Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs "CAN YOU PLEASE GIVE ME ONE BREAK AND FOR ONE SECOND JUST TRY AND UNDERSTAND". I want to say that to a lot of people that have been or are in my life. It is not a choice to be mentally ill. It is NOT a choice. At the current moment I am going through a manic-depressive episode. It is not fun for me at all. You get a nagging nagging nagging in your head all day about all sorts of things that may seem minuscule to some or may seem dangerously dark. It's simply what happens when I go through these episodes. I have NO control over it. I can try and calm myself, try and find things to do to keep me from wanting to just die, try and find people that are willing to try and understand, try and get the people or person I want to be there for me to help me but that doesn't mean any of this ever works or that I can ever get anyone to just be there. How do you tell someone "I am trying to reach out to you, and I need you" and actually get them to want to be there. It is no offense to anyone else when I specifically want a certain person or persons but at the same time I cannot make those people be there for me. Some people do not get it or don't want to and I cannot make them.
How do you deal with something you do not understand or do not wish to understand? I do not know that you can. I wish everyone just could. Even if they felt what I felt for one minute then maybe it would give them greater insight. How I wish I could do that for some people.
When I am manic there are times when I can explode into a frustrated ball of madness, or times where I just get super upset and have a breakdown, and other times where I am just irritable or depressed. I am not always like this so I would hope those who love me could just be there for me when I get like this but again I cannot force anyone to do anything nor can I get them to understand. Sometimes I feel punished for these 'outbursts' and I do not feel that it is okay. I cannot help it. I cannot stop it. There is usually a trigger and that should be paid attention to not ignored and I never said anyone could not be mad that I get this way but a little empathy and compassion would not hurt. I cannot expect anyone to do anything ever. I couldn't even expect my ex-husband to 'deal' with me as he put it. He knew what and who I was and still wasn't willing to take a deeper look at the situation and try and understand. Some people aren't. I do not know that I can blame them for it either because who wants to deal with someone like me. I seem irrational to most people and my emotions can be so overpowering that most people just think 'oh she is overreacting'. But to me I'm not. To me that is how it works. That is how my brain works. I do not constantly question why so called 'normal' people (or people who aren't mentally ill) do not think my way. They just don't.
I am always feeling judged. I always feel like people, even people I love, look at me and just think sometimes 'she is too much'. But too much what? I will never know how to explain what I go through. How my brain works or why I do or did what I did. It isn't really a possibility. Words are not enough. I can put words in tons of different orders and still I feel people do not understand. I do feel many other mentally ill people or bipolar people can understand but that is because they know what it is like to have a brain that literally works and is formed differently. There is evidence of that and evidence that in our genes and DNA we are different. Our emotional centers take over. If that takes over so much, so powerfully that what we see in reasoning normally is not the same at the time of the emotional override. I am not downgrading emotions here. They are useful resources for us. They help us build are moral values and ethical systems but that does not mean they cannot be destructive too. Our reasoning can be destructive. Over reasoning can be an awful thing. But when an emotional override happens (I am going to use those terms because it is probably the easiest way to explain this even though it doesn't really cover all) it's like a link in the chain has been broken. Something happens. Something detrimental happens.
From personal experience I know that I can go from feeling great and happy to enraged within seconds. One trigger and then all the sudden everything in the world is on fire in my eyes. Nothing matters except getting the rage out. If I do not get it out it will linger and most likely turn worse or into something worse and more dangerous. How I get this rage out depends on the situation. In my past whoever was closest got hit with it, especially if they were the trigger. Through therapy I have worked to not do that. At least not as much as I used to or as harshly. I have learned to recognize this happening and to try and leave the situation or room. Sometimes I have to throw things (unbreakable things now), scream, rip something up, hit something (I have broken fingers and toes from this but it still helps) or let it gather until I collapse from the exhaustion it causes and cry. It seems weird and terrifying to others. It seems crazy. So try and imagine how I feel.
That is not the only thing that happens though. I can also be triggered into being dangerously upset or sad or depressed. When this happens I will snap and have a breakdown. It may be one that causes me to say hasty hostile things, irrational things, depressing things like "I want to just die" or "I wish no one had to deal with me ever again" etc. These moments are especially hard for me. I have no control. I have none. What can I do. I can walk out of the room or turn my phone off but that doesn't always work or sometimes I cannot push myself to do it. And if it is a depressive mood me being alone is probably not wise. I have sedated myself before. I have never admitted that out loud to anyone except my boyfriend. I couldn't take it. No one was there and I didn't care. I wanted to be gone from the world. I sedated myself and slept for days. I woke up here and there to go to the bathroom or get some water but that was it. When my ex-husband finally came around to asking me what was wrong or if I was feeling well I just said I was sick and he took me at my word. Which is fine. What else could he have done. But during these times I am needy. I need help. I need love. I need empathy. I need unconditional friendship. I need someone to be there without judging me. When I get like this it is harder to explain than the rage. I do not know where to even start!
Something happens maybe, or maybe I am just in a bad episode. Either way I start to feel this dread come over me. This violation of my happiness occurs. The darkness starts to roll in and fog all the good out of my mind so all I see is the sadness, or the bad, or the worthlessness of myself. It is horrifying to experience. I cannot speak for other mentally ill people but I know that a lot of time this makes me hate myself. I dwell on all those little things I have ever done, or all the bad things happening and cannot understand why I am even here. Why anyone wants to deal with me or be my friend. Why I even want to be here. That is how awful it feels. And I do not want some pity party. This is not a woe is me. This is just part of me that I am trying to explain. Sometimes I push during these times. Sometimes I push people away from me because I do not know why they even want to be around me or be my friend or love me because I think I am awful in those moments. There are also moments were I push because I consider killing myself. If I am going to I do not want anyone liking me because then they would be upset. Yes, I know this sounds crazy to a lot of you but it is just how it works for my brain sometimes. Of course I know I can push all I want but the people who really love me will still be there. When the darkness falls in my mind and all is consumed all I can see is the black. The detrimental black. I see things or notice things that most others probably would not or get bothered by things most people wouldn't get bothered by. When this happens a lot can set me off. A stressful moment, some bad news that probably isn't that bad, having something not go my way when I really wanted it to, having a feeling that someone I love is being distant (this may not really be the case but I see it that way which only aggravates the depression and makes me think "See I am not worth anything"), or I could feel that things are just crumbling around me when really they may not be. But if I get hit by something like that then I will have a break down of some sort. It may be that I just collapse crying, roll up in a fetal position and cry, stare at things that could kill me, freak out beyond recognition to where someone will have to forcefully embrace me to calm me, or I could fight with you. Not physically but vocally. I may start a fight over something that seems really dumb or over something out of our control but it just happens. I have no idea why. I will never be able to tell any of you why this is happening. The only thing I can do is apologize if I hurt your feelings because I said something nasty or something I didn't mean, or for making you feel like I am just a bundle of dread. I hate that. I am always worried I will be left behind because most reflect back on those bad moments where it is just bad. Where the mental illness is just dark and depressing. But that isn't all me. So when these things happen I just need understanding. That doesn't mean anyone has to actually totally understand what I go through it means I need that person to take a minute to realize that what is happening to me is not controllable and that I need to just calm down and whatever I say needs to be taken with a grain of salt. I don't mean most of it when I am fighting. Somethings I do because there are things that upset me and I will say them but other things are just me blowing out the steam. I always apologize or try and make up for it though. Always.
There are some people who will tell me I have no reason to apologize for things I cannot control but I feel like I do. I shouldn't say those things and while I feel there isn't much control beyond where I have come to now in my life that I have hurt someone and need to make it right. If I am crying all day I do not apologize for that. Sometimes that needs to happen. If I am stuck in bed all day I do not apologize for being gloomy just as I would not expect a depressed person to apologize for being depressed. However, I do when I know I have overreacted in a way that hurt someone or upset them. Forgiveness is needed though and that is the understanding I am looking for in those moments. Trust me I punish myself quiet a bit for having those moments. I already feel awful about myself and when I cannot control my ridiculous temper or emotions it makes it even harder for me. So please, to all my friends and family, give me some slack sometimes (most of you do). When I ask for help please just help. When I need to just bitch and I raise my voice know I am not yelling at you but the world. When I say I want to be left alone it is not personal which is why I understand when others tell me they need to be alone. Usually though I do not want to be alone for long because I know it is not that healthy for me. It can make me worse so sometimes I need to be forced to be put into an environment with another person. Even if it's just watching movies with mom or Shawn or my little sister or calling my older sister. I just can't be left to my own devices for too long. Or it get's worse.
Getting help is sometimes hard too. I may want to see a therapist at this moment but actually getting to talk to one takes a long time. You need an intake interview and then eventually, after weeks, you may finally get to see someone who will actually listen and be someone you feel comfortable with. I have despised most of the therapists I have had accept one. However, she still didn't seem to take some of the things I said into consideration or was very unresponsive to the help I needed. So sometimes I just need a loved one there instead. Please never give up on me.
