It's a Mad World

Today I am not that okay. I am so not okay I deliberately threw a glass so that I could get some of my rage out. It was stupid of course but I could not keep it contained and I didn't feel like yelling. Normally I would have thrown something unbreakable but today I wanted to see something shatter. Maybe that says something about my subconscious feelings at the time. Maybe I feel shattered or felt shattered at that moment so I wanted to shatter something else. A weird kind of misery loves company song right.

Sometimes I just feel totally fine and the next thing I know I am in shambles or on the rocks looking down at the plummet, feeling angry, morose, dehumanized almost. It's a weird kind of feeling to feel dehumanized. Is it brain connections that do that sort of thing? Make you feel as if 'this cannot possibly be real, I am not real, nothing around me is connected anymore'. It feels terrifying to think that way and there is nothing I can do about it. I can pinch myself like in the olden movies where they say 'I had to pinch myself to make sure it was real' but it never does help. It's an uncared for feeling that plummets you down the depths of endless lost caves and frightening sounds of your life feeling like it is crumbling around you. Like you're in a movie and you're the only one who doesn't know it. How strange a concept that is and yet that is my perspective sometimes. If I died would I just wake up again in some other world I didn't realize I was actually in? That's how it feels.

Dehumanized- why would someone feel that way in their own human skin? I am not so positive of the answer on that one. Perhaps because I feel all the cares I have are nothing and it's not worth it to care for or because it seems no one else cares about them. Maybe it is my brain saying something to me I don't understand in Morse code and I just don't get it, and because of that I don't feel human I feel OTHER. I do. I don't know how to explain how one feels other in a way that isn't like 'the other race or gender or whatever'. It's an Other like a different human that's not human. I am loved by people but it surely feel like no love sometimes. And it isn't them it's me I know that.

It's just difficult to cope and comprehend when your brain is blending you a nice dish of 'you're fucked up' and there is no end in the foreseeable future that this cycle will ever end. Even on meds that tranquilize you, or are supposed to stabilize your moods you feel the cycling like your on some bicycle marathon for life. I am on 500mg of Seroquel and look how down and mad I am. Mad in the sense of the Mad Hatter. Nothing seems to be grounding me like I wish it would. Last night I was so panicked and angry and annoyed that I took 400mg of Seroquel at 8pm just so I wouldn't have to be awake for the rest of the night. Down fall- I woke up early and that means a longer day of dealing with myself, and others.

I don't know who I am today because at the moment I feel lost in the memoirs of my brain switching stories and memories quickly and yes there was a trigger. I would say a big trigger. But I am going to leave that alone because I don't want to touch that smoking gun. What more shall I do to coax my life in the right direction. Yesterday I couldn't muster up the energy, courage, or whatever to get me to get in the car and go to class. I couldn't. I wanted to be on this couch all day. The one remarkable thing is I had a talk with my mother-in-law and she decided a walk would be best and it did help for a bit but of course my brain said "um no that's not going to happen, you are not going to be any type of cheery, so fuck off'. And I did. I panicked and melted away and then tranquilized myself to sleep. I don't know if I ate anything yesterday but I don't feel any kind of hunger and I am sure it's because of the down turned mood of the week.

My one professor told me he completely understood as his wife has Bipolar. Funny I never know too much about professors, even the ones that I deem my favorite, and this man told me something very personal. It makes the professor more real right. You never really feel like there persons like you and me they are just teachers. And then it become a reality that while you have to do all this work for them that they have to grade all their classes work and deal with the same issues as you and it all the sudden sinks in that we all share a common thread.

Nonetheless the thread can be thicker on one end than on the other depending on the month, the day (if there is bad news that's even worse), even at an event. It all makes a difference in the mind of a mentally ill person. What am I doing? Where am I? Why? Why is a big one for me. I always ask why do I fall into traps, why do I seemingly have to deal with so many struggles (and yes I know there are other people dealing with much worse struggles but that shouldn't make you feel that yours aren't important), and why is it never ending? This world is filled with suffering and hurting, and lost minds, and loss of care, and loss of caring health facilities as the world turns to greed and the lowly are left behind. Our problem are turned to dust to so many and we are left trying to take care of ourselves when we can't even get it together to get in the car and drive without a panic attack.

Whose left us here? Why are there so many suffering people when we could easily care for them? An example I like to use is this; in America a lot of our agriculture is sent off for profit. We have so much agriculture that is 'extra' that we could give to the starving young and families here in the US. The US has a few billion dollar budget for military expenses and what-nots and if we just took even half a billion, even less, we could feed all those starving people here and in other places. It's kind of hard to believe that in a world were fake worth (money) runs the world people can't just come together for those who are starving, or sick, or severely mentally ill, or physically not well and take care of them pro bono. Is everyone that concerned about a green piece of paper? Obviously. I met a person once who thought is was dumb and obnoxious to think that the homeless and those struggling deserve help. Let me tell you we are not friends. But it goes to show that people are losing some compassion. I think they see the green in their accounts and think 'I am not giving any of this to anyone who is apparently struggling because if I earned so can they'. Um in Ethiopia that is far from the truth asshole. I honestly believe some people are so ignorant about what actually is happening to people around the world that they think the world revolves around the US and Capitalism. Idiots.

