird and terrifying to others. It seems crazy. So try and imagine how I feel.

That is not the only thing that happens though. I can also be triggered into being dangerously upset or sad or depressed. When this happens I will snap and have a breakdown. It may be one that causes me to say hasty hostile things, irrational things, depressing things like "I want to just die" or "I wish no one had to deal with me ever again" etc. These moments are especially hard for me. I have no control. I have none. What can I do. I can walk out of the room or turn my phone off but that doesn't always work or sometimes I cannot push myself to do it. And if it is a depressive mood me being alone is probably not wise. I have sedated myself before. I have never admitted that out loud to anyone except my boyfriend. I couldn't take it. No one was there and I didn't care. I wanted to be gone from the world. I sedated myself and slept for days. I woke up here and there to go to the bathroom or get some water but that was it. When my ex-husband finally came around to asking me what was wrong or if I was feeling well I just said I was sick and he took me at my word. Which is fine. What else could he have done. But during these times I am needy. I need help. I need love. I need empathy. I need unconditional friendship. I need someone to be there without judging me. When I get like this it is harder to explain than the rage. I do not know where to even start!

Something happens maybe, or maybe I am just in a bad episode. Either way I start to feel this dread come over me. This violation of my happiness occurs. The darkness starts to roll in and fog all the good out of my mind so all I see is the sadness, or the bad, or the worthlessness of myself. It is horrifying to experience. I cannot speak for other mentally ill people but I know that a lot of time this makes me hate myself. I dwell on all those little things I have ever done, or all the bad things happening and cannot understand why I am even here. Why anyone wants to deal with me or be my friend. Why I even want to be here. That is how awful it feels. And I do not want some pity party. This is not a woe is me. This is just part of me that I am trying to explain. Sometimes I push during these times. Sometimes I push people away from me because I do not know why they even want to be around me or be my friend or love me because I think I am awful in those moments. There are also moments were I push because I consider killing myself. If I am going to I do not want anyone liking me because then they would be upset. Yes, I know this sounds crazy to a lot of you but it is just how it works for my brain sometimes. Of course I know I can push all I want but the people who really love me will still be there. When the darkness falls in my mind and all is consumed all I can see is the black. The detrimental black. I see things or notice things that most others probably would not or get bothered by things most people wouldn't get bothered by. When this happens a lot can set me off. A stressful moment, some bad news that probably isn't that bad, having something not go my way when I really wanted it to, having a feeling that someone I love is being distant (this may not really be the case but I see it that way which only aggravates the depression and makes me think "See I am not worth anything"), or I could feel that things are just crumbling around me when really they may not be. But if I get hit by something like that then I will have a break down of some sort. It may be that I just collapse crying, roll up in a fetal position and cry, stare at things that could kill me, freak out beyond recognition to where someone will have to forcefully embrace me to calm me, or I could fight with you. Not physically but vocally. I may start a fight over something that seems really dumb or over something out of our control but it just happens. I have no idea why. I will never be able to tell any of you why this is happening. The only thing I can do is apologize if I hurt your feelings because I said something nasty or something I didn't mean, or for making you feel like I am just a bundle of dread. I hate that. I am always worried I will be left behind because most reflect back on those bad moments where it is just bad. Where the mental illness is just dark and depressing. But that isn't all me. So when these things happen I just need understanding. That doesn't mean anyone has to actually totally understand what I go through it means I need that person to take a minute to realize that what is happening to me is not controllable and that I need to just calm down and whatever I say needs to be taken with a grain of salt. I don't mean most of it when I am fighting. Somethings I do because there are things that upset me and I will say them but other things are just me blowing out the steam. I always apologize or try and make up for it though. Always. 

There are some people who will tell me I have no reason to apologize for things I cannot control but I feel like I do. I shouldn't say those things and while I feel there isn't much control beyond where I have come to now in my life that I have hurt someone and need to make it right. If I am crying all day I do not apologize for that. Sometimes that needs to happen. If I am stuck in bed all day I do not apologize for being gloomy just as I would not expect a depressed person to apologize for being depressed. However, I do when I know I have overreacted in a way that hurt someone or upset them. Forgiveness is needed though and that is the understanding I am looking for in those moments. Trust me I punish myself quiet a bit for having those moments. I already feel awful about myself and when I cannot control my ridiculous temper or emotions it makes it even harder for me. So please, to all my friends and family, give me some slack sometimes (most of you do). When I ask for help please just help. When I need to just bitch and I raise my voice know I am not yelling at you but the world. When I say I want to be left alone it is not personal which is why I understand when others tell me they need to be alone. Usually though I do not want to be alone for long because I know it is not that healthy for me. It can make me worse so sometimes I need to be forced to be put into an environment with another person. Even if it's just watching movies with mom or Shawn or my little sister or calling my older sister. I just can't be left to my own devices for too long. Or it get's worse.

Getting help is sometimes hard too. I may want to see a therapist at this moment but actually getting to talk to one takes a long time. You need an intake interview and then eventually, after weeks, you may finally get to see someone who will actually listen and be someone you feel comfortable with. I have despised most of the therapists I have had accept one. However, she still didn't seem to take some of the things I said into consideration or was very unresponsive to the help I needed. So sometimes I just need a loved one there instead. Please never give up on me.

I need to bring up also that I have other episodes. I have mania sometimes. These modes can be hard to deal with too because I get wired and high on neurotransmitters and hormones. I am UP UP UP. I am through the roof with energy and I can stay up all night for days in a row. I want to just do stuff and can be aggressive, and sometimes hostile but I just need to GO. For many this can be quiet annoying. I sing a lot and I goof around too much and I have a hard time being serious. And if this high get's ruined I get agitated.  This kind of episode is harder to explain and hard to control. I have no real way of coming down. I have meds but as I said in the last post I stopped taking them because I was worse on them than off. I need to find activities during these times. Tons. Or I need to be socializing or working. But have faith that these episodes for me last a lot less longer than the manic-depressive ones.

And then for most of the time you get me. I am still different. I am still very sensitive and emotional. I am still needy and I know no one in the world could possibly give me all I want because I want everything. But I do not know that is always a flaw. I feel when I love you in any form my neediness comes in hand. I am more generous than most because I want to be there for you. I want to be around people I love. Sometimes it is only a specific few or maybe just one person but that means I am there always for you for whatever. I may be sensitive but for me this gives me an edge most don't have. I can pick up on things most can't. I can find the small details that matter but are hard to find. I can see logic where some can't and I can find solutions where others may not see one. My emotional state is usually high but that makes me empathetic to others. I am humble and very generous. I will be there for you whenever you need me because I, emotionally, can understand what it is like to need help, or a shoulder to cry on, or a hug, or whatever. So being bipolar is not always bad. It makes me a perceptive, interesting, and loving person. If you can handle my episodes than you also get a kind friend on the more normal basis. I have made mistakes and will make more but that doesn't mean I won't make up for them. I am never going to be perfect or ideal. I will be that woman most think is just off her rocker but that is ok. I have accepted that this is me and I would only hope those who love me or are friends with me would be accepting too!