I need to bring up also that I have other episodes. I have mania sometimes. These modes can be hard to deal with too because I get wired and high on neurotransmitters and hormones. I am UP UP UP. I am through the roof with energy and I can stay up all night for days in a row. I want to just do stuff and can be aggressive, and sometimes hostile but I just need to GO. For many this can be quiet annoying. I sing a lot and I goof around too much and I have a hard time being serious. And if this high get's ruined I get agitated. This kind of episode is harder to explain and hard to control. I have no real way of coming down. I have meds but as I said in the last post I stopped taking them because I was worse on them than off. I need to find activities during these times. Tons. Or I need to be socializing or working. But have faith that these episodes for me last a lot less longer than the manic-depressive ones.
And then for most of the time you get me. I am still different. I am still very sensitive and emotional. I am still needy and I know no one in the world could possibly give me all I want because I want everything. But I do not know that is always a flaw. I feel when I love you in any form my neediness comes in hand. I am more generous than most because I want to be there for you. I want to be around people I love. Sometimes it is only a specific few or maybe just one person but that means I am there always for you for whatever. I may be sensitive but for me this gives me an edge most don't have. I can pick up on things most can't. I can find the small details that matter but are hard to find. I can see logic where some can't and I can find solutions where others may not see one. My emotional state is usually high but that makes me empathetic to others. I am humble and very generous. I will be there for you whenever you need me because I, emotionally, can understand what it is like to need help, or a shoulder to cry on, or a hug, or whatever. So being bipolar is not always bad. It makes me a perceptive, interesting, and loving person. If you can handle my episodes than you also get a kind friend on the more normal basis. I have made mistakes and will make more but that doesn't mean I won't make up for them. I am never going to be perfect or ideal. I will be that woman most think is just off her rocker but that is ok. I have accepted that this is me and I would only hope those who love me or are friends with me would be accepting too!
Now my last point. I need to get this off my chest. Someone young I know, and I am not naming them here because that is not my place, is not doing well mentally. She is having issues that are deep. I know those feelings and the hardship it causes on one's self esteem. I know that it hurts so badly that you will do anything to try and make it stop. Considering suicide is usually one of the key answers to this type of pain. I am fortunate enough to have convinced myself of ways to not do it or to talk myself out of it. I imagine my mother's face finding me dead. I cry every time I imagine it. I am literally tearing up right now. I know what it would do to her and I can't handle it. I know she is strong but that would devastate her. I have never been to the point, obviously, where my internal pain overrides this caring for my mother's devastation and I hope I never get there. I know my whole family would be upset but what always does it is seeing mom's face. This young lady I am talking about though, I do not think she has that. She does not have that thing yet to tell her NO this will do something you do not want to happen. I see the pain in her and I empathize so deeply. She has been committed now for fear she would kill herself or try. She has been doing self harm and doing inappropriate things. I honestly believe she is trying to say something without saying it but I do not know what exactly yet. Of course she wants to call for help but won't directly do it. It took me a long time to actually admit when I needed it. But I think there is something else. She is clearly feeling insecure which is shown by her actions and she is acting out of control for a reason. What she needs is understanding which she has by most-maybe not her peers but by her loved ones. However, without the correct hope she is going to push it too far one day. One day it could severely harm her. One day if she does not cooperate she could lose a lot of the things and people she has. So I feel since I can empathize deeply I need to find a way for her to reach to me. I do not know exactly how but I will find a way. This is affecting me deeply. I am already going through an episode but with this on top of it and my grandma's (who is no longer here) birthday being yesterday I feel dark. I feel lost. I feel alone. I am worried and stressed and I need to release it somehow. I need someone, someone specific. But I cannot control that that someone be there. I just wish I could take all her pain away so she could just enjoy her beautiful life. I wish I knew how to get her to realize that the feeling of self-loathing isn't always there and sometimes you get a break and realize you are worth it. If you can find the good in you, the things that make you special then you can get through your harder moments of believing you are not worth anything. I will find a way to show her this. I will. I cannot find her dead one day. I cannot get that call. I have to find a way.
Please pass awareness out about mentally ill people. Be understanding and try, even when it is hard, to empathize and give them a chance. It can be hard to tolerate. It can be difficult to deal with someone going through these things but never give up. That in itself can make that person fall from where they finally got to back to a worse time. I know it is hard and sometimes walking away from me or anyone like me seems like a better and easier bet but remember that those people are hurting. They have an internal pain that is hard to understand and is pretty uncontrollable. Of course there are ways to get better at dealing with it and we try, I believe most of us try really hard to cope and deal with it. I know I have worked extremely hard and always will. But bringing awareness to the problem is something everyone can do. Helping people get educated on what these mental illnesses do to people can bring the mentally ill more ease of access to help or at least to more helping friends and family. You can be aggravated at them, mad at them, upset with them, but just remember that they are not like you and never will be. They cannot control a lot of their feelings and it affects them deeply. Just spread some love.
Lea
Showing posts with label Humiliated. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humiliated. Show all posts
Friday, January 30, 2015
Friday, May 9, 2014
Divorce of a Bipolar Wife
All I ever did was try and give my love. If it was through encouragement, generosity, at least trying to understand, and giving my love. All I asked for in return was love, affection, understanding of my issues, and an appropriate amount of attention/intimacy. Did me and my husband fight? Of course we did. I feel that is part of the territory of giving a shit. Frankly, for two years we were perfectly good. We lived together alone while yes I did most if not all of the house work usually, and then took care of food and feeding the pets as well. I would get bad manic episodes especially when I was not on my meds but that is something I cannot help. I cannot help that sometimes I feel lost in this big bad world. Or that sometimes I feel in like I am in solitary confinement because those around me will never truly know what it is like to have bipolar. I accept my flaws and am quite up front about them. Here's a small list
1) I can be very high on life during mania and that means I am frisky, I spend money (but never to the point of not keeping enough to pay bills) and I am easily agitated but will calm down after a few moments alone.
2) When I am manic I can be a handful because I am extremely aggregated, and not doing something I find is important makes me very upset. During these times I cry quite a bit, or will be very quiet because I have nothing to say because I am in my own head.
3) I need attention. I don't ask for attention 24/7 but as a sensitive person I need attention from those I love. Perhaps this is not a flaw but some apparently think so. I liked to be hugged, kissed, cuddled, and caressed and I am very upfront about this.
4) When I get angry I don't get normal angry I get raging angry. Everything feels like it is on my shoulders, or I feel too alone, or I feel no one get's it. This is part of my illness that I cannot help.
5) I can become so depressed death is on my mind constantly . To date I have never tried to commit suicide but those thoughts have crossed my mind when I feel I am being attacked for being mentally ill. It makes me feel like I am nothing and like no one will ever understand or just don't want to. These moments are the hardest for me. Especially if they are a mixed episode. I am agitated, irrational, depressed, and I need attention. I just do. I need someone to just hug me and let me cry in their arms. That does the trick. If I am yelling and you yell back it will only make things worse. I you just hold me and tell me it's ok everything is ok, I love you I calm down. My mom used to do it and so did a couple of my ex's and it just did he trick.
These above things are part of me. I cannot in anyway control them on my own. I need medication to help me or I need someone who can be very understanding. If you cannot do that, if you do not take the time to look up and research what it really means to me bipolar then you shouldn't even bother with me because it clearly won't work. I am also a very generous person. I do everything I can for those I love and for strangers (I give to the homeless whenever I possibly can no matter how broke I am). I am very intelligent so I do not like to be treated like an idiot- that will really piss me off and you will get rage mode from me.
I have physical issues I cannot control. I have degenerative arthritis, arthropothy, a bulging disk, a pinched sciatic nerve, and a tear in my hip. This may mean I need help lifting things, walking at times, getting up (which can at time be very hard for me now). I need and cherish understanding. I know have illnesses is not sexy but I cannot help it. I don't need someone telling me to go workout, to tone up, or whatever. I will do what I please and would never let myself become a weak withering little lady. I am still strong but I just have issues.
My marriage to me was my life for the last year and a half. I never imagined that I would be getting a divorce so shortly after my marriage began. I meant my vows when I made them. I truly did. I did not ever intend to let things get in the way of my relationship. Sadly, the last several months have been awful for both sides I'm sure. The second we moved to his mom's we slept in separate rooms which was a red flag to me. I do not want to sleep without my significant other by my side. The difference between us was I don't care how small the bed is I want to be close to whomever I am with. If that is a flaw so be it. When we moved there it was like he reverted back to when he was younger and living there. We pretty much lived around each other. To be quite honest I did not want to move. I didn't. I love being around my family and I liked that we were around each other a lot more. Him sleeping in a separate room, a separate bed and us saying my room or your room was not okay with me. It made me feel alone. Very very alone. Yes of course I would snap and get angry because the second we moved there we lost all our intimacy all of our relationship had turned into something it hadn't been before. When you lose all intimacy then yes you do get very 'needy' because you are not getting what a normal person would find is an appropriate amount of attention.