Let me now get to the point of the above. It's not just hunger that is a struggle, it is also mental illness. Mental illness institutions used to be everywhere. They used to be a place for those who even did criminal acts (but did so in accord with their mental illness), there used to be centers that helped people like me and you with severe bipolar disorder and would give you sessions with someone to talk to, give you meds and help you. Now that is not a thing. Some places do exist to help the mentally ill but it isn't many. So what happened? We have sent them to jails-which have been privatized and that means the owners are making a pretty penny off criminalizing the mentally ill, and those who are so underprivileged they don't have much choice but to steal to feed their family or steal to get their mom her heart meds. We have psych wards that are supposed to help but I sometimes think can make people feel worse and more ostracized. The second someone hears you were in a psych ward they look at you like you have shot all over your face. I was just reading "Brain on Fire" and even the doctors in the book made a threat to this girls parents that if she cannot get controlled "she will be put somewhere worse"- which was a threat of going to the psych ward!!!! What the hell is that! So we are left waiting sometimes months to see a shrink or a counselor to talk to unless you have wonderful insurance (I am referring to here in the US). Waiting and Waiting. And here many doctors are scared to give you therapeutic levels of medicines that can be abused because so many NON mentally ill, or physically ill people smuggle their way into the system and get drugs they don't need leaving the rest of us suffering. But that is also on the doctors. If you know I am ill then don't under-medicate me so I become a crazed bipolar maniac lol. Don't let me suffer constant panic attacks because some other doctor didn't realize he was handing out scripts to druggies. Wake up!

My mind is clearly wondering and rambling because of the mixed state I am in so forgive me please. But I had to release it from my mind. Thank you for reading and please pass on to give others an understanding of what it is to be in the mind of a bipolar person.

Lea Silva

Night Time Equals Tranquilizer Time

Obviously it is time for the meds. 400mg of Seroquel will do the trick if you cannot sleep lol!

This is the only medication that has worked for me when it comes to combating resistant bipolar disorder. Usually the doctor will start you off on 50mg and work you on up to the high doses. This medication is an anti-psychotic so a lot of people do not want to take it because they believe if you are on an anti-psychotic you must be psychotic. Well that's not true nor should that even be an argument for not taking meds that work.

For instance, I get horrible migraines that are extremely awful and the so called 'migraine' medicines like imitrex, maxalt, and some funky anti-inflammatories just do not cut it. Instead I use compazine which is used for nausea. Just because I take compazine doesn't mean I am nauseous so why would taking an anti-psychotic mean you are psychotic? Sure Seroquel is used for mental illness but there is no reason to be that scared of the meds. Besides there are others like Lithium, Abilify, Cymbalta, Lamictal (sp?) and so forth. Seroquel just works wonders for me.

While I take the Seroquel at night because it does tranquilize you/sedate you, it does not completely wear off once you wake up. It will knock you out cold and you will be able to sleep anywhere at anytime if you even have a couple hundred milligrams. The effects are very quick. I took my dose about ten minutes ago and I can already feel the tranquil warm sleepy feeling coming on. It is a pleasant feeling because it is like being enveloped in a warm cascade of sunlight that warms you to your soul and calms all your problems and rocks you to sleep. By no means is it recreational, at least nor for me. I don't think that would be very safe considering once it completely kicks in you are completely knocked out.

I personally recommend you start a routine for the morning as this stuff really kicks your butt in the morning because you are still tranquilized. When I wake up for about ten minutes I will kind of be sleep walking. For example, yesterday I took the dogs out went into the basement and fell asleep in a chair. My husband comes down and my second alarm goes off. I look at him and say "oh geez I should take the dogs out" and he then informed me that I had already done so and I left them out there for about ten minutes while he was showering (don't worry it was warm and they normally hang out there for 10 to 20 minutes). My point is you need to be prepared for the mornings when on Seroquel. I set two alarms twenty minutes apart. Why, you may ask do I do that? The first one allows me to realize I need to get up for the day and I am not allowed to be in bed all day. The second one is because I WILL find a spot to sit while waiting on the dogs or for the bathroom and will fall asleep. Next  there must be coffee or some other caffeinated drink, I preset my coffee maker so it's ready to go. Showers help to wake up as long as they are not too hot.

Here is the important part:

Even though you will eventually feel awake you will also feel different. It is so hard to explain. I will feel calmer, less manic or less mania, I will feel happy, motivated and so forth but there is one last thing. It is an overall secure feeling while also feeling even-tempered, at peace, and super stable in my emotive sense. Thus,, you are tranquilized and feel tranquil. Laid back. Don't get me wrong you can still get manic, or hyper, or overly focused, etc. But it does help motivate (once you have the coffee of course). Throughout the day the affects stay with you and you can deal with the days much easier than without meds.

I must stop here as I am starting to doze off and tomorrow I will blog about experiences and other meds Thanks

Lea Silva