Now my last point. I need to get this off my chest. Someone young I know, and I am not naming them here because that is not my place, is not doing well mentally. She is having issues that are deep. I know those feelings and the hardship it causes on one's self esteem. I know that it hurts so badly that you will do anything to try and make it stop. Considering suicide is usually one of the key answers to this type of pain. I am fortunate enough to have convinced myself of ways to not do it or to talk myself out of it. I imagine my mother's face finding me dead. I cry every time I imagine it. I am literally tearing up right now. I know what it would do to her and I can't handle it. I know she is strong but that would devastate her. I have never been to the point, obviously, where my internal pain overrides this caring for my mother's devastation and I hope I never get there. I know my whole family would be upset but what always does it is seeing mom's face. This young lady I am talking about though, I do not think she has that. She does not have that thing yet to tell her NO this will do something you do not want to happen. I see the pain in her and I empathize so deeply. She has been committed now for fear she would kill herself or try. She has been doing self harm and doing inappropriate things. I honestly believe she is trying to say something without saying it but I do not know what exactly yet. Of course she wants to call for help but won't directly do it. It took me a long time to actually admit when I needed it. But I think there is something else. She is clearly feeling insecure which is shown by her actions and she is acting out of control for a reason. What she needs is understanding which she has by most-maybe not her peers but by her loved ones. However, without the correct hope she is going to push it too far one day. One day it could severely harm her. One day if she does not cooperate she could lose a lot of the things and people she has. So I feel since I can empathize deeply I need to find a way for her to reach to me. I do not know exactly how but I will find a way. This is affecting me deeply. I am already going through an episode but with this on top of it and my grandma's (who is no longer here) birthday being yesterday I feel dark. I feel lost. I feel alone. I am worried and stressed and I need to release it somehow. I need someone, someone specific. But I cannot control that that someone be there. I just wish I could take all her pain away so she could just enjoy her beautiful life. I wish I knew how to get her to realize that the feeling of self-loathing isn't always there and sometimes you get a break and realize you are worth it. If you can find the good in you, the things that make you special then you can get through your harder moments of believing you are not worth anything. I will find a way to show her this. I will. I cannot find her dead one day. I cannot get that call. I have to find a way.

Please pass awareness out about mentally ill people. Be understanding and try, even when it is hard, to empathize and give them a chance. It can be hard to tolerate. It can be difficult to deal with someone going through these things but never give up. That in itself can make that person fall from where they finally got to back to a worse time. I know it is hard and sometimes walking away from me or anyone like me seems like a better and easier bet but remember that those people are hurting. They have an internal pain that is hard to understand and is pretty uncontrollable. Of course there are ways to get better at dealing with it and we try, I believe most of us try really hard to cope and deal with it. I know I have worked extremely hard and always will. But bringing awareness to the problem is something everyone can do. Helping people get educated on what these mental illnesses do to people can bring the mentally ill more ease of access to help or at least to more helping friends and family. You can be aggravated at them, mad at them, upset with them, but just remember that they are not like you and never will be. They cannot control a lot of their feelings and it affects them deeply. Just spread some love.



Lea

The Good Days

I haven't written down any feelings lately because I have been quite stable which is a wonderful thing. Now in the last several months I have gone through a lot, been betrayed a lot, gone through a surgery, and have become somewhat stable. It's a beautiful thing to be able to say that but I cannot lie and say everyday is a good day. I still have days where I contemplate why things happened the way they did, and I can become pretty depressed but my moods can change quickly given the right environment. When I am alone sometimes I become more maniac because I have too much time on my hands and I suddenly start analyzing things way too much. When that happens my mood goes down and sometimes it lasts a day or few. I become irritable or overly sensitive and sometimes slip into that dreaded mixed state.

Those are probably the worst (the manic depressive states). I don't want to do anything yet I cannot sleep at all or sleep very little. A few hours a night for several nights and that is awfully exhausting so then I get awfully irritable. Things that normally wouldn't bother me all the sudden become highly annoying or aggravating for no particular reason or the way people decide to talk to me really irks me. I don't like when men all the sudden believe they have this right to just ask me very personal questions, or say really sexual things to me or tell me what they would like to do with me. Like I am not dating you, I'm not interested nor have I even slightly insinuated that I am so stop doing that. It's disgusting and crude and disrespectful. I don't understand why people even do that! I have made no attempt to contact you or talk to you in that way and then all the sudden you feel the need to just blast me with these dirty texts or messages like come on. That's a definite NO in my book.

Now it doesn't matter if I am manic or not I don't like being talked to that way. I am a lady and like to be treated as such so unless I have a relationship with someone on some level then I don't want to hear that stuff because we will automatically become not friends. That stuff usually sends me into a little fit of anger though. When I am more stable I take it in better stride but that is just how my little world works. I get completely sensitive in a way that is not stable. Certain things can be said when I am not going through an episode and I won't be upset but when I am in an episode it becomes something that really hurts or upsets me. That can be horrible and unnerving. No one likes to feel that way. The worst part I think is when you become upset and the other person cannot understand why at all. You can tell someone all you want that you're bipolar, and even explain what that means, yet they still won't understand. I think I dislike more when someone thinks you are making a big deal out of being bipolar when HELLO it's a huge part of my life, of course it's a big deal. I mean I don't go around just blabbing about being bipolar but yes I will talk about it and other mental illnesses.

A guy once told me how I shouldn't write this blog and overreact when I am manic! What is that supposed to even mean? I am manic then I am overly emotional on some level! My blog, or your blog, is no ones business in respects of them telling me or you that it shouldn't be written. I'm not sorry you are not comfortable with it, or with yourself being bipolar or mentally ill, or believe it will be held against you (like you'd want to work at a job that stigmatizes you anyway). I'm not sorry about being open when I am manic, in mania or manic depressive. I will always be open because it would be highly dangerous for me not to be open about it. I have been there and it's not pretty. It's miserable. I am alone, and secluded in my brain which makes me more curious about things like dying. That is not okay. If someone can't accept me as a whole, cannot accept that I embrace who I am as a woman and a bipolar person then I don't want to be associated with you. It's that simple. There are so many people that don't have the courage to speak out and suffer horribly silently. I don't believe that is okay. The stigma can land people in horrible places. Many homeless people are mentally ill, cannot afford mental health care, meds etc. and it leaves them in an awful position being judged and on drugs or alcohol. I mean I used to use alcohol and that was not okay.

If everyone spoke up and explained to as many people as possible that would listen what it means to be mentally ill, what kind of care mentally ill people need, and what meds they do or don't need I feel there would be less stigma because it would be better understood. I believe people wouldn't ask me "Is bipolar disorder actual real?", "Isn't everyone a little bipolar?" so on because they would know. Maybe something should be taught about mental illness in high school but that's a dream that wouldn't come true in most cases. It takes a lot to keep me stable so I can only imagine what it is like for others, especially those without insurance (I've been there and it was rough). So while I enjoy being stable, I also know that I have to embrace myself and let people in when I am going through an episode because it helps me tremendously. But I have a lot of people around me that get it. Or get me. I hope one day more people have that too.

Lea

Terrifying Feelings of Surgery

In about six days and ten hours I will be getting a pretty serious surgery. This is the procedure that is documented to happen on my PT script: Scope/Labral Debridement/ Labral Repair/ Femoral Osteochondroplasty/ Psoas Lengthening/ Capsular Repair/ Capsular Plication / and Microfracture.

What this all means is I will have my labrum in my hip socket repaired and anchored. They will clear out all extra debris. They will suture the ligaments around my femoral neck, while also reshaping my femoral neck. Then Microfracture. This is pretty terrifying as this means they will drill lots of little whole into my bone so that stem cells will reproduce and grow new cartilage in my socket. Now this is kind of scary since I have heard it is quite painful to heal from. All this will be quite painful to heal from. My hip has been hurting me so badly this last year that I am actually excited for this surgery to occur because I can't take the pain anymore. It's awful. Not only was I left not being able to do all the things I wanted, I started having limited range of motion. No not because I didn't work out enough but because my femoral neck grew new bone and so when I try to raise my leg the next bone gets in my way. It's quite awful to be frank. I have been doing what I can to strengthen my leg more so the healing is easier on me. I will be wearing the bionic woman brace which will be so fun! Plus the rebound crutches.

With all the stress from the divorce and moving into my mom's again I started smoking a lot more. So I have actually been utilizing my E Cigs to help me cut down because no one, not even me, is smoking in the house after my surgery because it is such a big procedure that I don't want any chance of infection. Emotionally I have been up and down and I have finally become more stable. My anxiety is still on high alert but I think that for obvious reasons that is not surprising. It's difficult thinking about walking into a court house in 3 days and a wake up to get a divorce and then three days later will be in an operating room. I'm just grateful the divorce is before the surgery.

