I have not wrote a blog post in awhile. I don't really know why, perhaps because I have been happier or maybe I just didn't feel like telling the world how I was doing. I met someone wonderful and amazing who keeps my spirits up (for the most part, but that isn't his fault). I fell in love with him and I feel so safe with him. I have told him things I hadn't even told my ex husband or really anyone for that matter. Matters that only my family really knew. It is nice feeling like someone is there with you and has your back; someone that says I love you back and his words actually sound like they mean it.
However, even though I feel happy I still have this internal struggle. I don't think anyone really gets it unless they are mentally ill, or have had a serious trauma. How could they? I don't know what it is like to be shot because I have never been shot so I cannot expect people to understand my brain or emotions. I have had this thought on my mind about how I had wrote this one blog post denouncing the love I had for my ex husband, it was just to make him angry and once I knew he saw it I erased it. Who does that? I guess that shows how hurt I was that I felt the need to hurt him back. I don't know why I thought about that but I did. Maybe because I still feel hurt. I don't have to be still into him for it to still hurt. I think what hurts more is I keep thinking about the pregnancies I lost. Like to a point where it feels like I am in those moments all over again. And why won't it stop? It doesn't make any sense for me to keep thinking about that for no reason. Maybe I fear I will never have any children and it's because I see my lovely little sister going through her own pregnancy, which is wonderful and I am over the moon that it is going so well for her. Either way it is still stuck in my head. I feel the lump in my throat when I think about it. The seize in my head from the pain it causes me. I don't want to end up that woman without kids even though that's what she wanted since she was a young girl. I am not in any rush. I have a lot of schooling ahead of me and I am in no position to have a child right now anyway, but I'm not ready. However, that nagging feeling is still always back there taunting me. Never leaving me alone and I have no idea how to make it stop. I don't like being so emotional and not wanting to talk about it with anyone. No one can make it better, and nothing but time can tell me if it will ever even be possible. It's such a sickening thought. What I think is even worse is when I think of what would have happened if those pregnancies went to term? Would my ex have kept liking me, would I have even kept liking him? Probably not.
So what do you do? What do you do when something tragic won't leave your brain no matter how much you try and distract yourself? It just gnaws at you. If it's not bad enough already being overly emotional, even on meds, then you have that fighting inside your brain. It's deafening. Not to mention the stress that I feel I am under. I have to ace my finals and I have to ace the GRE which I don't feel ready for but have to take Dec. 30th. Hoping to get into a prestigious part of CSU that is very competitive. How do you get it together? Well I don't think that ever actually happens. You are always in this state where things can go better, or you could be doing something better or you could be blah blah. Is this what life is? Just some constant waiting game that is always ongoing and once one thing is achieved a million other things still need to be. Never feeling ready for a lot of things or maybe just not motivated to. I always tell myself I will get the things most important to me done but that doesn't always happen.
I try to tell myself that I am stronger when I am not. I try to convince myself that the constant nagging in my head will one day stop, even though it probably never will until I'm jumping out of a plane to my death. I guess that's the 'beauty' in life. Never knowing what will happen; never being ready; never understanding fully; never having no cares at all; being afraid of a thousand things. Without it life wouldn't be interesting. Without making mistakes living would be boring. Without loss you may not learn to truly love. Without loss you may not ever find out the things that you may really enjoy. Without trying or letting yourself experience things, huge or tiny, you won't ever know if you truly wanted it or didn't want it. How could you if you never take the steps towards those terrifying things.
Life isn't really bad. What happens can be bad but your life isn't out to get you. Chance is. I will never be able to stop it. I will never understand why awful things happen to me or why wonderful things happen. But being afraid is okay as long as it doesn't stop my life.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Alone in a world full of people
As of late I have been extremely manic depressive. It is taking a toll on me emotionally. It drains me. I lay in dark clouds all day that storm upon me in a way that it feels it will never stop. Although it really won't ever go away in a sense. I will always get episodes that drag me deep into the caves of sadness and anger. I have to be honest- while I am in this state I think about my ex husband. How good we were for the first year and a half. I wonder where that went and why it dissolved. Of course I have my notions of why it did and sometimes I dwell on that. I sometimes just have these memories of hint telling me he didn't like me anymore for no apparent reason, or him getting so angry at me, or him just not wanting me anymore. It still hurts. I think of how happy I was on our wedding day and how it means nothing anymore. I loved him and I meant every vow I made and now I feel more cynical about relationships because it doesn't matter how much you love someone or how hard you try to make things better, how many times you ask for more intimacy outside of the bedroom, or that you made vows of love and the other has felt that they only meant theirs when they liked me. I don't understand it. Maybe people will tell I just need to get over it but it's a loss. When someone is gone from your life either by dying or by leaving you grieve. When I am manic depressive the grief comes on strong. But not just because of what happened between me and him.
Sometimes the notion that I will never find someone who will love me whole heartedly, who will care about me and my feelings from the beginning of our relationship, who wants to be around me and finds me to be beautiful in all aspects, someone who will come running to my house when I am trapped inside my dark storm, and who will always appreciate the efforts I put into showing my care, my interest, my kindness for them. The notion that I won't ever find something like that at all devours my heart. I have always been someone who gives love to people. (NO that doesn't mean me showing I am in love with someone). More like I am open with my heart and my kindness. I love to give love to others. I love being in love when I am with someone who brings those feelings to me. I give love to my friends, my family, and even strangers who I show love to by helping when I don't have to. I have felt wonderful love in return. I have been in love a couple times and it is devastating when that love gets lost but I know the heart ache will eventually go away. I let myself give love, and love because it is a comfort that makes many people feel good. I don't need to meet a Mr. Perfect, nor do I need a relationship right now but I fear to a fiery extent that I may never find that person. I do not want to end up alone with no kids and no one loving me truly. I have no doubt my ex loved as truly as I loved him but it vanished. I can't tell you where it went or to whom it went but it was lost.
Mayhaps I will never find a person who cares as much as I do when I am into someone. Could be I never find someone who wants to love with open arms. The world is full of people; my world is full of family and friends that give love to me as well. Yet I feel I am alone in the world. It is hard to put that into perspective for those who don't feel as I do because of my illness. It is different from what the average person feels. Manic depression is nothing to play with. These times are deeply disturbing to me. I am extremely sensitive normally but in these episodes I am even more fragile. When I feel used, or as if someone isn't looking at me with sincere interest I am deeply disturbed and this brings me full circle to my landless in this world. Friends can make me feel this way as well because some people only care about themselves. They make a short attempt to ask you how you are doing and when you tell them I am just awful they shortly ask why yet then don't care to help me through but move on to their own simple issues or repetitive banter about whoa is me. Now when someone is having serious issues, they are severely depressed I do not bring up my small miniscule problems because I care about that person enough to listen, do my best to help, and show genuine concern for how that person is feeling. When a friends doesn't return that it is clear to me that I do not mean as much to them as them to me.
So even if I don't find a healthy relationship in the future I fear I won't always find the genuine friends when I need them most. I have been crying a lot, have been distraught, and have been restless because my mind won't stop but the only people to notice or care to find out how I am doing are my mom, sister, and my friend Chuck. My mom and sister talk to me everyday and I know my mom will do anything to bring me up even if it is just to leave me be while I dive into a book. Chuck texts me everyday with no avail because he knows that I not only have physical issues but mental ones too and he wants to make sure I don't get too far deep into the dark hole. I know if I needed him to comfort me he would come straight over. That's really meaningful to me. He has a wife and kids yet still cares enough to be that kind. I show these people the same respect and love because they mean so much to me. I appreciate them so dearly and what they do to help me. There are others who just seem not to really care. A person I care for does not show me the same kindness and it hurts. It hurts to know that there are only a couple people who are interested in truly knowing how I am and who are willing to come to my aid when I am really to dangerously close to the edge. I keep my distance usually from those that do not have due interest in me and I do in them because I feel used, passively used.
I know my older sister has a lot on her plate but I know she would also come to my side if I needed her. I know that about a couple people. They wouldn't come to my aid and then start dribbling about some meager thing because they know that at that moment I need them to care, and they know in return I would do the same for them. I like when people show appreciation for kindness and love.
But even with those handful of people I still feel lost in this world, in this universe, in my own head. I feel so very much alone at times. It doesn't matter if my mom, aunt, sisters or whomever is there I fear my downfall episodes. I am nonexistent in this world filled with so many people. I am lost in a swarm of Americans who feel so entitled that they forget to help others or to not be so rude and unkindly. I live in a place where my mental illness is sometimes seen as fake, or a joke, or something one can just get over. I live in a place where I may never find someone who get's it, or wants to get it, or who is concerned enough to come comfort me. To others my mental illness and my physical ailments may be some kind of turn off but I believe that is unfair. I just wish that one day I can find something that is a beautiful relationship that blossoms like lilies in the sun. Where I feel safe and understood and cared for. Where there is appreciation, affection, want, desire, and a love for who I am and what I give to that person. I can no longer let myself deal with someone who neglects me on an emotional level, or on a physical level (not just sex but true intimacy shown through touch and closeness outside the bedroom). I am low on trust lately because I don't believe I can trust someone who could be something different under their shell. I don't know if this will eventually lift but I feel it now. I need someone willing to want me, willing to accept that I want to talk with them on a daily basis when I am interested and who return that feeling, someone that truly looks at me in a light where I am a gem to behold in more ways than outside beauty. I return this when I am interested.
However, this darkness looming above me, through me, has caught me in a struggle. I am lost and scarred. I am frightened by the prospect that no one will give me genuine care, kindness and love that will last beyond a few years. I have been burnt by cheaters who were apparently exclusive who said they loved me. I never want to feel that devastation again because here I sit crying just thinking about how badly the dagger in my back feels. How lonely it is to be lost in your mind wondering where things went wrong or if I have done something wrong. I have a nice life. I have a loving family, and loving friends. I do well at school, and have enjoyment from learning. I am not going hungry, and I have shelter, food, and water. I have help. I have free medical care and meds for my mental and physical ailments. But that doesn't stop my bipolar brain from sinking so low it reaches the center of the earth. I am so alone that sometimes I sleep on the couch to feel as if I have something comforting me because my bed feels so empty. Empty in a way like no one understands but the blame is more on me because I hide my sorrow, grief, anger, loneliness behind fake smiles. I lay all day on a couch reading. I have to thank the authors of my favorite books because they take me into another world. A world where my doom does not exist. My sorrow does not exist in the tales of old times. My manic, mania, manic depression is hidden behind words upon paper while my mind envisions a whole new world where while I create a bond with the characters my depression is not there to find. My world does not seem that wonderful at times because my brain is disposed to making me feel like I am but little to nothing. I wish it was easy to return from these gloomy places or to be able to say I am stronger than my mental illness but being bipolar I cannot always control these episodes. I haven't been sleeping much at night but during the day I feel my eyes growing heavy and my heart crying. I fell the lack of motivation for my life sometimes but I can at least overcome that and force myself to do what I need to do. I feel the sorrow that I have no one to come over and just hold me without any expectation for sex because they just want to make sure I am okay. I miss that. I miss knowing that I have someone to call upon to just come hold me tight without a need to say anything and who doesn't care if I just cry into their chest because I can't shake the dread that is my dark clouds. That is why I love to read. In those tales I can be the character who has that. I can forget for hours that I don't have that companion in my life. Of course my sisters or my mother or even my friend would hold me but it isn't quite the same because sometimes you just want to be held intimately or cuddled up with someone who feels deeply for you and your ache. I am alone in a world full of people. I do not exist beyond my small world to anyone. How could I. I don't know how many people walk by me and don't notice a tear washing down my face, or who don't even acknowledge I am alive. But not all people are like me. I look at the people around me, and when I see some stranger upset I ask how they are or why they are upset with sincere compassion not just to ask.