I fought for it. I did. I wanted the love back, I wanted the attention and affection back. It was gone. It was lost somewhere. We didn't do anything for our anniversary, he last minute got me a card and rose for valentines and for my birthday I took myself to dinner. That didn't seem fair. So yes I was furious. I won't deny that. I feel I had every right to feel that way. I don't care about the gifts I care if you remember that I hate my birthday and so you make sure to distract me because it's what I would do for you. I would do anything for you if you needed it that is how love is for me. I will help you through horrible times and stick around to help even if your an ass because I can be that way too. I will do to you what I need for myself. But when you start pulling away there is not much a girl can do. Every attempt is turned down, every snuggle fest is forgotten. Cute texts are sent between each other and the second you get home there is nothing. None of those cute texts come true anymore. Kisses don't linger anymore no matter how much one wants it. Hugs become a rare occurrence. You get told "you broke them" like you are some sort of drill sergeant. You feel that the other cannot even get through his/her own thoughts of pride to see why you acted or reacted the way you did.
You see someone sitting there all day in fantasy land playing video games and you start to realize that that game gets more attention than you and what happens then? You get mad. You get hurt. You get upset. I played a lot of video games when we lost our first pregnancy but I was also very loving at the same time. However, when you come home to someone who doesn't barely talk to you because he/she is busy with a game, doesn't realize you are crying upstairs in your room for long periods of time you start to realize the other has no clue what they are doing to you. They cannot possibly realize why you are so upset and enraged. They call you the crazy one. You clean, you cook, you take care of business and there is a lack of appreciation. There is no way to get it in their heads that you are not being inappropriate with reactions, that you are being true to what the marriage you signed up for was. Then you realize that there is no caring left from the other side. He/she thinks you just are super different without realizing they changed and it simply made you upset.
The worst part is when you get so distraught from losing the relationship you had that you end up in a psychosis. You hear things, you see things. Things seem so manipulative. Your brain is no longer really yours. It has become its own entity and you are just a passenger in the your own body. Then when no understanding is to be seen you get told you are exaggerating your illness so you can act crazy. No. NO. I would love to not be feeling so crazy. I would love for someone to be there holding my hand throughout the ordeal not the controller. It is not fun to see yourself as someone else during a psychosis. The person in the mirror is not you. This doesn't always last a long time. Mine was maybe a couple weeks and then I got on meds asap. If your significant other goes through this it is because something in their life made them snap. You should look at your significant other, the relationship, and look inward to see if you had something to do wit hit. Pride is hard to get past but in a relationship you need to know that realizing you may have caused an issue or been neglectful then just realize it. It won't be a problem if you can realize it and work with your significant other to become stronger because of it. Do not just give them an ultimatum - deal with the game play or leave. That's not fair. I know marriages are never ever 50/50, sometimes you put more in than the other and sometimes they need to put more in than you but you never leave them hanging. You don't make them feel you are a chore. I listen. I care. I am kind. I am sick and I need affection. That's that and I have always been honest about it. I don't care what others think. People always take their families side or their friend's side and that's okay. I am grown up enough to know that. But during a time when you are going through a dissolution and being told you 'broke' them, when really neglect broke you is hard to deal with. How can you explain to someone that won't hear you that a psychosis comes due to strenuous difficulties that make you snap and that that cause is something that could have been fixed with affection. They don't get. They never probably will if they are too dense to get that you are the same you just had a bad episode. I didn't cause grey hairs all you had to do was love me. I didn't fight like crazy with him everyday. I was actually doing quite well the last few weeks now on my meds. It's funny because you get on your meds, you start stabilizing, and then all the sudden you are too much because you have proof of infidelity. It doesn't matter then though because that truth doesn't come out. A childish game of whose wrong and whose right happens. You cannot admit when you were bad and they can't either. Yet I can. I know I argued for the love I deserved. I know I was unhappy in that living situation because I was nowhere near my husband even when I sat right next to him. I know that bothered me beyond belief and I know I would yell when I would come to a snapping point. Sometimes others have a hard time seeing what they did, how they treated you, or how selfish they could be. I know that I asked for attention and it was not just because I wanted love it was because I wanted to feel cared for or feel like I meant something more than just 'this tucking crazy cunt". I am sorry if my arguments when shit was awful where 'crazy' but to me they weren't they felt appropriate. Maybe I flew off the handle because of my illness but that is only because when you mix a feeling of neglect with a feeling of manic you get the shit hitting the fan. But even when I apologize things need to start being worked on and if they are stagnant they go nowhere. It was stagnant. I did everything I could to get better and not fly off the handle- I got on my meds by my own free will, I started this very blog for therapeutic reasons, and I started drawing and writing to take my illness out on the paper. I gave understanding and even dealt with noting having much attention but that wasn't enough. Apparently being fine for weeks was not enough. Well so be it. I cried my tears. I have moved my stuff. I have yelled and I have talked and I have signed the papers. What can I say? When it is time to end a marriage you would have fought for under different circumstances, which you did fight for anyway, and when the other gives up when things get shaky the only answer is yes we can get a divorce.
Then you turn inward. You find yourself again. You find those friends who were the forbidden before who will help you. You remember what it is like to feel loved because you have friends and family surrounding you with care. You eventually will move past the pain, the hurt, and feeling of betrayal. You learn from your mistakes and may make new ones, but you keep going. He is not my life force. He hasn't been for a long time now as he hasn't been with me with me, just around me. I am not his life force. I don't think I ever really was. I knew what marriage was and I don't think he did. He is younger so that makes senses. The settings of our life changed and he reverted into some stranger. Funny he says he doesn't recognize me, but maybe that is because he has changed and the person he has become doesn't know me anymore only knows himself. That's okay. It's all okay. I can move on. I can now find someone who will take the time to understand what I go through, what I have went through, when I need support and will appreciate all my love, kindness, and generosity even if I am a little crazy. They will learn to just embrace that fact and love me for me. Won't blame me for them being overweight and stressed because really you cause yourself to be that way. No one makes you feel anything. You make yourself feel it. If you can't love who you are, you can't love someone else and that makes YOU feel something because of YOURSELF at that tine. He needs time to grow and mature. I need someone who is already there.
That is my peace. Thank you for reading my novel of a post.
Lea
1) I can be very high on life during mania and that means I am frisky, I spend money (but never to the point of not keeping enough to pay bills) and I am easily agitated but will calm down after a few moments alone.
2) When I am manic I can be a handful because I am extremely aggregated, and not doing something I find is important makes me very upset. During these times I cry quite a bit, or will be very quiet because I have nothing to say because I am in my own head.
3) I need attention. I don't ask for attention 24/7 but as a sensitive person I need attention from those I love. Perhaps this is not a flaw but some apparently think so. I liked to be hugged, kissed, cuddled, and caressed and I am very upfront about this.
4) When I get angry I don't get normal angry I get raging angry. Everything feels like it is on my shoulders, or I feel too alone, or I feel no one get's it. This is part of my illness that I cannot help.
5) I can become so depressed death is on my mind constantly . To date I have never tried to commit suicide but those thoughts have crossed my mind when I feel I am being attacked for being mentally ill. It makes me feel like I am nothing and like no one will ever understand or just don't want to. These moments are the hardest for me. Especially if they are a mixed episode. I am agitated, irrational, depressed, and I need attention. I just do. I need someone to just hug me and let me cry in their arms. That does the trick. If I am yelling and you yell back it will only make things worse. I you just hold me and tell me it's ok everything is ok, I love you I calm down. My mom used to do it and so did a couple of my ex's and it just did he trick.
These above things are part of me. I cannot in anyway control them on my own. I need medication to help me or I need someone who can be very understanding. If you cannot do that, if you do not take the time to look up and research what it really means to me bipolar then you shouldn't even bother with me because it clearly won't work. I am also a very generous person. I do everything I can for those I love and for strangers (I give to the homeless whenever I possibly can no matter how broke I am). I am very intelligent so I do not like to be treated like an idiot- that will really piss me off and you will get rage mode from me.
I have physical issues I cannot control. I have degenerative arthritis, arthropothy, a bulging disk, a pinched sciatic nerve, and a tear in my hip. This may mean I need help lifting things, walking at times, getting up (which can at time be very hard for me now). I need and cherish understanding. I know have illnesses is not sexy but I cannot help it. I don't need someone telling me to go workout, to tone up, or whatever. I will do what I please and would never let myself become a weak withering little lady. I am still strong but I just have issues.