I believe I was so stressed inside my marriage that I lost some of my hair. I say this because it was noticeably thinner, my skin was duller, and I just was becoming more and more unhappy from lack of a lot of things. Now it's crazy my hair has actually become a bit thicker which was pointed out to me. My skin is finally looking better, and I have lost weight. Well that may be from the extra workouts and the couple attempts at riding before my surgery. I ride flatland and I just haven't been riding because the pain is a lot of times overwhelming so I decided forget it I might as well ride a few times before surgery because full recovery is six months. Then I will have three months of non stop physical therapy and who knows if it will go longer. That depends on my lovely hip which has dysplasia. Wish I had known that a year ago but I cannot say every radiologists does a great job.

My life is changing in crazy ways and sometimes it all makes sense. Even though some of it is bad it led to me realizing what I want and don't want. Plus I will finally get this hip taken care of and that's a blessing in itself. The pain physically from the hip and the back, and sciatica, mixed with bipolar emotions, anxiety, stress, and then of course the feeling of neglect do not mix well together. It's weird because at one point in my marriage my soon to be ex seemed to care that I was hurting and would help me, and then that stopped. I don't know that he lacked complete care but he even said "I'm going to stop coddling you" which I thought was strange. I don't think it is coddling when I am legitimately hurt and in pain and need help sometimes. Shit I almost fell flat on my face today when my lovely hip gave out on me. That was fun. I guess I don't get why people stop either believing your pain is legitimate or why they think it's good to let you just struggle to do stuff. I suppose it just got tiring for him but my family has not grown tired. My little sister is actually working all nights for a week so she can help me which is awfully nice of her. I have good friends that have been here for me through all the stress and bringing me back up, and I have my wonderful family. My days aren't sad anymore. It's a nice feeling. I don't feel like I have to walk on eggshells because I am a little crazy and some people just can't deal, even when they knew I am who I am.

I know I am all over the place with this blog post. I just guess I have a lot of different feelings at once I want to release. I don't understand the world sometimes but things start falling into place and then everything all the sudden makes sense. All I want is an apology. I know I can be a pain, I know I need to be medicated, I know I need a lot of help physically sometimes or I just get worn out from pain. I know those things about myself. But I also know that I still show care and I still show love, and kindness. I don't just leave that behind me. I don't just give up even if I really want to. I know I wasn't the only one unhappy. Maybe his unhappiness rubbed off on my unhappiness and then it fell apart. But to be quite frank I'm not even mad. I don't actually mind at all because that was not the type of relationship I want to be in or anyone should be in because all was lost. There was nothing. It was a separation within a household. Two people - one fighting for things to be OK because I'm just that way and the other well whatever. Now in a few days it will be over. That part of my life will be gone. It won't feel so weird anymore maybe because it will be legally done.

My life has changed dramatically in the last couple months. I have gone from extremely low, to the point where there were times I contemplated killing myself, to a state of shock, to a place where I felt safe and taken care of, and then finally stability. STABILITY. Something I haven't seen in a long time. I feel confident in myself once more. I feel happy to wake up and not feel pressure to be perfect or not be 'crazy' when all I ever was was me trying to feel happy, trying to feel better. I love waking up in a house where people don't give up on me and help me. Where people tell me they love me with sincere genuine love. Where I get hugged and complimented and told you're a good person, a kind person, a beautiful person. I get helped up again when I can't get up. I get help up stairs or down stairs and I get understanding when I need to be on a couch all day because my entire leg is on fire and my hip feels like it's crumbling beneath me. I haven't felt the way I feel now in a very very long time. I just haven't and there's no point in lying. I haven't been in my room crying for long periods of times or needing to take a shower so no one can hear me cry. No staring at myself and not recognizing myself anymore. I feel alive. I feel well. My issues will always be with me. ALWAYS because I have mental issues and physical issues but I am around people with a very deep understanding of that, of me, and what I go through. My mom said to me today that it doesn't matter if I need a painful procedure because I'm tough as hell. I walk around and get shit done even though I am always feeling pain. I may need a nap because it's exhausting but I get up and do what I need to do. Last year I worked on this hip, and stood for long hours on this back and some nights would leave in tears once I reached my car because the pain was horrible. But I had shit to do and bills to pay and I did what I had to do. I got through it. I get through it. So even if this surgery is painful, even if it does take me several months to have an almost normal hip, I am tough. My mom watches my struggle everyday and she told me today "you're tough as hell you can get through it no problem if you can get through everyday with that pain". That is encouragement at it's finest.

I just want to thank everyone who is there for me. Everyone who is helping me. Who is going to be helping me get through my surgery and recovery. I love all of you so very much. I couldn't be happier right now, and maybe some people think that's fucked up but it's not. He asked for a divorce and it turned my health and life around to a stable, happy, comfortable, encouraging, supportive and loving new leaf. So I will report back after surgery since I will have a lot of time on my hands.

Thanks for reading.

Lea

An Unknown Psychosis

Sorry I have not written in awhile, I have just been so disturbed by my thoughts lately, and atop that I have been busy studying for finals. I did finally see my psychiatric Nurse Practitioner who decided to up my Klonopin (for which I am eternally grateful for because I was having a bad time with anxiety), she put me back on Lamictal, and now I am to take 600mg of Seroquel a day. I hate that I have to use medicines  to help me get back on track but what's a girl to do when she cannot control her mood disorder? I am mentally ill and I needed help getting back to a neutral state.

There is this lady on my Facebook that has been bothering me a bit. She keeps posting that Bipolar meds are addicting and that I should just pray to Jesus. Then I posted a picture, which I will upload here, that I drew and she told me I needed Jesus. Now look, I have no problem if anyone believes in the Abrahamic religious traditions. I find they give many people hope that they would not be able to get without a notion of God but with that said do NOT push your values on me. I believe in a different type of creation story than you. I do not believe Jesus was the 'son' of God. I believe he was a man that was probably mentally ill, that really thought he was a prophet, and who despite the mental illness was probably a fairly nice guy and wanted to help all those who were suffering, make a kinder world. I don't say that to offend anyone it is just my view. I have studied the Abrahamic traditions for a few years now, I know which letters in the New Testament are forgeries of Paul, while also knowing all the other letters except for one are also anonymous letters ascribed apostolic names. It is not hard to date these gospels and letters as many of them use symbolic rhetoric to discuss the happenings of those times. Like Revelation is about the temple fall. I am detouring here. My point is this, there is a gospel that even says Jesus' mom and sisters said he must have lost his mind, so is it that hard to believe he was one of us. One of those people who heard things because of psychosis, which was unknown then, and had developed some sort of mental illness. I do not think so. He still applied morals to his life and others so who cares. It's up to you to believe in God if you want, and Jesus, but for me I do not need that. Bipolar medications are not addicting as a recreational drug is accept for Klonopin. I am a creative person who plays instruments, draws, and writes- sometimes very disturbing things, but that is not a reason to tell me to 'seek Jesus as he will save you'.

No one is saving me! I am saving me. I am saving me by taking my meds. I have a bipolar psychotic break and guess what - there was no Jesus there helping. I was hearing things, seeing weird shadows, hearing people screaming, and I needed my meds. I used to be ashamed of talking about it because who wants to tell people - "Yeah I hear voices and shit" um no one. Well I have come to realize the more open I am the more support I get from my family and friends, and online friends. My courage to speak out may help others to find support within their networks.