I don't need a relationship right now. I am not writing this for that purpose. I am writing this because my depression has made me feel that no one would want me because I am this. I am a bit broken, a bit out there, a nerdy mentally ill woman who desires compassion, passion, desire, love, respect, kindness, magnanimity and curiousness. Who will ever understand my curiously of death while not thinking of me as some poor depressed pathetic person. I am someone who is intelligent, creative, dutiful, kind, and so on. Yet I feel that my fake smiles will go on for eternity. I do not want anyone to feel pity for me. I do not want people thinking I am writing this because I feel badly for myself like the whoa is me person. I am writing this for me to even see what my mind and heart are feeling, and to hopefully find out or show someone else that maybe we aren't alone in a world of people.
Whose hand will grasp mine with care? Whose will hold me with genuine affection? Who will comfort me one day when I am low like this? These things I don't know and I am scarred I will never find out. Perhaps I should get used to holding myself tight, wrapped in books and blankets, contemplating why loneliness can hurt as much as a dagger in the back. I may need my fake smiles for eternity until I no longer need to wonder about death because it comes upon me when I am sleeping, or driving, or who knows what. I will not be scared of something I don't know... death... because my curiosity of it tells me it won't matter if there is nothing or something afterwards because either way it has to be better than falling into these episodes of the deepest hurt or the highest high that creates a crazy wild streak that I hate.
Sorry for the novel I am sure most people won't care enough to even read to this point which proves my loneliness in a world of people.
Lea
Sometimes the notion that I will never find someone who will love me whole heartedly, who will care about me and my feelings from the beginning of our relationship, who wants to be around me and finds me to be beautiful in all aspects, someone who will come running to my house when I am trapped inside my dark storm, and who will always appreciate the efforts I put into showing my care, my interest, my kindness for them. The notion that I won't ever find something like that at all devours my heart. I have always been someone who gives love to people. (NO that doesn't mean me showing I am in love with someone). More like I am open with my heart and my kindness. I love to give love to others. I love being in love when I am with someone who brings those feelings to me. I give love to my friends, my family, and even strangers who I show love to by helping when I don't have to. I have felt wonderful love in return. I have been in love a couple times and it is devastating when that love gets lost but I know the heart ache will eventually go away. I let myself give love, and love because it is a comfort that makes many people feel good. I don't need to meet a Mr. Perfect, nor do I need a relationship right now but I fear to a fiery extent that I may never find that person. I do not want to end up alone with no kids and no one loving me truly. I have no doubt my ex loved as truly as I loved him but it vanished. I can't tell you where it went or to whom it went but it was lost.
Mayhaps I will never find a person who cares as much as I do when I am into someone. Could be I never find someone who wants to love with open arms. The world is full of people; my world is full of family and friends that give love to me as well. Yet I feel I am alone in the world. It is hard to put that into perspective for those who don't feel as I do because of my illness. It is different from what the average person feels. Manic depression is nothing to play with. These times are deeply disturbing to me. I am extremely sensitive normally but in these episodes I am even more fragile. When I feel used, or as if someone isn't looking at me with sincere interest I am deeply disturbed and this brings me full circle to my landless in this world. Friends can make me feel this way as well because some people only care about themselves. They make a short attempt to ask you how you are doing and when you tell them I am just awful they shortly ask why yet then don't care to help me through but move on to their own simple issues or repetitive banter about whoa is me. Now when someone is having serious issues, they are severely depressed I do not bring up my small miniscule problems because I care about that person enough to listen, do my best to help, and show genuine concern for how that person is feeling. When a friends doesn't return that it is clear to me that I do not mean as much to them as them to me.
So even if I don't find a healthy relationship in the future I fear I won't always find the genuine friends when I need them most. I have been crying a lot, have been distraught, and have been restless because my mind won't stop but the only people to notice or care to find out how I am doing are my mom, sister, and my friend Chuck. My mom and sister talk to me everyday and I know my mom will do anything to bring me up even if it is just to leave me be while I dive into a book. Chuck texts me everyday with no avail because he knows that I not only have physical issues but mental ones too and he wants to make sure I don't get too far deep into the dark hole. I know if I needed him to comfort me he would come straight over. That's really meaningful to me. He has a wife and kids yet still cares enough to be that kind. I show these people the same respect and love because they mean so much to me. I appreciate them so dearly and what they do to help me. There are others who just seem not to really care. A person I care for does not show me the same kindness and it hurts. It hurts to know that there are only a couple people who are interested in truly knowing how I am and who are willing to come to my aid when I am really to dangerously close to the edge. I keep my distance usually from those that do not have due interest in me and I do in them because I feel used, passively used.
I know my older sister has a lot on her plate but I know she would also come to my side if I needed her. I know that about a couple people. They wouldn't come to my aid and then start dribbling about some meager thing because they know that at that moment I need them to care, and they know in return I would do the same for them. I like when people show appreciation for kindness and love.
But even with those handful of people I still feel lost in this world, in this universe, in my own head. I feel so very much alone at times. It doesn't matter if my mom, aunt, sisters or whomever is there I fear my downfall episodes. I am nonexistent in this world filled with so many people. I am lost in a swarm of Americans who feel so entitled that they forget to help others or to not be so rude and unkindly. I live in a place where my mental illness is sometimes seen as fake, or a joke, or something one can just get over. I live in a place where I may never find someone who get's it, or wants to get it, or who is concerned enough to come comfort me. To others my mental illness and my physical ailments may be some kind of turn off but I believe that is unfair. I just wish that one day I can find something that is a beautiful relationship that blossoms like lilies in the sun. Where I feel safe and understood and cared for. Where there is appreciation, affection, want, desire, and a love for who I am and what I give to that person. I can no longer let myself deal with someone who neglects me on an emotional level, or on a physical level (not just sex but true intimacy shown through touch and closeness outside the bedroom). I am low on trust lately because I don't believe I can trust someone who could be something different under their shell. I don't know if this will eventually lift but I feel it now. I need someone willing to want me, willing to accept that I want to talk with them on a daily basis when I am interested and who return that feeling, someone that truly looks at me in a light where I am a gem to behold in more ways than outside beauty. I return this when I am interested.
However, this darkness looming above me, through me, has caught me in a struggle. I am lost and scarred. I am frightened by the prospect that no one will give me genuine care, kindness and love that will last beyond a few years. I have been burnt by cheaters who were apparently exclusive who said they loved me. I never want to feel that devastation again because here I sit crying just thinking about how badly the dagger in my back feels. How lonely it is to be lost in your mind wondering where things went wrong or if I have done something wrong. I have a nice life. I have a loving family, and loving friends. I do well at school, and have enjoyment from learning. I am not going hungry, and I have shelter, food, and water. I have help. I have free medical care and meds for my mental and physical ailments. But that doesn't stop my bipolar brain from sinking so low it reaches the center of the earth. I am so alone that sometimes I sleep on the couch to feel as if I have something comforting me because my bed feels so empty. Empty in a way like no one understands but the blame is more on me because I hide my sorrow, grief, anger, loneliness behind fake smiles. I lay all day on a couch reading. I have to thank the authors of my favorite books because they take me into another world. A world where my doom does not exist. My sorrow does not exist in the tales of old times. My manic, mania, manic depression is hidden behind words upon paper while my mind envisions a whole new world where while I create a bond with the characters my depression is not there to find. My world does not seem that wonderful at times because my brain is disposed to making me feel like I am but little to nothing. I wish it was easy to return from these gloomy places or to be able to say I am stronger than my mental illness but being bipolar I cannot always control these episodes. I haven't been sleeping much at night but during the day I feel my eyes growing heavy and my heart crying. I fell the lack of motivation for my life sometimes but I can at least overcome that and force myself to do what I need to do. I feel the sorrow that I have no one to come over and just hold me without any expectation for sex because they just want to make sure I am okay. I miss that. I miss knowing that I have someone to call upon to just come hold me tight without a need to say anything and who doesn't care if I just cry into their chest because I can't shake the dread that is my dark clouds. That is why I love to read. In those tales I can be the character who has that. I can forget for hours that I don't have that companion in my life. Of course my sisters or my mother or even my friend would hold me but it isn't quite the same because sometimes you just want to be held intimately or cuddled up with someone who feels deeply for you and your ache. I am alone in a world full of people. I do not exist beyond my small world to anyone. How could I. I don't know how many people walk by me and don't notice a tear washing down my face, or who don't even acknowledge I am alive. But not all people are like me. I look at the people around me, and when I see some stranger upset I ask how they are or why they are upset with sincere compassion not just to ask.
I don't need a relationship right now. I am not writing this for that purpose. I am writing this because my depression has made me feel that no one would want me because I am this. I am a bit broken, a bit out there, a nerdy mentally ill woman who desires compassion, passion, desire, love, respect, kindness, magnanimity and curiousness. Who will ever understand my curiously of death while not thinking of me as some poor depressed pathetic person. I am someone who is intelligent, creative, dutiful, kind, and so on. Yet I feel that my fake smiles will go on for eternity. I do not want anyone to feel pity for me. I do not want people thinking I am writing this because I feel badly for myself like the whoa is me person. I am writing this for me to even see what my mind and heart are feeling, and to hopefully find out or show someone else that maybe we aren't alone in a world of people.
Whose hand will grasp mine with care? Whose will hold me with genuine affection? Who will comfort me one day when I am low like this? These things I don't know and I am scarred I will never find out. Perhaps I should get used to holding myself tight, wrapped in books and blankets, contemplating why loneliness can hurt as much as a dagger in the back. I may need my fake smiles for eternity until I no longer need to wonder about death because it comes upon me when I am sleeping, or driving, or who knows what. I will not be scared of something I don't know... death... because my curiosity of it tells me it won't matter if there is nothing or something afterwards because either way it has to be better than falling into these episodes of the deepest hurt or the highest high that creates a crazy wild streak that I hate.
Sorry for the novel I am sure most people won't care enough to even read to this point which proves my loneliness in a world of people.
