There was a time that I had no idea who I was. Obviously I knew I was Lea, I was a decent person, and I was pretty intelligent. However, I didn't know who I was because everything felt like it was crumbling, I felt I needed attention because I thought it helped me cope with what I was going through, and I always was trying to figure out my morals, my goals, my view on life. When I found out I was Bipolar I didn't really know what to think. It made a lot of sense. I would want to be in a relationship because it made me feel more secure but then I would incidentally feel overwhelmed by the relationship, feel that I didn't know how to deal with my boyfriend when we argued, and I always felt that they were judging me because I would get so down or angry or even hyper. I remember having my ex storm out because I became so hyper-focused on a project I was doing I didn't notice him trying to talk to me. I honestly didn't even notice him leave. Granted he was pretty douchey but I didn't know how to deal with that situation. It seemed really stupid to me and immature, but I felt myself losing patience, getting angry, and being disgusted. I flipped out thinking wow how immature can you be, why would I even tolerate with this? Is it really that hard to believe I was so focused I didn't notice you standing behind me like a creep? I cannot help that this happens to me, nor is it that out of the ordinary as far as I know. The anger I felt was out of the ordinary as he really ticked me off by being so not understanding. He didn't understand much about me. He didn't realize why I would get overly upset by remarks made towards me, why I would get offended so deeply by rape "jokes", why I would get so angry at intolerant people, and why I got so offended or upset by jokes that poked at people with mental disorders. I get upset by a lot and I cannot control that. Somethings I get upset at I understand- people making jokes about rape, molestation, mental illness, pokes at people with bipolar disorder so on. I would also get very aggressive when someone I was dating would tell me to just fuck off, or get control of myself, or instigate me so badly I would rage out. It didn't feel very fair that I would get picked on by someone that was supposed to understand me. It felt awful when I would find something they did very disturbing, annoying, or just wrong and they wouldn't understand that me getting upset as I did was not because I wanted to be that upset. It makes you feel like an outsider and question if you have a right to be upset, and this led me to stay in relationships longer than I should have, to the point that it would exacerbate my issues.
When I found out I was bipolar it had made sense because I had issues with spending money (too much spending), I self sabotaged because of my impulses to do what at that exact moment felt correct (which was usually out of anger or depression or lack of caring), and I had a problem dealing with others. I just could not deal with a lot of people because I felt they just didn't understand anything, or that they were just so ignorant I didn't want to be associated with them. Most importantly I didn't like many people because I had alway felt stigmatized without understanding why. Finding out you have bouts of crying often, having a serious boiling point that caused rage, having a significant amount of pent up anger, having the feeling you should do whatever you feel like doing (which can be dangerous), and having the lowest of low depressions that made me lethargic and feel so demotivated I would skip work or quit jobs made me feel "At least I know why. At least I can understand that part of me now, and hopefully I can get it in check."
However, a big problem with being bipolar is the impulse that can be risky. I would get on meds and be doing so well. I would be able to be calm, stay pretty laid back and only have manic and mania episodes every once in awhile rather than daily, and I could get along with more people (although, I still disliked a lot of people). Yet, once I felt like I was at a good stable point I would get off my meds. For about a month, maybe two, I would still be okay and then there would come a time when it all came crumbling back down. I am not going to lie, there was a point in my younger twenties where I drank too much (around 21-22 maybe 23). I didn't drink daily, and I didn't drink during the day (like that really matters), but at night, because I have always been more of a night owl) I would drink and I would do this a few times a week. No big deal right? Most young twenty something adults drink a few nights a week until they get it out of their systems. My drinking was not like that. I drank to self medicate. I would drink because it usually brought my moods to a neutral, at least that's what I thought. It did not though. Sure sometime I would be what we call "happy drunk" but it actually made me much more hostile. I didn't really notice or I just ignored it. I didn't want to ever become an alcoholic like my dad, and that thought really scared me. But I didn't do drugs. It just wasn't part of my thought process, so I drank thinking it would move me away from the feeling of being "crazy". Being bipolar does NOT mean you are crazy but you certainly may feel that way when it is happening to you.