Going through a psychosis is not fun, it is not easy, and it is not controllable no matter how much you pray.  Usually you don't know what is happening. But I kept drawing pictures of myself with my head cracked down the middle like an egg with stuff flying out from it. I looked at my written journal, my handwriting was different, what I was writing was out there, and I was using pictures to help me tell myself I was losing my own mind. At least that's what it felt like. I didn't feel like me I felt like some other person and I was just trapped there in my brain handcuffed to a chair unable to control the steering wheel. It caused fights with my husband, who also didn't know what was happening to me, it caused me to think about death ( I know I have said this before but I want to describe everything), not just 'what if I kill myself' but curious thoughts on what would happen if I took too many pills and died, what would that be like, what would it be like to start dying and what would happen to me when I did take my last breath?  It was hard coping with everything and I felt completely overwhelmed. It didn't matter if I had anyone to talk to because my brain would switch into a different direction and all the sudden the nice talk I just had seemed to be a manipulative talk trying to get me to bend to a person's will. I was getting angry and then angrier, and then rage. I couldn't handle it. That's why I was so impatient about when I got to see my doctor because I was screaming in my own head "HELP ME, I'M LOST" but no one could hear me. How could they. The irrational side was full force. Then I lost the bird which was so saddening to me bc I loved him so much. Then finally something switched, like a trigger. All the sudden things seemed to be in focus but I was in and still kind of am a deep deep depression. I feel like I am finally coming up for air but I still am a bit lost.

I felt extremely uncomfortable talking to the NP about my hearing things and seeing things because my dear uncle (who passed away when I was 10 or 11) was schizophrenic and had an alter ego named ping pong. Ping pong was mean and did not give a crap. I would change the change and I would get yelled at even though he was 'sleeping' (Cleary he was faking sleeping probably spying thinking we were against him at some points). He used alcohol as self medication, and I would be called to coax him into taking his meds (which probably where ineffective due to his alcohol use). So I was worried I got the schizophrenic gene when I started to hear things. It's very unsettling. I am not saying that anyone with schizophrenia is bad, but I didn't want the downward spiral my uncle had. His schizophrenic break was fast and rapidly made him lose his senses. I was feeling that was going to be me. However, while reluctant to tell the NP I did. She informed me that all sorts of mental illness have their own psychotic breaks that cause psychosis. This means a bipolar person can go into a psychosis and have symptoms that are common to schizophrenics, and psychopaths and sociopaths can have breaks where they go on a harmful violent spree, or start hearing things or seeing things, or start becoming more moody quickly and so forth. That news didn't make me that relieved because I feel as I get older it is harder to manage the bipolar disorder and I get weirder, scarier symptoms. How terrifying is it to hear screams!!!! But I am feeling better so that is an upside. I guess I have to come to terms with the fact that I have a severe form of bipolar and I may have psychotic breaks (thankfully not violent ones) and I will have to hope my family and friends can understand what that does to me and how it will affect them but that they need to let it roll off and take those moments of psychosis with a grain of salt. It's not me really. I mean it is but it's my mind turning into almost a different mind. I am not in there controlling it really. I will have my moments of control but I will also more than likely say horrible or disturbing things, or feel awful and extremely agitated or easily upset. It's almost like helping a baby lol. I need a support system to help me through those times. A system of love and compassion that can deal with it even if they are too having a hard time. Perhaps both working together to get through each others issues.

I say all this because I want people out there to know there is someone like you. Someone who was scared of what those voices meant, what it meant to live with some seriously disturbing thoughts and to become irrational very quickly and have no way to even tell the person in front of you "THIS IS NOT ME, I AM NOT LIKE THIS MIND THAT HAS TAKEN OVER!!!!"

There is an upside though!! From my own experiences with my mental health/illness, and other bipolar folks, and from some research I have done bipolar persons are much more creative and have a way of being able to connect events and dots quicker than the average Joe. A lot of very amazing people were bipolar and on that brink of death and curiosity, and psychotic breaks who gave us wonderful pieces of art, wonderful scientific knowledge, wonderful books, new ways to accomplish logical algorithms, new ways of thinking philosophically, and beautiful wonderful music that makes life more mysterious and intriguing. I wish that everyone for a day could experience what we feel on our worst days and then experience how vivid things become for us when we hit mania, how easy it is to connect the dots to make a more rational conception of happenings, and a brain that can create the most wonderful of things. Being mentally ill does not have to be a bad thing. It doesn't have be stigmatized and it doesn't have to mean someone is crazy or stupid. In fact it usually means the exact opposite, that they are very intelligent, perhaps yes a bit crazy but that can be used for beautiful things. Not all mentally ill people abuse substances to self medicate, and even if they do it's not because they want to be out of this world it is because they truly believe it will help them, even if it is making things worse. So when you look in the mirror and don't recognize yourself because of the illness remember that you will come back, and resurface. You are still you. Your mind is still in there it's just locked up a bit. Some neuron is firing wrong but eventually things will go back to your 'normal' (your usual mental health/illness state that you are more accustomed to and mower accustomed to handling). You are all beautiful and great in some way. You all have good in you and no matter how hostile you may become, or 'crazy', or paranoid or whatever- you are still a sentient person with values, and good. You can help others, you can tell your story, you can make your art and you can have all the same abilities as others but maybe in a different way sometimes. Embrace who you are!


Lea Silva

Of course there is Neurons included. I don't know that I will have to explain this to most bipolar people and mentally ill. I explained it to my husband and I will do my best to describe it here. There is a face in the picture with a very distorted nose and a disproportioned eyes, nose, and mouth. That's how I feel often when my mind feels like it is not my own. I have a face in another area (this smaller one to the right) which represents my struggle with myself, and the fact that for me then t=0 (time equals zero). I feel I have lost in in many respects and the lower portion is a synapses eating my rationality. There is a shield which represents the psychosis because it was not allowing a proper ability to think straight. The chest with a broken key, and there are some words that represent the things I heard during my psychosis like "lea wake up" "lea hurry up" things of that nature. That's all I am gonna say because I feel it's an abstract and the rest you can try and interpret for yourself to see if you get anything out of it. It's purpose is to be a mess and crazy.

The Untamed Brain

Where to begin this post. Geez my mind is everywhere this morning which I guess is a good thing to document because so many people don't get how our brains work compared to those so called 'normal' people. I have said that I would love to have a day to know what 'normal' feels like because I know my mind works much differently than most peoples'. Yet, I feel I cannot really say there is a 'normal' mind, maybe an average mind.

I have wanted to feel normal mentally and physically for years. I guess I do though right because I am used to the way that I feel. I am used to the pain, the agony, the ups and downs. I know many know about my physical ailments but I want to share them with those that don't know. I have degenerative arthritis in my lumbar spine, accompanied with arthropothy (or however that is spelt), a bulging disk, a nicely pinched sciatic nerve, muscle spasms that are so bad they give me what I call a 'neck boned', and lastly, I have an abnormality in my right hip bone and a focal tear (which thanks to Medicaid should be fixed soon). So pile all of that on top of mental illness and you have me- one bat shit crazy lady that is sometimes neutral, most times manic, and often depressed severely. My husband and a bunch of other folks believe that I need more exercise and I FULLY AGREE. However, I just did an hour workout-dancing like a mad woman around the house as I have heard it burns more calories than most dull workout videos I cannot stand. I took time to stretch everything out nicely, then I went and showered. Well you know how it is usually the next day you are sore well today for me it was right after the shower. I literally fell down a couple stairs as my right hip and leg gave out. FUN! I have also started walking and by the time I get back to the house that hip is on fire. It's very hard to get motivated to do workouts when it ends up in not just the normal workout pains but some heavy serious pain because of your broken-ness. This never helps my mental state. I usually become lethargic and sedentary which is horrible for me

I like dancing around when no one is home, I love taking walks, I love feeling fit when I am, but wow how easy it is to become unmotivated. Mental illness then takes it's toll. You may not want to eat at all or you may want to eat everything in site. I kind of slide between the two. So I lose some weight and am cool with that and then I gain several extra pounds back and I am kind of mortified. Now I am a pretty confident person for the most part. I know I am not ugly, and I am by no means fat at 5'6'' and 142 pounds but my mind does not like working with me. I am a woman who believes that media is fucking stupid and makes beautiful women and men feel inferior and fat and I firmly believe that there is beauty in all bodies. What I hate is that when you are bipolar you can become extremely self conscious and that can be a tricky and dangerous situation because you may end up starving yourself or vomiting up your food.