Lea
Friday, July 25, 2014
The Good Days
I haven't written down any feelings lately because I have been quite stable which is a wonderful thing. Now in the last several months I have gone through a lot, been betrayed a lot, gone through a surgery, and have become somewhat stable. It's a beautiful thing to be able to say that but I cannot lie and say everyday is a good day. I still have days where I contemplate why things happened the way they did, and I can become pretty depressed but my moods can change quickly given the right environment. When I am alone sometimes I become more maniac because I have too much time on my hands and I suddenly start analyzing things way too much. When that happens my mood goes down and sometimes it lasts a day or few. I become irritable or overly sensitive and sometimes slip into that dreaded mixed state.
Those are probably the worst (the manic depressive states). I don't want to do anything yet I cannot sleep at all or sleep very little. A few hours a night for several nights and that is awfully exhausting so then I get awfully irritable. Things that normally wouldn't bother me all the sudden become highly annoying or aggravating for no particular reason or the way people decide to talk to me really irks me. I don't like when men all the sudden believe they have this right to just ask me very personal questions, or say really sexual things to me or tell me what they would like to do with me. Like I am not dating you, I'm not interested nor have I even slightly insinuated that I am so stop doing that. It's disgusting and crude and disrespectful. I don't understand why people even do that! I have made no attempt to contact you or talk to you in that way and then all the sudden you feel the need to just blast me with these dirty texts or messages like come on. That's a definite NO in my book.
Now it doesn't matter if I am manic or not I don't like being talked to that way. I am a lady and like to be treated as such so unless I have a relationship with someone on some level then I don't want to hear that stuff because we will automatically become not friends. That stuff usually sends me into a little fit of anger though. When I am more stable I take it in better stride but that is just how my little world works. I get completely sensitive in a way that is not stable. Certain things can be said when I am not going through an episode and I won't be upset but when I am in an episode it becomes something that really hurts or upsets me. That can be horrible and unnerving. No one likes to feel that way. The worst part I think is when you become upset and the other person cannot understand why at all. You can tell someone all you want that you're bipolar, and even explain what that means, yet they still won't understand. I think I dislike more when someone thinks you are making a big deal out of being bipolar when HELLO it's a huge part of my life, of course it's a big deal. I mean I don't go around just blabbing about being bipolar but yes I will talk about it and other mental illnesses.
A guy once told me how I shouldn't write this blog and overreact when I am manic! What is that supposed to even mean? I am manic then I am overly emotional on some level! My blog, or your blog, is no ones business in respects of them telling me or you that it shouldn't be written. I'm not sorry you are not comfortable with it, or with yourself being bipolar or mentally ill, or believe it will be held against you (like you'd want to work at a job that stigmatizes you anyway). I'm not sorry about being open when I am manic, in mania or manic depressive. I will always be open because it would be highly dangerous for me not to be open about it. I have been there and it's not pretty. It's miserable. I am alone, and secluded in my brain which makes me more curious about things like dying. That is not okay. If someone can't accept me as a whole, cannot accept that I embrace who I am as a woman and a bipolar person then I don't want to be associated with you. It's that simple. There are so many people that don't have the courage to speak out and suffer horribly silently. I don't believe that is okay. The stigma can land people in horrible places. Many homeless people are mentally ill, cannot afford mental health care, meds etc. and it leaves them in an awful position being judged and on drugs or alcohol. I mean I used to use alcohol and that was not okay.
If everyone spoke up and explained to as many people as possible that would listen what it means to be mentally ill, what kind of care mentally ill people need, and what meds they do or don't need I feel there would be less stigma because it would be better understood. I believe people wouldn't ask me "Is bipolar disorder actual real?", "Isn't everyone a little bipolar?" so on because they would know. Maybe something should be taught about mental illness in high school but that's a dream that wouldn't come true in most cases. It takes a lot to keep me stable so I can only imagine what it is like for others, especially those without insurance (I've been there and it was rough). So while I enjoy being stable, I also know that I have to embrace myself and let people in when I am going through an episode because it helps me tremendously. But I have a lot of people around me that get it. Or get me. I hope one day more people have that too.
Lea
Those are probably the worst (the manic depressive states). I don't want to do anything yet I cannot sleep at all or sleep very little. A few hours a night for several nights and that is awfully exhausting so then I get awfully irritable. Things that normally wouldn't bother me all the sudden become highly annoying or aggravating for no particular reason or the way people decide to talk to me really irks me. I don't like when men all the sudden believe they have this right to just ask me very personal questions, or say really sexual things to me or tell me what they would like to do with me. Like I am not dating you, I'm not interested nor have I even slightly insinuated that I am so stop doing that. It's disgusting and crude and disrespectful. I don't understand why people even do that! I have made no attempt to contact you or talk to you in that way and then all the sudden you feel the need to just blast me with these dirty texts or messages like come on. That's a definite NO in my book.
Now it doesn't matter if I am manic or not I don't like being talked to that way. I am a lady and like to be treated as such so unless I have a relationship with someone on some level then I don't want to hear that stuff because we will automatically become not friends. That stuff usually sends me into a little fit of anger though. When I am more stable I take it in better stride but that is just how my little world works. I get completely sensitive in a way that is not stable. Certain things can be said when I am not going through an episode and I won't be upset but when I am in an episode it becomes something that really hurts or upsets me. That can be horrible and unnerving. No one likes to feel that way. The worst part I think is when you become upset and the other person cannot understand why at all. You can tell someone all you want that you're bipolar, and even explain what that means, yet they still won't understand. I think I dislike more when someone thinks you are making a big deal out of being bipolar when HELLO it's a huge part of my life, of course it's a big deal. I mean I don't go around just blabbing about being bipolar but yes I will talk about it and other mental illnesses.
A guy once told me how I shouldn't write this blog and overreact when I am manic! What is that supposed to even mean? I am manic then I am overly emotional on some level! My blog, or your blog, is no ones business in respects of them telling me or you that it shouldn't be written. I'm not sorry you are not comfortable with it, or with yourself being bipolar or mentally ill, or believe it will be held against you (like you'd want to work at a job that stigmatizes you anyway). I'm not sorry about being open when I am manic, in mania or manic depressive. I will always be open because it would be highly dangerous for me not to be open about it. I have been there and it's not pretty. It's miserable. I am alone, and secluded in my brain which makes me more curious about things like dying. That is not okay. If someone can't accept me as a whole, cannot accept that I embrace who I am as a woman and a bipolar person then I don't want to be associated with you. It's that simple. There are so many people that don't have the courage to speak out and suffer horribly silently. I don't believe that is okay. The stigma can land people in horrible places. Many homeless people are mentally ill, cannot afford mental health care, meds etc. and it leaves them in an awful position being judged and on drugs or alcohol. I mean I used to use alcohol and that was not okay.
If everyone spoke up and explained to as many people as possible that would listen what it means to be mentally ill, what kind of care mentally ill people need, and what meds they do or don't need I feel there would be less stigma because it would be better understood. I believe people wouldn't ask me "Is bipolar disorder actual real?", "Isn't everyone a little bipolar?" so on because they would know. Maybe something should be taught about mental illness in high school but that's a dream that wouldn't come true in most cases. It takes a lot to keep me stable so I can only imagine what it is like for others, especially those without insurance (I've been there and it was rough). So while I enjoy being stable, I also know that I have to embrace myself and let people in when I am going through an episode because it helps me tremendously. But I have a lot of people around me that get it. Or get me. I hope one day more people have that too.
Lea
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Letting your vulnerability get in your way
It seems that every time I turn around someone is making me feel taken advantage of. I feel like I won't be able to trust someone for a long time (relationship wise). We all make mistakes that is true but sometimes when you have made the mistake a couple times you feel kind of stupid. You think someone actually cares, actually loves you, and then you realize that that's not really the reality of the situation. When those kinds of things happen and you feel like you've been duped or stabbed in the back you start to look at yourself. You wonder "What have I really done wrong?" or you wonder "Why do I let these kinds of things keep happening to me?". I feel that whenever I am vulnerable I let someone in and then it's just another mistake, my heart gets torn down and my trust violated. Quite honestly I feel abused. Not in a physical way but more emotionally. People I think I can trust turn out to be dishonest, or not trustworthy. They aren't loyal or genuine. Part of me feels that over the last few months my thinking processes have been fogged because of the bipolar and because of how unstable I was. Being open and sensitive left me vulnerable and I made a big mistake in thinking that the one person I thought would be most genuine wouldn't hurt me but he did. It just sucks. You bring me up but then squash me right back down and frankly I feel very used.
I know I am emotional but I don't ask much of the people I trust and care for. For instance, I ask that you don't betray my trust, stay loyal to our relationship whether it me a filial one, just a friendship, or an intimate relationship. I ask that if I want to chat and your busy to tell me that rather than ignore my call or text because I find that quite rude. I ask that you just respect me and I will respect you and when I am vulnerable or in a manic state or manic depressive state that you be genuine, trustworthy, and kind rather than be a façade of kind and then turn around and hurt me.
I have made these mistakes before where I put my trust in someone I really care for and/or love and I get crapped on. It feels horrible and I am really sick of it. I know I am an emotional person but I also know I am kind, supportive, genuine and trustworthy so when I don't get that in return and just feel I am getting hurt repeatedly over and over again it makes me wonder about myself. It's like I give trust too easily, and while I do think about my decisions it seems I don't always realize I am being manipulated, taken advantage of, or just being told the caring is real and then it seems it isn't at all. I don't appreciate people making assumptions about my past, hold me living my life against me like I wasn't supposed to live, holding my mental illness against me like I can just make it stop, or making me feel like because I have physical/mental issues that that means I am not worthwhile.
I was finally starting to feel good about myself, about my life and how it has turned for the better and then my trust got betrayed yet again. I feel stupid yes, but I also thought I could trust the person and it seems that was wrong. I put myself out there, I am open about who I am and how I feel and I am a very passionate person and that seems to either work wonders for my life or work to make me hurt all over again. It seems as of late I cannot win, I cannot have what I want in life, or I can't just be me and be accepted. But if those people can't accept me, cannot appreciate the person I am, and make up things about me or how I act than I don't want them in my life. I am not really stupid, yes sometimes I make stupid mistakes but I am clearly learning from them. Perhaps slowly but still I am.
You put yourself out there because you care, we all want love and friendship and intimacy, but sometimes those who we think are good for us really aren't. I am pretty stable but I have been swung into a manic episode. Not a full force manic episode but one nonetheless. It makes me want to be alone with my face in a book or simply around my family (which includes my closest friends like my friend Tina). I don't want to make the same mistakes. I don't want to be in a relationship for awhile because I need to work on me. I was just enjoying being happy and then apparently that was too much even though I didn't ask for anything serious. Just like my ex husband who said he couldn't give anymore even though I just asked for love and affection. So I guess before anyone gets too close to me again, in a way that they could easily hurt me, I need to really look at myself and figure out what I truly want. I am in the process of getting over being hurt deeply a few times and it feels like I am grieving for a loss and I am. I don't mind having friends come over, or going out to have a nice time, but I would prefer to have my wall up for awhile and be safely kept to myself.