My marriage to me was my life for the last year and a half. I never imagined that I would be getting a divorce so shortly after my marriage began. I meant my vows when I made them. I truly did. I did not ever intend to let things get in the way of my relationship. Sadly, the last several months have been awful for both sides I'm sure. The second we moved to his mom's we slept in separate rooms which was a red flag to me. I do not want to sleep without my significant other by my side. The difference between us was I don't care how small the bed is I want to be close to whomever I am with. If that is a flaw so be it. When we moved there it was like he reverted back to when he was younger and living there. We pretty much lived around each other. To be quite honest I did not want to move. I didn't. I love being around my family and I liked that we were around each other a lot more. Him sleeping in a separate room, a separate bed and us saying my room or your room was not okay with me. It made me feel alone. Very very alone. Yes of course I would snap and get angry because the second we moved there we lost all our intimacy all of our relationship had turned into something it hadn't been before. When you lose all intimacy then yes you do get very 'needy' because you are not getting what a normal person would find is an appropriate amount of attention.
I fought for it. I did. I wanted the love back, I wanted the attention and affection back. It was gone. It was lost somewhere. We didn't do anything for our anniversary, he last minute got me a card and rose for valentines and for my birthday I took myself to dinner. That didn't seem fair. So yes I was furious. I won't deny that. I feel I had every right to feel that way. I don't care about the gifts I care if you remember that I hate my birthday and so you make sure to distract me because it's what I would do for you. I would do anything for you if you needed it that is how love is for me. I will help you through horrible times and stick around to help even if your an ass because I can be that way too. I will do to you what I need for myself. But when you start pulling away there is not much a girl can do. Every attempt is turned down, every snuggle fest is forgotten. Cute texts are sent between each other and the second you get home there is nothing. None of those cute texts come true anymore. Kisses don't linger anymore no matter how much one wants it. Hugs become a rare occurrence. You get told "you broke them" like you are some sort of drill sergeant. You feel that the other cannot even get through his/her own thoughts of pride to see why you acted or reacted the way you did.
You see someone sitting there all day in fantasy land playing video games and you start to realize that that game gets more attention than you and what happens then? You get mad. You get hurt. You get upset. I played a lot of video games when we lost our first pregnancy but I was also very loving at the same time. However, when you come home to someone who doesn't barely talk to you because he/she is busy with a game, doesn't realize you are crying upstairs in your room for long periods of time you start to realize the other has no clue what they are doing to you. They cannot possibly realize why you are so upset and enraged. They call you the crazy one. You clean, you cook, you take care of business and there is a lack of appreciation. There is no way to get it in their heads that you are not being inappropriate with reactions, that you are being true to what the marriage you signed up for was. Then you realize that there is no caring left from the other side. He/she thinks you just are super different without realizing they changed and it simply made you upset.
The worst part is when you get so distraught from losing the relationship you had that you end up in a psychosis. You hear things, you see things. Things seem so manipulative. Your brain is no longer really yours. It has become its own entity and you are just a passenger in the your own body. Then when no understanding is to be seen you get told you are exaggerating your illness so you can act crazy. No. NO. I would love to not be feeling so crazy. I would love for someone to be there holding my hand throughout the ordeal not the controller. It is not fun to see yourself as someone else during a psychosis. The person in the mirror is not you. This doesn't always last a long time. Mine was maybe a couple weeks and then I got on meds asap. If your significant other goes through this it is because something in their life made them snap. You should look at your significant other, the relationship, and look inward to see if you had something to do wit hit. Pride is hard to get past but in a relationship you need to know that realizing you may have caused an issue or been neglectful then just realize it. It won't be a problem if you can realize it and work with your significant other to become stronger because of it. Do not just give them an ultimatum - deal with the game play or leave. That's not fair. I know marriages are never ever 50/50, sometimes you put more in than the other and sometimes they need to put more in than you but you never leave them hanging. You don't make them feel you are a chore. I listen. I care. I am kind. I am sick and I need affection. That's that and I have always been honest about it. I don't care what others think. People always take their families side or their friend's side and that's okay. I am grown up enough to know that. But during a time when you are going through a dissolution and being told you 'broke' them, when really neglect broke you is hard to deal with. How can you explain to someone that won't hear you that a psychosis comes due to strenuous difficulties that make you snap and that that cause is something that could have been fixed with affection. They don't get. They never probably will if they are too dense to get that you are the same you just had a bad episode. I didn't cause grey hairs all you had to do was love me. I didn't fight like crazy with him everyday. I was actually doing quite well the last few weeks now on my meds. It's funny because you get on your meds, you start stabilizing, and then all the sudden you are too much because you have proof of infidelity. It doesn't matter then though because that truth doesn't come out. A childish game of whose wrong and whose right happens. You cannot admit when you were bad and they can't either. Yet I can. I know I argued for the love I deserved. I know I was unhappy in that living situation because I was nowhere near my husband even when I sat right next to him. I know that bothered me beyond belief and I know I would yell when I would come to a snapping point. Sometimes others have a hard time seeing what they did, how they treated you, or how selfish they could be. I know that I asked for attention and it was not just because I wanted love it was because I wanted to feel cared for or feel like I meant something more than just 'this tucking crazy cunt". I am sorry if my arguments when shit was awful where 'crazy' but to me they weren't they felt appropriate. Maybe I flew off the handle because of my illness but that is only because when you mix a feeling of neglect with a feeling of manic you get the shit hitting the fan. But even when I apologize things need to start being worked on and if they are stagnant they go nowhere. It was stagnant. I did everything I could to get better and not fly off the handle- I got on my meds by my own free will, I started this very blog for therapeutic reasons, and I started drawing and writing to take my illness out on the paper. I gave understanding and even dealt with noting having much attention but that wasn't enough. Apparently being fine for weeks was not enough. Well so be it. I cried my tears. I have moved my stuff. I have yelled and I have talked and I have signed the papers. What can I say? When it is time to end a marriage you would have fought for under different circumstances, which you did fight for anyway, and when the other gives up when things get shaky the only answer is yes we can get a divorce.
Then you turn inward. You find yourself again. You find those friends who were the forbidden before who will help you. You remember what it is like to feel loved because you have friends and family surrounding you with care. You eventually will move past the pain, the hurt, and feeling of betrayal. You learn from your mistakes and may make new ones, but you keep going. He is not my life force. He hasn't been for a long time now as he hasn't been with me with me, just around me. I am not his life force. I don't think I ever really was. I knew what marriage was and I don't think he did. He is younger so that makes senses. The settings of our life changed and he reverted into some stranger. Funny he says he doesn't recognize me, but maybe that is because he has changed and the person he has become doesn't know me anymore only knows himself. That's okay. It's all okay. I can move on. I can now find someone who will take the time to understand what I go through, what I have went through, when I need support and will appreciate all my love, kindness, and generosity even if I am a little crazy. They will learn to just embrace that fact and love me for me. Won't blame me for them being overweight and stressed because really you cause yourself to be that way. No one makes you feel anything. You make yourself feel it. If you can't love who you are, you can't love someone else and that makes YOU feel something because of YOURSELF at that tine. He needs time to grow and mature. I need someone who is already there.
That is my peace. Thank you for reading my novel of a post.
Lea
Friday, April 18, 2014
It's a Mad World
Today I am not that okay. I am so not okay I deliberately threw a glass so that I could get some of my rage out. It was stupid of course but I could not keep it contained and I didn't feel like yelling. Normally I would have thrown something unbreakable but today I wanted to see something shatter. Maybe that says something about my subconscious feelings at the time. Maybe I feel shattered or felt shattered at that moment so I wanted to shatter something else. A weird kind of misery loves company song right.
Sometimes I just feel totally fine and the next thing I know I am in shambles or on the rocks looking down at the plummet, feeling angry, morose, dehumanized almost. It's a weird kind of feeling to feel dehumanized. Is it brain connections that do that sort of thing? Make you feel as if 'this cannot possibly be real, I am not real, nothing around me is connected anymore'. It feels terrifying to think that way and there is nothing I can do about it. I can pinch myself like in the olden movies where they say 'I had to pinch myself to make sure it was real' but it never does help. It's an uncared for feeling that plummets you down the depths of endless lost caves and frightening sounds of your life feeling like it is crumbling around you. Like you're in a movie and you're the only one who doesn't know it. How strange a concept that is and yet that is my perspective sometimes. If I died would I just wake up again in some other world I didn't realize I was actually in? That's how it feels.
Dehumanized- why would someone feel that way in their own human skin? I am not so positive of the answer on that one. Perhaps because I feel all the cares I have are nothing and it's not worth it to care for or because it seems no one else cares about them. Maybe it is my brain saying something to me I don't understand in Morse code and I just don't get it, and because of that I don't feel human I feel OTHER. I do. I don't know how to explain how one feels other in a way that isn't like 'the other race or gender or whatever'. It's an Other like a different human that's not human. I am loved by people but it surely feel like no love sometimes. And it isn't them it's me I know that.