So here is a TRUTH story;
When I was younger between 18-21 I would buy ipecac and hide them in my room. I would usually skip dinner, and my lunch would be minimal. If I ate a lot of food, guess what I drank some ipecac and would throw it all up minutes later. I know most stick fingers down their thoughts but ipecac was an easier solution and this is at a time when you could just pick it up in the first aid aisle. I don't believe you can anymore. I would workout non-stop (hours a day at home or the gym and at lease 5 days a week not to mention I was in the Army for two years so I thoroughly enjoyed PT because that meant I would get thinner. I even got caught making myself throw up in the unit building by a sergeant but she let it go and didn't bring it up but made me promise to not do it there again. It was surely embarrassing. I made weight, I was always find but I would just get these bouts of feeling so disgusting that that's exactly what I would do. Eventually I realized that this kind of action is making me worse. It's causing me to be sick and I was at a point where bowel movements without all the fiber pills and laxatives was damn near impossible. That still haunts me to this day. Days on end where nothing moves through my body. Which also makes it look like I gained weight when I am really just carrying pounds of food in my stomach because my intestines aren't working right.

The point: don't ever let someone you love who is suffering from Bipolar ever feel like you think she/he is fat, or sagging, or whatever. Just Accept the beauty they have. Sometimes we may blow up for a bit because of our meds but that doesn't mean we are not still good looking or sexy. We may slim down so drastically it's amazingly shocking but that doesn't mean we need to be told nasty things about that either. Who cares as long as they are healthy, alive, and there.

I guess I am in the mood to discuss this because of how I have been feeling. When I am really down I usually daily find something to fixate on- be it weight, manic episodes and why they are what they are, books, so on. I had to put our 20 some year old Cockatiel down and it is devastating. It sucked because I thought he couldn't feel any pain or at least not much because he had paralysis in his feet. We all thought it. But we learned at the vet that he was feeling it all. Just because they had no function didn't mean they were pain free. The little guy was literally trying to chew his one toe off. I held him in the vet's office watching how happy he was to be held, off his feet and pet. He had a way of smiling and I cannot get that out of my head that last few moments with him where he seemed healthy and I just wanted to run away with him. But it hit me; When I get old, or I get very ill I do not want to be kept alive for longer than I have to be-I do not want to endure the pain of dying- I do not want to spend my last days sedated by drugs just to have a few more weeks that I won't even cognitively be there fore. I realized I cannot hold Michael all day long to help his pain. I cannot put him through the torture of being forced into taking meds that will pretty much sedate him just so he can live a few extra weeks, or more like days. His feathers were changing colors, he was starting to smell very poorly, and something was not okay. He most likely had a tumor on his spinal cord (hence him not being able to move his feet), and to get around the cage he had to drag himself across the bottom with his beak. Then he would manage to get up on the little platforms I made him so he could just sit without tipping over. I wish I had known he was in pain. I wish I could have fixed him but it was either do a bunch of test to tell us he was dying or let him go. So we let him go. He deserved peace for once. He deserved to now have to endure all that pain and all sadness I think he felt.

I'm depressed because of that while being maniacally depressed. It's not fun. It hurts. I wish it could all just go away and I could wake up and feel good. I felt okay this morning after I worked out. But then I felt miserable again. I think my doctor will have a field day with me on Friday. There are so many symptoms to Bipolar Disorder you could write a book describing each one. Racing thoughts, immense guilt, anxiety, appetite changes, increased or decreased energy, increased or decreased sexual behaviors that could be dangerous, Drug abuse, worthlessness, making awful decision, being suicidal or simply thinking about death too often, etc. These symptoms are no joke and I feel the longer they go unnoticed or denied the worse they get which is why I am desperately clinging to the hope that my doctor will listen when I say I need an increase in mg for my meds. Nothing is helping really or I am double dosing to take me down closer to the neutral line on the really bad days. That's not okay. And even though I feel that a mania state is about to happen that is not good either because I feel a crap ton of anxiety through mania. I am feeling empty, like a passenger in my own body. I don't think I am even keeping my thoughts straight enough to make the point clear. Or I try and say the why and deviate to some random thought. This is almost exhausting and what am I supposed to do? I just want to scream at the world. I want to fall down and cry almost every hour and I just want to feel okay. For my sake and my family's sake. I feel I am losing it slowly and the bipolar is progressively getting worse with my age. I wonder if anyone else feels that way. I am sure there is but I have to get off here because I will rant on all day and never finish the post. Thanks for reading feel free to comment or ask for support/advice.

Lea Silva

Brain is Dysfuntional with No Repreve

I went through a really rough week, well two weeks and it was terrifying, I was hearing things when no one said anything, and I was feeling absolutely crazy. I had a couple mental breakdowns and honestly if I hadn't had class to attend I would have forced myself to go into a psych ward so I didn't burden my family. It was insane how I was feeling.

I had a nice conversation with my husband one morning talking about how we should communicate better and came to an understanding about how to deal with each others' issues and make it less stressful. Well that feeling of calmness and security vanished within NO TIME. I went from accepting the nice conversation and the seeming breakthrough we had with each other to "he insulted me, he doesn't care, I feel manipulated, so on". Now honestly I don't think he really did any of those things but the manic side, the depressed side (and I mean severely depressed side) sulked all day. Ranting in my head stupid irrational things like the above statements. I just grew more and more furious. There was no real reason to feel the way I was because we had a nice decent conversation.

Well we can all guess what happened later that night. I was so passed I sat scrunched in a ball at the end of the couch unwilling to talk or be touched. (mind you I had told him I wanted more attention and here I sit unwilling to accept anything). Well as I always do when I am manic I had what I call bipolar turrets and while he was walking to bed said you don't even care about me. And an argument ensued. Now it is has be hard to understand from an outsider's perspective why this happens, and why a bipolar person turns something good into something negative. We have very little control over these situations. Like I said it's like being a passenger in your own brain. You cannot control the little demon inside you making everything turn into negativity. It was really awful.

My husband said he didn't really know how much he could take of this because the argument was so ridiculous. I obviously understand he was overwhelmed but him saying that made me go into a different kind of panic mode and a weird depressive hyper alert state (mind you I was on 500mg of Seroquel and still acting like this). From an outsider's perspective I am the crazy one who needs to 'control' the outbursts but it just doesn't work that way. I am mentally ill so there isn't much controlling. I can demand to myself to go for a walk, leave the room, go throw something to feel better, but this argument this one was bad. I literally believe I was in a psychosis. There was no control over this demon spawn inside me. One moment it would repent the next it would scream. What I need in those moments is kind of hard to understand. When I get that way the person on the receiving end needs to just accept it and say Okay. Try to help me calm down and feel comforted. I know this is a very hard task because I am being ridiculous and saying okay is giving into my irrational demands. However, this will move me past that stage and usually into one of guilt that leads to be coming back to reality and apologizing.

My mom used to have to put up with this when I was a teen. I would flip out over little things. I literally broke my wrist punching a wall over a stupid flat tire. I mean who does that? I would scream or get hostile or agitated and flip out in a nasty way. My mom would take so much  and then slap me in the face after I went too far. Usually this would snap me back to reality, sometimes it made it worse. But as I got older and my brain knew what that slap would do I would grab her wrists so she couldn't. I remember this one time, I didn't know my strength (which the mentally ill can become extremely strong when they become hostile, stronger than they normally are). I will never forget the face she made when I grabbed her wrists probably with a look in my face of some girl with a demon inside me. She looked at me terrified that I had actually done this and the amount of strength I used to hold her. She said the words "you're hurting me" with a tinge of sadness and with glossed eyes and I immediately realized what I was doing and let go. It sunk me into suck immense guilt that I felt enraged- I know that weird to think about but it happens.