Relationships aren't easy but sometimes we meet people who just can't be in one. Who can't be an adult or mature in the relationship and it's funny because I know I can overreact sometimes or be overly passionate, or want love so badly from the one I am with, but I as a mature woman respect what a relationship is. It's between two people and its give and take and compromise and understanding but not all people can handle relationships because they are unstable, or aren't emotionally mature, or aren't ready to be committed to being in a relationship that isn't always 50/50, that's not as easy as the movies make it seems, and not ready to deal with the hard things that can happen in life.
Being with me, having time with my family is the best way to keep my episodes to a minimum at this moment. I am taking my meds like I should, venting when I am extremely upset, writing this as a therapy, and realizing who I am and what I want and can't stand. Long term I only know this for when I am ready for a relationship- I want a nerd like me, that knows how a relationship requires attention and love and understanding, who can be a book worm with me, and me on my level intelligence wise and academically (that's not supposed to be an insult to anyone I just want my mind enriched). But until I am actually ready to bring my guard down I am completely okay with making sure I can make myself stable and keeping it that way while I am vulnerable from the loss I have had and the betrayal I have felt.
Never think you need someone else to make you feel whole. If you feel that way than mentally you aren't prepared for a committed relationship or even one that isn't as serious. Don't let yourself be manipulated or taken advantage of while you are feeling vulnerable. Just work on making yourself happy and understanding yourself first.
Thanks for reading my rant.
Lea
I know I am emotional but I don't ask much of the people I trust and care for. For instance, I ask that you don't betray my trust, stay loyal to our relationship whether it me a filial one, just a friendship, or an intimate relationship. I ask that if I want to chat and your busy to tell me that rather than ignore my call or text because I find that quite rude. I ask that you just respect me and I will respect you and when I am vulnerable or in a manic state or manic depressive state that you be genuine, trustworthy, and kind rather than be a façade of kind and then turn around and hurt me.
I have made these mistakes before where I put my trust in someone I really care for and/or love and I get crapped on. It feels horrible and I am really sick of it. I know I am an emotional person but I also know I am kind, supportive, genuine and trustworthy so when I don't get that in return and just feel I am getting hurt repeatedly over and over again it makes me wonder about myself. It's like I give trust too easily, and while I do think about my decisions it seems I don't always realize I am being manipulated, taken advantage of, or just being told the caring is real and then it seems it isn't at all. I don't appreciate people making assumptions about my past, hold me living my life against me like I wasn't supposed to live, holding my mental illness against me like I can just make it stop, or making me feel like because I have physical/mental issues that that means I am not worthwhile.
I was finally starting to feel good about myself, about my life and how it has turned for the better and then my trust got betrayed yet again. I feel stupid yes, but I also thought I could trust the person and it seems that was wrong. I put myself out there, I am open about who I am and how I feel and I am a very passionate person and that seems to either work wonders for my life or work to make me hurt all over again. It seems as of late I cannot win, I cannot have what I want in life, or I can't just be me and be accepted. But if those people can't accept me, cannot appreciate the person I am, and make up things about me or how I act than I don't want them in my life. I am not really stupid, yes sometimes I make stupid mistakes but I am clearly learning from them. Perhaps slowly but still I am.
You put yourself out there because you care, we all want love and friendship and intimacy, but sometimes those who we think are good for us really aren't. I am pretty stable but I have been swung into a manic episode. Not a full force manic episode but one nonetheless. It makes me want to be alone with my face in a book or simply around my family (which includes my closest friends like my friend Tina). I don't want to make the same mistakes. I don't want to be in a relationship for awhile because I need to work on me. I was just enjoying being happy and then apparently that was too much even though I didn't ask for anything serious. Just like my ex husband who said he couldn't give anymore even though I just asked for love and affection. So I guess before anyone gets too close to me again, in a way that they could easily hurt me, I need to really look at myself and figure out what I truly want. I am in the process of getting over being hurt deeply a few times and it feels like I am grieving for a loss and I am. I don't mind having friends come over, or going out to have a nice time, but I would prefer to have my wall up for awhile and be safely kept to myself.
Relationships aren't easy but sometimes we meet people who just can't be in one. Who can't be an adult or mature in the relationship and it's funny because I know I can overreact sometimes or be overly passionate, or want love so badly from the one I am with, but I as a mature woman respect what a relationship is. It's between two people and its give and take and compromise and understanding but not all people can handle relationships because they are unstable, or aren't emotionally mature, or aren't ready to be committed to being in a relationship that isn't always 50/50, that's not as easy as the movies make it seems, and not ready to deal with the hard things that can happen in life.
Being with me, having time with my family is the best way to keep my episodes to a minimum at this moment. I am taking my meds like I should, venting when I am extremely upset, writing this as a therapy, and realizing who I am and what I want and can't stand. Long term I only know this for when I am ready for a relationship- I want a nerd like me, that knows how a relationship requires attention and love and understanding, who can be a book worm with me, and me on my level intelligence wise and academically (that's not supposed to be an insult to anyone I just want my mind enriched). But until I am actually ready to bring my guard down I am completely okay with making sure I can make myself stable and keeping it that way while I am vulnerable from the loss I have had and the betrayal I have felt.
Never think you need someone else to make you feel whole. If you feel that way than mentally you aren't prepared for a committed relationship or even one that isn't as serious. Don't let yourself be manipulated or taken advantage of while you are feeling vulnerable. Just work on making yourself happy and understanding yourself first.
Thanks for reading my rant.
Lea
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
A stinger of disike, but a lot of love to make up for it.
Yesterday was the day of my final hearing for divorce and my marriage was dissolved. While in the courtroom me and my now ex-husband were nice to each other; it's an awkward situation why make hard on yourself by not being nice? Afterwards he wanted to talk to me and I said that was fine. He wanted to get some things of his chest and me off mine. However, I did not expect the words that came out of his mouth.
He said "I just started not liking you", "I disliked you". I asked why?, what have I ever done to make you not like me?, I did everything I could for our marriage because that's what you're supposed to do. I would sit and cry for hours alone in my room because I felt so unhappy because you didn't want anything to do with me and all I ever did was try. He responded with he didn't know why he disliked me. He doesn't dislike me now but he did then. He told me he was purposely pulling away/pushing me away. I felt that this was just so bad because it felt as if he used me for my trip to the Marlboro Ranch. He said of course that that wasn't it he thought that would bring us closer. I don't know that I believe that because my birthday was right after that trip and he didn't care enough to plan anything for it. He bought me a gift and after I got really upset he bought me a card and roses but then when the next day came we got into a huge argument and that's the first time I heard the words "I can't give anymore of myself to you, I have nothing left" spoken to me. I said this stuff to him yesterday. I said you didn't care, you weren't the man I thought you were, last year you did everything to make my birthday go by happily instead of sadly (I hate my birthday because I shared it with my grandma and she passed, and I miss all my dead relatives on that day so I am usually quite upset on my birthday). I also said " You weren't giving anything so how could you not give anymore? I gave everything and all I kept fighting for was love and affection." He replied that he had supported me for a couple of years and couldn't do it anymore. He didn't dislike me because I was bipolar or because I was injured and have a lot of physical issues. But it certainly feels like that. He did used to care and he would help me but he stopped that awhile ago. I even asked about after the second pregnancy why he distanced himself and he said because I was mean about the way he reacted (He shut himself down and I felt like he abandoned me in pain and emotional turn down and all I asked was for him to talk to me and be there). I never restricted him but he felt that I did. He can feel anyway he wants but that doesn't mean that I did that. I never said don't go workout or ride or eat healthy. He even said he has the grey hair to prove how stressful it was and he was 'literally dying from hypertension". I replied that I lost my hair and was left to cry alone. Neglected because he 'didn't like me anymore". But you know what maybe he stopped working out because he felt guilt for 'not liking me anymore' and for the way he was treating me. Maybe that stressed him out because he knew it was wrong and a husband should be there for his wife. Maybe he needs to look internally to see the damage he did to himself. I wish he had been honest and just said he didn't want the relationship before we moved out in December. That would have made life easier. I am not going to talk about the rest of our conversation because that doesn't need to be public. But this part of it really stung.
Now it didn't sting because I am in love with him, it didn't sting because I wanted to keep the marriage because I didn't and don't. It stung because as an honest woman I put all my efforts into that relationship because I had made a commitment. I was not about to turn on my word regardless of if I was very unhappy the last several months of our marriage. I was willing to try because I gave my word. He wasn't. He left the relationship. He went into his own world and then started projecting things onto me (like his silver hair and hypertension). I didn't do those things to him. I may have fought and been emotional because I felt as a wife I was not getting the love or affection I deserved, but I didn't leave the relationship. He told me I had changed, but I explained that I only changed because he was gone and he was not there for me. He wasn't acting like who I thought I knew. That changes a woman because her emotions get all tangled because she doesn't understand what she could have possibly done besides give everything to deserve it.
So what's the point of this blog besides to vent a little?
I don't mean to make him look like a jerk, I am simply putting down what he gave me yesterday. I am not making this post to make myself look good and him bad. I just want people to know that by using a person, neglecting them, or 'leaving the relationship' while still in it, or by not being honest about how you feel you can crush the other person. You can make the other person feel so badly that they break like I did and go into a psychosis. You can hurt them so badly that they become extremely emotional and off the wall. He apologized yesterday and I believe it was sincere and that is all I wanted but I did not leave the conversation okay. I didn't feel closure really. I felt anger. I felt a lot of anger. I felt used for that trip I really do. I feel manipulated like he got me to move and then when we moved he reverted into this person I didn't know and our ship started to sink. I feel like it may have all been on purpose because he felt he would at some point end it. If you don't like who you are with do not torture them. Do not stay in the relationship because you will make them feel worthless, ugly, and perhaps suicidal like I was. Yes I am saying it flat out, there were days were I wondered if I would be better off just gone from the world. I couldn't be happy in my marriage, my husband didn't seem to care about me anymore, and nothing seemed right at all. But something happened when I packed my bags and then he said a divorce was in order. A pressure lifted off of me. I was hurt of course because who thinks that is fun, and who likes being unhappy in a relationship someone made a commitment to be in and then left it while still in it? No one. But a weight lifted. All the sudden I felt I didn't have to walk on eggshells with my mental illness, I didn't have to "not complain" about my body hurting (like saying 'man my hip is killing me everyday" and not wanting to say anything for fear it was 'unattractive' as I felt I was being a bit of a cripple). I no longer had to fight for something that was tearing us both down. Something that made me unhappy and clearly him unhappy. Something that wasn't meant to be. All the sudden I could be free from the stress of trying to save a severely damaged marriage that made me miserable.
Do not let something go on if you are not happy. I am at fault there too because I was super unhappy as months passed and he pushed away but I kept trying. It's all I had so I kept trying. However, if you can't like yourself you can't like who your with, and maybe he started disliking himself so he started disliking me. I have no clue but don't do that to a person you once loved or do love. Just be honest. Don't make them feel used, or manipulated by the actions you take because even if that isn't your intention that's what it feels like. Let them go.