It's just difficult to cope and comprehend when your brain is blending you a nice dish of 'you're fucked up' and there is no end in the foreseeable future that this cycle will ever end. Even on meds that tranquilize you, or are supposed to stabilize your moods you feel the cycling like your on some bicycle marathon for life. I am on 500mg of Seroquel and look how down and mad I am. Mad in the sense of the Mad Hatter. Nothing seems to be grounding me like I wish it would. Last night I was so panicked and angry and annoyed that I took 400mg of Seroquel at 8pm just so I wouldn't have to be awake for the rest of the night. Down fall- I woke up early and that means a longer day of dealing with myself, and others.
I don't know who I am today because at the moment I feel lost in the memoirs of my brain switching stories and memories quickly and yes there was a trigger. I would say a big trigger. But I am going to leave that alone because I don't want to touch that smoking gun. What more shall I do to coax my life in the right direction. Yesterday I couldn't muster up the energy, courage, or whatever to get me to get in the car and go to class. I couldn't. I wanted to be on this couch all day. The one remarkable thing is I had a talk with my mother-in-law and she decided a walk would be best and it did help for a bit but of course my brain said "um no that's not going to happen, you are not going to be any type of cheery, so fuck off'. And I did. I panicked and melted away and then tranquilized myself to sleep. I don't know if I ate anything yesterday but I don't feel any kind of hunger and I am sure it's because of the down turned mood of the week.
My one professor told me he completely understood as his wife has Bipolar. Funny I never know too much about professors, even the ones that I deem my favorite, and this man told me something very personal. It makes the professor more real right. You never really feel like there persons like you and me they are just teachers. And then it become a reality that while you have to do all this work for them that they have to grade all their classes work and deal with the same issues as you and it all the sudden sinks in that we all share a common thread.
Nonetheless the thread can be thicker on one end than on the other depending on the month, the day (if there is bad news that's even worse), even at an event. It all makes a difference in the mind of a mentally ill person. What am I doing? Where am I? Why? Why is a big one for me. I always ask why do I fall into traps, why do I seemingly have to deal with so many struggles (and yes I know there are other people dealing with much worse struggles but that shouldn't make you feel that yours aren't important), and why is it never ending? This world is filled with suffering and hurting, and lost minds, and loss of care, and loss of caring health facilities as the world turns to greed and the lowly are left behind. Our problem are turned to dust to so many and we are left trying to take care of ourselves when we can't even get it together to get in the car and drive without a panic attack.
Whose left us here? Why are there so many suffering people when we could easily care for them? An example I like to use is this; in America a lot of our agriculture is sent off for profit. We have so much agriculture that is 'extra' that we could give to the starving young and families here in the US. The US has a few billion dollar budget for military expenses and what-nots and if we just took even half a billion, even less, we could feed all those starving people here and in other places. It's kind of hard to believe that in a world were fake worth (money) runs the world people can't just come together for those who are starving, or sick, or severely mentally ill, or physically not well and take care of them pro bono. Is everyone that concerned about a green piece of paper? Obviously. I met a person once who thought is was dumb and obnoxious to think that the homeless and those struggling deserve help. Let me tell you we are not friends. But it goes to show that people are losing some compassion. I think they see the green in their accounts and think 'I am not giving any of this to anyone who is apparently struggling because if I earned so can they'. Um in Ethiopia that is far from the truth asshole. I honestly believe some people are so ignorant about what actually is happening to people around the world that they think the world revolves around the US and Capitalism. Idiots.
Let me now get to the point of the above. It's not just hunger that is a struggle, it is also mental illness. Mental illness institutions used to be everywhere. They used to be a place for those who even did criminal acts (but did so in accord with their mental illness), there used to be centers that helped people like me and you with severe bipolar disorder and would give you sessions with someone to talk to, give you meds and help you. Now that is not a thing. Some places do exist to help the mentally ill but it isn't many. So what happened? We have sent them to jails-which have been privatized and that means the owners are making a pretty penny off criminalizing the mentally ill, and those who are so underprivileged they don't have much choice but to steal to feed their family or steal to get their mom her heart meds. We have psych wards that are supposed to help but I sometimes think can make people feel worse and more ostracized. The second someone hears you were in a psych ward they look at you like you have shot all over your face. I was just reading "Brain on Fire" and even the doctors in the book made a threat to this girls parents that if she cannot get controlled "she will be put somewhere worse"- which was a threat of going to the psych ward!!!! What the hell is that! So we are left waiting sometimes months to see a shrink or a counselor to talk to unless you have wonderful insurance (I am referring to here in the US). Waiting and Waiting. And here many doctors are scared to give you therapeutic levels of medicines that can be abused because so many NON mentally ill, or physically ill people smuggle their way into the system and get drugs they don't need leaving the rest of us suffering. But that is also on the doctors. If you know I am ill then don't under-medicate me so I become a crazed bipolar maniac lol. Don't let me suffer constant panic attacks because some other doctor didn't realize he was handing out scripts to druggies. Wake up!
My mind is clearly wondering and rambling because of the mixed state I am in so forgive me please. But I had to release it from my mind. Thank you for reading and please pass on to give others an understanding of what it is to be in the mind of a bipolar person.
Lea Silva
Sometimes I just feel totally fine and the next thing I know I am in shambles or on the rocks looking down at the plummet, feeling angry, morose, dehumanized almost. It's a weird kind of feeling to feel dehumanized. Is it brain connections that do that sort of thing? Make you feel as if 'this cannot possibly be real, I am not real, nothing around me is connected anymore'. It feels terrifying to think that way and there is nothing I can do about it. I can pinch myself like in the olden movies where they say 'I had to pinch myself to make sure it was real' but it never does help. It's an uncared for feeling that plummets you down the depths of endless lost caves and frightening sounds of your life feeling like it is crumbling around you. Like you're in a movie and you're the only one who doesn't know it. How strange a concept that is and yet that is my perspective sometimes. If I died would I just wake up again in some other world I didn't realize I was actually in? That's how it feels.
Dehumanized- why would someone feel that way in their own human skin? I am not so positive of the answer on that one. Perhaps because I feel all the cares I have are nothing and it's not worth it to care for or because it seems no one else cares about them. Maybe it is my brain saying something to me I don't understand in Morse code and I just don't get it, and because of that I don't feel human I feel OTHER. I do. I don't know how to explain how one feels other in a way that isn't like 'the other race or gender or whatever'. It's an Other like a different human that's not human. I am loved by people but it surely feel like no love sometimes. And it isn't them it's me I know that.
It's just difficult to cope and comprehend when your brain is blending you a nice dish of 'you're fucked up' and there is no end in the foreseeable future that this cycle will ever end. Even on meds that tranquilize you, or are supposed to stabilize your moods you feel the cycling like your on some bicycle marathon for life. I am on 500mg of Seroquel and look how down and mad I am. Mad in the sense of the Mad Hatter. Nothing seems to be grounding me like I wish it would. Last night I was so panicked and angry and annoyed that I took 400mg of Seroquel at 8pm just so I wouldn't have to be awake for the rest of the night. Down fall- I woke up early and that means a longer day of dealing with myself, and others.
I don't know who I am today because at the moment I feel lost in the memoirs of my brain switching stories and memories quickly and yes there was a trigger. I would say a big trigger. But I am going to leave that alone because I don't want to touch that smoking gun. What more shall I do to coax my life in the right direction. Yesterday I couldn't muster up the energy, courage, or whatever to get me to get in the car and go to class. I couldn't. I wanted to be on this couch all day. The one remarkable thing is I had a talk with my mother-in-law and she decided a walk would be best and it did help for a bit but of course my brain said "um no that's not going to happen, you are not going to be any type of cheery, so fuck off'. And I did. I panicked and melted away and then tranquilized myself to sleep. I don't know if I ate anything yesterday but I don't feel any kind of hunger and I am sure it's because of the down turned mood of the week.
My one professor told me he completely understood as his wife has Bipolar. Funny I never know too much about professors, even the ones that I deem my favorite, and this man told me something very personal. It makes the professor more real right. You never really feel like there persons like you and me they are just teachers. And then it become a reality that while you have to do all this work for them that they have to grade all their classes work and deal with the same issues as you and it all the sudden sinks in that we all share a common thread.
Nonetheless the thread can be thicker on one end than on the other depending on the month, the day (if there is bad news that's even worse), even at an event. It all makes a difference in the mind of a mentally ill person. What am I doing? Where am I? Why? Why is a big one for me. I always ask why do I fall into traps, why do I seemingly have to deal with so many struggles (and yes I know there are other people dealing with much worse struggles but that shouldn't make you feel that yours aren't important), and why is it never ending? This world is filled with suffering and hurting, and lost minds, and loss of care, and loss of caring health facilities as the world turns to greed and the lowly are left behind. Our problem are turned to dust to so many and we are left trying to take care of ourselves when we can't even get it together to get in the car and drive without a panic attack.