I have been dealing with this from most of my life and I panic, I go a bit nuts, I become someone else, and I can become very vicious. All I want is for someone to say okay fine and hold me. My mom used to do that. I would be in a very hostile and volatile mood and she would put her arms around me and rock me. It would work. But a mom caring is different that for a husband who has only dealt with this for a few years. He doesn't know the tricks yet and he let's it burden him. I completely understand why and I know that it would be difficult to handle someone with a mental illness you never had to deal with before and this is someone who deeply loves you and is all the sudden acting like a different person. Comprehending what is actually happening in my brain is not easy. Sure you can read up on bipolar, what it does to people, how it affects their train of thoughts but you will never get how difficult it is for the person with the illness. Some people just say "you need to find a way to control it" and that's just not really an option. Sure we can control our next move- either freak the hell out or try and find a solitary room and go crazy by yourself, or throw things to get the anger out or whatever helps. However, that doesn't always register. Sometimes you are in such a fit of rage that you forget that you can leave the situation, you can stop talking/yelling/screaming and just walk to a place where you can do whatever it is you need to do to calm down. Write a nasty message on a piece of paper, beat up your pillows I don't know but something. I forget this a lot. I have a very difficult time controlling what my body should be doing when I am in that kind of stage in my illness. It makes me sick when people think it is just so easy to control it, or that there are easy exercises that make it seem 90% better or whatever. Even on the best medications you still go through episodes, just not as badly, but as a severely mentally ill person you can go into a psychosis and have no clue who you are and have zero control. You are paranoid, insecure, feeling manipulated, suffocated, like everything is against you. Yea you can go do something to be distracted but it just boils in your mind all damn day. Never easing up on you just becoming worse. At least for me. Then the blow up happens.

My husband feels he was on his last leg when this occurred. I panicked and laid I the fetal position praying this wasn't real. He came into the room laid next to me and held me and talked to me and guess what, the mood passed. It wasn't just a scare that he would leave me, it was him coming in, accepting things were not good, and still laying down and holding me. Now I do not want to make him feel burdened by it all. I don't. I don't want him feeling this will be the train wreck that will happen all the time. But he does need to understand it will happen here and there. My Brian works in mysterious ways. I need him to know that when I get like that he shouldn't let it weigh him down and that just accepting it and letting it pass and holding me, because at some point I will collapse from exhaustion, will save the situation. No I am not putting any blame on him I am just saying this so maybe other spouses can understand what it is like for us and how I think one could help the situation. There is really no wrong and right when being the one trying to deal with a mentally ill, as long as you are not abusing them, because we cannot accept you to understand the whole of the disorder like we do. But there are ways your bipolar lover can be tamed or calmed down. Brought back to reality. Because let's face it I go to a whole different world.

That's why I understand when I hear someone killed themselves because they could figure out what was real and what wasn't anymore. That's how I feel sometimes. For instance, did my husband really say this or did he really manipulate me- in one world, the one of the rational Lea, I say no of course not, but in the irrational world of my bipolar alter ego I say yes and start a war in my head. I actually had a war with myself about taking all the meds I had and laying myself down to sleep. Somehow I, the rational Lea, won that battle. It took days for me to realize that there is no point to kill myself because this will all pass, me and my husband can always work things out and the world is not really crumbling around me. But it was hard. It's hard for everyone who is bipolar. It's like no one gets it unless they are bipolar and yet, even then some bipolar people say stuff like those meds won't do nothing for you except make you a dull person, or it's bullshit to say you can't fight it. I feel like some of them are either in denial, or have a misdiagnosis because I have seen that many people are being diagnosed with bipolar just because of anger issues and I don't think that is right or good for the patient because they are being put on meds they don't need and that can harm them because they aren't bipolar.

My main point here (which I have to state because I have been rambling) it that the awareness needs to be spread on how to help your loved one cope with his/her illness without letting it weigh you down or make you feel that you have to give too much of yourself to the point of feeling exhausted. We all have something that brings us around to reality or grounds us and I don't know that we always communicate that to our lovers. So I want this blog to reach those that don't understand, or want to understand, or need to know how to cope with their bipolar spouse. Thanks for reading. Feel free to comment with any further advice or questions!

Lea Silva

It's a Mad World

Today I am not that okay. I am so not okay I deliberately threw a glass so that I could get some of my rage out. It was stupid of course but I could not keep it contained and I didn't feel like yelling. Normally I would have thrown something unbreakable but today I wanted to see something shatter. Maybe that says something about my subconscious feelings at the time. Maybe I feel shattered or felt shattered at that moment so I wanted to shatter something else. A weird kind of misery loves company song right.

Sometimes I just feel totally fine and the next thing I know I am in shambles or on the rocks looking down at the plummet, feeling angry, morose, dehumanized almost. It's a weird kind of feeling to feel dehumanized. Is it brain connections that do that sort of thing? Make you feel as if 'this cannot possibly be real, I am not real, nothing around me is connected anymore'. It feels terrifying to think that way and there is nothing I can do about it. I can pinch myself like in the olden movies where they say 'I had to pinch myself to make sure it was real' but it never does help. It's an uncared for feeling that plummets you down the depths of endless lost caves and frightening sounds of your life feeling like it is crumbling around you. Like you're in a movie and you're the only one who doesn't know it. How strange a concept that is and yet that is my perspective sometimes. If I died would I just wake up again in some other world I didn't realize I was actually in? That's how it feels.

Dehumanized- why would someone feel that way in their own human skin? I am not so positive of the answer on that one. Perhaps because I feel all the cares I have are nothing and it's not worth it to care for or because it seems no one else cares about them. Maybe it is my brain saying something to me I don't understand in Morse code and I just don't get it, and because of that I don't feel human I feel OTHER. I do. I don't know how to explain how one feels other in a way that isn't like 'the other race or gender or whatever'. It's an Other like a different human that's not human. I am loved by people but it surely feel like no love sometimes. And it isn't them it's me I know that.

It's just difficult to cope and comprehend when your brain is blending you a nice dish of 'you're fucked up' and there is no end in the foreseeable future that this cycle will ever end. Even on meds that tranquilize you, or are supposed to stabilize your moods you feel the cycling like your on some bicycle marathon for life. I am on 500mg of Seroquel and look how down and mad I am. Mad in the sense of the Mad Hatter. Nothing seems to be grounding me like I wish it would. Last night I was so panicked and angry and annoyed that I took 400mg of Seroquel at 8pm just so I wouldn't have to be awake for the rest of the night. Down fall- I woke up early and that means a longer day of dealing with myself, and others.

I don't know who I am today because at the moment I feel lost in the memoirs of my brain switching stories and memories quickly and yes there was a trigger. I would say a big trigger. But I am going to leave that alone because I don't want to touch that smoking gun. What more shall I do to coax my life in the right direction. Yesterday I couldn't muster up the energy, courage, or whatever to get me to get in the car and go to class. I couldn't. I wanted to be on this couch all day. The one remarkable thing is I had a talk with my mother-in-law and she decided a walk would be best and it did help for a bit but of course my brain said "um no that's not going to happen, you are not going to be any type of cheery, so fuck off'. And I did. I panicked and melted away and then tranquilized myself to sleep. I don't know if I ate anything yesterday but I don't feel any kind of hunger and I am sure it's because of the down turned mood of the week.

My one professor told me he completely understood as his wife has Bipolar. Funny I never know too much about professors, even the ones that I deem my favorite, and this man told me something very personal. It makes the professor more real right. You never really feel like there persons like you and me they are just teachers. And then it become a reality that while you have to do all this work for them that they have to grade all their classes work and deal with the same issues as you and it all the sudden sinks in that we all share a common thread.