Now the last month and a half I have grown my hair back, lost weight, felt happy and stable like I said in my last blog. But there are several reasons why and now I will be honest and say what they are. I have been elusive about the matter.
First, my family. My mom has been my rock ever since I was a child and she still is. No matter what we go through she is there picking me up or me trying to pick her up. She has made me feel so loved that even just writing this is making me tear up. She has let me cry on her shoulder, talk as much shit as I want or don't want, has listened, and has talked to me and made me feel better. Everyday she gives me a hug and a kiss at least once and tells me she loves me all day long. She takes care of me right now and I don't have the words to thank her properly.
Second, I have my sisters. Lauren I now live with and if you knew her you'd know how funny she can be and how kind and caring she is. She has talked shit with me because that's what you do when you leave a relationship and you're angry lol. She has vowed to help me with my surgery making my life easier and she doesn't have to do that. She has taken me out shopping so we can have fun couponing and it was a great distraction. She always has a story to tell and it brings me up. She too always hugs me or gives me a kiss and we always say I love you to each other. My older sister Tiffany has also been there. She has helped me through the process, took me to the divorce hearing, talked me back up from a collapse in tears, and has supported me. She too always says she loves me. She is also helping me with the surgery and is taking me to it and I know if I need her I can call her and she will be right there if possible. My littlest sister Emily is just adorable. While I haven't seen her too often over the last month and a half she did something so sweet that I will never forget. For doing so well in school and getting her grades up I gave her my old camera that started my love for photography. She loves photography too and is very good at it and she is only 12. When I took it to her she read the letter I gave her before opening the present. She threw it down, started crying and hugged me in a way that I will never forget. That moment I will never forget. EVER. She showed appreciation on a level out of this world for an old camera. She made me feel appreciated in that instant. She hugged for a few minutes and didn't want to let go. She showed me what love she had for me and what appreciation looked like. My nephew Ben was also quite funny but I won't put what he said here. He always shows his love for me and that brings me up too. He is a funny little man and I am thankful he is in my life.
My friend Tina and numerous others have also been there for me to push me back up into a place where I know people truly care about me. Even my friend Fran, who I have not met but chats me up online has been there for me. That is something I am eternally grateful for. Also, since I have edited this three times as my mind plays tricks on me, let me thank my Aunt carol because not only did she buy one expensive cab ride home from me to help me out, she is constantly sending me uplifting texts, and comments on my Facebook and they really do mean a lot to me. I love you!
So my advice for those who are unhappy in their relationship, if it seems the pieces will never make sense, if happiness is not readily available for either of you, if you have lost what you thought there was, then it wasn't meant to be and let it go. I should have let go sooner, and he should have let go sooner. We should have waited to see if marriage was really something that was right for me and Nathan, and if we had we would have not gone through what we have in the last several months. To be in an unhappy relationship is unhealthy. If you leave a relationship and don't feel a severe loss, you don't feel like you lost love because you have been so unhappy then you know that relationship is not for you and you don't ever need to be a part of it again. Sure you may be upset, it's natural, and you may be sad that things went the way they did, but know that it wasn't meant to be and that is okay. Like me and my mother have. Like me and my sisters and nephew have, and like me and my friends have. Don't be fooled into thinking because you made a commitment that you have to stay apart of it if the other one is pushing you and you know it's because they aren't in love with you, and they aren't right for you.
Love is something that evil shouldn't be able to take away.
Lea
He said "I just started not liking you", "I disliked you". I asked why?, what have I ever done to make you not like me?, I did everything I could for our marriage because that's what you're supposed to do. I would sit and cry for hours alone in my room because I felt so unhappy because you didn't want anything to do with me and all I ever did was try. He responded with he didn't know why he disliked me. He doesn't dislike me now but he did then. He told me he was purposely pulling away/pushing me away. I felt that this was just so bad because it felt as if he used me for my trip to the Marlboro Ranch. He said of course that that wasn't it he thought that would bring us closer. I don't know that I believe that because my birthday was right after that trip and he didn't care enough to plan anything for it. He bought me a gift and after I got really upset he bought me a card and roses but then when the next day came we got into a huge argument and that's the first time I heard the words "I can't give anymore of myself to you, I have nothing left" spoken to me. I said this stuff to him yesterday. I said you didn't care, you weren't the man I thought you were, last year you did everything to make my birthday go by happily instead of sadly (I hate my birthday because I shared it with my grandma and she passed, and I miss all my dead relatives on that day so I am usually quite upset on my birthday). I also said " You weren't giving anything so how could you not give anymore? I gave everything and all I kept fighting for was love and affection." He replied that he had supported me for a couple of years and couldn't do it anymore. He didn't dislike me because I was bipolar or because I was injured and have a lot of physical issues. But it certainly feels like that. He did used to care and he would help me but he stopped that awhile ago. I even asked about after the second pregnancy why he distanced himself and he said because I was mean about the way he reacted (He shut himself down and I felt like he abandoned me in pain and emotional turn down and all I asked was for him to talk to me and be there). I never restricted him but he felt that I did. He can feel anyway he wants but that doesn't mean that I did that. I never said don't go workout or ride or eat healthy. He even said he has the grey hair to prove how stressful it was and he was 'literally dying from hypertension". I replied that I lost my hair and was left to cry alone. Neglected because he 'didn't like me anymore". But you know what maybe he stopped working out because he felt guilt for 'not liking me anymore' and for the way he was treating me. Maybe that stressed him out because he knew it was wrong and a husband should be there for his wife. Maybe he needs to look internally to see the damage he did to himself. I wish he had been honest and just said he didn't want the relationship before we moved out in December. That would have made life easier. I am not going to talk about the rest of our conversation because that doesn't need to be public. But this part of it really stung.
Now it didn't sting because I am in love with him, it didn't sting because I wanted to keep the marriage because I didn't and don't. It stung because as an honest woman I put all my efforts into that relationship because I had made a commitment. I was not about to turn on my word regardless of if I was very unhappy the last several months of our marriage. I was willing to try because I gave my word. He wasn't. He left the relationship. He went into his own world and then started projecting things onto me (like his silver hair and hypertension). I didn't do those things to him. I may have fought and been emotional because I felt as a wife I was not getting the love or affection I deserved, but I didn't leave the relationship. He told me I had changed, but I explained that I only changed because he was gone and he was not there for me. He wasn't acting like who I thought I knew. That changes a woman because her emotions get all tangled because she doesn't understand what she could have possibly done besides give everything to deserve it.
So what's the point of this blog besides to vent a little?
I don't mean to make him look like a jerk, I am simply putting down what he gave me yesterday. I am not making this post to make myself look good and him bad. I just want people to know that by using a person, neglecting them, or 'leaving the relationship' while still in it, or by not being honest about how you feel you can crush the other person. You can make the other person feel so badly that they break like I did and go into a psychosis. You can hurt them so badly that they become extremely emotional and off the wall. He apologized yesterday and I believe it was sincere and that is all I wanted but I did not leave the conversation okay. I didn't feel closure really. I felt anger. I felt a lot of anger. I felt used for that trip I really do. I feel manipulated like he got me to move and then when we moved he reverted into this person I didn't know and our ship started to sink. I feel like it may have all been on purpose because he felt he would at some point end it. If you don't like who you are with do not torture them. Do not stay in the relationship because you will make them feel worthless, ugly, and perhaps suicidal like I was. Yes I am saying it flat out, there were days were I wondered if I would be better off just gone from the world. I couldn't be happy in my marriage, my husband didn't seem to care about me anymore, and nothing seemed right at all. But something happened when I packed my bags and then he said a divorce was in order. A pressure lifted off of me. I was hurt of course because who thinks that is fun, and who likes being unhappy in a relationship someone made a commitment to be in and then left it while still in it? No one. But a weight lifted. All the sudden I felt I didn't have to walk on eggshells with my mental illness, I didn't have to "not complain" about my body hurting (like saying 'man my hip is killing me everyday" and not wanting to say anything for fear it was 'unattractive' as I felt I was being a bit of a cripple). I no longer had to fight for something that was tearing us both down. Something that made me unhappy and clearly him unhappy. Something that wasn't meant to be. All the sudden I could be free from the stress of trying to save a severely damaged marriage that made me miserable.
Do not let something go on if you are not happy. I am at fault there too because I was super unhappy as months passed and he pushed away but I kept trying. It's all I had so I kept trying. However, if you can't like yourself you can't like who your with, and maybe he started disliking himself so he started disliking me. I have no clue but don't do that to a person you once loved or do love. Just be honest. Don't make them feel used, or manipulated by the actions you take because even if that isn't your intention that's what it feels like. Let them go.
Now the last month and a half I have grown my hair back, lost weight, felt happy and stable like I said in my last blog. But there are several reasons why and now I will be honest and say what they are. I have been elusive about the matter.
First, my family. My mom has been my rock ever since I was a child and she still is. No matter what we go through she is there picking me up or me trying to pick her up. She has made me feel so loved that even just writing this is making me tear up. She has let me cry on her shoulder, talk as much shit as I want or don't want, has listened, and has talked to me and made me feel better. Everyday she gives me a hug and a kiss at least once and tells me she loves me all day long. She takes care of me right now and I don't have the words to thank her properly.
Second, I have my sisters. Lauren I now live with and if you knew her you'd know how funny she can be and how kind and caring she is. She has talked shit with me because that's what you do when you leave a relationship and you're angry lol. She has vowed to help me with my surgery making my life easier and she doesn't have to do that. She has taken me out shopping so we can have fun couponing and it was a great distraction. She always has a story to tell and it brings me up. She too always hugs me or gives me a kiss and we always say I love you to each other. My older sister Tiffany has also been there. She has helped me through the process, took me to the divorce hearing, talked me back up from a collapse in tears, and has supported me. She too always says she loves me. She is also helping me with the surgery and is taking me to it and I know if I need her I can call her and she will be right there if possible. My littlest sister Emily is just adorable. While I haven't seen her too often over the last month and a half she did something so sweet that I will never forget. For doing so well in school and getting her grades up I gave her my old camera that started my love for photography. She loves photography too and is very good at it and she is only 12. When I took it to her she read the letter I gave her before opening the present. She threw it down, started crying and hugged me in a way that I will never forget. That moment I will never forget. EVER. She showed appreciation on a level out of this world for an old camera. She made me feel appreciated in that instant. She hugged for a few minutes and didn't want to let go. She showed me what love she had for me and what appreciation looked like. My nephew Ben was also quite funny but I won't put what he said here. He always shows his love for me and that brings me up too. He is a funny little man and I am thankful he is in my life.
My friend Tina and numerous others have also been there for me to push me back up into a place where I know people truly care about me. Even my friend Fran, who I have not met but chats me up online has been there for me. That is something I am eternally grateful for. Also, since I have edited this three times as my mind plays tricks on me, let me thank my Aunt carol because not only did she buy one expensive cab ride home from me to help me out, she is constantly sending me uplifting texts, and comments on my Facebook and they really do mean a lot to me. I love you!