Eventually I realized that this was not okay. That drinking was making things worse when I was drunk. I am already impulsive at times so add drinking to that and it turns out to be a bad conclusion. Fighting as a grown adult is stupid, especially physical fighting. Getting in arguments with people you are in relationships with becomes a bigger issue than it was, and causing issues for other people. Additionally, I constantly pulled houdinis. This means that I would go out with friends and my sister and at some point I would get either very agitated by someone at the bar, or agitated in general for unknown reasons. When this occurred I would leave. I wouldn't tell anyone I was leaving and I would just disappear. Now this may not seem that bad but when you are downtown at 1 or 2 in the morning it becomes dangerous as there are a lot of creeps out. It also isn't safe to go disappearing when you are so drunk you can't see so well and you are walking around the city not really knowing where you are going to end up. I usually ended up in my bed alone, but there were times where some stranger would pull up and ask if I need a ride. Thinking I was invincible I would take the ride. I indeed ended up at home alone BUT WHO DOES THAT? I could have been in a lot of trouble or done something really stupid and regrettable. I always have to thank my lucky stars that I was lucky and never had anything bad happen to me. There is a story though that really shook me out of the drinking to self medicate.
I got very drunk at a bar and got into an argument with a co-worker who was there. I got a ride to another bar where my now ex was. I was so angry my friend behind the bar gave me the bottle of vodka (bad idea). I ended up being very wasted to the point that I started a fight with my ex. I don't remember any of this, the story I am telling is a story from those that were there. I went outside and started a fight with him, and embarrassingly I tried to hit him, and trip him (which I am not known to be violent at this point anymore towards people in a physical manner). I apparently then start screaming because he is bear hugging me trying to get me to calm down. A car with two girls pull up and I jumped into the passenger's lap and told her I was scared of what he was going to (I was screaming this). He actually did throw something at me and tried to pull me out of the car. This gave them the impression that he was trying to harm me. They drove me by my house, about a block away and I ran out (dropping my migraine meds and my phone in their car and accidentally grabbing the one girls purse.... oops). I passed out on someone lawn and was not responsive to anyone so I was rushed to the ER. I was so angry when I woke up out of this daze that it literally (and you can ask my ex or my mom) took 4 male nurses to hold me down. I had so much rage strength that they asked me if I had taken PCP. I started yelling at them that they were f*cking idiots and to check my blood for PCP. When they drug analysis showed no signs of any drugs they were not very pleasant towards me. I assume it was either because my rage strength was so great that it messed with them mentally because they needed several people to hold me down, and/or it was because I had been that vicious without drugs that it was more offensive that I wasn't on a mind altering drug. I ended up having my mom give the passenger her purse back in exchange for my phone and meds. The girl said she didn't have the meds and I am sure she thought they had some recreational use because they said "for pain", but they were drugs that dilated your blood vessels, so yea have fun with that. In the end, after three days of the worst hangover ever I realized how awful I was when I binged to escape my reality of having a manic mind.
I did date a guy who drank frequently and I would drink more often than usual when I was with him, but I usually did my trick of getting a drink and pretending to take a sip and when I brought my hand down would dump the shot on the floor (sorry bar owners). I did this because of how he reacted if I didn't want to partake in drinking or didn't want to go out. Like I said I ended up staying in bad relationships. Usually I only really drank two maybe three drinks, and only once in awhile did I let loose and drink more. However, this was not a good thing. I could have easily slipped back into that mentality I had had previously. This guy was a piece of work. He was overbearing, controlling, so insecure it was aggravating, nasty towards me, and I believe he intentionally instigated me to become super agro so he could turn the argument around on me. This didn't work because my rage was no thing you want to mess with. In the end I broke it off with him because I couldn't deal with his neediness or his manipulative games (like saying I am gonna leave you if you don't do x or if you do y.. he would do this often and throw shit all around the room and try leaving when he was sauced and I would have to sit in-front of the door for hours until he gave up. It was such a disgusting relationship I couldn't stand one more minute of it and when he said ok well I'm leaving I said okay bye, with the encouragement of someone I thought was a friend but that's another story. I was actually engaged to this guy and had months before asked him to slow it down and he flipped out on me like any alcoholic would. So we broke up a week before we were to be married and I couldn't have been happier. He of course spread the rumor that I cheated on him, which I did NOT but I didn't really care because I was away from him. He made my challenge with bipolar disorder more difficult).
Now I of course have done a lot of impulsive things like getting into relationships without thinking about it, breaking up with people very quickly and coldly, and deciding I need to do x right now, or I need to go buy x this second. I had not so much control over what I wanted, or what I thought I wanted.