Nonetheless the thread can be thicker on one end than on the other depending on the month, the day (if there is bad news that's even worse), even at an event. It all makes a difference in the mind of a mentally ill person. What am I doing? Where am I? Why? Why is a big one for me. I always ask why do I fall into traps, why do I seemingly have to deal with so many struggles (and yes I know there are other people dealing with much worse struggles but that shouldn't make you feel that yours aren't important), and why is it never ending? This world is filled with suffering and hurting, and lost minds, and loss of care, and loss of caring health facilities as the world turns to greed and the lowly are left behind. Our problem are turned to dust to so many and we are left trying to take care of ourselves when we can't even get it together to get in the car and drive without a panic attack.

Whose left us here? Why are there so many suffering people when we could easily care for them? An example I like to use is this; in America a lot of our agriculture is sent off for profit. We have so much agriculture that is 'extra' that we could give to the starving young and families here in the US. The US has a few billion dollar budget for military expenses and what-nots and if we just took even half a billion, even less, we could feed all those starving people here and in other places. It's kind of hard to believe that in a world were fake worth (money) runs the world people can't just come together for those who are starving, or sick, or severely mentally ill, or physically not well and take care of them pro bono. Is everyone that concerned about a green piece of paper? Obviously. I met a person once who thought is was dumb and obnoxious to think that the homeless and those struggling deserve help. Let me tell you we are not friends. But it goes to show that people are losing some compassion. I think they see the green in their accounts and think 'I am not giving any of this to anyone who is apparently struggling because if I earned so can they'. Um in Ethiopia that is far from the truth asshole. I honestly believe some people are so ignorant about what actually is happening to people around the world that they think the world revolves around the US and Capitalism. Idiots.

Let me now get to the point of the above. It's not just hunger that is a struggle, it is also mental illness. Mental illness institutions used to be everywhere. They used to be a place for those who even did criminal acts (but did so in accord with their mental illness), there used to be centers that helped people like me and you with severe bipolar disorder and would give you sessions with someone to talk to, give you meds and help you. Now that is not a thing. Some places do exist to help the mentally ill but it isn't many. So what happened? We have sent them to jails-which have been privatized and that means the owners are making a pretty penny off criminalizing the mentally ill, and those who are so underprivileged they don't have much choice but to steal to feed their family or steal to get their mom her heart meds. We have psych wards that are supposed to help but I sometimes think can make people feel worse and more ostracized. The second someone hears you were in a psych ward they look at you like you have shot all over your face. I was just reading "Brain on Fire" and even the doctors in the book made a threat to this girls parents that if she cannot get controlled "she will be put somewhere worse"- which was a threat of going to the psych ward!!!! What the hell is that! So we are left waiting sometimes months to see a shrink or a counselor to talk to unless you have wonderful insurance (I am referring to here in the US). Waiting and Waiting. And here many doctors are scared to give you therapeutic levels of medicines that can be abused because so many NON mentally ill, or physically ill people smuggle their way into the system and get drugs they don't need leaving the rest of us suffering. But that is also on the doctors. If you know I am ill then don't under-medicate me so I become a crazed bipolar maniac lol. Don't let me suffer constant panic attacks because some other doctor didn't realize he was handing out scripts to druggies. Wake up!

My mind is clearly wondering and rambling because of the mixed state I am in so forgive me please. But I had to release it from my mind. Thank you for reading and please pass on to give others an understanding of what it is to be in the mind of a bipolar person.

Lea Silva

Split of the Mind, Death of the Day

Yes my title here is gloomy. That's because I am gloomy. While I am very capable of letting this NOT show, inside it makes it worse. At least I think so. I think a big problem may be that I am only on Seroquel to combat my illness ATM and do not see the psychiatrist until next Friday-which feels like eternity! Oh how long the days will pass while I sit here freaking out and feeling awful while she sits guiding patients not knowing how bad the ones who have to wait feel. I do not think this is her fault it is the systems fault. I may just try and find a local mental health facility to get in somewhere sooner and tell them I am NOT okay in the slightest bit.


I have no clue what this is inside me. It's like my soul devoured itself-well I use the word soul here because I think it best describes the 'inner me'. I saw my older sister today and probably rapidly spoke because I just wanted to be focused on all other things happening than what is happening inside me. I know I rapidly spoke because my mouth became dry and you know you just can't stop the ramble. Sometimes I think people probably assume I am on some speedy drug because I speak so fast sometimes but ask any bipolar person and they will tell you that manic time is ramble time. Thoughts and thoughts and thoughts and thoughts come rolling through and then sometimes you get stuck not remembering a word which makes it all the worse because your mind is still rambling but the words are not coming.

This post I am sure will be all over the place but I don't really care because I just need to let my brain speak. So many neurons and receptors and chemicals are haywire and it is not pleasant for me. It feels like I am some bystander looking down at myself thinking I have zero control over that person today. My thoughts go deep and dark and into spaces they probably should not wonder to. Thinking like I am alone, and indeed today I feel like I am in solitary confinement even around another human. Why? Well for starters because that person is not in my mind getting what is rushing through me, second I have to type to a computer to feel I am interacting properly. At least here I can monitor what I am saying, and third my poor husband has so many exams this week that he is wrapped up in his studies as he should be. But this leaves me standing still in a corner like I am punishing myself. NO I am not mad at my husband, or my family, or anyone else close just because they are busy. This is my mental illness and this is just another episode of 'Mrs. Manic Lea'- what else is new. It's a constant game with myself to control my thoughts and my actions.
My anxiety is no joke today. It feels that my GABA is down and anxiety is sky rocketing but again what else is new. I have class today and no I do not want to go because I feel so fucking miserable. My computer here is pissing me off by 'correcting' my words when really it is 'incorrect-ing' them. Ah sorry displaced thought. Any way- I am sitting here wondering what it means to be dead and what is it that is so scary about death

I think people fear it because they cling to their lives even if it is super horrible because they are too scared to know what happens when you die. You are frightened by a concept that there is absolutely NOTHING when you die. That you have no actual soul and so you are just put into a sleep that is everlasting and without dreams. No chance to wake back up. Is that so discerning to validate a clinging to life or making physician assisted suicide for the terminally ill illegal. I do not think so. Think of all the stupid, awful, un-beautiful things that happen daily, and then enjoy the wonderful things and then realize that those things have still happened regardless of if you died. What if there is no God- would it really be that far fetched to think there is no God? I doubt it. A all powerful, all merciful, all knowing so on being who is so perfect yet needs you to worship him (um hello needy much) and requires you not to sin (well since we are made as pleasure animals why even bother we are totally going to sin, especially if you have certain mental illness). I am not bashing anyone that believes in a God, I personally believe in some type of creator just not the standard Abrahamic kind. But think- if God were to be real, and he were to be all-knowing then he would know if you were going to kill yourself, get physician assisted suicide, wait until nature takes its course, or whatever, and you would have no power to decide your destiny anyway. So if you do believe in a God than death should not be such an awful thing and people should be allowed to control it. Look I just wrote a paper on Physician assisted Suicide and there are always the 'sanctity of human life' arguments that are automatically thrown out the window because there is no proof of that that is just your own thought that makes you feel special, and there is always the slippery slope argument that if you allow a doctor to help a patient who is terminally ill (and who will lose function and soil themselves and be in no way capable of taking care of themselves) that it will turn into some all out party for doctors to kill the "unwanted" which in essence by the opposition means the mentally handicapped, the elderly that are 'burdensome' and those with mental illnesses like severe bipolar or schizophrenia or whatever. Now this seems to me that the opposition is making some very judgmental claims on who would be the 'unwanted'. For me none of the above listed would be desirable to get rid of except the asshole who said all those people were undesirable. Dick. Anyway I digress. My point was to say that people want to control others' deaths because they are scared of what death actually means. Well I'm sorry but just because you have some fear does not give you some right to control everyone else's choices who are more scared of dying as a crippled vegetable that cannot think or take care of themselves. I'm sorry I would prefer death to that also.