So my advice for those who are unhappy in their relationship, if it seems the pieces will never make sense, if happiness is not readily available for either of you, if you have lost what you thought there was, then it wasn't meant to be and let it go. I should have let go sooner, and he should have let go sooner. We should have waited to see if marriage was really something that was right for me and Nathan, and if we had we would have not gone through what we have in the last several months. To be in an unhappy relationship is unhealthy. If you leave a relationship and don't feel a severe loss, you don't feel like you lost love because you have been so unhappy then you know that relationship is not for you and you don't ever need to be a part of it again. Sure you may be upset, it's natural, and you may be sad that things went the way they did, but know that it wasn't meant to be and that is okay. Like me and my mother have. Like me and my sisters and nephew have, and like me and my friends have. Don't be fooled into thinking because you made a commitment that you have to stay apart of it if the other one is pushing you and you know it's because they aren't in love with you, and they aren't right for you.
Love is something that evil shouldn't be able to take away.
Lea
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Terrifying Feelings of Surgery
In about six days and ten hours I will be getting a pretty serious surgery. This is the procedure that is documented to happen on my PT script: Scope/Labral Debridement/ Labral Repair/ Femoral Osteochondroplasty/ Psoas Lengthening/ Capsular Repair/ Capsular Plication / and Microfracture.
What this all means is I will have my labrum in my hip socket repaired and anchored. They will clear out all extra debris. They will suture the ligaments around my femoral neck, while also reshaping my femoral neck. Then Microfracture. This is pretty terrifying as this means they will drill lots of little whole into my bone so that stem cells will reproduce and grow new cartilage in my socket. Now this is kind of scary since I have heard it is quite painful to heal from. All this will be quite painful to heal from. My hip has been hurting me so badly this last year that I am actually excited for this surgery to occur because I can't take the pain anymore. It's awful. Not only was I left not being able to do all the things I wanted, I started having limited range of motion. No not because I didn't work out enough but because my femoral neck grew new bone and so when I try to raise my leg the next bone gets in my way. It's quite awful to be frank. I have been doing what I can to strengthen my leg more so the healing is easier on me. I will be wearing the bionic woman brace which will be so fun! Plus the rebound crutches.
With all the stress from the divorce and moving into my mom's again I started smoking a lot more. So I have actually been utilizing my E Cigs to help me cut down because no one, not even me, is smoking in the house after my surgery because it is such a big procedure that I don't want any chance of infection. Emotionally I have been up and down and I have finally become more stable. My anxiety is still on high alert but I think that for obvious reasons that is not surprising. It's difficult thinking about walking into a court house in 3 days and a wake up to get a divorce and then three days later will be in an operating room. I'm just grateful the divorce is before the surgery.
I believe I was so stressed inside my marriage that I lost some of my hair. I say this because it was noticeably thinner, my skin was duller, and I just was becoming more and more unhappy from lack of a lot of things. Now it's crazy my hair has actually become a bit thicker which was pointed out to me. My skin is finally looking better, and I have lost weight. Well that may be from the extra workouts and the couple attempts at riding before my surgery. I ride flatland and I just haven't been riding because the pain is a lot of times overwhelming so I decided forget it I might as well ride a few times before surgery because full recovery is six months. Then I will have three months of non stop physical therapy and who knows if it will go longer. That depends on my lovely hip which has dysplasia. Wish I had known that a year ago but I cannot say every radiologists does a great job.
My life is changing in crazy ways and sometimes it all makes sense. Even though some of it is bad it led to me realizing what I want and don't want. Plus I will finally get this hip taken care of and that's a blessing in itself. The pain physically from the hip and the back, and sciatica, mixed with bipolar emotions, anxiety, stress, and then of course the feeling of neglect do not mix well together. It's weird because at one point in my marriage my soon to be ex seemed to care that I was hurting and would help me, and then that stopped. I don't know that he lacked complete care but he even said "I'm going to stop coddling you" which I thought was strange. I don't think it is coddling when I am legitimately hurt and in pain and need help sometimes. Shit I almost fell flat on my face today when my lovely hip gave out on me. That was fun. I guess I don't get why people stop either believing your pain is legitimate or why they think it's good to let you just struggle to do stuff. I suppose it just got tiring for him but my family has not grown tired. My little sister is actually working all nights for a week so she can help me which is awfully nice of her. I have good friends that have been here for me through all the stress and bringing me back up, and I have my wonderful family. My days aren't sad anymore. It's a nice feeling. I don't feel like I have to walk on eggshells because I am a little crazy and some people just can't deal, even when they knew I am who I am.
I know I am all over the place with this blog post. I just guess I have a lot of different feelings at once I want to release. I don't understand the world sometimes but things start falling into place and then everything all the sudden makes sense. All I want is an apology. I know I can be a pain, I know I need to be medicated, I know I need a lot of help physically sometimes or I just get worn out from pain. I know those things about myself. But I also know that I still show care and I still show love, and kindness. I don't just leave that behind me. I don't just give up even if I really want to. I know I wasn't the only one unhappy. Maybe his unhappiness rubbed off on my unhappiness and then it fell apart. But to be quite frank I'm not even mad. I don't actually mind at all because that was not the type of relationship I want to be in or anyone should be in because all was lost. There was nothing. It was a separation within a household. Two people - one fighting for things to be OK because I'm just that way and the other well whatever. Now in a few days it will be over. That part of my life will be gone. It won't feel so weird anymore maybe because it will be legally done.
My life has changed dramatically in the last couple months. I have gone from extremely low, to the point where there were times I contemplated killing myself, to a state of shock, to a place where I felt safe and taken care of, and then finally stability. STABILITY. Something I haven't seen in a long time. I feel confident in myself once more. I feel happy to wake up and not feel pressure to be perfect or not be 'crazy' when all I ever was was me trying to feel happy, trying to feel better. I love waking up in a house where people don't give up on me and help me. Where people tell me they love me with sincere genuine love. Where I get hugged and complimented and told you're a good person, a kind person, a beautiful person. I get helped up again when I can't get up. I get help up stairs or down stairs and I get understanding when I need to be on a couch all day because my entire leg is on fire and my hip feels like it's crumbling beneath me. I haven't felt the way I feel now in a very very long time. I just haven't and there's no point in lying. I haven't been in my room crying for long periods of times or needing to take a shower so no one can hear me cry. No staring at myself and not recognizing myself anymore. I feel alive. I feel well. My issues will always be with me. ALWAYS because I have mental issues and physical issues but I am around people with a very deep understanding of that, of me, and what I go through. My mom said to me today that it doesn't matter if I need a painful procedure because I'm tough as hell. I walk around and get shit done even though I am always feeling pain. I may need a nap because it's exhausting but I get up and do what I need to do. Last year I worked on this hip, and stood for long hours on this back and some nights would leave in tears once I reached my car because the pain was horrible. But I had shit to do and bills to pay and I did what I had to do. I got through it. I get through it. So even if this surgery is painful, even if it does take me several months to have an almost normal hip, I am tough. My mom watches my struggle everyday and she told me today "you're tough as hell you can get through it no problem if you can get through everyday with that pain". That is encouragement at it's finest.
I just want to thank everyone who is there for me. Everyone who is helping me. Who is going to be helping me get through my surgery and recovery. I love all of you so very much. I couldn't be happier right now, and maybe some people think that's fucked up but it's not. He asked for a divorce and it turned my health and life around to a stable, happy, comfortable, encouraging, supportive and loving new leaf. So I will report back after surgery since I will have a lot of time on my hands.
Thanks for reading.
Lea
What this all means is I will have my labrum in my hip socket repaired and anchored. They will clear out all extra debris. They will suture the ligaments around my femoral neck, while also reshaping my femoral neck. Then Microfracture. This is pretty terrifying as this means they will drill lots of little whole into my bone so that stem cells will reproduce and grow new cartilage in my socket. Now this is kind of scary since I have heard it is quite painful to heal from. All this will be quite painful to heal from. My hip has been hurting me so badly this last year that I am actually excited for this surgery to occur because I can't take the pain anymore. It's awful. Not only was I left not being able to do all the things I wanted, I started having limited range of motion. No not because I didn't work out enough but because my femoral neck grew new bone and so when I try to raise my leg the next bone gets in my way. It's quite awful to be frank. I have been doing what I can to strengthen my leg more so the healing is easier on me. I will be wearing the bionic woman brace which will be so fun! Plus the rebound crutches.
With all the stress from the divorce and moving into my mom's again I started smoking a lot more. So I have actually been utilizing my E Cigs to help me cut down because no one, not even me, is smoking in the house after my surgery because it is such a big procedure that I don't want any chance of infection. Emotionally I have been up and down and I have finally become more stable. My anxiety is still on high alert but I think that for obvious reasons that is not surprising. It's difficult thinking about walking into a court house in 3 days and a wake up to get a divorce and then three days later will be in an operating room. I'm just grateful the divorce is before the surgery.
I believe I was so stressed inside my marriage that I lost some of my hair. I say this because it was noticeably thinner, my skin was duller, and I just was becoming more and more unhappy from lack of a lot of things. Now it's crazy my hair has actually become a bit thicker which was pointed out to me. My skin is finally looking better, and I have lost weight. Well that may be from the extra workouts and the couple attempts at riding before my surgery. I ride flatland and I just haven't been riding because the pain is a lot of times overwhelming so I decided forget it I might as well ride a few times before surgery because full recovery is six months. Then I will have three months of non stop physical therapy and who knows if it will go longer. That depends on my lovely hip which has dysplasia. Wish I had known that a year ago but I cannot say every radiologists does a great job.
My life is changing in crazy ways and sometimes it all makes sense. Even though some of it is bad it led to me realizing what I want and don't want. Plus I will finally get this hip taken care of and that's a blessing in itself. The pain physically from the hip and the back, and sciatica, mixed with bipolar emotions, anxiety, stress, and then of course the feeling of neglect do not mix well together. It's weird because at one point in my marriage my soon to be ex seemed to care that I was hurting and would help me, and then that stopped. I don't know that he lacked complete care but he even said "I'm going to stop coddling you" which I thought was strange. I don't think it is coddling when I am legitimately hurt and in pain and need help sometimes. Shit I almost fell flat on my face today when my lovely hip gave out on me. That was fun. I guess I don't get why people stop either believing your pain is legitimate or why they think it's good to let you just struggle to do stuff. I suppose it just got tiring for him but my family has not grown tired. My little sister is actually working all nights for a week so she can help me which is awfully nice of her. I have good friends that have been here for me through all the stress and bringing me back up, and I have my wonderful family. My days aren't sad anymore. It's a nice feeling. I don't feel like I have to walk on eggshells because I am a little crazy and some people just can't deal, even when they knew I am who I am.