Whose left us here? Why are there so many suffering people when we could easily care for them? An example I like to use is this; in America a lot of our agriculture is sent off for profit. We have so much agriculture that is 'extra' that we could give to the starving young and families here in the US. The US has a few billion dollar budget for military expenses and what-nots and if we just took even half a billion, even less, we could feed all those starving people here and in other places. It's kind of hard to believe that in a world were fake worth (money) runs the world people can't just come together for those who are starving, or sick, or severely mentally ill, or physically not well and take care of them pro bono. Is everyone that concerned about a green piece of paper? Obviously. I met a person once who thought is was dumb and obnoxious to think that the homeless and those struggling deserve help. Let me tell you we are not friends. But it goes to show that people are losing some compassion. I think they see the green in their accounts and think 'I am not giving any of this to anyone who is apparently struggling because if I earned so can they'. Um in Ethiopia that is far from the truth asshole. I honestly believe some people are so ignorant about what actually is happening to people around the world that they think the world revolves around the US and Capitalism. Idiots.
Let me now get to the point of the above. It's not just hunger that is a struggle, it is also mental illness. Mental illness institutions used to be everywhere. They used to be a place for those who even did criminal acts (but did so in accord with their mental illness), there used to be centers that helped people like me and you with severe bipolar disorder and would give you sessions with someone to talk to, give you meds and help you. Now that is not a thing. Some places do exist to help the mentally ill but it isn't many. So what happened? We have sent them to jails-which have been privatized and that means the owners are making a pretty penny off criminalizing the mentally ill, and those who are so underprivileged they don't have much choice but to steal to feed their family or steal to get their mom her heart meds. We have psych wards that are supposed to help but I sometimes think can make people feel worse and more ostracized. The second someone hears you were in a psych ward they look at you like you have shot all over your face. I was just reading "Brain on Fire" and even the doctors in the book made a threat to this girls parents that if she cannot get controlled "she will be put somewhere worse"- which was a threat of going to the psych ward!!!! What the hell is that! So we are left waiting sometimes months to see a shrink or a counselor to talk to unless you have wonderful insurance (I am referring to here in the US). Waiting and Waiting. And here many doctors are scared to give you therapeutic levels of medicines that can be abused because so many NON mentally ill, or physically ill people smuggle their way into the system and get drugs they don't need leaving the rest of us suffering. But that is also on the doctors. If you know I am ill then don't under-medicate me so I become a crazed bipolar maniac lol. Don't let me suffer constant panic attacks because some other doctor didn't realize he was handing out scripts to druggies. Wake up!
My mind is clearly wondering and rambling because of the mixed state I am in so forgive me please. But I had to release it from my mind. Thank you for reading and please pass on to give others an understanding of what it is to be in the mind of a bipolar person.
Lea Silva
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Diagnosis, and the 'Episodes'
There are millions of people out there suffering from some sort of mental illness be it depression, some sort of anxiety, OCD, schizophrenia, sociopath, psychopathy, PTSD, ADHD, Bipolar disorder, and so forth. Do you ever wonder what those people must be feeling? I certainly do. Are they feeling like I felt in my teens when I had no idea why I acted the way I did. I was told by friends and some family members that it was because my dad wasn't there, or because my father had had a temper but I knew that could not be it. I felt lost in a big world with a brain I didn't understand. When bad things came my way, no matter how big or small, it changed the way I felt instantly. I thought I was broken, something was wrong with me. I broke phones, glasses, pans, windows, my wrist, toes (from kicking things), hurt others with my vicious words, and struggled. I still struggle daily but at least now I know why and that makes it a little easier. I have learned to cope with having mental illness, and I have learned to be humble and apologize. I will never be able to stop myself from fixating on one thing that hurt me, or feel so hurt I fall deep down, and I won't be the typical average 'non-mentally ill' person (whatever that may mean). I will always struggle to hold my tongue, focus my mind on not raging or getting angry, and my greatest fear is I will never learn to cope with dealing with work everyday. I have a hard time coping with school 4 days a week, so I fear not being able to do what I want in life (unless I find a way to do it at home). I am going to present here a tale from my life that affected me forever. An event that affected me and caused my 'episodes' to start. While I am positive bipolar disorder is just in my genetic code because I have done therapy for this specific part of my life several times, I do believe this set me off earlier than if this hadn't happened. I am opening up on something I HATE talking about so please no harsh commenting, and at the end of this post you will understand why I telling you this. So here goes it.
As a young girl I was raped. I was 12 and he was 24. My friends and me went to a friend of a friends house and I had my first 40 (big mistake kids to think you are ready for that when you are not). In the end I was left passed out in some strangers bedroom. I awoke to a man, who was much bigger and stronger than me, maybe 6 Ft or so, on top of me. I looked around panicking, not knowing what I should do. Do I yell? If I yell he might hit me. Do I try and run? No he will probably hit me. And that's the answer I just kept coming to. My 12 year old body was drunk, and was so trapped and afraid of what was about to happen. Trying with all my might to get up from under him and I just felt paralyzed. Holding my one wrist he ended up getting the clothes off below the waist and here I am frozen in terror. I felt so horrified. I remember tears coming down the side of my face silently. I could muster up only the courage to say this "I'm a virgin please don't hurt me". The sick bastard smiled at that. I won't ever forget that look. EVER. My wrist was released but I had no power. My tiny short body was stuck under this disgusting piece of s**t. I wanted to die. I tried pushing him off me but realized the more I fight the more he will fight and I just waited. I waited to be set free. When I was I b lined my way out of that house. Dazed and not really knowing what just happened, what I should do, and where exactly I was I just started walking.
The worst part was I didn't want to say anything because I felt humiliated. I felt like nothing. I felt that what was special about me wasn't special anymore. I didn't know what to tell my friends, and I definitely did not know what to tell my mom. I simply said I lost my virginity to friends and mindlessly answered questions and the whole time I was doing this the image of me dying was in my mind. The image of me, at 12, dying was all I saw. I was so mortified I feared telling my friends the truth. I don't really know why but that's how I felt. My mom figured it out. I asked 'Do tampons break your hymen?" She immediately knew something was wrong. She asked me "Did you have sex?" I swallowed my vomit and said 'kind of'. She was starting to get the point. When I told her he was 24, told her my friends got me drunk, told her 'no I don't know if he wore a condom because I was not awake when he got atop me', she flipped like any mom would and took me to the police station.
I tell this story because this is what I thought caused all my issues. I'm sure it caused a lot, and I am sure it slowly formed my panic disorder, and my rage that usually is worse with men but I do not believe it is what caused me to be bipolar, it only made my episodes worse. I look at my younger sister who is 12 and think about how tiny she is. She is strong, but she is tiny. She is a child. She is so innocent. Her skin has not met time yet and her body has not even taken shape yet. I am 28 and I look at her and see a baby. How any 'man' could look at a young child like that and watch them get drunk and then rape them is far past my ability to understand.
When I first saw a psychologist he asked me if I had every been abused in anyway and I shortly said yes, I was raped. I refused to talk about it because it always would throw me into an 'episode' as my mother would say. He backed off the subject and discussed how abuse affects the mentally ill, how holding it in exacerbates it, and how to try and combat my rage. Note: I went to a doctor finally because I was raging out on everyone so I needed help.
I had come to realize that I CANNOT let that disgusting worthless pos take me down. I may always have to deal with bipolar disorder and panic disorder, but I can get some control by not letting his actions control my outlook.
It took me a long time to realize that even though I can be absolutely nuts sometimes, that I do not deserve bad treatment, that I don't have to turn a blind eye to a douchebag boyfriend cheating, and that even with my crazy moments my mind is wonderful and I can offer something to this world because of my experiences. I can tell my story and hope it helps others. I know that what happened to me is awful but by working through it I helped my coping skills. Much more has happened to me since then that was not pleasant but it gave me perspective.
I sometimes do wonder though how would I be if that hadn't happened to me? Would I have lived differently? Would I have chosen the path I did as a teen? Would I have had such a bad bipolar break and panic disorder?
I answer these questions as such:
If that had not happened to me I may have lived a life without actual knowledge or understanding of what people are capable of. We all hear these stories and all see news videos of gruesome events but most of us think that will never happen to me, or we see it, recognize it, but have this strange habit of not really thinking of it as real. I dealt with this in reality so I have an inside perspective. I have more empathy for victims of all sorts of crimes, which makes me try and be moral and kind. However, my knowledge of this kind of abuse led me to realize how awful this world can be. Because I can empathize so much when people are mistreated I feel deeply. This deep feeling is ignited by bipolar disorder and I drown into a manic state. So deep I won't leave the house or I will go MIA and not talk to anyone but my mom and husband. So maybe if this hadn't happened my manic stages wouldn't be so severe, but I learned I have to find silver linings or I will become very sorrowful. So I am able to see the world in a different way than most; I see the world without blinders and that makes it easier for me to connect the dots in life.