I dealt with this kind of stuff for a long time. I would go into severe depressions that led to a corrupt state of mind. I would get so depressed I couldn't eat, sleep, think straight. It would cause me to be very aggressive, and in my much younger years I was violent but as I got older and learned to cope at least a little bit that kind of behavior subsided. I couldn't imagine myself doing that kind of harm unless I was defending myself.
At anyrate, when I got away from that relationship I slowly was able to get away from the bar scene. Yes I had a couple nights of getting drunk because I was trying to deal with the craziness of the situation, but I did stop drinking except for a glass of wine with dinner every once in awhile. I am to the point now that I don't drink nearly ever and to the extent that a half of a drink will get me a little tipsy. My point is a lot of bipolar people and anxiety ridden people will self medicate and submit to awful relationships. When this happens you have to get out of the relationship because it will affect how well you deal with your disorder, and because it will cause you to self medicate more, and this can lead to dependency.
I had to come to the point in my life that I felt I was smothered, I didn't know who I was, and I didn't have the ability to cope to realize what I was doing to myself was wrong. I had neglected my intelligence and went back to college, I would stop a relationship that didn't make me happy or matter to me and I found the love of my life. Finding someone that can help you cope and can support you through your episodes is someone you want to be with. If being in a relationship is not something you want, which I did feel that way around 20 and 21, then that is fine too but you have to learn to deal with yourself. Actually even when you are in a relationship you have to learn to deal with yourself, support yourself, and instead of making yourself feel helpless or lost you need to find ways to make you feel better and encouraged.
Finding ways to deal with mental illness can be very tricky because there are times where it gets so out of hand you have no idea who you are. That usually means you are off your meds lol. Usually when I am on my meds I know when I am going overboard, or I can recognize something that has started to make me angry shouldn't be. Not everyone needs meds, some are very capable at dealing with their mental illness but for severe cases like mine it is damn near impossible. I cannot ever control the panic attacks or when they come, and I have a very difficult time bringing myself down to earth when I have surpassed the rage mode or manic depression level. The anxiety will stress you the hell out and can affect your entire day which is why I usually suggest some sort of medicine whether it be a modern medicine or an herbal supplement like valerian root (which smells like farts and you usually need two at least to combat a panic attack), these will calm you so that you don't lose focus all day. I know that when I start to panic all I focus on all day is how I was panicking, what if the panic attack comes back, and so forth. I have accepted this as part of my being and embarrassed it by letting people know that I get these attacks and sometimes I need support because they overwhelm me. Communication goes a long way. So don't be scared to admit your issues, and don't be scared to ask for help, tell your professor I need an extention I am having some issues mentally (they usually do make exceptions for you), and tell your family so that they can understand and help. This also allows them to realize why sometimes you may act out or seem overboard but by knowing what's going on they will realize you aren't trying to burn bridges.
I have come to realize who I am. I am a beautiful young woman (I used to see myself as a complete wreck of a person), I am an intelligent being (I had times were I thought I was just so dumb because I couldn't control myself and didn't know why), I have a very amazing mind that does have a compulsion but one that makes me want to learn things fully and thoroughly and if I don't read all the information I want I feel like I can't focus, I am stronger than I think (I always felt weak because of my mental illness but really it is just a part of me that I can make use of rather than look at it negatively), I love wisdom, ethics, helping the needy (which helps with my deep depressions), giving love to others because it makes all parties feel nice, I am very empathetic towards animals to the point where I will cry if I see one being harmed, I am a person that loves music as a form of therapy, I am a person that is so passionate that I get very involved in my projects, and I am not a push over. Now maybe this all sounds narcissistic but it is a coping mechanism to see the positives in yourself, and describing who you are. I know I want to help others, I want to defend those that are left behind, and those that are stigmatized (mentally ill, certain races so on). These things give me perspective on what I want to do. By having this perspective I can the courage to not just impulsively stop because things get overwhelming, which I used to do frequently. You have to come to realize that you are smart, and amazing, and special. That your mind is different but that doesn't mean it has hindered you. By having encouraging goals and thought about who YOU are teaches you ways to deal with life while being mentally ill. And here you can find support from me and maybe some good advice.
I know this was another long one so if you made it down to this point thank you. I hope this helped you in viewing life through a different perspective. Please feel free to leave comments or ask for advice or whatever.
Thanks
Lea Silva
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