I know I am all over the place with this blog post. I just guess I have a lot of different feelings at once I want to release. I don't understand the world sometimes but things start falling into place and then everything all the sudden makes sense. All I want is an apology. I know I can be a pain, I know I need to be medicated, I know I need a lot of help physically sometimes or I just get worn out from pain. I know those things about myself. But I also know that I still show care and I still show love, and kindness. I don't just leave that behind me. I don't just give up even if I really want to. I know I wasn't the only one unhappy. Maybe his unhappiness rubbed off on my unhappiness and then it fell apart. But to be quite frank I'm not even mad. I don't actually mind at all because that was not the type of relationship I want to be in or anyone should be in because all was lost. There was nothing. It was a separation within a household. Two people - one fighting for things to be OK because I'm just that way and the other well whatever. Now in a few days it will be over. That part of my life will be gone. It won't feel so weird anymore maybe because it will be legally done.
My life has changed dramatically in the last couple months. I have gone from extremely low, to the point where there were times I contemplated killing myself, to a state of shock, to a place where I felt safe and taken care of, and then finally stability. STABILITY. Something I haven't seen in a long time. I feel confident in myself once more. I feel happy to wake up and not feel pressure to be perfect or not be 'crazy' when all I ever was was me trying to feel happy, trying to feel better. I love waking up in a house where people don't give up on me and help me. Where people tell me they love me with sincere genuine love. Where I get hugged and complimented and told you're a good person, a kind person, a beautiful person. I get helped up again when I can't get up. I get help up stairs or down stairs and I get understanding when I need to be on a couch all day because my entire leg is on fire and my hip feels like it's crumbling beneath me. I haven't felt the way I feel now in a very very long time. I just haven't and there's no point in lying. I haven't been in my room crying for long periods of times or needing to take a shower so no one can hear me cry. No staring at myself and not recognizing myself anymore. I feel alive. I feel well. My issues will always be with me. ALWAYS because I have mental issues and physical issues but I am around people with a very deep understanding of that, of me, and what I go through. My mom said to me today that it doesn't matter if I need a painful procedure because I'm tough as hell. I walk around and get shit done even though I am always feeling pain. I may need a nap because it's exhausting but I get up and do what I need to do. Last year I worked on this hip, and stood for long hours on this back and some nights would leave in tears once I reached my car because the pain was horrible. But I had shit to do and bills to pay and I did what I had to do. I got through it. I get through it. So even if this surgery is painful, even if it does take me several months to have an almost normal hip, I am tough. My mom watches my struggle everyday and she told me today "you're tough as hell you can get through it no problem if you can get through everyday with that pain". That is encouragement at it's finest.
I just want to thank everyone who is there for me. Everyone who is helping me. Who is going to be helping me get through my surgery and recovery. I love all of you so very much. I couldn't be happier right now, and maybe some people think that's fucked up but it's not. He asked for a divorce and it turned my health and life around to a stable, happy, comfortable, encouraging, supportive and loving new leaf. So I will report back after surgery since I will have a lot of time on my hands.
Thanks for reading.
Lea
Monday, June 2, 2014
Bipolar happy about divorce and Setting things straight
My final hearing for dissolution is on the 16th. I am good with getting the dissolution as I don't want to be with somebody like what my husband turned out to be. I find it sad that he blamed me for his weight gain, stress, sleep apnea and high BP. It really isn't my fault he sat on his ass all day playing video games. I guess him saying that really got under my skin because not only could he not respect me enough to not cheat, then not even tell me the truth even though I had 100% proof, but now he is blaming ME for his actions. I'm sorry but I know when people break up they try to make themselves look like they did nothing wrong and blame the other for all these things they probably didn't cause so I am not surprised he is saying it is my fault since he is super self absorbed and cannot take responsibility for his own actions.
I never force fed him the candy, chips, and whatever else he ate. Nor did I tell him not to workout or go get healthy. Actually me and his mom tried to get him off the video games so he could get off his ass and all he did was yell at us. Then of course he now is saying how I didn't 'allow' him to watch dragon ball z and didn't let him play video games. I find this quite hilarious since we used to argue because he never paid much attention to me but would sit in front of that TV and play video games all day, and while I was busy doing house work or homework he was watching his anime shows so I have no clue how that equates to me not 'allowing' him to do those things. Clearly he is a person that needs to get attention and sympathy for something that isn't actually true. It's quite pathetic that he cannot take responsibility for his own actions, and then lies on top of that accusing me of not allowing him to do things he constantly did to the point where he neglected me because he was in front of that TV all damn day unless he was going early to school to 'study' or doing his homework which he had ME help him with and edit his papers yet I was such a horrible person right.
He told me he thought I exaggerated my mental illness-which is bull shit because there are plenty of days where I wish I could feel normal. He told me how I needed to work out, and do more squats so my butt didn't sag! That one hurt. He also downplayed what was going on with my hip. He would tell me how I need to get over the pain, would send me links to stories about how pain can be all in your head, and would say I shouldn't get surgery. Well guess what? My femoral neck is not curved like it should be; it is straight and rigid with new bone growth and on top of that I have natural dysplasia (shallow socket) so I guess that was all in my head right. So I guess it really burns my britches that he said that stuff and tried telling me how I was doing it all wrong and needed to work out. Yet I did at night. I didn't do much no but I did squats, I stretched and I did do crunches right before I went to bed. I workout more now because I am so close to surgery that I need my muscles to be nice and strong. I also have been riding because I figured my bone needs to be reshaped anyway and the tear is going to be fixed so why not get out there and ride flatland bmx. I am strong yet I don't think he ever saw that in me. I may have married him for the wrong reason- because we had lost a pregnancy together- but the man I married did care, helped me get up and understood I had a mental illness and accepted it. The man I am getting a divorce from is someone I don't even know. He is selfish, lacked any empathy for me, seemed to be instigating me so not only could he hold my temper ( my bipolar temper) against me but I think also he wanted to either make me distance myself from him or he wanted to distance himself from me because he was no longer very nice to me.
Here I am going to talk about what I did wrong and take responsibility for MY actions without blaming HIM for them because I am a mature adult. I did not get back on my meds which was a bad decision because that made me feel a lot more, made me feel manipulated, made me get angry very quickly because I was irritable, and I ended up fighting with him because I felt he never gave me enough attention (I felt very neglected and alone). Yes I can be a pain in the butt because I can become very irritable, depressed, hyper, or angry. I know those things about myself and I was honest from the second we started dating. I felt so neglected that I went through a psychosis that led me to be even more paranoid about feeling manipulated, I got upset very easily, and yes I would yell. I would let him know that him playing all day on his Xbox affected me very negatively, and no I didn't always do it in a nice way because sometimes I would get so frustrated I would just yell. When my birthday came around this year sure he bought me a $75 dollar ukulele but he didn't even buy me a card until two days later when I had flipped out. I took myself out for dinner. He never did take me out to eat. He then convinced me to stay at home rather than drive through the snow to go to Sephora because I wanted to treat myself if no one else was going to (him). He said we would go the next day after my family birthday party. When we were leaving I asked if we could go and he was like 'I don't really feel like it I want to go home" but I brought up our previous conversation so he gave in. While there I picked myself up makeup and he decided to pay for some eye shadow saying " girls like makeup that should make you happy." WOW right. It amazed me how dense he was about the whole thing. On my actual birthday he had stated how he had dropped the ball and felt really bad yet got mad when I was really upset because he still had planned nothing even though he knew I was hurt so fuck yeah I yelled. It was like he waited to go on the trip I won and then was trying to instigate me to leave or something. When I got super upset about my birthday that was the first time he said I can't give anymore- How could he not give anymore if he was putting nothing into our relationship? If I asked for more attention he got livid, if I asked him to play less video games he freaked out, he maybe spent a few hours a week actually being close, but mainly it felt like he was using me to help him with his homework. It made me feel worthless to the point I slipped into that psychosis ( which is when he told me he thought I exaggerated my illness).
These last several month have been horrible and while I may have gotten into arguments because he instigated me, or ignored my needs, he is the one who made himself the way he was not me. He gained weight by sitting on his ass for more than 12 hours a day playing games which caused sleep apnea because the more weight you have on you the more likely you are to have sleep apnea. He got sleep apnea from gaining weight which caused his high blood pressure. I had nothing to do with that. He stuffed his face with whatever he wanted - I didn't force feed. He can go tell people I "verbally abused" him because I know the truth. He can't handle being told you are wrong, you are neglecting your responsibilities of being a husband, being told you are selfish and all you care about is yourself, being told that you are being an asshole because you are yelling at me for childish bs, or that you are a coward and a self absurd douche when I found out you cheated so if that's what you want to call verbal abuse go ahead and make people feel pity for you because it's pathetic.
I am not sad about the divorce because I felt so alone. I felt so stressed. I felt so neglected by the person who made vows to always be there and then said his vows weren't as serious because I changed, when really he reverted back to being a teenager who couldn't understand what a marriage meant. This is why I am happy - because I now get to have better things come my way. People who actually care for me. People who give me love and affection. People who I can trust. I am not being told I am either lazy because I have limitations, or that I need to workout more or make sure to do more squats so my ass isn't saggy. I get told how beautiful I am without anyone prompting. I don't get told "you don't get pretty for me" (meaning I hadn't put on makeup because apparently that is when I am pretty). I get told I am beautiful without my makeup on. I am free from feeling secluded. I am not getting my mental illness hung over my head and my physical conditions are not being downplayed or treated like they are in my head because my family and friends care enough to go to the doctors with me, to see what is actually happening to me and how I am doing. I know I was never truly in love with Nathan because what we had was based of a bond we made from losing a pregnancy and he became so distant that I started not recognizing him. I don't think he was truly in love with me either because when you are you accept all the flaws and perfection of a person. You accept their mental illness and if you can't you don't ask them to marry you and then all the sudden say you can't take it because vows are through thick and thin. He didn't truly love me. I heard when he first hung out with me he was acting like I was a 'trophy fuck' because I rode bmx and was pretty and whatever else so I think when I couldn't ride, nor be a baby maker, all the sudden I wasn't attractive. That isn't true love. I stuck through it even when I was unhappy because I did marry him. Even if he was the wrong man or not the man I wanted to marry or be married to I made vows. I guess these things have been bubbling under my skin and I just needed to vent. I over him because he is obviously not someone I want, nor do I find him attractive at all anymore, nor do I want to be with him because he isn't the one for me, plus he is a cheater. However, that does not mean what he says and rumors he makes don't affect me. They do. They do affect me because he can't even respect me enough to stop the games and stop being self absorbed and just wanting sympathy and empathy and pity for shit that isn't true. So that is why I wrote this. Because I get to say my side too. I get to have feelings now without having someone hold it over me. I get to feel love now from people who actually love me so I feel empowered enough to vent the last of it out no matter what anyone thinks. In other posts I didn't say everything because for some reason I didn't feel like I could or like it was my right to do before divorce but now I do because he is spitting out lies so I get to spit out the truth. Truth that actually acknowledges that I am taking responsibility for my wrong actions.