This awful experience caused me to delve deep into my academics as a young teen. However, even though I was offered several full ride scholarships I turned them down. I was not ready. I had too much going on in my head and I had no clue what I would even go for. I ended up taking a couple classes here and there at the community college and hated it so I stopped. I worked under the table and learned a lot about what really happens in this world and not just what media wants us to think, or what materialistic people see. The world can be disgusting, greedy, addicted, and dirty but can also be moving, kind, and beautiful. Through this stage in life I could not control my illness. I would have 'episodes' all the time. I didn't like staying at one job for too long, hated working on a specific schedule, and hated having a boss. I couldn't cope with it. I was so dysfunctional. The psychiatrist put me on Abilify and Cymbalta which just put me into a sedative state, while the Cymbalta caused another manic episode. I soon learned I needed out of my real life lifestyle. I needed to get away from the guy I was dating who made me go crazy, and I needed to let my intelligent mind work.
I went back to university with a scholarship (6 or so years after high school I still got the scholarship). I have been to so many doctors trying to help me mentally and physically and I had seen the discrimination first hand.
I'm sure I am not the only tattooed bipolar person that has been drug tested with no reason to even suspect abuse (I never failed any of them). I also felt I was sometimes treated poorly or condescendingly because I was bipolar. One doctor refused to listen to me about how sick I was feeling and he insisted it was anxiety and a mania stage. I of course flipped out and he of course dickishly said "see it's just your bipolar disorder". The next day I had emergency surgery to get my appendix removed because it was about to burst. So my intentions are to advocate for patients via ethical systems. I am sick of feeling like I need to keep things hidden, or like I will be stigmatized or discriminated against just because I need specific meds. I don't want anyone to deal with all of the BS I have dealt with. I want to advocate for the mentally ill, especially when it comes to bipolar disorder as so many people have asked "oh come on are you really bipolar? I think that is just an excuse. Bipolar disorder isn't real is it?" That always hurts and reminds me why I like staying inside. But as my panic disorder progresses and I cope with rapid cycling bipolar I find myself more determined to tell people all about my experiences. It may take forever but if this helps one person it is worth it. If one person can learn what it feels like to deal with this it will be worth it. Every experience that drives my anxiety or throws me into an 'episode' gives me more perspective. Learning to deal with doctors is important too. So while I have here written a novel, it was to show that while many find it hard to express their problems, experiences, or how they were abused and how that affects them, that letting it out is helpful. It is calming. I find some peace from my minds antics when I write and I find sanctuary in books and others' writings about their experience. I am here to support anyone that needs it. I am writing to help myself and hopefully others. I am here to show those who think its not real, or an excuse, that it is more complex than they can imagine. And I want to write this so those that have someone who deals with bipolar disorder and/or panic disorder can maybe get an inside look on how we think, our process in thought, how we link things together, and perhaps then understand why certain things put together can make us snap. I wrote my long story today to shed some light on how I process when I am manic, to see how far I have come (or maybe not lol), and to recognize what is on my mind that I didn't realize was even causing my depression today.
I know this was long so thank you for reading this if you made it down to here
Pass the links to the posts along to those who may not understand bipolar or panic disorder but need to, or to those who are having a hard time coping. I am more than happy to try and give advice. Thanks
Lea Silva
As a young girl I was raped. I was 12 and he was 24. My friends and me went to a friend of a friends house and I had my first 40 (big mistake kids to think you are ready for that when you are not). In the end I was left passed out in some strangers bedroom. I awoke to a man, who was much bigger and stronger than me, maybe 6 Ft or so, on top of me. I looked around panicking, not knowing what I should do. Do I yell? If I yell he might hit me. Do I try and run? No he will probably hit me. And that's the answer I just kept coming to. My 12 year old body was drunk, and was so trapped and afraid of what was about to happen. Trying with all my might to get up from under him and I just felt paralyzed. Holding my one wrist he ended up getting the clothes off below the waist and here I am frozen in terror. I felt so horrified. I remember tears coming down the side of my face silently. I could muster up only the courage to say this "I'm a virgin please don't hurt me". The sick bastard smiled at that. I won't ever forget that look. EVER. My wrist was released but I had no power. My tiny short body was stuck under this disgusting piece of s**t. I wanted to die. I tried pushing him off me but realized the more I fight the more he will fight and I just waited. I waited to be set free. When I was I b lined my way out of that house. Dazed and not really knowing what just happened, what I should do, and where exactly I was I just started walking.
The worst part was I didn't want to say anything because I felt humiliated. I felt like nothing. I felt that what was special about me wasn't special anymore. I didn't know what to tell my friends, and I definitely did not know what to tell my mom. I simply said I lost my virginity to friends and mindlessly answered questions and the whole time I was doing this the image of me dying was in my mind. The image of me, at 12, dying was all I saw. I was so mortified I feared telling my friends the truth. I don't really know why but that's how I felt. My mom figured it out. I asked 'Do tampons break your hymen?" She immediately knew something was wrong. She asked me "Did you have sex?" I swallowed my vomit and said 'kind of'. She was starting to get the point. When I told her he was 24, told her my friends got me drunk, told her 'no I don't know if he wore a condom because I was not awake when he got atop me', she flipped like any mom would and took me to the police station.
I tell this story because this is what I thought caused all my issues. I'm sure it caused a lot, and I am sure it slowly formed my panic disorder, and my rage that usually is worse with men but I do not believe it is what caused me to be bipolar, it only made my episodes worse. I look at my younger sister who is 12 and think about how tiny she is. She is strong, but she is tiny. She is a child. She is so innocent. Her skin has not met time yet and her body has not even taken shape yet. I am 28 and I look at her and see a baby. How any 'man' could look at a young child like that and watch them get drunk and then rape them is far past my ability to understand.
When I first saw a psychologist he asked me if I had every been abused in anyway and I shortly said yes, I was raped. I refused to talk about it because it always would throw me into an 'episode' as my mother would say. He backed off the subject and discussed how abuse affects the mentally ill, how holding it in exacerbates it, and how to try and combat my rage. Note: I went to a doctor finally because I was raging out on everyone so I needed help.
I had come to realize that I CANNOT let that disgusting worthless pos take me down. I may always have to deal with bipolar disorder and panic disorder, but I can get some control by not letting his actions control my outlook.
It took me a long time to realize that even though I can be absolutely nuts sometimes, that I do not deserve bad treatment, that I don't have to turn a blind eye to a douchebag boyfriend cheating, and that even with my crazy moments my mind is wonderful and I can offer something to this world because of my experiences. I can tell my story and hope it helps others. I know that what happened to me is awful but by working through it I helped my coping skills. Much more has happened to me since then that was not pleasant but it gave me perspective.
I sometimes do wonder though how would I be if that hadn't happened to me? Would I have lived differently? Would I have chosen the path I did as a teen? Would I have had such a bad bipolar break and panic disorder?
I answer these questions as such:
If that had not happened to me I may have lived a life without actual knowledge or understanding of what people are capable of. We all hear these stories and all see news videos of gruesome events but most of us think that will never happen to me, or we see it, recognize it, but have this strange habit of not really thinking of it as real. I dealt with this in reality so I have an inside perspective. I have more empathy for victims of all sorts of crimes, which makes me try and be moral and kind. However, my knowledge of this kind of abuse led me to realize how awful this world can be. Because I can empathize so much when people are mistreated I feel deeply. This deep feeling is ignited by bipolar disorder and I drown into a manic state. So deep I won't leave the house or I will go MIA and not talk to anyone but my mom and husband. So maybe if this hadn't happened my manic stages wouldn't be so severe, but I learned I have to find silver linings or I will become very sorrowful. So I am able to see the world in a different way than most; I see the world without blinders and that makes it easier for me to connect the dots in life.
This awful experience caused me to delve deep into my academics as a young teen. However, even though I was offered several full ride scholarships I turned them down. I was not ready. I had too much going on in my head and I had no clue what I would even go for. I ended up taking a couple classes here and there at the community college and hated it so I stopped. I worked under the table and learned a lot about what really happens in this world and not just what media wants us to think, or what materialistic people see. The world can be disgusting, greedy, addicted, and dirty but can also be moving, kind, and beautiful. Through this stage in life I could not control my illness. I would have 'episodes' all the time. I didn't like staying at one job for too long, hated working on a specific schedule, and hated having a boss. I couldn't cope with it. I was so dysfunctional. The psychiatrist put me on Abilify and Cymbalta which just put me into a sedative state, while the Cymbalta caused another manic episode. I soon learned I needed out of my real life lifestyle. I needed to get away from the guy I was dating who made me go crazy, and I needed to let my intelligent mind work.