I get like this where I think about all circumstances surrounding death. Do I want anyone to commit suicide? No. I do not want anyone to feel that low, that alone, that helpless as to want to end it all. I know that things can be very difficult. I know what it feels like to feel alone in a situation where you are going haywire and nothing quite makes sense anymore. Nothing. And on top of that you feel so miserable because you are going up and down like a roller coaster on steroids and no one seems to get it. You try and reach out and get someone to realize your are in immense pain and no one notices what you are trying to warn them about-your suicide or your thoughts of suicide. In Today's world people are so engulfed in their own 'issues' they do not realize they are completely ignoring their families or their friends' 'issues'. It sometimes feels like a competition doesn't it? You finally reach out for help and tell someone I am feeling so f**king depressed that I don't care if I die, and they then say 'OMG I have been feeling really crappy too because like my boss is being a total jerk 'ETC. and you know exactly what I am referring to don't you? Like they need to one up your issue with some mundane BS that does not matter. Or there is always that person who tries to one up your illness. "I feel manic and I am becoming so depressed all I see is darkness" other person competitively says "Yea well I have been sitting in that darkness for a year" or "I have a family of 3 I take care of and I am super stressed from working three jobs, and I am a single mom/dad and you don't even know how hard that is so just think you have it easy compared to me". I hate that one the worst because yes raising kids is hard, yes working numerous jobs at once is hard, and I GET IT OKAY but I would like to say someone without a severe mental illness cannot comprehend that it is not something we need to 'suck up and get over', and it is not something that should be competed with or thought of as 'just in their heads'. These people just want you to feel bad for them and martyr them and guess what it ain't happening. You chose your life of kids, maybe not being a single mom/dad but you knew what was gonna happen if you had unprotected sex and etc. Those of us with severe mental illness had NO FUCKING CHOICE. It's not like we were young and in love and made the mistake of having a baby at 19 or something, or were married and had five kids and then found out our husband wanted to leave us. We were simply born with a mental issue. A biochemical / neurochemical problem that led us to a degree of - anger, hostility, hallucinations, panic and anxiety, darkness not many beyond the mentally ill experience, paranoia, severe mood swings that exhaust you and the brain, depression that is not unipolar but bipolar and is horrendous, RAGE that is so uncontrollable, the strangest actions for some unknown irrational reason, and the list grows longer. If you experience all those things that come with mental illness and then put on top of that physical illness, overwhelming scenarios be it work or family, deaths of those close to you, or just bad happenings it makes life feel 109374982749837298472398473 times more difficult. It isn't a joke. It isn't something you can hope or wish away. Shit even medicine can't always help us. Sometimes we just spiral down the 'death slide'. Imagine you have your family of irk 4, and yes you are the bread winner, you have now had a mental illness break -one that is there for a life time- and you still have to find the energy to deal with the family who for some unknown reason can now easily make you hostile, irritated, or Raged out, and you go to your job(s) and all the sudden the work becomes 10 times harder because you just do NOT care at all for some reason and start hating it, even if you loved it at first, and then start getting dark devilish thoughts that won't leave you. How easy is that for you, don't you wish life was back to normal. So unless you want me to point out that if we are going to compete how disgustingly disturbing your life could be if you had severe mental illness, listen to me. Listen to your family members when they try and reach out. Listen to them when they tell you they are not in a good spot mentally because if you don't or if you brush it off like "Well just think it could be worse" that you may never get to talk to them again because they decide well no one cares even when I finally reach out, no one gives a shot about me, and I have no where to turn and my brain is killing me slowly- and then they slice their wrist or hang themselves or whatever.

When it comes to mental illness people just don't always get it and that can be damaging. This is why I write this blog because I want people to know. They need to know. Mental illness is not a joke. As I read about Unipolar depression (the common variety depression the average Joe gets without any other mental illnesses) and then I really research bipolar manic depression it becomes clear that there are a lot of people who think it is the same thing and an easy fix is an anti-depressant. Here's a NEW FLASH- Those with sever Bipolar Disorder who take a anti-depressant usually used for unipolar depression can become worse off! I have dealt with this first hand several times. Even knowing I was Bipolar there have been doctors that started an anti-depressant because I was feeling like I didn't care if I died and those meds spiraled me into a whole new gloomy horrifying place where I snapped at every instances, cried with rage each day and was literally on the edge of the cliff. Severe mental illness is not something to be taken lightly, to be put aside or to be considered anywhere near the 'average' life, or even a somewhat difficult life. Why? Because our brains work in the wrong way- in the sense that instead of keeping us stable, rational, calm, and collected managing our stressors and dealing with things that aren't always pleasant, we instead grow restless, HOSTILE, dangerous, Deeply and severely depressed, and don't care like we should.

Now while our brains work in ways that it probably shouldn't I can say this- Bipolar Disorder has a way of making people beautifully creative. Wonderfully observant of the small things that normally go unnoticed, and can become extremely passionate. The downfall for me has been I quit jobs with no real reason other than I just don't like it anymore, or I can't work there because I am sick of it so on, and I walk out or do no call no shows. I have had a lot of jobs in my short life. I have also been extremely into going to do this or that and then never do it. I have done stupid things that other Bipolar persons know what I am talking about, I have done damage to myself by acting so ridiculously reckless when I was younger, and I have really just done things that the average un-impulsive person wouldn't do. I work on impulses a lot of the time. It is the wonderful world of spontaneity- no it is the awful world of impulse domination were my impulses to do whatever I well please, or whatever I want to buy, or whatever I want to ignore or whatever, and it is a staggering wall in my life. It is so stupid to just let yourself do that and there is no off switch you just do it. Then your feel immense guilt beyond what any other person would feel (just like my ridiculous amount of guilt from my post yesterday about taking a dog to the pound). IT'S AWFUL.

Worse then is that you fixate. Become Depressed. Start thinking bad thoughts. Delve deep into the question of death. And that is NOT a good place to be. I know. You think well I really wonder what it could possibly be. Like it's some sort of distorted surprise we all just want to know about. That's dangerous thinking. You start to wonder if your energy goes elsewhere and if you will be 'conscious' for it, and whether it would be better. Then you wonder if it is just a stop to everything and nothing. Is it bliss or is it nothing. Either way it does not seem that bad. These thoughts need to be handled carefully. If there is no one there the person may just OD on their meds, or take their life in other ways. That is why I wish there were actual emergency psychiatrists or something. Not those sick prison like psych wards that make you feel even crazier. Those are NOT good. Those don't help. Those just sedate you and leave you thinking geez even the system doesn't give a crap about me because if my insurance hadn't covered this I wouldn't even be here or these people pump you with meds and leave you to stagger around the ward wondering if this is better than death. So what do we do then? I just tranquilize myself sometimes, or I start typing and don't stop for a long time. Like I am doing right now. No I am not for the 'sanctity of life' bs but I do feel that everyone has a right to their life, and a right to that life being at least interesting and at least somewhat stable. The mentally ill still deserve a chance to enjoy what they can when they can instead of letting it defeat them and off they go. I want all people's to feel that something special is inside them and that even if almost every lingering day you feel lost among the darkness you may still see or experience something beautiful that made it worth it. Love is something that helps me hold on. The fact that I can see things in a different perspective makes me happy I have a life. And while yes I have my moments where I refuse to get off the couch and do something because I just want to die, I live through it in hopes that I will get to keep loving and seeing things that are just wonderful. I don't know where this is really going so I think I will end it here. I hope I did some good with this. Share it and pass it on and make people aware of what is happening. PLEASE.

Lea Silva