I have felt so much love from all the people around me. SO much so that it is more than I had felt from my marriage in months. I feel pretty again. I feel like no one is trying to treat me like I am dumb and they know I am extremely intelligent. No one is trying to say some bs to me that is stupid and not true like he did thinking I was an idiot. Sorry to say it but I'm smarter than you Nathan and always will be. I don't have people negating me constantly because they respect my intelligence and are not so narcissistic that they have to be right just to be right- meaning they accept new information and don't tell me I am wrong and then spew out bs that is false, and then the second some other person sides with me finally decide to say I am right. That doesn't happen anymore because the ones that love me know I am smart and don't talk down to me or act like I am an idiot. My dear friend held me and I had forgotten what it felt like to feel such love and kindness that I cried for awhile. I no longer am neglected. I have people all around me that know me, accept me, understand me, understand my ailments and who give me love and can hold me or console me. I feel free. I feel like an empowered woman again. I feel strong. I feel like I get to shine in my spotlight now and show the world what I am made of instead of feeling so depressed I don't want to leave the house. I am motivated now and I am determined. I know what I want. I know exactly what I want. I am going to get what I want and need. I can thank Nathan for this- Thank you for being so neglectful, so selfish, and so disrespectful because it got me out of an unhappy and unhealthy situation and me into a much much better and brighter situation. Thanks for being an asshole and cheating because it solidified just how much we shouldn't be together and just how selfish you are. Our divorce is in two weeks away and I can't wait. Thank you for saying you wanted a divorce because it made my life so much better and brought me back onto the path I have wanted to be on for a long time now. I wanted it for awhile but held to my integrity. So thank you for that. I kept my integrity and you lost out on a wonderful, patient, generous, kind, beautiful, and strong woman. A woman who has so much love in her life now because she isn't secluded, or feeling secluded, that I feel only disrespected because of how you were and what you did, but now heart broken, not sad about losing you, and not upset about the divorce.
I never force fed him the candy, chips, and whatever else he ate. Nor did I tell him not to workout or go get healthy. Actually me and his mom tried to get him off the video games so he could get off his ass and all he did was yell at us. Then of course he now is saying how I didn't 'allow' him to watch dragon ball z and didn't let him play video games. I find this quite hilarious since we used to argue because he never paid much attention to me but would sit in front of that TV and play video games all day, and while I was busy doing house work or homework he was watching his anime shows so I have no clue how that equates to me not 'allowing' him to do those things. Clearly he is a person that needs to get attention and sympathy for something that isn't actually true. It's quite pathetic that he cannot take responsibility for his own actions, and then lies on top of that accusing me of not allowing him to do things he constantly did to the point where he neglected me because he was in front of that TV all damn day unless he was going early to school to 'study' or doing his homework which he had ME help him with and edit his papers yet I was such a horrible person right.
He told me he thought I exaggerated my mental illness-which is bull shit because there are plenty of days where I wish I could feel normal. He told me how I needed to work out, and do more squats so my butt didn't sag! That one hurt. He also downplayed what was going on with my hip. He would tell me how I need to get over the pain, would send me links to stories about how pain can be all in your head, and would say I shouldn't get surgery. Well guess what? My femoral neck is not curved like it should be; it is straight and rigid with new bone growth and on top of that I have natural dysplasia (shallow socket) so I guess that was all in my head right. So I guess it really burns my britches that he said that stuff and tried telling me how I was doing it all wrong and needed to work out. Yet I did at night. I didn't do much no but I did squats, I stretched and I did do crunches right before I went to bed. I workout more now because I am so close to surgery that I need my muscles to be nice and strong. I also have been riding because I figured my bone needs to be reshaped anyway and the tear is going to be fixed so why not get out there and ride flatland bmx. I am strong yet I don't think he ever saw that in me. I may have married him for the wrong reason- because we had lost a pregnancy together- but the man I married did care, helped me get up and understood I had a mental illness and accepted it. The man I am getting a divorce from is someone I don't even know. He is selfish, lacked any empathy for me, seemed to be instigating me so not only could he hold my temper ( my bipolar temper) against me but I think also he wanted to either make me distance myself from him or he wanted to distance himself from me because he was no longer very nice to me.
Here I am going to talk about what I did wrong and take responsibility for MY actions without blaming HIM for them because I am a mature adult. I did not get back on my meds which was a bad decision because that made me feel a lot more, made me feel manipulated, made me get angry very quickly because I was irritable, and I ended up fighting with him because I felt he never gave me enough attention (I felt very neglected and alone). Yes I can be a pain in the butt because I can become very irritable, depressed, hyper, or angry. I know those things about myself and I was honest from the second we started dating. I felt so neglected that I went through a psychosis that led me to be even more paranoid about feeling manipulated, I got upset very easily, and yes I would yell. I would let him know that him playing all day on his Xbox affected me very negatively, and no I didn't always do it in a nice way because sometimes I would get so frustrated I would just yell. When my birthday came around this year sure he bought me a $75 dollar ukulele but he didn't even buy me a card until two days later when I had flipped out. I took myself out for dinner. He never did take me out to eat. He then convinced me to stay at home rather than drive through the snow to go to Sephora because I wanted to treat myself if no one else was going to (him). He said we would go the next day after my family birthday party. When we were leaving I asked if we could go and he was like 'I don't really feel like it I want to go home" but I brought up our previous conversation so he gave in. While there I picked myself up makeup and he decided to pay for some eye shadow saying " girls like makeup that should make you happy." WOW right. It amazed me how dense he was about the whole thing. On my actual birthday he had stated how he had dropped the ball and felt really bad yet got mad when I was really upset because he still had planned nothing even though he knew I was hurt so fuck yeah I yelled. It was like he waited to go on the trip I won and then was trying to instigate me to leave or something. When I got super upset about my birthday that was the first time he said I can't give anymore- How could he not give anymore if he was putting nothing into our relationship? If I asked for more attention he got livid, if I asked him to play less video games he freaked out, he maybe spent a few hours a week actually being close, but mainly it felt like he was using me to help him with his homework. It made me feel worthless to the point I slipped into that psychosis ( which is when he told me he thought I exaggerated my illness).
These last several month have been horrible and while I may have gotten into arguments because he instigated me, or ignored my needs, he is the one who made himself the way he was not me. He gained weight by sitting on his ass for more than 12 hours a day playing games which caused sleep apnea because the more weight you have on you the more likely you are to have sleep apnea. He got sleep apnea from gaining weight which caused his high blood pressure. I had nothing to do with that. He stuffed his face with whatever he wanted - I didn't force feed. He can go tell people I "verbally abused" him because I know the truth. He can't handle being told you are wrong, you are neglecting your responsibilities of being a husband, being told you are selfish and all you care about is yourself, being told that you are being an asshole because you are yelling at me for childish bs, or that you are a coward and a self absurd douche when I found out you cheated so if that's what you want to call verbal abuse go ahead and make people feel pity for you because it's pathetic.
I am not sad about the divorce because I felt so alone. I felt so stressed. I felt so neglected by the person who made vows to always be there and then said his vows weren't as serious because I changed, when really he reverted back to being a teenager who couldn't understand what a marriage meant. This is why I am happy - because I now get to have better things come my way. People who actually care for me. People who give me love and affection. People who I can trust. I am not being told I am either lazy because I have limitations, or that I need to workout more or make sure to do more squats so my ass isn't saggy. I get told how beautiful I am without anyone prompting. I don't get told "you don't get pretty for me" (meaning I hadn't put on makeup because apparently that is when I am pretty). I get told I am beautiful without my makeup on. I am free from feeling secluded. I am not getting my mental illness hung over my head and my physical conditions are not being downplayed or treated like they are in my head because my family and friends care enough to go to the doctors with me, to see what is actually happening to me and how I am doing. I know I was never truly in love with Nathan because what we had was based of a bond we made from losing a pregnancy and he became so distant that I started not recognizing him. I don't think he was truly in love with me either because when you are you accept all the flaws and perfection of a person. You accept their mental illness and if you can't you don't ask them to marry you and then all the sudden say you can't take it because vows are through thick and thin. He didn't truly love me. I heard when he first hung out with me he was acting like I was a 'trophy fuck' because I rode bmx and was pretty and whatever else so I think when I couldn't ride, nor be a baby maker, all the sudden I wasn't attractive. That isn't true love. I stuck through it even when I was unhappy because I did marry him. Even if he was the wrong man or not the man I wanted to marry or be married to I made vows. I guess these things have been bubbling under my skin and I just needed to vent. I over him because he is obviously not someone I want, nor do I find him attractive at all anymore, nor do I want to be with him because he isn't the one for me, plus he is a cheater. However, that does not mean what he says and rumors he makes don't affect me. They do. They do affect me because he can't even respect me enough to stop the games and stop being self absorbed and just wanting sympathy and empathy and pity for shit that isn't true. So that is why I wrote this. Because I get to say my side too. I get to have feelings now without having someone hold it over me. I get to feel love now from people who actually love me so I feel empowered enough to vent the last of it out no matter what anyone thinks. In other posts I didn't say everything because for some reason I didn't feel like I could or like it was my right to do before divorce but now I do because he is spitting out lies so I get to spit out the truth. Truth that actually acknowledges that I am taking responsibility for my wrong actions.
I have felt so much love from all the people around me. SO much so that it is more than I had felt from my marriage in months. I feel pretty again. I feel like no one is trying to treat me like I am dumb and they know I am extremely intelligent. No one is trying to say some bs to me that is stupid and not true like he did thinking I was an idiot. Sorry to say it but I'm smarter than you Nathan and always will be. I don't have people negating me constantly because they respect my intelligence and are not so narcissistic that they have to be right just to be right- meaning they accept new information and don't tell me I am wrong and then spew out bs that is false, and then the second some other person sides with me finally decide to say I am right. That doesn't happen anymore because the ones that love me know I am smart and don't talk down to me or act like I am an idiot. My dear friend held me and I had forgotten what it felt like to feel such love and kindness that I cried for awhile. I no longer am neglected. I have people all around me that know me, accept me, understand me, understand my ailments and who give me love and can hold me or console me. I feel free. I feel like an empowered woman again. I feel strong. I feel like I get to shine in my spotlight now and show the world what I am made of instead of feeling so depressed I don't want to leave the house. I am motivated now and I am determined. I know what I want. I know exactly what I want. I am going to get what I want and need. I can thank Nathan for this- Thank you for being so neglectful, so selfish, and so disrespectful because it got me out of an unhappy and unhealthy situation and me into a much much better and brighter situation. Thanks for being an asshole and cheating because it solidified just how much we shouldn't be together and just how selfish you are. Our divorce is in two weeks away and I can't wait. Thank you for saying you wanted a divorce because it made my life so much better and brought me back onto the path I have wanted to be on for a long time now. I wanted it for awhile but held to my integrity. So thank you for that. I kept my integrity and you lost out on a wonderful, patient, generous, kind, beautiful, and strong woman. A woman who has so much love in her life now because she isn't secluded, or feeling secluded, that I feel only disrespected because of how you were and what you did, but now heart broken, not sad about losing you, and not upset about the divorce.
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