I went back to university with a scholarship (6 or so years after high school I still got the scholarship). I have been to so many doctors trying to help me mentally and physically and I had seen the discrimination first hand.
I'm sure I am not the only tattooed bipolar person that has been drug tested with no reason to even suspect abuse (I never failed any of them). I also felt I was sometimes treated poorly or condescendingly because I was bipolar. One doctor refused to listen to me about how sick I was feeling and he insisted it was anxiety and a mania stage. I of course flipped out and he of course dickishly said "see it's just your bipolar disorder". The next day I had emergency surgery to get my appendix removed because it was about to burst. So my intentions are to advocate for patients via ethical systems. I am sick of feeling like I need to keep things hidden, or like I will be stigmatized or discriminated against just because I need specific meds. I don't want anyone to deal with all of the BS I have dealt with. I want to advocate for the mentally ill, especially when it comes to bipolar disorder as so many people have asked "oh come on are you really bipolar? I think that is just an excuse. Bipolar disorder isn't real is it?" That always hurts and reminds me why I like staying inside. But as my panic disorder progresses and I cope with rapid cycling bipolar I find myself more determined to tell people all about my experiences. It may take forever but if this helps one person it is worth it. If one person can learn what it feels like to deal with this it will be worth it. Every experience that drives my anxiety or throws me into an 'episode' gives me more perspective. Learning to deal with doctors is important too. So while I have here written a novel, it was to show that while many find it hard to express their problems, experiences, or how they were abused and how that affects them, that letting it out is helpful. It is calming. I find some peace from my minds antics when I write and I find sanctuary in books and others' writings about their experience. I am here to support anyone that needs it. I am writing to help myself and hopefully others. I am here to show those who think its not real, or an excuse, that it is more complex than they can imagine. And I want to write this so those that have someone who deals with bipolar disorder and/or panic disorder can maybe get an inside look on how we think, our process in thought, how we link things together, and perhaps then understand why certain things put together can make us snap. I wrote my long story today to shed some light on how I process when I am manic, to see how far I have come (or maybe not lol), and to recognize what is on my mind that I didn't realize was even causing my depression today.
I know this was long so thank you for reading this if you made it down to here
Pass the links to the posts along to those who may not understand bipolar or panic disorder but need to, or to those who are having a hard time coping. I am more than happy to try and give advice. Thanks
Lea Silva
What a HORRIBLE ride!
It's been one of those days where you wake up feeling great and you do your normal routine, feel like a million bucks, and then start driving down the highway and feel completely disconnected from life. Here comes the PANIC!
How miserable it is to feel as if your brain is being weighted down. Everything appears so surreal, like it is all just a dream. You try to talk your self down saying things like "it's okay you are not going to crash and kill people. You are not going to fall asleep for unknown reasons and crash. You are not going to go blind while driving. This is real, take deep breaths and realize you are being irrational." None of these ever work of course. Sometimes I think "just hold on until you get off the exist and then you can take a klonopin". I don't take them while I am driving-That would cause a problem!
You feel your heart pumping faster, literally feel your blood pressure raising (it feels like you are swelling up), fingers, toes, tongue, or some other part of your body starts tingling, and then the shakiness from being on edge, and then BOOM here it is. The dreadful moment of a full on panic attack! Concentrating on anything but irrational thoughts is out of the question. Calming down will not happen for about 20 minutes, and even then your blood pressure will still be high. When you panic it feels like the world is coming in on you through a tunnel. It is eating away at your security, your confidence, and your motivation. It is disturbingly horrifying, especially because deep down you know you are overreacting and NOTHING has or will happen.
How do I deal with this?
I stay for the ride. I have no way of escaping this panic attack unless I am in an area where taking klonopin is acceptable and not dangerous. It is the longest 15 to 20 minutes but it will end. I just keep saying "this will pass" over and over again. Swallowing the lumps of fear, trying not to shake too badly. Eventually it will end. However, this panic attack will make you not want to do the activity that caused the panic attack to begin with. For me it can be driving, social areas filled with people, or having to talk about something medically serious. It's one of the toughest things I deal with besides manic episodes.
It started when I was 19. I was singing an oldies song and this awful feeling washed over me like the world was about to come to a halt. Not knowing what was happening I of course started to panic more! Thinking to myself "I am having a stroke, or a heart attack, oh my god what do I do". I ended up in tears parked in a store's lot. I called a friend to come get me because while the house was only three blocks away I could not force myself to get back in the driver's seat. My mind absolutely forbid it. This happened more and more and got worse and worse to the point were I barely drive and barely go out. I finally did see a doctor when I was 20 who diagnosed me with Bipolar disorder and panic disorder. All the previous years my mom would say I would have 'episodes'- I would rage out and just be so angry, or I would become so down it would scare people because I went into a very dark place. So when this doctor told me what was happening I did not know how to feel. Good because I know now, or Bad because this is going to be my life forever?
Class time.
Lea
Monday, March 31, 2014
Humiliation and Panic
I had to write four papers in the last few weeks, and needless to say it was a daunting task. I had won a trip to the Marlboro Ranch so that was scheduled very inconveniently during the time I needed these papers done. Little did I know that two of my professors would extend the due date. Guess which papers I had written a month before the original due date to have time for the others? You got it, the two that got extended dates. I am an Honors student I can handle a few papers, long or short but something happened to me.
I got stuck in my manic rut. This time it was different. I started cycling through different episodes and could not gain control over my feelings. I felt lost, overwhelmed, and insecure leading to a very sorrowful depressed unmotivated state. It was so debilitating that over spring break I didn't even touch my research or my papers. This is not normal for me. Even in the past when I would go through rapid cycling I still felt motivation to do well academically. Well this lack of motivation caused panic to ensue at an almost constant rate which led to an utterly awful and rushed paper for Biomedical Ethics (my favorite).
Thankfully I have peers that help me edit but this paper is a turd compared to my normal writing skills. Obviously here this is no where near my academic writing but nonetheless I am mortified.
Now having been put back on my meds after a complete break down I am calmest but still feeling sick about the draft I turned in. It is astonishing how a mental illness can diminish your analytical and cognitive skills. You think you are organized and have it together just to come to the realization that you do not. You are overwhelmed and have dug yourself a deep hole. You have decided to not take care of your mental illness because you stereotypically think "Oh I'm good I can control this on my own. I am super rational now and don't need any flipping meds that just tranquilize me!"
You eventually come to realize-once you notice a downturn in your productivity, skill set, and everyday attitude toward the 'innocents'- that you are far from good and far from being able to take care of it alone. Support helps but for me without the meds I feel just nuts. Rolling up and down a hill continuously and destroying things that get in my way. Angry at people who aren't bad people (like getting angry at your husband because deep down you are mad at the world). Sometimes the feelings are correct but a lot of times they are just not.
It can feel mortifying to realize you are acting super irrational when you believe you are thinking logically-and this hurts more when you study gosh dang logic and philosophy! I was open with my professor and apologized for the atrocity I turned in. I did reedit it but who knows if it is even close to my normal work. I had to tell her. It was not an excuse I will fully accept my grade but I felt an apology was in order as I slacked off during break (not because I was drinking and partying and granted it was because of mental sickness).
I do still astonish myself sometimes though because I have a hard time sticking to a job, a budget, a therapy, and so on, but I have stuck to school and researching on my own. I have no clue if I will mentally be able to handle a career or having to be at work most of the week, but with support I can do better.
To be honest, J did slack off a bit more than usual at school attendance wise. Usually I try and make every class and this semester the monster in my head hit, and along with that physical issues. So here I lay with degenerating cartilage and what sometimes feels like a degenerative frontal lobe trying to do what I can. Driving to school, even sitting in a long class, going into some store where I could probably get a job, and panicking really does disable me. Panic and your day may just feel ruined. Panic and be going through a manic or mania stage and guess what, all hell breaks loose inside that brain. You can't get it together. Happiness may be off the table that day(s), and sorrow comes a tumbling on down. It make you feel useless bc wherever you go you start fearing, and wherever you go you may start feeling the affects of mental illness. It makes for a situation where all you want is to go lay down at home. Many times I have fallen victim to it and have just laid in bed all day. This is not normal, and it is not Okay. So please tell anyone who says 'everyone is bipolar' to read this post, shoot email me, IDC, but make sure you realize that bipolar and panic disorders are not 'fake', are not ways to get drugs (JI mean if you really want go ahead get some tranquilizers for bipolar and tell me how ya like it!), nor is it something one should try to handle on their own. Sometimes we need help, sometime we need support.
Thank you
Lea
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